Whitney s01e16 Episode Script

Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Uh, can can we squeeze in here? Oh.
Oh, perfect.
Thanks.
Do you realize this is the first time all three of us have been in a relationship at the same time? Yeah, they're gonna need to get a bigger couch in here.
Or maybe you can just get a smaller ex-husband.
Hey, who's that girl mark's talking to at the bar? Her name's Katie.
They've been together non-stop for the past couple days.
- He's really into her.
- Aww.
Mark thinks he's people.
The last two days have been fun.
I know.
So fun.
I really like you.
Me too.
I wish I liked you just a little more.
Excuse me? I know.
I'm so bummed.
Well, maybe I should go.
You should definitely go.
[Scoffs.]
Well, at least we can always count on mark to be single.
Dude, what happened? You know what they say.
If you're not sure in 48 hours, you gotta pull the rip cord.
Is "they" you, Pauly D, and the situation, by any chance? No.
You ever heard of mastersofpsychology.
net? Nope.
Because a guy who's written for them coined the term "48 hour rule" on his vlog.
He says you know in 48 hours if someone is right for you, and if you don't, you're just talking yourself into it for the hot monkey sex.
And those are his words, not mine.
The 48 hour rule was true with me and Whitney.
Oh.
No.
It took me way longer.
No way.
It was, like, exactly 48 hours.
You're remembering it wrong.
How do you know? You were bombed.
I was not bombed, okay? She was bombed.
Oh, no, I was more high than bombed.
I was sober.
I was drunk.
I hadn't met you guys yet, but I know what night you're talking about.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
Hmm.
Both: Wake up! All right.
Ahh.
Okay.
Oh, I'm plowed.
You know, this may be the beer goggles talking, but I think we are the cutest chicks in here.
Mm-hmm.
I mean, we are the only chicks in here.
Yeah.
This makes me feel like we're missing a sale.
Hey.
There is nothing to worry about.
We are single ladies in 2008, and we don't need a thing.
I need some Tequila.
I'm shaking.
Okay.
Oh, Roxanne's coming over here.
Be nice.
What? I like Roxanne.
We just don't have that much in common.
It's like, she doesn't really drink.
She's always all over Lance.
I just don't know how to deal with girls who are defined by their relationship, you know? Mm.
Shoot me if I'm ever like that, okay? - Hey, you guys.
- Hi.
Thank you so much for coming.
Hi, Roxanne.
Happy Birthday, Lance.
Oh, thanks, but isn't every day we don't die a happy new birth day? [Gags.]
Oh.
Man, it's been forever since I've seen you guys.
But I'll have more free time now, since Hillary lost the nomination and our phone bank closed.
Oh.
I can't believe our next president could be the only black guy in Chicago lily hasn't slept with.
Still got five months.
Oh, no.
Well, we found where Chicago keeps all its dudes.
Yeah, really.
The prettiest girl in here is that Asian guy.
All right, well, let's go get a drink, and then we'll head out.
Just text that girl Karen.
She has some cute friends.
No, I don't want to text Karen.
She's so boring.
She doesn't have any opinions, and she never has anything to say.
Oh.
Yeah, definitely don't text the perfect woman.
Uh Seriously? You're not gonna let me in? Not without I.
D.
[Sighs.]
Uh, I left it at my office, where I work, 'cause I'm 30 years old.
But why do you still dress like a nine-year-old? [Gasps.]
Both: Wake up! Okay.
All right.
- I'm up.
- I'm up.
Think I'll have that cigarette.
Okay.
Be so much easier if you could just snort cigarettes.
Ugh.
Hey, check it out.
There's a girl.
I think we've struck bronze.
Yeah, well, there's one of her, and there's two of us, so how should we play this? I don't know.
She should probably be in the middle.
Okay, well, first of all, "probably"? Second of all, I'm talking about we should rock, paper, scissors for her.
[Chuckling.]
Oh.
Guess I'm gonna go find that Asian guy.
Hi.
Okay, here we go.
