Whitney s02e13 Episode Script
Nesting
- Hey.
- Hey.
You're still up.
What have you been doing? Wow.
You look like a foreign flag to a country no one wants to visit.
You're the one that made me go to an '80s party alone.
Hey, you said I didn't have to go.
I know, but it would've been so easy for you.
All you gotta do is put on a little less mascara.
You could have went as Pat Benatar.
Yeah, but you had fun, right? Kind of.
When you're not with me, people think that we're having problems.
That doesn't make any sense.
It's when we're together that we have problems.
Yeah, people think it's weird, though, you know, when they see me at parties without you.
People see us together all the time.
I went with you to that thing last year.
The funeral? I just don't like going out on the weekends.
You know, I feel like weekends are for resting, not for getting more tired.
I know.
It's just frustrating.
I mean, there are some things I can't get you to do with me.
Like what? Well Okay.
Besides that? We--you know, we never went on a honeymoon.
Okay, but we were working on it, and we were deciding where to go, but then we started watching Breaking Bad, and all of a sudden, nothing else mattered.
Well, so let's do it.
Let's go on a real honeymoon.
Okay.
Okay, um, I know.
Why don't we stay in all weekend and watch the prequel to Breaking Bad? - Malcolm in the Middle? - Yes.
Well, I don't know.
Let's go someplace cool, like Las Vegas.
Vegas? Am I not spending your money fast enough in Chicago? All right, well, how about we go to my parents' lake house, huh? It's cold and gloomy and totally isolated this time of year.
Hmm.
I'm listening.
Come on, it'll be fun.
It'll be good luck too.
My parents spent their honeymoon there, and they're like The perfect couple.
Okay.
Let's do it.
We're going on a honeymoon.
Yeah.
All right.
Hey, we're gonna have a lot of alone time, so you better bring extra birth control pills.
Okay, so you just have no idea how that works.
- Just none.
- I don't know.
You got, like, 30 at a time.
By the way, this outfit is birth control.
Look at you, going on a honeymoon.
Man, you are living the dream.
My dream.
Yeah, and at a lake house.
That sounds fun.
Well, fun-adjacent.
Okay, Lily, enjoy my place for the weekend.
I'm sure it's gonna be a nice change from Roxanne's couch.
Yeah, it is gonna be nice to sleep on something that doesn't have buttons.
- Oh.
Perfect timing.
- Hey, Mark.
- Hi.
- Hi.
All right, what do I need to fix? Here's everything, but don't forget to fix the bedroom doorknob.
What happened to your bedroom doorknob? Alex fixed it.
Every time Alex tries to fix something, he makes it worse.
So Whitney secretly has me come over and refix it.
Why don't you just tell Alex he can't fix stuff and have a handyman come? And that is why you are alone.
All right, I'm off.
- I've got a honey to moon.
- Bye.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Too late.
We already did that this morning.
Bye.
What? They write their names on their yogurts.
It's a little weird.
No, what's weird is they don't eat Greek yogurt.
Oh, I know.
I love Greek yogurt.
Yeah.
Mark, what are you doing? I don't know.
We started connecting, and my drill went off.
Hey, honey, I'm really looking forward to our awesome honeymoon.
Why are you yelling? Because if they know we're going on our honeymoon, sometimes they'll give us free things like chocolate or champagne, or they might even upgrade us to first-- We're on our honeymoon! Till death do us part! Here.
I'm here, you're there.
- Oh.
Excuse me.
- Hi.
We are a couple, and we accidentally booked two window seats.
Would you mind switching with us so that we can sit together? Oh, we're a couple too, and we don't want to sit together.
So sorry about that.
Okay.
We--we really are a couple.
We just-- we both like aisle seats, so-- No, it's cool.
Um, you know, neither of us like to sit in the window seat, so we just do this, so we don't get resentful.
It's just--it's only a two-hour flight, so Oh, totally get it.
You guys may end up sitting together anyway, 'cause we're probably gonna be upgraded 'cause we're on our - Honeymoon! - Honeymoon! Oh, when did you guys get married? Yes and no.
We actually got tattoos instead.
You probably saw mine while I was getting searched at security.
Aah! - Are you okay? - Dude, are you all right? Okay, he's fine, and you know that.
- What happened? - My wife touched me.
Wife.
See? Told you.
So? What do you think? Oh, my God, it's beautiful.
