Whitney s01e20 Episode Script

Sorry, I didn't order another drink.
It's from the bartender.
I understand where drinks come from.
I didn't order another one.
Lily, he's hitting on you, okay? He knows you're single now, and he sees you hanging out with us, so he knows you make bad decisions.
Oh, my God.
- I'm so rusty.
- Mm-hmm.
God, this is a testament to how done with dating I thought I was.
I mean, this is a sports bra.
Well, I mean, I'm single again too, so where's my free drink? Roxanne, if they gave you free drinks, they'd go out of business.
Go talk to him.
He's cute.
Oh, no, I can't.
It's too soon.
Isn't it? I mean, how long are you supposed to wait after a breakup till you get back out there? Oh, you're allowed to start dating as soon as you know the relationship's over, even if you haven't broken up yet and he has no idea, so go.
Go.
I don't know.
I just feel weird dating again if I don't know that Neal is.
So Neal's not dating? Oh, I have no idea.
He hasn't returned my calls, texts, emails.
It's like never in the history of man have there been so many ways to ignore a person.
You know what, I can find this out.
If Neal is hooking up with someone, he's for sure told Alex and mark.
I mean, guys would call each other to brag during sex if we'd let them.
[Chuckles.]
Okay, well, still nothing.
Top button, you are excused.
Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience.
Hey.
- Hey, how was drinks? - Fine.
Do you by any chance know if Neal has started dating yet? How would I know? You guys are friends.
You have a website together.
Well, yeah, we're really close, but we never talk.
It's true.
I've been here two hours.
We haven't said one word to each other.
Awesome hang, man.
That's how it should be.
Well, do you notice anything different about him? Like, is he, like, dressing nicer or, like, walking funny? I don't know.
I mean, he seems the same.
As a matter of fact, I think he and lily might get back together, you know? They were, like, the perfect couple.
What? All they did was fight.
Oh, no, that would be us.
Okay, we don't fight.
I teach you things.
Okay, right.
Fine, you know what? Maybe you're right.
Maybe they weren't as strong as Roxanne and Lance.
Are you serious? Roxanne and Lance broke up twice.
You notice nothing.
That's not true.
Uh-uh.
Okay.
Tell mark what I'm wearing right now.
Um Arms.
- Oh, my - Yeah, yeah, see? Okay.
What color are my eyes? Pretty.
Unbelievable.
You don't notice anything unless it's playing the bulls or has a nipple on it.
It's not his fault.
Men are not conditioned to see the minutia around us.
We're built to track and hunt, to spot the bison across the range.
Okay.
Okay.
Now what am I wearing? I don't know, but I do want to shoot ya.
Ha.
Nah, not enough meat.
Okay, well, since Neal won't call any of us back, we should go to his place tomorrow to find out if he's dating anyone.
- Why? - So we can start hating him, and so lily can start doing things that make her hate herself.
Okay, so wait, we want Neal dating someone or not? Well, best-case scenario, we want him to be striking out on OkCupid, but not with girls who are prettier than lily, and, if they are, they need to have less limbs or a kid.
Have you always been this confusing? Wow, dude, you do notice nothing.
- Hey.
- Hey, guys.
What a surprise.
Yeah.
We just thought we'd stop by, see what was up.
Not much.
I'm good.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
Oh, man, well, it's been so long.
How you been, dude? - What's going on? - Not too much.
Still have the same phone number in case you wanted to call before coming over.
Are we interrupting something? Oh, no.
No.
Nothing at all.
Just having a work dinner with a work friend.
- Oh.
- It smells great.
Yeah, smells like you're looking to get a promotion to a new position.
Could you give me a minute? Yeah.
He is on a date.
Based on what? Everything.
Okay, then we should probably go.
No, I want to get a look at the skank first.
Hello.
What's up, bro? Steven, these are my friends Alex and Whitney.
- Hi.
- Hey.
I've heard so much about you.
It's nice to meet you, dude.
Excuse me one sec.
I should get the lamb out of the oven.
Hey, mind if I grab a beer? Why not? You guys are gonna think that this is hilarious.
Whitney thought that we were interrupting a date.
Uh [Laughs.]
We're gonna go.
What? I just grabbed a beer.
Let me have a beer.
Oh, no, we're interrupting.
We should go.
Oh, God, you know what, I'm so stupid.
You guys probably have a lot of work to do.
Sorry.
Hey, have fun on your date.
I am telling you, Neal was on a date with a guy.
- That's ridiculous.
- Really? Okay, he set the table for him, he cooked for him, he cleaned for him.
All right, well, we know you're not gay.
Oh, hey, I got here as soon as I could.
All right, so tell me, what's going to blow my mind out my butt? We just saw Neal on a date.
Wow.
That's huge.
With a guy.
Wow.
I played my huge card too early.
