Whites (2010) s01e05 Episode Script

Whites 1x05 Check on, chef.
- Chef! - Yes, Caroline, just one second - On order, one salmon, one kedgeree, two eggs Florentine.
- Yes, chef! - What exactly are you doing? - Reading out the check.
You can't.
You don't read out the checks, you're not trained.
I was trying to help, get you out the shit.
Right, yes, I'm not in the shit, thank you, Skoose.
I'm perfectly capable of running my own kitchen, thank you very, very much.
Never, ever touch my checks again or my pass.
Your arse? Right, listen up, everyone.
Stop what you're doing.
I'd like you to erase that last check from your minds.
Don't start anything on that order, it doesn't exist.
So check on, one salmon, one kedgeree, two eggs Florentine, yes? - Yes chef.
- Good.
Why don't you two just get naked and wrestle? You'd like that, wouldn't you? - 'Yep?' - Roland, are you going to be much longer? Nearly done, actually, Bib.
What do you think? - Fine.
- Don't think I should go a bit shorter? Not really.
I like a bit of length at theback.
- Roland, if you're nearly done - Come in here a sec, would you? Really? Axel.
Why don't you run the pass? Me, chef? Yeah.
You're more than capable.
Am I? Check on, chef.
Table of nine.
Go on, then.
Off you go.
Uhyes, chef.
- Yes? - There he is.
Do you want a snip-snip before I send Shelly back to the health club? She's very good.
No, thank you.
Sarah does my hair.
She knows exactly how I like it.
Thanks, Shelly.
Turn round.
I've got something to show you.
What now Do we have to do? Quite busy.
Shush shush shush.
No Why would he? Axel, no! - Few more seconds.
- No - Roland, one of us probably be out there to - Ta-da! Wow.
What do you think? - What do I think? - Thought I'd go for something a bit different.
Yeah, no, it is that.
I didn't even know they did chef's jackets in lilac.
- It's not lilac, Bib.
Foxglove.
- Right.
It's for the TV show.
What do you reckon? Cos you've got to have a look.
Marco's got his Afghan tea towel, Heston's got the specs and Gordon's got his horrible, mangled face.
And you're going to be the guy who looks like a Parma Violet.
Come on, Bib.
Don't say that.
I'm feeling nervous enough as it is.
Oh, you poor thing.
Still kind of surprised you actually chose to do this today when we're so incredibly busy.
It wasn't me, it was the TV people.
You know what they're like.
They're always expecting you to drop everything.
Even so, we've got a function for 300.
300 business nobs.
You can manage that, it's a barbecue.
I'm going on Sunday Chefs, Bib.
A lot of people watch that show, in the South West.
This could be really good for me.
For us.
Put this place on the map.
You wouldn't deprive me of that? Uh - I mean, I could stay here, miss out on it, if you want.
- Might be better.
I mean, I can't.
Obviously.
That would be crazy.
Opportunity like this.
But, you know.
Just wanted your blessing, I suppose.
Fine, fine.
I'm sure we can cope perfectly well without you.
We've done a very good job so far this morning.
Well, you say that, but the meat section's on fire.
All the ladies! Talking about me, are you? Oh, you're not a lady.
Guilty as charged! Thought we'd come in and share our good news with everybody.
News? - Have a guess.
- One of your rare-breed hens has laid a magical egg? Chance would be a fine thing! Somebody in this room is getting married.
And it's not me.
And it's not her.
And it's not her.
And it's not her.
And it's not her.
And it's not her.
- Is it Caroline? - You guessed! Yes.
Robin asked me to marry him last night, and I said that that would be nice.
- Great.
- Show him the ring.
There's the ring.
Is that a good one? Welsh amethyst.
Belonged to Noonie Noo-Noo.
That's what Robin calls his grandmother.
Didn't actually buy a ring, then.
Just got one off a dead lady.
Noonie's not dead.
No, it's been in the family for years, I just wanted to give Caroline something really special.
And free! I'd better be going, I'm doing this big TV thing today.
Going on Sunday Chefs.
I should probably rehearse.
Wow.
Sunday Chefs, I love that show.
I guess it's congratulations to you too then, Roland.
Correct.
Chef, guess how Robin proposed to Caroline.
Tied the ring to a pig's tail and made her chase it round a field.
No, silly.
They had a midnight picnic at his farm and Robin filled the entire barn with candles and bras.