Listen, I never do this, but Oh, God, please stop.
Every time a guy says, "I never do this," he always does this.
- Really? - Yes.
Because what I was gonna say is, uh, I never do this, but I could tell all the way from the other end of the bar that your personality sucks.
[Laughing.]
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Oh, okay.
Someone read the game.
Oh, yeah, no, I read the game, but you're only supposed to use those moves for girls that you're actually attracted to.
- Ah! - Yeah.
Wow.
No, you're supposed to have a comeback for that.
Okay, why don't you come back as someone I'd be interested in? That answers my question on what you're doing alone in a bar full of guys.
You know what? I'm just gonna [Clears throat.]
Hey, are you bipolar? Are you bisexual? Well, I am attracted to you.
Okay, I'm leaving.
[Clears throat.]
Are you coming? Ooh, she's playing hard to get.
You know, we're not even choosing to talk to each other right now.
Our bodies chose for us.
It's millions of years of evolution.
Are you familiar with pheromones? White guys, man.
Ahem.
'Scuse me.
Sorry.
Weirdo.
Okay, uh This is a copy of my birth certificate.
Hm.
Can I please go in now? No.
Now you just want it too much.
Oh.
That guy.
Morning, Whitney.
Morning You.
You know what? I really have to get to work.
The boss is kind of a stickler, so Uh, you're a freelance photographer, Whitney.
You showed me a billboard you did last night.
It was right after you got into an argument with a parking meter.
Look, um, I never do this, so First of all, when a girl says she never does this, she always does this.
Second of all, I actually don't have many one-night stands either.
Oh, no, no, no, one-night stands are, like, my jam.
I normally, um, never sleep over.
So I'm just gonna Oh, well, great.
Go.
Um Okay.
Ahem.
What, now you have dignity? Look, dude.
Here's the thing.
I just, um Dude? You don't even know my name, do you? Okay, I'm sorry.
I forgot.
I'm sure you said it, like, ten times last night, but Yeah, you know, you said it a few times, too.
Your name is slow down? Okay, look, I'm sorry.
It's just that, um, ahem, I just got out of something, and I really need to work on myself right now.
[Laughing.]
Okay.
I'm serious.
I just, um, ahem, I could really see myself Falling for me? And you don't want to take things too seriously? You know what? It's okay.
You don't have to do this.
You don't ever have to justify casual sex to a dude.
Great! Okay.
Okay, great.
Perfect.
We don't have to pretend this is more than it is.
You know, I mean, sometimes sex is just sex.
Totally.
So what do I owe you? [Growls.]
I'm so glad we're hanging out.
We never get to have one-on-one girl time.
I mean, without Whitney.
I usually only see you when you're out partying.
Oh, right.
What else do you like to do? Uh, mushrooms.
Yeah, I love to do mushrooms and Oh.
Oh, oh.
Okay.
See, I was, um, I was thinking more along the lines of rock climbing.
Oh, no, rock climbing on mushrooms would be super-dangerous.
What do you like to do? She likes making jewelry, meditating, and dancing in my dreams.
Hey! Didn't know Lance was coming.
For a girls' night.
Just pretend I'm not here.
Yeah, you know what? Lance is basically one of the girls anyway.
So tell me about this idea you had for a food blog.
Oh, well, I have a very sophisticated palate, and I failed out of college, so Uh, can I get a shot? And a shotgun.
Alex, do you remember when you were like, "I'll have a small strawberry banana smoothie," and I was like, "do you want a free boost with that Like my phone number?" [Laughing.]
You remember that? Uh, yeah.
Well, it was two days ago at Jamba Juice.
Are you mad at me? No.
Why would I be mad at you? I'm just I'm just being weird because you didn't notice my new haircut.
Well, that's because we only met once, and you were wearing a visor.
Excuse me.
These drinks are compliments of the lady over there.
[Laughs.]
Okay.
A beer for you.
And a Shirley temple for the lady.
She wasn't sure that your friend was of legal drinking age.
Unbelievable.