Look, he wasn't on a date, all right? He was just having dinner with a buddy from work.
Oh, my God, it was a date.
All right, try not to knock a plane out of the sky, Kong.
All right, just break it down for me.
- Did you meet the guy? - Yeah, his name was Steve.
"N.
" Steven.
And there are no straight guys named Steven.
Okay, except for Spielberg, Seagal, and Tyler, but good point.
- What were they eating? - Chicken.
Lamb.
With Rosemary.
Okay, so first Neal's gay, and now Rosemary's gay? You're making a lot of assumptions here.
Okay, it was a date.
I mean, their shoes were off.
Because Steven is Japanese.
No, he isn't.
I can't believe Neal is into guys.
Yeah, it doesn't make any sense.
A month ago, he was engaged to lily, and he was, like, obsessed with her.
There had to have been clues.
We have to have missed something.
No, you can't tell anymore.
The line between gay guy and vain, straight guy is gone.
Yeah, Adam Levine erased that line last night on The Voice.
Okay, I don't think you two husky-voiced women should comment on anything.
Okay, well, I am team lily, okay? I don't know what team Neal is on.
Well, probably team Edward or team Jacob.
But I have got to tell lily about this.
No.
What? Are you insane? We're not telling lily.
We don't even know what's for sure yet.
Yeah.
No.
He's right.
Even though it sounds like all roads lead to gay Rome, you can't say anything until you're 100% sure.
I mean, we might have to take our time on this.
Gay Rome wasn't built in a day.
Okay, well, you have to talk to Neal and find out what's going on because I am not good with people.
Or emotions.
Or people with emotions.
Yeah, she's right.
When I got the call that my mom broke her leg, she immediately said we should put her down.
Okay, I apologized, and you have to admit she will never run the same.
[Knock at door.]
We need to talk.
Oh, you know, Alex is gonna be home in, like, 20 minutes.
Look, I know you picked up on something last night.
What? No.
No, no, no, no.
No.
Just two guys hanging out, you know.
Like you and Alex could be in, like, 19 mutes.
Look, Alex called me a bunch of times and said that we need to talk.
I know you put him up to it.
Here's the thing.
I'm emotionally stunted.
And I just feel like you're more Alex's friend.
Whitney.
Am I gay? Wow.
Shouldn't I be asking you that? Look, I really loved lily.
I was incredibly attracted to her.
But then I met Steven through work, and, well, I'm starting to feel something, like a connection, and that sounds so gay.
I mean It is gay.
Ugh! What is happening? - Damn it, Neal.
- I'm sorry.
- I just I don't know what to - No, no.
This is, like, the scariest moment of your life, and you're standing there all vulnerable and confused, and the fact that you're choosing to share this with me is proof of how confused you really are.
Come here.
I've never felt your skin before.
It's so cold.
Oh, my God, is this why you haven't called any of us back? I guess.
I mean, it wasn't intentional.
I just This is really confusing.
You know, growing up in such a conservative family, it was never an option to explore anything sexual.
I mean, we couldn't even explore cable.
So is this the first time you've had feelings like this? I mean, I kissed a boy in geometry camp.
But we were practicing to kiss girls.
I think the real red flag there is geometry camp.
And two years ago I went to go see Michael Buble.
Okay, so there were signs.
Gosh, I haven't known what to say to any of you.
Especially to lily.
I think you need to tell her.
I can't.
I'm not ready yet.
I mean, she freaked out when I told her The Hills was fake.
That's a good point.
Okay, okay, let's just We'll work our way up to that.
Why don't we tell Alex and then go from there? Ugh, how do I tell Alex? You tell him exactly what you told me.
And try not to be distracted by me yelling, "I was right!" Just Hello, Alex.
Hey, Whit.
Seriously, you're that oblivious you don't notice a whole other person with me? No, 'cause you're alone.
Oh.
Neal.
Neal.
Hey, dude.
You don't have to hide behind "dude" anymore.
Okay, look, Alex.
The other night, when you came over, I was kind of on a date.
Cool.
You want a beer? That's it? Yeah, what do you want me to offer him, an Appletini? Come on, don't be a homophobe, Whit.
Okay, well, one idiot down.
Only a few more to go.
That wasn't so bad, right? No, no, you're right.
Okay.
Okay.
Maybe later this week - I'll be ready to tell - Hey, guys.
Oh, God.
- Oh.
- Hey.
- Oh.
Oh, God.
- What are they doing here? I told you, I invited them over to watch Justified.
Love that show.
[Imitates gunshots.]
Uh, Whitney, it's fine.
Are you sure? Yeah, it'll be easier this way.
What's easier? Are you coming out of the closet? Oh, man, that joke's not funny if you're coming out of the closet.