Psst.
Let's do it.
Wait.
Can people see us? Nope.
Nobody's around for miles.
Oh.
You mean--okay.
Wait, like, nobody at all? It's kind of creeping me out.
All right, okay.
We'll--we'll kiss first.
Okay.
Okay, no.
But it's just this place is kind of reminding me of the house in Lake Blood.
I've never seen it.
I watched it three times, and to this day, I hate being murdered.
Whit, it's okay.
I'm not gonna let anything happen to you.
That's exactly what the lake said to the kid.
What? What? Is the lake behind me? No.
Somebody left the window open.
It's a great way to let bats in.
Bats? You mean baby vampires? Okay, between the bats and the murderers, I'm gonna leave here with no blood.
Whit, relax.
Nobody wants your blood.
It's full of splenda and antidepressants.
But you should be extra careful, though, because in horror movies, sluts always die first.
Romantic.
That's really romantic.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God, he's here! - Who? - The lake.
Where's the panic room? Wherever you are.
Aah! Oh, my gosh, we're gonna die! Do you remember my brief bisexual phase? It wasn't brief, and it wasn't that bi.
That when it snows my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen - Dad? - Baby I compare you to a kiss from a rose - on the gray - Dad! Aah! Thank God I wasn't singing Sade.
That would have been embarrassing.
It's good to see you, guys.
So good to see you, Wayne.
- Call me "Dad.
" - It's just so negative.
What are you guys doing up here? Oh, well, we never had an official honeymoon, so we decided to come up here for a few days.
Your honeymoon? Oh, my goodness.
Let me get out of your hair.
I'll just get my catfish out of the tub.
- No.
- No, no.
It's okay, dad.
Where's--where's mom? Oh, she--she stayed home, yeah.
She had a thing.
But we haven't been up for a while, so I just drove up for the night to keep things working, turn some stuff on, you know.
A house is like a living thing.
This house is alive? Dad, what are you wearing? It's my new thing.
It's called under armour.
It wicks away sweat, so you never have to wash it.
See what happens to him when mom is not around? Ah, come on.
Don't listen to him.
I wear the pants in the family, which, by the way, also become shorts.
Um, why don't you guys make yourself comfortable? Are you hungry? I can unwrap some cheese and nuke up some bread.
Come on, sit down.
Uh, you know, don't worry about it, dad.
Just relax.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You almost sat on my nest.
Where'd you get that? Well, there are these two Robins that lived out in that pine by the tool shed.
And, I don't know, one day the singing turned into pecking.
Pecking, pecking, pecking.
Until today, I just found this nest on the ground abandoned.
You guys want some tea? Um, honey, do you want to go get the luggage? Aw, I thought we were gonna have some tea.
Um, you know, our honeymoon tools are in there.
Uh, be right back.
Wayne, are you okay? I'm fine.
Why? Um--oh.
That's a lot of beer for just one night.
I always bring a little extra beer.
For the ducks.
All right, I gotta be honest with you.
The beer's not for the ducks.
I've been up here a week by myself.
Madeline doesn't have a thing.
It's just that she's like-- Ah, it's your honeymoon.
I don't want to bother you about this.
No, no, no.
You can talk to me about this.
Okay, just tell me what happened.
Did she find out you have a secret family? Did she cheat with a realtor? Because if you're not careful, this kind of stuff can lead to some serious problems.
Oh, that's right.
You're a mess.
You understand.
Oh, my God, you guys.
They share an underwear drawer.
That's not that weird.
Uh, no, no, no.
There is a drawer next to the underwear drawer that's empty.
Yeah.
Yeah, that underwear drawer thing, it's not the weirdest part.
The weirdest part is the knob on the empty one keeps breaking.
What does it mean? I mean, I just cannot figure them out.
Relationship-wise, they've completely gone rogue.
I mean, they lie about fixing things, they label their yogurts, and the worst part is they're happy.
And I'm single.
And who puts pillows on the floor? Psychos.
You think that's weird? Alex keeps his porn on Whitney's computer.
What? - I still like magazines.
- Oh, me too.
- Yeah, me too.
- No, no.
I'm not touching that hand.
Madeline and I-- I don't know.
It's just that I-- You know? Sometimes, I don't want to sleep with a hundred tiny pillows in a room that's 78 degrees, you know? Plus, her breathing in and out and in and out.
