Whitney s01e22 Episode Script

Good morning.
Good morning, future husband.
Oh, I can't believe we got engaged last night.
I can't tell if you're hugging me or trying to keep me from running.
Oh, both.
Okay, why would I run from you? I mean, you're not even family yet.
So does this mean that you're taking my last name? You think I'm gonna keep the last name Cummings? This is so exciting.
For the first time in my life, people are gonna be able to Google me without porn coming up.
Oh, you know what, there's actually a porn star with the name Whitney Miller.
She bleaches ev We're getting married.
So how do you want to do this? You want an engagement ring or something? Oh, you know what? If you're gonna do that, I'd rather just have the cash if that's cool.
All right, so how are we gonna do this? You're like the girl that hates weddings.
Okay, I am gonna do whatever you want to do, okay? If you want to do it in a church, I'm there.
I may not be sober, but I'm there.
I don't know.
A big wedding, that doesn't really sound like us, you know.
- That doesn't matter to me.
- Okay, so what should we do? Let's just go down to city hall and knock it out, you know? No family, no tux, no stupid dress.
Just me and you standing naked in front of a judge.
That actually won't be the first time for me.
That's exactly why I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Okay, so when? You know what, this sounds kind of crazy, buy what if we do it tomorrow, all right? I mean, tomorrow will be my grandparents' 60th anniversary and they're, like, the best married couple ever.
It's gonna be like a lucky day for us.
Okay, let's do it.
This is so exciting.
I mean, from now on, if you want to leave me, you're gonna have to pay me.
I like it.
Yeah, I like the way you think.
Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience, so Dude, I don't know what to do about this Roxanne situation.
I mean, I can't stop thinking about her.
It's really pissing me off.
It is so weird that you are into her.
You know, lily's almost home.
Talk to her about it.
She'll know what to do.
Dude, you and lily's relationship is so weird.
I mean, you were engaged, you broke up, you come out as bi, gay, whatever, and now you just hang out at her apartment - when she's not home? - Yeah.
I feel like our relationship could probably win Sundance.
Hi.
Oh, hey, Lil, mark and I have something to talk to you about.
Oh.
Oh, I know you two are hooking up.
- What? - No, we're not.
Oh.
Never mind.
What's up? I'm having this weird thing going on with Roxanne.
I think I have Feelings for her.
What? You like Roxanne? How is that possible? She's over 30 and has her own car.
I know.
It doesn't make any sense.
Oh, my God.
Did you just find out about this too? Yes.
No.
Wow.
Now that we're not engaged, I have lost all interest in lying to you.
You guys, I think about her a lot.
Like, I'll see a cute baby and I'll be like, "oh, Roxanne would hate that," or like, "look at that alley.
Roxanne's probably sleeping in it.
" You know, mark, maybe this is happening because you haven't hooked up with anyone for a while.
Yeah, maybe you're frustrated.
But Roxanne is the reason I haven't hooked up with anybody.
I compare every girl I meet to her.
Oh, God, mark, nut up! Okay? Roxanne has been through too much.
The last thing she needs is you messing with her head, so get over it.
Okay.
No, you're right.
I'll shake it off.
I'm Irish catholic.
I've repressed feelings all my life.
Good, because, after our break-up and Neal flying half a rainbow flag, our group can't take any more stress.
You know, no more big life events, no more bombs are allowed to be dropped.
Guys, guess what? - We're getting married.
- Tomorrow.
All right.
Here we are.
So window three is for marriage licenses.
It's two down from the d.
U.
I.
Window.
What? I know.
I told 'em.
They should just combine the two.
Okay, you guys get in line.
- We'll be there in a sec.
- Okay.
Whoo! You're getting married.
- Oh, my God.
- What? We forgot flowers.
You need flowers.
You know what, I got some pot in my glove compartment.
Oh, wait, do we have the stuff what is it? The thing with something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue? Okay, okay, this dress is new.
And I plan on returning it tomorrow, - so it is also borrowed.
- Nice.
Okay, what about old or blue? Okay, I don't have anything old, but I did tell Alex no sex till after the wedding, so he's got two things that are blue.
- [Laughter.]
- Thank you.
Dude, you gave me no time to throw you a bachelor party.
Luckily, I have pictures of naked girls on my phone.
- Party's over.
- All right.
Good luck.
Should have been me, but it's fine.
I mean, I think we can all agree that it's weird Whitney's getting married before me, but I'm good.
I'm gonna go get that pot, so Next.
- Hi.
- Hi.
How can I help you? Hey, I am tired of getting free milk, and I would like to purchase this cow.
Okay, I'm gonna need to see two forms of I.
D.
From you and your lovely cow.
All right.
This driver's license is expired.
- What? - Yeah.
You need a current driver's license if you want to get married and also to, you know, be a person, I mean Do you have another form of I.
D.
? Oh, do you have your social security card? [Scoffs.]