Okay, look, there's this Guy that I've met that I'm, like, attracted to, and it took me by surprise, and whatever you call that.
Wow, Neal, um good for you, huh? What? I don't know what to say.
Wow.
Yeah.
I am sorry.
I owe you an apology for all the times that I've used the "g" word so carelessly to describe things that I think are lame.
Like Europe.
Or skinny jeans.
The point is, the "g" word is supposed to mean happy, and right now, Neal, I'm so gay for you.
- Uh, thanks.
- Yeah.
Look, I don't really know what this all means just yet.
I mean, I'm not attracted to all men.
And you don't have to worry.
I'm not attracted to you.
Okay, well, you don't have to be hurtful.
How did it go when you told lily? I haven't told her yet.
- Oh.
- Okay, you know what, maybe we should have a dinner here.
Like, tomorrow night we could invite lily, and then we'll all be around to support her, you know, in case she has a nervous breakdown.
Or in case I have a nervous breakdown.
I mean, this whole thing has just been, like, really stressful for me.
[Sighs.]
I don't know.
Tomorrow seems really close to now.
All right, well, you better tell her soon.
Here.
I mean, she's gonna find out.
You told lady chardonnay and Johnny no clue over here, and then this one's, like, 90% mouth.
Okay, well, you've never complained about that before.
All right, check it out.
Did my hair, ironed my shirt, aftershave.
Let's see that little punk not be into this noise.
Take a whiff.
No, there will be no whiff-taking.
Why? Scared you might like it? [Laughs.]
Neal's not into you, all right? Get over it.
Uh, he's confused, but he's not blind.
Hey, hey, look at you dressed all nice.
And look at me all noticing.
- Hey.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Where's Neal? I heard you guys actually got him to come out tonight.
What? Okay, well, obviously you guys know something that I don't, so What, he's dating someone? Let me guess.
Tall, huge, pendulous breasts.
You know, it's kind of hard to explain.
Mm-hmm.
Well, try.
It's it's not really our place to say.
Who is she? Her name sienna or jade? She's one of those hot girls who's named after a crayon? - Hey, Neal.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Hey, guys.
What is going on? I've been trying to get a hold of you.
[Sighs.]
Could you guys give us a minute? All: Yeah! Sure! [Overlapping statements.]
Hey, listen, Neal, when you get a chance, can you check the lamb and see if it's done? I have no idea what I'm doing.
Okay.
Okay.
Sorry.
- [Door shuts.]
- How have you been? A little annoyed that you've been ignoring me.
How about you? I've been Kind of Gay, I think.
It's too quiet in there.
This is not going well.
Why do you always associate quiet with bad? It's not just quiet.
I associate everything with bad.
Well, I guess I'm gonna sit on this weird bedroom couch and try not to think about what you guys do on it.
And I will do the opposite.
Look, Lil, being in love with you was real, my attraction real, the proposal real.
I never felt any of this stuff until after we broke up.
And then I met this guy named Steven.
And I don't know.
This is really confusing.
I really want to hug you right now, but I also want to punch you right now.
I can't believe I'm the last to know.
I'm sorry.
I didn't know how to tell you.
I didn't want to put you through this.
Well, I'm going through it anyway.
Can you guys imagine being attracted to men and women? It just sounds so Exhausting.
You know what, I'm gonna go out there.
Look, you're not gonna go out there, okay? - You've done all you can.
- No, I could maybe, like Look, I know you say I don't notice things, but I did notice that you helped a human being in an emotional time of need without making any inappropriate jokes.
Oh, my God, I have so many.
When they leave, I mean, it's on.
I know.
I know.
I know it's on, all right, but what my point is, is that it doesn't matter if I don't notice your top or your hair or your leg things or whatever.
Did you just forget the word pants? - Pants.
- Okay.
I thought, maybe if I waited, I'd have some more answers for you.
What answers? To how this could happen, to what is going on, to what I am.
You don't have to be anything.
All right, you don't have to be gay or straight.
You're just Neal.
Your sexuality's fluid.
It's like sometimes people fall in love with people, not genders.
I never thought of it that way.
Yeah.
'Cause you should have come to me first.
I'm sweet and supportive, you ass.
You have every right to be mad at me or hate me for a while.
I don't hate you.
Come on.
You know my family.
I had to come out of the closet as straight.
Look, if you're going through something, you come to me first, okay? I know you better than anyone, and you're gonna need me to help you lie to your mother, so Thanks, Lil.
You're amazing.
But if I ever meet that bitch Steven, I will cut her.
Hey.
How's it going? - Good.
- Yeah, we straightened everything out.
I have a joke for that.
- Shh.
- I'm gonna keep it to myself.
So, well Lil, now you can take that bartender up on his offer.
What bartender? Oh, that one at Mason House.
Oh, well.
That guy is so gay.
Well, guess I have a type.