White Gold (2017) s02e04 Episode Script

Series 2, Episode 4

1 MUSIC: Everybody Wants To Rule The World by Tears For Fears Be honest, what do you think? Too Maggie Thatcher? Even sexier, I'd say.
Don't muck about.
This is a big deal and I want to make a good impression.
I'm sure you'll make exactly the impression that jumped-up little prick wants you to.
What's that supposed to mean? I've been to these trade exhibitions before.
They're full of lecherous old creeps lusting after anything that wiggles in a skirt.
Oh, so I'm there as a skirt, am I? Thanks for assuming my only value to the business is so that clients can fantasise about fucking me.
That is not what I meant.
I just know what pigs they can be, that's all.
No, I'm sure you'll knock 'em dead with your charm and your brains.
The brains they want to fuck out of me? Probably, yeah.
Welcome to your life There's no turning back.
All right, if Vincent can't be arsed to turn up here on time, we'll start without him.
What's this? Some market research I had commissioned at Everest.
It looks at the buying habits of our customers in the North West.
Well, that instantly makes it a load of old bollocks.
How so? Well, it's based on northerners, for a start.
They all live in caves or down pits.
You probably have to spend about three hours trying to teach them the concept of a window.
They're like walls but you can see through them.
We're getting off track here.
If you read it you'll see some interesting trends.
I don't see any harm in trying to up our game.
Thank you, Martin.
One thing that research does show is that only 8% of sales originate from showroom visits.
Which means most of the time you're sat there, you're next to fucking useless, Brian.
Starting tomorrow, we'll be running sales training exercises during the day.
Training? Me? Look, I'm sorry, love, but that is like trying to teach Jimi Hendrix how to play the guitar.
Well, it's happening, so get used to it.
And on to item two, and try not to choke on your own vomit at this news, Mr Hendrix, but I'm suspending your commission on the Murphy job.
The whole Murphy debacle started with Fitzpatrick getting a hot lead on a travellers' site.
I see.
This is why you wanted to drag me along.
You're scared to go in.
I'm not scared, Lavatory.
All I'm asking is you come in and watch while I pitch.
Then make sure they don't pull any of their gypsy shit.
I'll sling you a 50 for your trouble.
OK.
I'll do it for 50 quid.
- Cheers.
- And half the commission.
Fucking hell.
All right, then.
A gentleman by the name of Mick Murphy had recently inherited a nice little windfall, and was looking to transform his caravan into his dream home.
OK, lads.
I've already started on the extension for Mick Junior.
Oh, you live with your son? No, you idiot.
Come here, Mick.
I've had Mick's box attached.
Now we can have our tea together.
Sensing that Mick maybe wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, Fitzpatrick jumped in and sold him a full set of windows, along with a huge conservatory.
When Barry turned up to install, Mick told him he planned to fit everything himself.
Being a chronically lazy bastard, Barry was only too happy to unload the windows, and spent the rest of the day down the pub, and that was the last anyone saw or heard of Mick Murphy.
Well, how's this our fault? It's Barry that's fucked up here, as far as I can see.
I agree.
All we did was get the deal over the line.
You didn't think there was anything suspicious about an unemployed gypsy signing up for £30,000 worth of windows for his 500 quid caravan? This is all starting to sound a little bit racist to me.
Until you can get Mick Murphy to pay in full or recover those windows, I'm docking the stock costs on future commissions.
No fucking way! We don't have to take this from her.
We've got rights! Well, you have the right to quit if you don't like working here.
Oh, it's like that, is it? Consider your bluff well and truly called.
I'd love to see you try and run this place without a sales team.
Come on, Lavender.
Walshy'll give us a job.
Yeah, I'm not quitting.
I'll be seeing you, then, Brian.
I want you to think very carefully about this, Martin.
OK, don't let this be another Paul Young-level fuck up for you.
Fine.
This company's finished anyway, mate, and you, you can shove your training and your market research right up your Northern arsehole.
You'll have to get his nose out of there first.
Thank you, Martin.
It wasn't for your benefit.