Candelabras, Kiki.
Oh, I thought that was weird.
A barn full of candles, how lovely and dangerous.
Well, love is blind.
Even to health-and-safety regulations.
I bet you wish Robin was your boyfriend, don't you, chef? Yes.
Yes, I do.
- So, who's doing the barbecue? - Bib.
Right.
And you're doing your TV show.
I assume that's why you've dressed as an orderly in a children's hospital? It's great that you two are engaged.
I always thought Robin was gay.
- So, who pulled out? - What? Sunday Chefs.
Who did they lose? Caroline, nobody pulled out.
They wanted me so they asked me.
Right.
So if I ask the producers later on, "Who pulled out?" they'll say, "No-one pulled out, Caroline, Roland was our natural first choice.
" Brian Turner fell out of a microlite.
Vegetable.
Vegetable.
Vegetable.
Kiki, everyone's going to be having vegetables.
There is no other option.
Don't need to say it out loud every time.
I just like saying it.
Vegetable.
Vege-table.
Veg-e-table.
Chef? - Yes? - What does "steak" mean? - Pardon? - What does "steak" mean? This is steak.
Yeah, but what does it actually mean, the word? Well, it's a cut of meat, isn't it? - Not always.
- Hmm? - Well, you've got fish steaks, haven't you? - OK, good point.
- Salmon steaks.
- As I say.
- Wooden stakes.
- Completely different type of steak.
- High stakes.
- Completely different.
- Stake through the heart.
- No - Steak-and-ale pie.
OK, we're back to the first one, which is clearly meat.
But what does it mean? It means this! This is steak! Chef, Darryl Somers.
How you going? Listen, I've organised this whole shebang today and I just wanted to come over and say, bloody beautiful tucker.
Oh, thank you.
Did you want some more? Pretty good with the old barbie for a pom, eh? Well, that's nice.
I'm just about to open a place, actually, in Sydney, and I'm looking for a head chef.
I could do with a bloke who knows their way around a barbie.
Sydney? Yeah.
Rose Bay, mate, right on the water.
Got a beautiful little wooden jetty jutting out over the ocean.
We're going to be catching our own fish every morning.
Are we you? Anyway, look, listen to me carrying on, eh? I'm holding up the queue! - You go to it, chef.
- Yes, Bib, Bib Spiers.
It's good to meet you, Bib.
Bloody great job.
Thank you, Darryl.
Vegetable.
It's actually called foxglove.
OK.
Sure, cool.
So, listen, we'll start in the herb garden like you said, then maybe do a little bit over by the lake, and then end up in the kitchen to do the bulk of it with you and your sous chef.
You want my sous chef in it as well? I thought it was just going to be me.
Just to add a bit of colour and movement.
Make you look good.
They just need to float about in the background.
We want to give it that authenticity.
Right, yeah.
Got anyone in mind? That's my sous chef over there.
- Oh, big unit.
- Yeah, he is.
It's fine, we'll just put you up on an apple box for the kitchen stuff.
- Apple box? - For you to stand on.
Hmm? Just on camera, next to him, you're going to look a little bit short.
Here he is.
Doing a fantastic job, as always.
Apparently so.
Roland, I think my head may have just been hunted.
That's great.
Look, I wanted to talk you about this telly malarkey.
Was that them you were just talking to? T'was.
T'was indeed.
The director's had a crazy idea, wants me to have a sidekick.
- Right.
- Yeah, just someone to hover in the background, being a sous chef, bit of light and movement.
Wow.
OK.
Amazing.
Yeah.
The guys can hold the fort.
God, I'll have to call Sarah, she loves Sunday Chefs.
I mean, I haven't shaved, but Marco doesn't shave, does he? Oh, that's awkward.
- Hmm? - You've just automatically assumed No, look, I've had to ask Skoose.
What? Yeah.
- You've asked Skoose to be your sous chef? - Not for real.
No! No! No! Please, not him.
Anyone but him.
It's just a silly TV programme.
No, Roland.
This is it.
This is how it starts.
Bib, you're overreacting.
No, you don't understand.
How could you do that to me? Don't ask him to be your sous chef.
He's use that title to destroy everything that Bib, you said it yourself, we have a function.
Who else am I going to put in charge? You've got Axel.
Don't be daft.
I need my best boy running things.