Who is he? Is he in a band? Are they better than my band? Does he have any weed? Honestly, I don't even know his name.
This basket of bread is compliments of the gentleman over there.
[Laughs.]
He said he was worried you may have traded all your food for heroine.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Hey, hey, hey.
Uh, that was really cute what you did back there with the drinks.
Thanks for the fight.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to cause a rift between you and your daughter.
Do you have her for the whole weekend? I met her two days ago.
At build-a-bear? Come on, she's 26.
Okay, I'm 26.
She looks ten years younger than me.
You know, I'm not quite sure who you're insulting.
[Laughs.]
So I'm more clear: You need to get some product for that hair, because you look like Courtney Cox.
No, no, no.
Clean hair, fresh shave.
That's, like, my thing.
Oh.
Well, you should probably get back to your date.
She probably needs you to cut up her hot dog.
Well, you should probably get back to your date.
He's dead.
Your date is terrible.
Your date is the worst.
- Hey, what the hell? - Mm.
Mm.
Oh, you know what? I-I can't.
- Hey, my name is Alex.
- Okay, great.
Hello? Hey.
I just got your message.
You had sex in the bathroom? Yeah.
When are you gonna see her again? I don't know.
I haven't called her.
You don't call her, I'm gonna call her.
No no, I don't have her number.
Oh, well, did you get a last name? No.
I mean, she said it was cummings, but that's obviously a joke.
You had sex in the men's bathroom? [Giggles.]
Thank God your feet never touched the ground.
Oh, my gosh.
This is so exciting.
You know what? I'm gonna have a second drink.
[Giggles.]
[Cell phone rings.]
Oh, my God.
He texted me.
How did he even get my number? What's it say? "I miss you.
" This guy does not get me.
[Cell phone rings.]
"My penis wrote that.
" He totally gets you.
- Text him back.
- No, no.
Come admit it.
You like this guy.
Okay, fine.
I like him, okay? He's really funny and super smart and totally calls me out on my crap.
But I am not dumb enough to think that I could have something real with him, okay? I mean, what kind of person leaves their date in a restaurant to go have sex with someone in a bathroom? You.
Okay.
Yeah, and I'm a terrible person.
Okay? I mean, he's a random hookup, and he's obviously a player.
- But he tracked you down.
- [Scoffs.]
I mean, this guy could be your soul mate.
Come on.
Don't you believe in fate? Or destiny? Hey, I do not believe in fate or destiny, okay? Fate and destiny are names of strippers who wind up being identified by their dental records.
Okay, our waitress clearly quit.
I'm gonna go get us drinks.
Classic Whitney.
Every time she likes a guy, she pushes him away.
I knew she wouldn't text him back.
Oh, she's texting him back.
Okay, but if you want to sound like her, it has to be something sexual.
Okay, uh [Giggles.]
I feel like I'm cheating on Lance.
For God's sakes, give it to me.
"Da da da-da da, from behind.
" Send.
Oh! Okay, you guys, seriously, let's go.
This place is dead.
No! Dead? Are are you kidding? I mean, did you even notice? Look, there's word jumbles on the napkins.
[Slurring.]
Yeah, plus, I'm so drunk I can't even move.
I just need to sit [Normal voice.]
Okay, we can go.
Oh.
Hey.
Hi.
What are you doing here? Well, I-I got your text.
- My text? - Yeah.
Okay, I'm gonna kill them.
I did not text you.
They texted you.
- Ah.
- So, ahem.
Well, uh I'm here now.
Do you wanna go hang out? Okay, you think you can just say the word, and I'm gonna have sex with you again? Well, no.
I mean, yeah, that would probably work, but And your friends made some pretty big promises on that text, but [Clears throat.]
I-I'm saying that we could go somewhere else and and just hang out.
Okay, Alex.
You seem like a very nice guy, Alex.
Alex.
I Look, I know you know my name.
But you you're being an idiot.
There's obviously something here.
Like what? Most girls I date are boring.
And, you know, you surprise me.