I take it if I find Mr Murphy and get him to pay up, I get to keep Fitzpatrick's half of the commission? Here we are, Sam.
Over 20,000 people will walk through these doors over the next three days.
And will they all be as half-cut as this lot? Absolutely.
It's basically a jolly for builders.
Buyers meet suppliers on their stands and, to keep them happy, they get a well-oiled and perma-tanned dolly bird to serve them some nibbles.
Sophisticated.
Right.
Shall we? I swear, Brian, if this is another wind-up I'm going to throw you through the window of this competitively priced conservatory.
Neil, listen.
OK, I think it's fair to say that your skill set isn't exactly suited to being the public face of Wuh-Windows.
Double-fucking-U Windows.
Case in point.
Now, look, what you've got here is a quality product allied with top-notch technical support.
You're just a head of sales away from cracking it again.
- Which is where I come in.
- Oh, I see.
You've been slung out by that toerag, Vincent Swan.
No.
I walked.
Cachet is a fucking disaster waiting to happen.
All right, I'm listening.
I want 20 grand basic salary, 7% commission, plus car.
How about no basic, a three month trial, 10% commission, no car? No trial, 10% commission, you take over the lease of my BMW, plus 20 grand basic.
That's more than your fucking original offer! Which is why you probably should have taken it, Tony.
So, what's it to be? Well, seeing as you've already told me you're out of a job, I'd say I'm holding a handful of fucking aces, Brian.
PHONE RINGS Hello? It's "Double-U" Windows.
Yes, I fucking know it looks like a mistake! Hello? Yeah, I wouldn't say you're holding all the aces.
All right.
I'll take your first offer.
- On one condition.
- Which is? You start this second.
This fucking place is giving me an ulcer.
Over at the travellers' site, Lavender was starting to realise that all the lucky heather in the world wouldn't let him track down Mick Murphy.
LAUGHTER Boysie! You made it.
And one clearly non-boysie, I see.
Pleased to meet you, young lady.
Sam, this is Geoff Kemp, part-time MD of the Profile company - and full-time pisshead.
- Hello, Geoff.
A pleasure to meet you, Sam.
You'll have to tell me which agency you came through.
I think Stevie Wonder must have booked the girls for our stand.
I mean, it's like they literally put lipstick on pigs.
Oh, no, Geoff, Sam's not a promo girl.
She's the newest member of our sales team.
Oh, crikey! I do apologise, Sam.
Nice to see the Profile company's kept up the tradition of having the Ferrari of exhibition stands.
Well, summat's got to make up for me tiny penis.
Let me get you both a drink.
HE WHISTLES - What you drinking, Sam? - Oh, I'll just get a Coke, please.
Ooh! Lightweight alert, lightweight alert! She'll have a vodka in that, my love, and get Martin and me a couple of beers too, please, Francesca.
All right, yeah.
When in Rome.
Have an orgy, you say? Although, is it still an orgy if it's just the two of us, Sam? I think one of your customers is trying to get your attention there, Geoff.
The one throwing up in a pot plant? Oh, Christ! Excuse me one minute.
You all right, there, mate? - Thank you.
- Cheers.
So, no-one's told Geoff he could save an absolute fortune on exhibition space if he just took his clients directly to a brothel? Now, now, we're not here to judge, Samantha.
We just want his advertising spend.
I know.
Vincent did warn me.
It's just going to take some acclimatising.
It's OK.
You can do this.
Sorry about that.
Now, where were we? Well, Geoff, as an exhibition virgin, I was hoping you could tell me.
Cheers.
GLASSES CLINK Chin, chin.
I wasn't sure if you wanted this.
It's not mine.
- Do you want it, though? - No.
Sorry.
You didn't really have much in the way of personal belongings.
Got your gentleman's mags.
Yeah, all right.
Thanks, Carol.
Put it away, please.
Can't I go now? Cos I hate all this.
It's like reliving my parents' divorce.
No, don't go.
Listen, don't panic, OK? But I've got a proposition for you.
How would you like to be my new junior sales assistant? What? I've never done selling before.
It doesn't matter.
Look, I see great potential in you.