Okay.
Well, you know, it's okay to need some space sometimes.
Yeah, I mean, you know, I got things to do too, you know.
I mean I gave up everything when we got married-- cigars, scotch, Judaism.
Well, just 'cause you're married doesn't mean you have to give up who you are.
That's what I just said to the nest.
I don't know.
We'll work things out.
You know, I mean, we can't sell the house.
Not in this market.
Well, you know, for what it's worth, you and Madeline are like the best couple I've ever seen.
Oh, thanks.
Kind of nice that we can have this, you know, open and honest relationship.
Just don't tell Alex about this, okay? Oh we don't talk much.
Come on.
You're gonna be fine.
Aw, thanks, kid.
Oh, uh, you know, just 'cause you don't have to wash that shirt, doesn't mean you shouldn't.
Whitney, come on.
It's our honeymoon.
I want to break off a piece of my beautiful corpse bride.
I can't believe you blew up the bathroom.
On our honeymoon.
Well, whatever.
It's our first night together.
I was nervous.
Come on.
- Be romantic.
- Oh.
- Okay.
All right.
- Okay.
Yeah.
What happened to your edible underwear? Oh, I ate them on the plane.
Come on, get in here.
But the piña colada has gone way downhill.
Yeah, okay.
You're gonna have to stop talking.
Oh, so your dad doesn't hear us? No, just in general.
My power, my pleasure, my pain baby Why isn't he in bed? I don't know.
This is kind of weird with him here.
Should we just wait till we get home? No, no, no.
Just be quiet.
And then, when the moment comes, I'll jam a pillow in your mouth.
I am so sick of that.
I'll be quiet.
I promise.
Okay.
- Oh, God! - You kids okay in there? - Coming in.
- No, no, no! Obviously, obviously, don't come in here, dad.
Oh, right, right, right.
I'm pushing for a girl.
Night, guys.
Ah.
- You know-- - Me neither.
Yeah, this-- this just kind of feels like a family weekend.
Uh, I'm gonna call my mom, and I'll invite her up.
Take me.
Tear off a piece.
Tap that.
Okay.
I'm gonna walk away from the door now.
All right, Whit.
Come on, here.
Just give me the phone.
I'll call my mom.
It'll be fun.
Please don't.
What, you don't want my mom up here? Are you afraid she's gonna make you eat carbs? No, I just-- I kind of got the vibe that your parents would be cool not seeing each other this weekend.
Ooh.
Wow.
You know, of course.
Of course you're gonna do this.
- What? - This.
You always spin everything into a dark place.
My parents are fine.
You just don't know what a healthy family looks like.
Yes, I do.
I watch commercials.
Whit, seriously.
Do not project your damage onto us.
My parents are happy.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- Okay, so just stop.
- I've stopped.
- I've stopped.
- All right.
Come on, don't go to bed.
It's our honeymoon.
You know what? I'm gonna go downstairs.
I'm gonna get some of that champagne.
Okay? You just stay right here.
Ahh.
I'll be right back.
Lover.
You guys, all of the prescription bottles in their medicine cabinet are made out to a Gloria Lecroix.
Who's that? I don't know, but I'm really worried about her.
She's clinically depressed, she has A.
D.
D.
, and a thyroid problem.
And they have her pills.
Well, don't look at me.
I don't know how to help people.
Besides, I'm still trying to figure out why they TiVo the weather channel.
Well, this doorknob is fixed.
You on the other hand, are gonna take a little longer.
- Mark.
- I'm sorry.
You look like Claire Danes right now.
All right.
I know what I need to do.
I'm gonna go in there, and I'm gonna get those prescription bottles, and then I am gonna put the pills in my mouth.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Please don't overdose.
If you're not famous, it's just sad.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How was your honeymoon? Well, we hung out with his dad, we got in a fight, and we didn't have sex.
So we are officially married.
Ha.
- Right.
- How was your weekend? It was great.
Realized I'm clearly not qualified to be in a healthy relationship.
Too normal.
So you went through our stuff? - Love you.
- Hey.
Oh, hey.
What'd your mom say? Uh, she said the same thing that my dad did.
That she stayed home because she had an appointment.
Sotold you.
Nothing's wrong.
Cool.
God, I'm good.
It's your save-the-date photo.
Alex? What are you doing? Nothing.