Mostly it's the bad kind of surprise, yeah, sure.
- Of course.
- [Laughs.]
But it's still a surprise.
And you know what? I don't know how this ends.
[Sighs.]
I'm sorry, but I just don't want a relationship.
Okay? I am on my own.
And I like it that way.
So, ahem.
All right, tough guy.
You think you're tough 'cause you got sneakers.
What are you doing? Are you are you choking? Oh, hey.
Everybody give us some room.
Give us some room.
Here, here we go.
- Okay, I'm okay.
- One, two, three.
- [Both grunt.]
- Okay, I'm Come on, shut up.
Breathe! Agh! It's I'm fine! It was an ice cube.
It melted.
I'm fine.
Okay.
Thank you.
Yeah, you're welcome.
You just tried to save me.
That's pfft.
No guy I've ever dated would've done that.
What kind of guys have you been dating? [Snickers.]
I told Lance he was not allowed to come.
[Giggles.]
Just us girls.
Am I drunk? 'Cause if I am, I like it.
You've had two drinks.
It gets way better.
[Gasps.]
Oh, we should order Jagerbombs.
You know, 'cause we still haven't seen each other naked.
Wha oh, okay.
[Giggles breathlessly.]
[Cell phone rings.]
Oh, hang on.
That's Lance.
You know what? I'll just let it go to voicemail.
Hey, I'm sorry, you know, that I get annoyed you're always with Lance.
I-I think maybe I'm just jealous.
You guys seem like the perfect couple, and sometimes I just wish I could meet the right guy.
Uh, Lance and I are not the perfect couple.
We fight a lot.
I know it seems like we don't, but we do.
Yeah, but that that's okay.
I mean, everyone fights.
Just makes you normal.
Yeah, no, yeah.
Pfft.
You're right.
I mean, we're probably just going through a tough time.
You see, this is good.
This is why we have girl time.
So we can open up.
Yeah, we thought that having a baby might solve it, but we just have not been able to get pregnant, you know.
The doctor thinks I might have a tipped uterus, so.
Wow, okay.
Throwing it wide open.
[Moaning softly.]
You know, I'm kind of disappointed in you.
It's predictable and not surprising at all to sleep with a guy that saved your life.
Okay, you did not save my life, and I'm not gonna sleep.
Whoa, hold on.
You're not gonna spend the night? No.
That's not my thing.
It's not your thing.
Got it.
Look, uh, hey.
I think you should go.
Excuse me? Yeah, if you're not gonna spend the night, then I think you should go.
[Laughs.]
Okay.
You're not gonna sleep with me? Nuh-uh.
Bye-bye.
Okay, what game is this? 'Cause I will play, and I will win.
I just need to know the rules.
Look, it's not a game.
I don't want to play a game with you.
I like you, okay? The whole thing where we hook up and then you leave, I do that too.
But I don't want to do that with you, all right? Trust me, I can get a much less exhausting version of that with other girls.
Okay, well, so I'm just gonna sleep here? No, you're gonna sleep here, all right? 'Cause I sleep here.
And if you're still here in the morning, then this is happening, okay? So good night.
And hopefully, you're here in the morning.
Okay, I know what this game is.
It's not a game.
Shut up.
Go to sleep.
Ha, ha.
You're my girlfriend.
[Sighs.]
Three years later, and we're still here.
I guess you have to admit mark's 48 hour rule is true.
Okay, I liked you, but it wasn't until 3:00 in the morning, so technically, that's 53 hours.
Oh, I guess we should just call it, then.
You know, it's probably for the best.
It's been a long time since you surprised me.
[Cackling.]
That was a surprise.
You know what would surprise me would be if you cleaned it up.
[Laughing.]
Okay, fine.
I'll give you a real one.
Something I've never told you before is the morning after I saw you at the restaurant, I looked you up.
I knew it.
You were into me from day two.
You insulted me, you had sex with me in a bathroom, and you told me to leave.
I mean, I'm only human.
[Laughs.]