Take a seat, Carol.
What's going on now? I'm interviewing you - for the post.
Now, tell me, what do you think your best attributes are? My mum used to say I could be world champion of solitaire.
I didn't go out much as a kid.
Allergies, acne, agoraphobia.
All the As.
Sorry, I'm babbling.
What was the question? Just calm down, OK? Tell me what makes you qualified for this job.
I hate talking about myself.
Brings back all the As.
All right, well, let me help you.
You know the double glazing business, for a start.
You're bubbly.
Uniquely perceptive.
Loyal.
You're making me sound like a dog.
I'd also say that, once they get to know you properly, you're the type of person that people just want to be around.
Like all of the time.
Sorry.
It's not for me.
I'm going to go now, Brian.
Oh, no, wait.
Carol, don't go, please.
Look Is there something else you want to say to me, Brian? Yes.
I think the Linda Lusardi issue of Penthouse is missing, so if you see it knocking about, just keep an eye out for it.
Goodbye, Brian.
Someone's made an impression with our most important client.
- Please don't.
- What? Geoff just told me he's rebooking the ad campaign for the Profile company with us next year.
He said your pitch was professional and utterly charming, despite Martin's presence.
His words, not mine.
- That's good, right? - Yeah, congratulations.
I'm proud of you.
Tonight, we celebrate.
Fantastic.
What's the plan, boss? Geoff has very kindly offered to take us out for dinner to seal the deal, and I'm just hoping that Sam has a few more hours of Geoff-wrangling left in her.
Yeah, of course.
Daft question, but just wondering if either of you have got a spare grope-proof body suit I could borrow? Finally, Lavender got a lead that Mick Murphy was a regular at a local tavern favoured by the travelling community.
Excuse me, mate, I'm looking for a Mick Murphy who I'm told drinks in here.
I don't suppose you've heard of him? All right, listen up, you reprobates.
This fella's looking for a Mick Murphy.
- Have we got a Mick Murphy in tonight? - I'm Mick Murphy.
Oh, sorry, mate.
It's a different Mick Murphy.
I'm Mick Murphy.
I'm Mick Murphy.
I'm Mick Murphy.
- I'm Mick Murphy.
- I'm Mick Murphy.
- No, no, I'm Mick Murphy.
- I'm Mick Murphy.
Here you are, son.
If it makes you feel any better, you're the fourth double glazing salesman this month.
What can I get you, mate? While Lavender was having his arse handed to him by the Mick Murphy collective, Sam was having arse problems of her own.
So I said, listen, love, just because you've got blood coming out of your money slot doesn't mean that you can talk to me like a prize arsehole.
LAUGHTER But what did she say to that? She arrested me and slapped me in handcuffs.
- Kinky.
- Serves you right.
Aye, it did, and that is why I no longer drink gin, Sam.
Although I'd down a bottle of Gordon's this minute if you promised to handcuff me afterwards.
Geoff, how old did you say your daughter is? Oh, same age as my daughter.
What size are her tits? Sorry? Well, has she got a pair of boobs on her yet? Well What can I say? She's developing.
Well, hopefully, by the time she gets her first job interview she'll have a pair big enough to get her employer interested.
Now, now, Sam, that's sexist.
It could be a woman.
- She might be a lezzer.
- Easy, boysie.
- Anybody want more champagne? - Mm.
Maybe you've had enough, Sam.
Hey Maybe, if she grows a fantastic pair of hooters, Geoff, she could come and work at Daddy's firm.
- OK.
I get the message.
- And who knows? Play along with the boysies, drop the occasional hint that she might let them rest their dicks in her mouth, and she could even climb the ladder.
Maybe even take over the old man's empire.
For a much smaller salary, of course.
Yeah.
I said I get it.
If you'll excuse me, I'm just going to the loo.
Yeah, I might join you.
Need to piss out some of these bubbles.
Sam, what are you doing? - I'm going to bed.
- No, not that.
I mean Listen, forget it.
Why don't you let me call you a cab? Believe it or not, Andrew, I've pushed two children out of this money slot, married a third fucking child, raised them all and then gone back to work, so I think I can manage a short walk back to a different building.