Was I grinding your teeth? Everything's not okay with my parents, is it? Uh, seems like they're fine.
I mean, you know, my mom sounded weird.
And my dad was basically wearing a wetsuit.
And that can't be good.
Just-- I always thought they were like the perfect couple.
You know, what's going on? I don't know.
But, Whit, help me.
I mean, you know, you've been through this.
I just-- Are they gonna get divorced? I mean, this is bad, right? No.
This is not bad.
Okay? I have seen bad, and this is not it.
I know it sucks, but just-- I think the best thing to do is just stay out of it.
And the worst thing to do is to kidnap yourself and to find out how much your parents think you're worth.
What if my parents can't work it out? They're gonna work it out, okay? That's what they're doing.
They're working it out.
I don't know.
What if my dad goes to the grocery store and meets Diane Lane and leaves my mom? You always think Robin Wright Penn is Diane Lane.
All right, which one is John Travolta's wife? You know, it doesn't matter.
I just--I want them to be okay again, you know.
I know.
I know.
So weird when you realize that your parents are human.
Well, look.
I'm--I'm sorry that I always compare us to them.
That's not cool, and I mean, I don't want their relationship.
I want ours.
For some reason.
Okay.
Well, let's just-- let's just keep doing our own thing no matter how insane people think we are.
Well, I mean, people think you're insane.
Okay.
You know, I mean, it wouldn't be so bad to look to your parents for inspiration - every now and then.
- Yeah.
I mean, I would kill to be taking a break from you in 30 years.
Aw.
And I would kill to have our kids worried that we might get a divorce.
Oh, they will be.
- Hey, thanks.
- For what? You know, for walking me through this.
This is the first time ever, really, that your terrible childhood has benefited me at all.
Oh, that and your low self-esteem in bed.
Okay.
That's really fun.
Mark! What are you doing? UhI was just, uh, looking at your garbage disposal.
Why? Alex already fixed it.
Well, I--I was having trouble with mine, and I wanted to see how you fixed yours.
Oh, well, why don't I just come down and fix yours? Perfect.
Uh, great.
Well, let me get out of these clothes, change, and, uh be down in a minute.
And now I have to go downstairs and break my garbage disposal.
- Hey.
You're still up.
What have you been doing? Wow.
You look like a foreign flag to a country no one wants to visit.
You're the one that made me go to an '80s party alone.
Hey, you said I didn't have to go.
I know, but it would've been so easy for you.
All you gotta do is put on a little less mascara.
You could have went as Pat Benatar.
Yeah, but you had fun, right? Kind of.
When you're not with me, people think that we're having problems.
That doesn't make any sense.
It's when we're together that we have problems.
Yeah, people think it's weird, though, you know, when they see me at parties without you.
People see us together all the time.
I went with you to that thing last year.
The funeral? I just don't like going out on the weekends.
You know, I feel like weekends are for resting, not for getting more tired.
I know.
It's just frustrating.
I mean, there are some things I can't get you to do with me.
Like what? Well Okay.
Besides that? We--you know, we never went on a honeymoon.
Okay, but we were working on it, and we were deciding where to go, but then we started watching Breaking Bad, and all of a sudden, nothing else mattered.
Well, so let's do it.
Let's go on a real honeymoon.
Okay.
Okay, um, I know.
Why don't we stay in all weekend and watch the prequel to Breaking Bad? - Malcolm in the Middle? - Yes.
Well, I don't know.
Let's go someplace cool, like Las Vegas.
Vegas? Am I not spending your money fast enough in Chicago? All right, well, how about we go to my parents' lake house, huh? It's cold and gloomy and totally isolated this time of year.
Hmm.
I'm listening.
Come on, it'll be fun.
It'll be good luck too.
My parents spent their honeymoon there, and they're like The perfect couple.
Okay.
Let's do it.
We're going on a honeymoon.
Yeah.
All right.
Hey, we're gonna have a lot of alone time, so you better bring extra birth control pills.
Okay, so you just have no idea how that works.
- Just none.
- I don't know.
You got, like, 30 at a time.
By the way, this outfit is birth control.
Look at you, going on a honeymoon.
Man, you are living the dream.
My dream.
Yeah, and at a lake house.
That sounds fun.
Well, fun-adjacent.
Okay, Lily, enjoy my place for the weekend.