Okay, what do we do? You need to go to the DMV, renew your license, so you can get married.
Oh, come on, don't you have like a database or something where you could look that stuff up online? Sir, this is city hall.
We don't have the Internet.
Next.
How do you fail a multiple-choice driving test? You've been driving for 13 years.
Okay, every question was about school zones and school buses.
I mean, you have to be a pedophile to pass that thing.
All right, well, now you can't take the test for another three weeks, so there goes that.
Okay, no, we are gonna get married today.
Okay, I just need to figure out another form of I.
D.
All right, well, it's already 4:00, so we only have an hour left.
I'll call my dad.
He'll fax me my birth certificate.
Uh, no, we don't want to risk him coming, 'cause that'll ruin What we're already ruining.
First of all, he's my dad.
He was barely there when I was conceived.
Second, he's in Arizona.
He would never make it in time.
Okay.
Dad, hey, it's Whitney.
Cummings.
I need you to fax me my birth certificate because I'm here with Alex and we are getting married.
So Okay! Great.
Great.
Okay.
Thank you.
- Okay, bye.
- That was easy.
Yeah, well, he's not going to fax it.
We have to go pick it up.
- What, in Arizona? - No, he's here in Chicago.
Come on, I'll scream in the car.
- Dad! - Oh, here comes to bug! Da da da da and Mr.
Groom bug I can't believe it.
My daughter's first marriage.
Vince, I thought you said we were meeting at your office.
This is it.
I move around too much to sign a lease.
Look at this place.
I got everything I need.
Ba-dah, ba-dah, blah, blah.
Ha.
So we really need that birth certificate.
- We're kind of in a hurry.
- Right, right, right.
One certificate de birth coming right up.
I got the corporate headquarters right here.
All right.
And now just wait one hot doggone minute.
If you want to marry my daughter, you're gonna have to ask me properly for permission.
Dad.
Go see if there's some loose change in that vending machine over there.
Ugh.
Just like old times.
You know, I'm sorry, Vince.
May I have your daughter's hand in marriage? For a price.
- I'm kidding.
- Okay.
I don't You know, before I give you my permission, though, I just want to make sure you're in it for the long haul.
I mean, Whitney, for for whatever reason, has trouble trusting men.
You know, I blame the public school system.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I promise, I am.
Well, you better be.
Because if you ever hurt her, I've got a guy who's available at a moment's notice in three to five years.
Okay, understood.
Yes, sir.
All right, congratulations.
You are the proud owner of one Whitney Cummings, as is, no returns.
Oh, good.
Okay, we can still make it by 5:00.
- Yeah.
- Whoa, you want to get married - today? - Yeah.
No, city hall closes at 4:30 on Tuesdays.
[Both groan.]
Now we can't get married till tomorrow.
- Ugh.
- I can't make it tomorrow.
I promise I'll be at the next one.
- Hi.
- Hey, is Roxanne here? No, she's not.
Mark, you are obsessed, man.
Let it go.
Oh, no, I have.
Actually I realized I don't like her at all.
Like is something that's supposed to make you happy.
She's making me miserable.
So where is big, fat Roxanne anyway? She's on a date.
Okay.
Okay, see, that Now that makes me nauseous.
Hoo.
I really do hate that woman.
God, oh, no.
Mark, I think you might be in love with her.
What? Well, then I have been lied to.
By Rachel McAdams and babyface.
[Laughter.]
Oh, hey, guys.
Everybody, this is Nick.
Hey.
Nick, huh? - Uh-huh.
- What are you doing, man? You're bringing a girl home at 9:00 at night.
- Are you loco? - What? Mark, what the hell? - Calm down.
- You stay out of this.
Okay, I'm gonna head out.
So it was Ooh, keep it in your pants, man.
She she said good-bye.
What? Okay, Nick, I'll call - Are you okay? - What? Of course I'm okay.
- Are you insane? - Did he hurt you? What? Did mark see Drive again? Mark has something that he needs to tell you.
We'll give you two some space.
Okay.
Mark, what's going on? Why are you acting like this? Wait, did I Did I do something wrong? Yes.
You're in my brain.
Get out.
What? I think about you all the time.
I'm always thinking of things to make you laugh.
Those Those fancy wine glasses that I have in my apartment, those weren't from my Aunt.
I got those for yo so that you'd have something to drink out of when you come over.
And this morning there was a woman in the grocery store She smelled like you, and so I followed her around for half an hour.
W-wow.
Um, wow, I don't e I don't even know what to say.
Lily thinks I'm in love with you.
What do you think? Mark, um We're friends, you know.
And I don't think we should be anything more than that.
Coo.
Coo.
Mark, I'm really sorry.
No.
No, no, no.
No way, Jose.
- Come on, mark.
- No, no.
I'm totally fine, Jose.
It's impossible to make an honest woman out of you.