Sorry.
OK? DOORBELL RINGS - Hello, Vincent.
- No cold callers, please.
Oh, come on, Vincent, we need to talk.
Look, if Ronnie had've told me you were this against me joining, I'd have stayed with Walshy.
That's big of you.
- Can I come in? - No.
Here's fine.
Kids are asleep.
Fitzpatrick quit.
Well, it's not as easy as it looks, this man management lark, is it? Look, I know you're pissed off, but Cachet needs Vincent Swan firing on all cylinders right now.
I'm offering a deal.
Let me manage the showroom for one month.
Lavender and Carol still get to call you their boss, but we try things my way.
If, at the end of the month, you still want me out, I'll walk away and leave you to it.
And what's in it for you? I don't spend all me energy fighting you, and as a side effect of all this peace, love and harmony, we make tonnes of lovely cash.
I can accept your terms.
Great.
I'll see you in the morning for sales training.
Sweet dreams.
Buddy, Scotch and rocks, please.
Jesus, Sam.
- What the hell was that? - Look If you've come to sack me, fair enough.
I'm clearly not cut out for this.
I'm sorry I had to fuck up your biggest account to figure that out.
I'm not here to sack you, Sam.
Look, no woman should have to put up with that kind of bullshit.
You're an exceptional person, and I'm proud to have you with me at Millman Young.
Well, thank you.
And, listen, if that's what it takes to get Geoff's account, dangling you like some sort of carrot, - then frankly it's not worth it.
- OK, well I've never been described as a carrot before.
- Well, I didn't - Relax.
- It's a joke, I'm joking.
- Right.
You know, the most irritating part of this is Vincent tried to warn me.
I mean, I can imagine Vincent being right about anything being incredibly irritating.
I will drink to that.
Cheers.
You're too good for him, Sam.
Yeah.
Tell me about it.
No, I mean it.
He doesn't deserve you.
Why did you even give your marriage another go? The usual.
Kids.
The relentless sadness.
The worst thing about it is I still loved him, even after all that.
You know that's supposed to be the best part, right? Mm.
Leave him.
It's way past my bedtime.
No, no, I'm serious.
I'd help in any way I could.
I'd do anything for you.
Anything.
Please, leave him.
No, no, Andrew, please, don't.
- Look - I'm so, so sorry.
- I shouldn't have done that.
- Listen.
Please, don't say sorry.
Oh, fuck.
It's complicated and it's late.
You are a wonderful man, really.
I just have this rule, and I can only make one Titanic-scale fuckup per night.
So I'm going to go to bed - and I'm going to prevent a double maritime disaster from happening.
OK.
Ship isn't sinking tonight.
It's unsinkable.
Night, Sam.
Goodnight, Andrew.
OK, so, hopefully you're starting to see how role-play is the most effective way of developing good rapport.
Embrace these techniques and you'll be able to close a deal even after the customer finds out you've slept with his wife.
Finally, something that could come in handy.
Ha-ha.
OK, let's try that as a final role-play.
Lavender, I want you to close a deal with me.
Let's say I'm a 32-year-old man called Vincent.
I'm ready to sign for a conservatory but I've just found out you've slept with me wife.
- This is nonsense.
- Clearly.
Sam would never cheat on me for this sack of spuds.
Hello, the Mensa twins.
This is a hypothetical situation.
Come on.
Get this done and I'll leave you be for the rest of the day.
Fine.
Here we are then, Vincent.
If you could just sign here.
We take a 15% deposit today, cash or cheque, and we'll be back in touch within 48 hours with a confirmed fitting date.
Why did you sleep with my wife? Maybe if you could just sign, and I'll take questions later.
When did it happen? Was it when we were separated? Sorry, look, I don't really know what we're achieving here.
Stay in the role, Lavender.
Rapport's the only thing you can rely on here.
This doesn't really seem necessary now.
I blame myself, really.