Which is why, for today, I am going to put you officially in charge of that kitchen.
Roland, we are just about ready to go, I think.
Great.
Ah, sorry we couldn't use you, dude.
It was just the height thing.
Roland was concerned.
So Roland, if you want to head over? In a couple of minutes? What did that man just say? They're pretty much ready, so I should No, no, no.
What did he mean, the height thing? There was just the other issue of your size.
My size? Look, why do you think you never see Tom Cruise in a film with Peter Crouch? Do you really want me to answer that question? Bib, you'd make me look short.
- I'd make? You ARE short! - No, I'm not.
I'm normal height.
You're a giant.
In real life it's perfectly obvious to anyone that you're freakishly tall, looming over people like a triffid or something.
But on television, you'd make me look like a short arse.
Bib! Bib, come on! This is a big opportunity for me.
You wouldn't want to ruin that, would you? Bib? Hiya.
What d'you think? Looks wet, don't it? Yeah, it does.
Touch it.
OK.
It's dry! That's my gel.
It looks wet, but it's dry.
All right, Bib? - How do I look? - Horrible.
Thought it'd take me two years to become Roland's sous chef.
Way ahead of schedule! You're not really a sous chef, Skoose.
It's only make-believe.
For one day.
And while you're busy pretending, I'm going to be out there, running the kitchen, like a real chef.
You look like a real chef, with your little badge.
Which do you think is my best side? Look, if you if you don't be quiet, the only side anyone's going to see of you is your inside side.
This guy's the organiser, Axel.
We need to do something.
I don't even know where we keep the sausages.
What's going on? Somebody's ordered hotdogs, chef.
Hotdogs? - Yes, I know, Bib.
- This is a restaurant, Caroline.
Not a children's tea party or Uncle Bud's Drive-In Hog Shack.
Yes, I'm aware of that Bib, I did try to explain.
But, Mr Somers, the guy who's paid for this function, wants hotdogs sent out to the golf course.
I'll do it.
What? I'll do it.
Yeah.
Not a problem.
- Really? - Mmm, yeah.
I've got a buggy out the back there.
I'll drive them over to him.
Wow, that's great.
Thank you, Bib.
You can be head chef every day.
Hello, here he is.
Ah, Bib, you bloody legend.
Your hot dogs, gentlemen.
Crikey! Look at this, fellas.
The royal treatment.
Nice one! And action.
Herbs.
Nature's very own spice-rack.
Let's kick off with the rosemary.
Rosemary, chef.
Thanks, Skoose.
Finely chop .
.
and bang it in.
Cut.
What happened? Just thinking, you have said "bang it in" a couple of times now.
- Yep.
- Is that intentional? Catchphrase.
I've got others, if that's not working.
Don't tell your mum.
- What does that one mean? - Cooking a nice chocolate cake.
You need half a bar of chocolate, - I say throw in the whole bar.
Don't tell your mum.
- Right.
But this recipe is stew.
Recipe calls for two parsnips, I say throw in six.
Don't tell your mum.
Let's go with "bang it in.
" Oh, can we just take five? Take five? Bib.
All right, Bib? Yes, I'm very well thank you, Skoose.
How's it all going with the film stars? Great.
Just been talking about my catchphrase.
- You've got a catchphrase? - Got a few.
Bang it in, don't tell your mum Eggy eggy eggy.
Just imagine there's an egg here.
That's fantastic.
You've cheered up.
Yeah, just been having a chat with Darryl.
This businessman guy who's opening a restaurant in Sydney apparently, looking for a head chef.
Is he? Yeah.
Rose Bay.
Right on the beach.
You should give Darryl my number.
I think he was actually quite interested in me.
You? You're not a head chef.
Am I not? Yeah, I can really imagine Sarah going for that.
With that skin, all those freckles.
You know the biggest hole in the ozone layer is right over Sydney Harbour? It's like an open wound.
I'll buy her a hat.
Yeah, well, wouldn't fancy it myself.
Well, he wasn't asking you, was he? Service! Ahh, he's got a face for telly, hasn't he? - Roland? - Skoose.
He's got a face like a telly.
Service! He should be Doctor Who.
Ooooo eeee ooo oooo ooo! Wooooow wooooow, aaaaah aaaaah.
Kiki? I wonder if you could count to 800 in your head.
Easy! Go on then.
- You doing it? - Yeah.
I'm up to 17.