I'm sure it's gonna be a nice change from Roxanne's couch.
Yeah, it is gonna be nice to sleep on something that doesn't have buttons.
- Oh.
Perfect timing.
- Hey, Mark.
- Hi.
- Hi.
All right, what do I need to fix? Here's everything, but don't forget to fix the bedroom doorknob.
What happened to your bedroom doorknob? Alex fixed it.
Every time Alex tries to fix something, he makes it worse.
So Whitney secretly has me come over and refix it.
Why don't you just tell Alex he can't fix stuff and have a handyman come? And that is why you are alone.
All right, I'm off.
- I've got a honey to moon.
- Bye.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Too late.
We already did that this morning.
Bye.
What? They write their names on their yogurts.
It's a little weird.
No, what's weird is they don't eat Greek yogurt.
Oh, I know.
I love Greek yogurt.
Yeah.
Mark, what are you doing? I don't know.
We started connecting, and my drill went off.
Hey, honey, I'm really looking forward to our awesome honeymoon.
Why are you yelling? Because if they know we're going on our honeymoon, sometimes they'll give us free things like chocolate or champagne, or they might even upgrade us to first-- We're on our honeymoon! Till death do us part! Here.
I'm here, you're there.
- Oh.
Excuse me.
- Hi.
We are a couple, and we accidentally booked two window seats.
Would you mind switching with us so that we can sit together? Oh, we're a couple too, and we don't want to sit together.
So sorry about that.
Okay.
We--we really are a couple.
We just-- we both like aisle seats, so-- No, it's cool.
Um, you know, neither of us like to sit in the window seat, so we just do this, so we don't get resentful.
It's just--it's only a two-hour flight, so Oh, totally get it.
You guys may end up sitting together anyway, 'cause we're probably gonna be upgraded 'cause we're on our - Honeymoon! - Honeymoon! Oh, when did you guys get married? Yes and no.
We actually got tattoos instead.
You probably saw mine while I was getting searched at security.
Aah! - Are you okay? - Dude, are you all right? Okay, he's fine, and you know that.
- What happened? - My wife touched me.
Wife.
See? Told you.
So? What do you think? Oh, my God, it's beautiful.
Psst.
Let's do it.
Wait.
Can people see us? Nope.
Nobody's around for miles.
Oh.
You mean--okay.
Wait, like, nobody at all? It's kind of creeping me out.
All right, okay.
We'll--we'll kiss first.
Okay.
Okay, no.
But it's just this place is kind of reminding me of the house in Lake Blood.
I've never seen it.
I watched it three times, and to this day, I hate being murdered.
Whit, it's okay.
I'm not gonna let anything happen to you.
That's exactly what the lake said to the kid.
What? What? Is the lake behind me? No.
Somebody left the window open.
It's a great way to let bats in.
Bats? You mean baby vampires? Okay, between the bats and the murderers, I'm gonna leave here with no blood.
Whit, relax.
Nobody wants your blood.
It's full of splenda and antidepressants.
But you should be extra careful, though, because in horror movies, sluts always die first.
Romantic.
That's really romantic.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God, he's here! - Who? - The lake.
Where's the panic room? Wherever you are.
Aah! Oh, my gosh, we're gonna die! Do you remember my brief bisexual phase? It wasn't brief, and it wasn't that bi.
That when it snows my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen - Dad? - Baby I compare you to a kiss from a rose - on the gray - Dad! Aah! Thank God I wasn't singing Sade.
That would have been embarrassing.
It's good to see you, guys.
So good to see you, Wayne.
- Call me "Dad.
" - It's just so negative.
What are you guys doing up here? Oh, well, we never had an official honeymoon, so we decided to come up here for a few days.
Your honeymoon? Oh, my goodness.
Let me get out of your hair.
I'll just get my catfish out of the tub.
- No.
- No, no.
It's okay, dad.
Where's--where's mom? Oh, she--she stayed home, yeah.
She had a thing.
But we haven't been up for a while, so I just drove up for the night to keep things working, turn some stuff on, you know.
A house is like a living thing.
This house is alive? Dad, what are you wearing? It's my new thing.
It's called under armour.
It wicks away sweat, so you never have to wash it.
See what happens to him when mom is not around? Ah, come on.
Don't listen to him.
I wear the pants in the family, which, by the way, also become shorts.