I mean, how fucked must my marriage have been for Sam to have an affair with my best mate? What the fuck is going on here? I mean, how did I, the great Vincent Swan, let my wife slip so far away from me that she'd fall in love with a man so spineless he'd make a jellyfish look upstanding? Lavender? I was going to tell you, mate, but you and Sam patched things up first.
I don't believe what I'm hearing.
You and Sam, behind my back? I mean, to be fair, you were openly in a relationship with your son's teacher at the time.
You need to get the fuck out of here.
Vincent, we should probably talk this through.
Morning, everyone.
Really needed that lie-in.
I'm a big fan of these training mornings.
I said get the fuck out.
You're sacked.
I hate to be the bearer of even more bad news, but you don't have sole authority for the hires and fires any more.
No, no, it's fine, I'm going.
I'm sorry, Vincent.
Fuck you, Jo.
You fucking bitch.
Not in front of the children, Vincent.
Shall we take this upstairs? Is this all part of the training? Hi.
Morning, Sam.
You sleep well? Not particularly.
You? No, not really.
I'm going to get something from the buffet.
Be quick.
We've got to leave in five minutes.
Morning, boss.
Samantha.
Now, that was some night.
I'm such an idiot.
Was Geoff furious? Oh, on the contrary, Samantha.
Geoff felt so guilty about being such a pig he committed his firm's entire advertising budget exclusively to Millman Young.
It's the biggest deal we've ever landed! Amazing, eh, boss? It's great news.
We'd better be going.
Bloody hell.
I'm shocked.
I guess you can teach an old boysie new tricks.
I think you've turned Geoff into a feminist, Sam.
- My God, when did all this happen? - About 3am.
Got him plastered and took him to a strip club.
That guy is such a feminist.
Listen, now, before you get all Captain Caveman on me, let me just say one thing Is everything all right between us? You've barely said a word to me all day.
I've had a few things on my mind.
OK, well, if it's about last night No, it's not about that, Sam.
I've had some difficult phone calls with the owner.
We haven't had the best year.
He's asked me to cut staff by 10%.
So I'm really sorry, Sam, but I've got to let you go.
Oh.
Shit.
Well, didn't you tell him about the Geoff Kemp deal? I thought that was a game changer.
I can give you two weeks' paid notice.
You don't have to come into the office.
Well, I don't know what's more disappointing, you being worse than Geoff fucking Kemp or Vincent being right again.
You really are a jumped-up little prick.
Ah! Come to spend your 30 pieces of silver on Corringham's number one double glazing system, have you, Judas? I'm having second thoughts about leaving Cachet, actually.
Oh, dear.
Well Unfortunately for you, like a certain Mr Paul Young, I don't do second chances.
Yeah, I've already hired a young hotshot to complete my sales team.
Seriously? Are you fucking with me? I'm not going to beg.
Look, I warned you.
You snooze, you lose.
CAR HORN BEEPS HEAVY METAL MUSIC ON CAR RADIO Gentlemen.
Is this your hotshot? Got them to throw in a waxing for free at the car wash, boss.
All right, Lavatory.
Had to part ways with the Anglian boys.
Turns out they couldn't handle a maverick like me in the machine.
But I guess Wuh-Windows is the w-winner in this game of high-stakes poker, eh, Bri? It's "Double-U" Windows, RJ.
For fuck's sake.
Well, in that case, I've got a little gift for you.
Call it an opening-day bonus.
Does this mean we can cease all the hostilities? Some way to negotiate a peace settlement.
They don't call me Dr Kissinger for nothing.
It's funny, isn't it? Told you it would happen.
Yeah.
It's amazing.
I mean, how do you do it, Mystic Meg? I just looked into your crystal balls.
PHONE RINGS Hello? Yeah.
Put her through, Carol.
Hello, sweetheart.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
What time does your train get in? I'll see you there.
- Everything OK? - Yeah.
Just got to pick Sam up from the station.
- Look, about this - Oh, save your breath, Vincent.
I know how this speech goes.
You're a happily married man, this was just a moment of madness.
Well, I'm not saying it wasn't off the wall mind-blowing, but we both know it can't become a regular occurrence.
I'm not going to run off and tell your wife, - if that's what you're worried about.
