Who's the Boss? (1984) s01e02 Episode Script

Tony, may I see you for a minute? You rang, madam? Yes, Tony.
Ever since you've been here, everything is spotless and immaculate.
Dirt is my enemy.
Well, I'm glad to hear that because the enemy has landed in my bedroom.
Oh, you know, I don't wanna Shall we have a look? Yeah.
Why not, I guess.
Hey, this is nice.
Really nice.
That proves you've never been in here before.
I know.
This is your private chamber.
You are the housekeeper, and this is part of the house.
Now, the private chamber may be mine, but the dust is yours.
I'm sorry.
You want me to come in here and clean, I will.
- I want you to.
I want you to.
- Okay.
And, Tony, same thing goes for my bathroom.
Oh, wait, a bathroom? Don't you have things in there that are too personaI to mention you know, like, I don't know, false eyelashes? I'll tell you what.
If you find anything too personaI to mention just clean it and don't mention it.
Come on.
I'm not going in the bathroom.
Well, this is it the land the Tidy BowI forgot.
Gee, what a great tub, eh? I mean, a walrus could bathe in there.
Oh, no offence.
- Looks like one has.
No offence.
- Hey, it's done.
Forget it.
Hey, headphones, huh? Yeah, when I take a bath, I love to listen to classicaI music.
That's interesting.
Bathing with Beethoven.
You know, you're really lucky.
I only have a shower.
And sometimes, I love to take bubbles baths.
Really? You, in a bubble bath? I always pictured you in the shower.
I mean if I pictured you, I would picture your type in the shower.
I get the picture.
- Now let's talk laundry.
- Oh, wait a minute.
Laundry? Don't you have your dainties in there? I am the president of the 12th largest advertising agency in the country.
They expect me to wear clean underwear.
Okay, coach, what do I do? Well, most of this stuff you can just throw in the machine but these, these silk things and, these stockings, you'll have to wash those by hand.
You don't really want me to wash your skivvies, do you? Tony, this is all part of the job.
If I were working for you, I'd wash your whatevers.
My whatevers ain't pink.
All right, why don't you show me where to put these little suckers after I finish washing them.
Come with me.
Well these go in this drawer.
- And these go in this drawer.
- I see.
And these go in this drawer.
Now I think you'd better take me to the train.
Hold it.
You know you got this laid out all wrong, don't you? What's the first thing you put on when you get dressed? I beg your pardon? Since you invited me in here, I figure I'll streamline the place a little bit.
Well, if you must know, the first thing that I put on are my underpants.
And then what? And then my bra, and then my pantyhose.
That's what I thought.
You're doing this all wrong.
You're wasting valuable time.
Look.
First, you gotta come over here to put on your panties then you gotta come over here to put on your bra and then you've gotta chug way back over here to put on your pantyhose.
What were you before you came here, a female impersonator? Can't you see you're wasting 15 seconds of your life every morning? I want this place to run like a well-oiled machine.
If you had it your way, I'd be getting dressed on a conveyor belt.
Not a bad idea.
No, no, no, Jonathan.
First, you put on your jacket, then you put on your gloves.
That's not how my mother does it.
All right, gang.
Keep your eyes open for that schooI bus.
I'll be back in six minutes.
That's all right, Sam.
I'll finish that.
Have a good day at schooI.
Bye, Mrs.
Bower.
Well, do you remember our multiplication tables? - What is six times eight? - Sixty-four.
No, no, sweetheart.
Six times eight is 48.
You keep repeating that to the bus driver.
He's the one who told me it was 64.
I'm sure he meant well.
I love you.
Don't forget, we're going to the parents' meeting tonight.
I won't forget, sweetheart.
Bye-bye.
Parents' meeting? You didn't tell me about any parents' meeting.
- I brought home the notice.
- You never showed it to me.
Well, I can't think of everything.
Jonathan, come here.
Sweetheart there's a very important board meeting tonight and mommy is the president.
And And so I have to be there.
See, it's like if you had a birthday party, you'd have to be there.
I'm sorry, but I won't be able to be there tonight.
Do you understand? Okay, I understand.
Are you sure? Well, thank you, sweetheart.
Thanks.
I'll be the only kid whose mother doesn't care.
Hey, Mona, last of the red-hot co-eds.
Watch out.
Well, you know what they say.
It's never too late to matriculate.
Hey.
- Thanks for fixing my lunch.
- Yeah.
You got it, baby.