I'm sorry, but tomorrow we are gonna get married so hard.
Oh, yeah? Hey, listen, I know you said you didn't want me to get you a ring, but I figured since we're getting married tomorrow anyway, I might as well stop caring about what you want now.
Oh, my God.
Before you say that this isn't us, I want you to know that this little diamond right here is just like you, and it's hard and pretty and full of flaws.
Oh, my God.
It's beautiful.
It's too small.
It doesn't fit.
Oh, no, I got it.
[Spits.]
Classy.
Oh, my God.
Did you just get this so that guys wouldn't hit on me? No, your personality does that already.
Oh, my God.
I kind of get the whole ring thing now.
I mean, I don't get the posting but I do kind of want to show this to a couple girls I hate.
- I love you.
- I love you.
You know, I know we said we weren't gonna have sex until the wedding, but I did buy you a ring.
- [Screams.]
- Ooh, why did you do that? Oh, my God.
Are you okay? - Did you lose weight? - Oh, I'm fine.
- Are you sure? - I'm fine.
Okay, all right.
Okay, okay.
- All right.
- I was dropped like that - all the time as a kid.
- Okay.
Oh, my God, my ring.
[Both scream.]
How come we can't talk about getting married without winding up in the hospital? We got to move.
We got to cut this ring off, - or we're gonna lose the finger.
- No.
That's my engagement ring.
Alex gave me that.
Ma'am, your finger is dying.
Look, Whit, come on, shut up.
It's just a stupid ring.
Okay, but do not cut off my middle finger.
I need it to communicate with strangers.
Thanks.
I'll be back to set the finger.
All right, I'm sorry.
This is just so weird.
I mean, you have ten fingers, and, out of all of them, your ring finger's the one that breaks.
So? So, I'm just saying it's hard not to take it as a sign.
I mean, your finger had an engagement ring on it for three minutes, and it tried to kill itself.
Honey, the only thing this is a sign of is that we are gonna get so much Vicodin.
Okay, nothing is going to stop us now.
All right, we got all the documents, we got two forms of I.
D.
, we got all 20 fingers, and another line to wait in.
God, I'd love a place to sit.
Oh, is that something that you could love? You could love that? Great.
I knew our group would get weird.
Now I know what it was like to be in no doubt.
Are you seriously trying to tell me that the idea of us never even crossed your mind? I don't know.
Maybe once or twice.
You know, it was when I was really drunk and desperate.
That's every day.
You know what, you take me for granted.
Sometimes you need to see somebody be with somebody else to realize that you have feelings for them.
Lily, come here.
I need to borrow your face.
Uh You're acting like a crazy person.
Yeah.
I can tell that made you a little bit jealous.
I know that look.
What look? That face you made is the face that you make - when you're into someone.
- What? Lily? No.
I-I did not like that.
I'm just It was very confusing.
How is it possible that I am the least sexually confused person in this group? Is my middle name Ann with 'e' or no 'e'? No 'e'.
I don't know.
It looks weird.
Duration of marriage? We have to decide that now? Ten years or When's our lease up? She gave us divorce forms.
[Groans.]
All right, I'll go get the right ones.
No, wait, wait, hold on.
What are we doing? This is crazy.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
- I'll be right back.
- No, Whit.
- What? - I love you.
I love you too.
Do you have cancer? No, look, ever since you said yes to marrying me, nothing has gone right.
All right? The DMV, the emergency room, your dad, and now this.
Maybe I do have cancer.
Honey, I know this is stressful and awful, but I'm pretty sure that's what marriage is supposed to be like.
Hey, look, I know you don't believe in fate, all right, but I do.
I think it was fate that we met, I think it was fate that we fell in love, and, I don't know, now maybe fate is trying to tell us something here.
That I should have worn underwear? No.
Look, the whole idea of us having this wedding was that we wanted to find the perfect thing for us.
But maybe the universe is trying to tell us that we've already found it.
Okay, so I've been telling you that for three years, and the universe tells you that for two days, and you listen to it? You know, I know you're gonna find this hard to believe, but I think that the universe is actually louder than you.
Honey, the reason I want to marry you is 'cause I know it's important to you.
I wanted you to know that, even though sometimes I suck at this, I'm not going anywhere.
Well, I know that now.
I just want what we had two days ago.
Forever.
You mean us not married? Yeah, us not married at home in sweats with your finger not broken and having had sex.
Okay, but we did all this, we came all the way down here, and we're five minutes away from getting married, and we're just gonna bail on it? Oh, my God, that is so us.
Yeah, that is so us.
You know, I have an idea for something that's even more permanent than this.
So do you really want to do this? I do.
Do you really want to do this? I do.
[The Naked and Famous Young Blood.]
we're all young and naive still we require certain skill the motive changes like the wind hard to control when it begins Hi.
Hi.
Okay, don't fall in love with me.
Okay, I won't.