Oh.
- Can I start again? - Yes, you can.
You start as many times as you like.
Service! Come on, come on.
Show me what he's worth.
- Hm? - The ring, the ring.
Oh sweet.
I remember when Jack proposed to me.
Panama.
Inside a volcano.
What? Dormant obviously.
Hadn't gone off for three or four years.
Anyway, there he was, in his safari suit, down on one knee looking up at me with one bloodshot eye, he'd caught this awful infection from a tropical parasite that swims around behind your eyeball.
- Oh how romantic.
- Anyway, do tell.
- Where's the honeymoon? - Oh, we haven't even set a day for the wedding yet.
- Or year.
- Well, you should think about Panama.
The best opium on the planet.
Literally, three weeks.
Gaga.
Just hammering away at each other like prairie rats.
Mr and Mrs Wood, I'll just see you to your table.
Right, listen up.
Ca marche.
Two veal, one John Dory, two ravioli, - one duck terrine, yes? - Yes, chef! Now that's ready to go back in the oven for another two hours, so just bang it - Aaah, shitting hell! - Cut there.
Roland, are you all right? Yeah, yeah.
I'm fine.
Come on, Roland, we're nearly there.
Let's go again.
Ca marche.
One veal, one rabbit, two duck terrine, one John Dory, yes? - Yes, chef.
- Bib, have you got a sec? Action.
And now that's ready to go - back in the oven for - Once again, I just wanted to say, beautiful.
That fish was absolutely bloody perfect.
Falling off the bone.
- Thank you, Darryl.
- Roland, - we kind of need you looking into camera for this one.
- Uh huh.
Yep.
Let's go again.
- Actually can we just take a break? - No, not really.
We're kind of up against it now.
So if we could just focus.
You want to do it? Pardon? How about you come round this side, Toby, have a little crack? If it's so easy.
How about you do the cooking, I'll film it, yeah? Right.
Let's take a break, shall we? We'll pick it up in five.
No, you should have seen it, Bib.
Literally, a whole pod of dolphins right there, just off the boat smiling at us! Hello there.
G'day.
Woah, that's a shirt.
Roland White.
I'm the executive chef.
Just filming a TV show there.
Is that right? I've just been talking to your head chef here about his wonderful food.
Bib? He's not my head chef.
- Huh? - Is that what he told you? I was just going by the Oh, the badge.
Of course, yeah.
- What are you doing? - It's off a birthday card.
Not even metal.
No, I'm in charge of this kitchen.
That's why that's embroidered.
So, if there's any credit to be taken for anything then do let me know.
That's my phone number there, email.
Oh.
Right.
Well, I don't know what to say.
Whatever he is, Bib has done a great job for you today, chef.
Oh, he's a fast learner.
Yeah, like a sponge this one.
You only have to tell him something once.
Well, sometimes twice.
No, he's a talented, mate.
You should hang on to him.
Oh, I will.
Thanks for popping in.
Shall we Back to work, everyone.
Office.
Now.
That is the last time you EVER humiliate me like that in front of people, Roland! - Humiliate you! Judas! - Judas!? Yes! I have sweated and bled for you, Roland! I don't like it when they argue.
- I want a bit of respect! - It's a job, Bib! - No-one's forcing you to be here! - You are absolutely right! Skoose You're in charge.
May I? Be my guest.
Can you imagine actually falling out of a microlite? One minute, you're up there, flying high in the clouds.
Not a care in the world.
Then suddenly Oh, God, my legs are all smashed.
My whole life is ruined.
If only I hadn't been such a cock maybe God wouldn't be punishing me like this.
All right, Caroline.
I see what you're doing.
You're not talking about a microlite accident, are you? You're an idiot, Roland.
Yeah, well we all make mistakes.
Hi, guys! Don't know why I thought he was gay.
Chef.
Bib! Have a think, Bib.
Have a bloody good think.
Holy shit! What the hell was that?! Roland? This is crazy, you can't go on now, we're this close to a Michelin star.
There are stars in the sky closer to us than a Michelin star.
Hello.
Got a funeral? Who died? I'm here for my interview, chef.
It's way too soon.
I'm just not interested in another sous chef Hello.
Welcome to hot bananas, what's your poison? Party! What do you know? Since there's nothing above There must be something below So take those pictures off the wall No-one will believe you till your world starts to fall Down.