Um, why don't you guys make yourself comfortable? Are you hungry? I can unwrap some cheese and nuke up some bread.
Come on, sit down.
Uh, you know, don't worry about it, dad.
Just relax.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You almost sat on my nest.
Where'd you get that? Well, there are these two Robins that lived out in that pine by the tool shed.
And, I don't know, one day the singing turned into pecking.
Pecking, pecking, pecking.
Until today, I just found this nest on the ground abandoned.
You guys want some tea? Um, honey, do you want to go get the luggage? Aw, I thought we were gonna have some tea.
Um, you know, our honeymoon tools are in there.
Uh, be right back.
Wayne, are you okay? I'm fine.
Why? Um--oh.
That's a lot of beer for just one night.
I always bring a little extra beer.
For the ducks.
All right, I gotta be honest with you.
The beer's not for the ducks.
I've been up here a week by myself.
Madeline doesn't have a thing.
It's just that she's like-- Ah, it's your honeymoon.
I don't want to bother you about this.
No, no, no.
You can talk to me about this.
Okay, just tell me what happened.
Did she find out you have a secret family? Did she cheat with a realtor? Because if you're not careful, this kind of stuff can lead to some serious problems.
Oh, that's right.
You're a mess.
You understand.
Oh, my God, you guys.
They share an underwear drawer.
That's not that weird.
Uh, no, no, no.
There is a drawer next to the underwear drawer that's empty.
Yeah.
Yeah, that underwear drawer thing, it's not the weirdest part.
The weirdest part is the knob on the empty one keeps breaking.
What does it mean? I mean, I just cannot figure them out.
Relationship-wise, they've completely gone rogue.
I mean, they lie about fixing things, they label their yogurts, and the worst part is they're happy.
And I'm single.
And who puts pillows on the floor? Psychos.
You think that's weird? Alex keeps his porn on Whitney's computer.
What? - I still like magazines.
- Oh, me too.
- Yeah, me too.
- No, no.
I'm not touching that hand.
Madeline and I-- I don't know.
It's just that I-- You know? Sometimes, I don't want to sleep with a hundred tiny pillows in a room that's 78 degrees, you know? Plus, her breathing in and out and in and out.
Okay.
Well, you know, it's okay to need some space sometimes.
Yeah, I mean, you know, I got things to do too, you know.
I mean I gave up everything when we got married-- cigars, scotch, Judaism.
Well, just 'cause you're married doesn't mean you have to give up who you are.
That's what I just said to the nest.
I don't know.
We'll work things out.
You know, I mean, we can't sell the house.
Not in this market.
Well, you know, for what it's worth, you and Madeline are like the best couple I've ever seen.
Oh, thanks.
Kind of nice that we can have this, you know, open and honest relationship.
Just don't tell Alex about this, okay? Oh we don't talk much.
Come on.
You're gonna be fine.
Aw, thanks, kid.
Oh, uh, you know, just 'cause you don't have to wash that shirt, doesn't mean you shouldn't.
Whitney, come on.
It's our honeymoon.
I want to break off a piece of my beautiful corpse bride.
I can't believe you blew up the bathroom.
On our honeymoon.
Well, whatever.
It's our first night together.
I was nervous.
Come on.
- Be romantic.
- Oh.
- Okay.
All right.
- Okay.
Yeah.
What happened to your edible underwear? Oh, I ate them on the plane.
Come on, get in here.
But the piña colada has gone way downhill.
Yeah, okay.
You're gonna have to stop talking.
Oh, so your dad doesn't hear us? No, just in general.
My power, my pleasure, my pain baby Why isn't he in bed? I don't know.
This is kind of weird with him here.
Should we just wait till we get home? No, no, no.
Just be quiet.
And then, when the moment comes, I'll jam a pillow in your mouth.
I am so sick of that.
I'll be quiet.
I promise.
Okay.
- Oh, God! - You kids okay in there? - Coming in.
- No, no, no! Obviously, obviously, don't come in here, dad.
Oh, right, right, right.
I'm pushing for a girl.
Night, guys.
Ah.
- You know-- - Me neither.
Yeah, this-- this just kind of feels like a family weekend.
Uh, I'm gonna call my mom, and I'll invite her up.
Take me.
Tear off a piece.
Tap that.
Okay.
I'm gonna walk away from the door now.
All right, Whit.
Come on, here.