- Thanks for understanding.
SHE LAUGHS What's so funny? Oh, I understand.
I'm not sure you do.
Well, maybe you can enlighten me.
This is checkmate.
The endgame, Vincent.
Either you buckle down and work for me at Cachet, or Sam finds out what an un-redeemable cunt she has for a husband.
I'd congratulate you, Jo, but, see, unfortunately your plan relies heavily on me giving a shit about anyone other than myself.
Touche, Vincent.
I guess the only way to find out's to call me bluff.
You've got 48 hours to give me an answer.
That's plenty of time to work out divorce settlement costs.
Well, off you run.
You don't want to keep your sensational wife waiting.
MUSIC: Smalltown Boy by Bronski Beat Lizzie doesn't let me smoke these in the house.
She said that the smell clings to the curtains.
I mean, personally I can't get enough of it.
The aroma of success.
But, like my old man once told me, the secret to a long and happy marriage is to let them have small victories.
That was shortly before his third wife had him killed, but still He had a point.
Ronnie, I've taken a lot of shit over this past year.
You've also taken 50 grand of my money.
Strictly speaking I didn't take it, I was given it.
I'm sure you didn't drive all the way out here to discuss semantics, young Vincent.
This is about Jo, I take it? I wanted to do this personally.
Here.
- And what's this? - My resignation.
I can't accept someone coming in over me.
She's coming in alongside you, not over you.
I didn't have you down as a sexist, Vincent.
I couldn't give two shits if she's got tits, a dick, or a Venus fly trap under her dress.
No, you are going to have to make a decision, it's her or me.
But I've already decided, I want both of you.
- So if that was all - Right.
Well, you don't always get what you want in life, do you, Ronnie? Well, I don't know about that, Vincent.
Sit down.
Fucking hell Right.
Well, you've had your little paddy, stamped your feet.
If you're smart you might even still walk away from here with a pay rise, but talk to me like that again and you'll struggle to walk away from anything, ever.
You got it? Loud and clear.
Good boy.
Now, look, the reason I brought Jo in is because she was hurting us.
Yeah? You're still the one I trust, Vinnie.
Which is why I need you to run 250 grand in undeclared cash to Malta for me.
Now, Ronnie's cash was clearly dirtier than a nursing home's toilet floor, but putting as much distance as possible between myself and that devious bitch Jo seemed like my only play for now.
I'll tear that little prick a new arsehole.
Oh, please I told you it wasn't his fault.
I couldn't hack it.
That's why I quit.
I'm still having words.
I just want to leave all that shit behind me.
Promise me you won't say anything.
All right.
I promise not to confront the little prick.
However, I do not promise that the tyres on his Jag will not get slashed.
Nor do I promise not to sign him up for the National Youth Theatre.
That's better.
I know what the Swans need.
A holiday.
Have you ever been to Malta before? I'm so lucky to have you, Vincent Swan.
Where the fuck is Malta? PHONE RINGS - Hello? - Prepare to be happy, boss.
- Who the fuck is this? - Oh, that's not Brian, is it? Can I talk to Brian from Wuh-Windows? Double-fucking-U windows! Hold on.
Brian, have you been hiring staff without my say so? Oh, take a Valium, will you, Walshy, all right? It's a commission-only hire, so the only cost to you is if he sells, which I assume he has.
Pass him here.
- Ronnie Jay, what's happening? - Christ! Not Ronnie's fucking runt of a son! Oh, I've only closed a deal for 50 grand, but if that foul-mouthed ignoramus wants me out, I'll go and tear up the contract.
No, no, no, no, no.
Let's all just calm down, shall we? Yeah, no, I'm sure he's going to be ecstatic when he finds out you've just closed a deal for 50 grand.
Oh, and tell him this.
It was only that chinless wonder, Lavatory, who gave me the lead.
Oh, that is sweet.
MUSIC: Live Is Life by Opus Na-na naa na-na Altogether now Na-na naa na-na Na-na naa na-na Live Na-na naa na-na Live is life Na-na naa na-na Life Na-na naa na-na.