Just give me the phone.
I'll call my mom.
It'll be fun.
Please don't.
What, you don't want my mom up here? Are you afraid she's gonna make you eat carbs? No, I just-- I kind of got the vibe that your parents would be cool not seeing each other this weekend.
Ooh.
Wow.
You know, of course.
Of course you're gonna do this.
- What? - This.
You always spin everything into a dark place.
My parents are fine.
You just don't know what a healthy family looks like.
Yes, I do.
I watch commercials.
Whit, seriously.
Do not project your damage onto us.
My parents are happy.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- Okay, so just stop.
- I've stopped.
- I've stopped.
- All right.
Come on, don't go to bed.
It's our honeymoon.
You know what? I'm gonna go downstairs.
I'm gonna get some of that champagne.
Okay? You just stay right here.
Ahh.
I'll be right back.
Lover.
You guys, all of the prescription bottles in their medicine cabinet are made out to a Gloria Lecroix.
Who's that? I don't know, but I'm really worried about her.
She's clinically depressed, she has A.
D.
D.
, and a thyroid problem.
And they have her pills.
Well, don't look at me.
I don't know how to help people.
Besides, I'm still trying to figure out why they TiVo the weather channel.
Well, this doorknob is fixed.
You on the other hand, are gonna take a little longer.
- Mark.
- I'm sorry.
You look like Claire Danes right now.
All right.
I know what I need to do.
I'm gonna go in there, and I'm gonna get those prescription bottles, and then I am gonna put the pills in my mouth.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Please don't overdose.
If you're not famous, it's just sad.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How was your honeymoon? Well, we hung out with his dad, we got in a fight, and we didn't have sex.
So we are officially married.
Ha.
- Right.
- How was your weekend? It was great.
Realized I'm clearly not qualified to be in a healthy relationship.
Too normal.
So you went through our stuff? - Love you.
- Hey.
Oh, hey.
What'd your mom say? Uh, she said the same thing that my dad did.
That she stayed home because she had an appointment.
Sotold you.
Nothing's wrong.
Cool.
God, I'm good.
It's your save-the-date photo.
Alex? What are you doing? Nothing.
Was I grinding your teeth? Everything's not okay with my parents, is it? Uh, seems like they're fine.
I mean, you know, my mom sounded weird.
And my dad was basically wearing a wetsuit.
And that can't be good.
Just-- I always thought they were like the perfect couple.
You know, what's going on? I don't know.
But, Whit, help me.
I mean, you know, you've been through this.
I just-- Are they gonna get divorced? I mean, this is bad, right? No.
This is not bad.
Okay? I have seen bad, and this is not it.
I know it sucks, but just-- I think the best thing to do is just stay out of it.
And the worst thing to do is to kidnap yourself and to find out how much your parents think you're worth.
What if my parents can't work it out? They're gonna work it out, okay? That's what they're doing.
They're working it out.
I don't know.
What if my dad goes to the grocery store and meets Diane Lane and leaves my mom? You always think Robin Wright Penn is Diane Lane.
All right, which one is John Travolta's wife? You know, it doesn't matter.
I just--I want them to be okay again, you know.
I know.
I know.
So weird when you realize that your parents are human.
Well, look.
I'm--I'm sorry that I always compare us to them.
That's not cool, and I mean, I don't want their relationship.
I want ours.
For some reason.
Okay.
Well, let's just-- let's just keep doing our own thing no matter how insane people think we are.
Well, I mean, people think you're insane.
Okay.
You know, I mean, it wouldn't be so bad to look to your parents for inspiration - every now and then.
- Yeah.
I mean, I would kill to be taking a break from you in 30 years.
Aw.
And I would kill to have our kids worried that we might get a divorce.
Oh, they will be.
- Hey, thanks.
- For what? You know, for walking me through this.
This is the first time ever, really, that your terrible childhood has benefited me at all.
Oh, that and your low self-esteem in bed.
Okay.
That's really fun.
Mark! What are you doing? UhI was just, uh, looking at your garbage disposal.
Why? Alex already fixed it.
Well, I--I was having trouble with mine, and I wanted to see how you fixed yours.
Oh, well, why don't I just come down and fix yours? Perfect.
Uh, great.
Well, let me get out of these clothes, change, and, uh be down in a minute.
And now I have to go downstairs and break my garbage disposal.