- I take care of all my schooI kids.
- I know.
Oh, it is such a joy immersing myself in academia.
I spent hours in the library re-reading my notes on Freud.
What a brilliant mind.
He saw filth in everything.
So do I.
Well, I'm going to go have an after-schooI snack.
All that talk about fruitcakes and nuts made me hungry.
- Hi.
- Hi right back.
I hate to bother you, but my car broke down.
Could I use your phone to call the auto club? Yeah, sure.
Come on.
It's right over here.
I really appreciate it.
What a pretty place.
Did your wife do this herself? Oh, no, no, no.
I'm not married.
I just work here.
I see.
Yeah, the phone- The phone is over there.
Oh, excuse me.
I'll just get this out of the way.
I got a pot of coffee going.
You want a cup? No thanks.
I'm fine.
That's for sure.
Do you happen to be Italian? Yeah.
How'd you know? - Takes one to know one.
- You're Italian too? Yeah.
Right down to my Fettuccini Alfredo.
I happen to know this terrific Italian restaurant.
Are you free tonight? - You don't waste any- - Pick you up at 6:00.
- time, do you? Hey, by the way, I'm Tony.
I'm Cindy.
It's nice to meet you.
Yeah.
Hey, where're you going? What about the auto club? Oh, well, that was just a little white lie so we could get acquainted.
Yeah? Worked great.
Yeah, it did, didn't it? Gee, I love when they come to your door.
Hey, Tony.
- Tony, where's the carrot juice? - We're out of it.
Professor Morrell.
How nice to see you outside of class.
Professor? Mona.
It's nice to see you.
Do you live here? No, no.
My daughter does.
Tony's my housekeeper-in-law.
- You work for Mona's daughter? - Yeah, you know.
She brings home the bacon and I fry it.
That's nice.
Well, looking forward, Tony.
See you in class, Mona.
How do you like that? A professor.
The closest I ever came to a professor was when I changed buses at Brooklyn College.
And she's not just a professor, she's a Fellow of ClinicaI Psychology.
I'm dating a Fellow? Hey, wait you have a date with my professor? - Well, yeah.
- Well, she is just about to grade my mid-term exam.
Put a smile on her face, Tony.
I feeI an A coming on, Mona.
Now, look I want a good grade, but don't hurt yourself.
Oh, wait a minute.
Angela's working.
I'm supposed to sit with the kids.
No problem.
I'll cover for you.
I'll scratch your back, you scratch hers.
I love you.
- Hi, Dad.
- Oh, hey.
Look who's home.
Hey, give me that box.
Ho, give me a kiss.
- How was schooI? - Great.
Fabulous.
I struck out five and I walked one.
That's great, but what about class? Oh.
I won the baseball pooI.
See you.
How about you, champ? How was your day? Chris Peterson kept picking on me.
Yeah? Well, why don't you pick back? - She's tougher than I am.
- Oh.
That looks awfuI.
How can you drink that stuff? I can't.
It's for you, for your big date.
It's a high potency drink.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
To give you energy and stamina.
It's got protein powder, and some raw eggs and 800 units of Vitamin E.
Here, drink up.
Why didn't you just throw an oyster in it? I did.
Here I am, Jonathan.
Hi, Mom.
- Aren't you surprised to see me? - No.
You live here.
Sweetheart I cancelled the board meeting, and I cancelled all my dinner plans just so that you and I could go to parents' night together.
Wasn't that nice of me? I guess so, but I made a mistake.
Parents' night is next week.
Jonathan, I'm going to sell you to the gypsies.
Wow, I like gypsies.
I will not be upset.
I will not explode.
I will go upstairs and drown myself in a hot tub.
Tell Tony I'm home for dinner.
Right, Mom.
I think I'll go up and catch a nice hot shower.
You know, wouldn't a nice hot bath be nice right about now? Well, why don't you take one? You know why.
I mean, the only tub is in Angela's bathroom.
Well, what difference does it make? She won't be home for hours.
Go on.
You know, a hot date deserves a hot bath.
I like this woman.
- You really think she won't mind? - No.
I'll talk to her about it later.
Mona, I love you.
You're the greatest.
I know.
Holy smoke! Hey, look.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm- Okay, okay, okay, you're sorry, you're sorry.
- Look, I didn't see anything.
- You saw everything.
- I've got a lousy memory.
- Oh, sure.
I was looking at your headset.
Oh, I'll just bet you were.
By the way, what were you doing coming into my bathroom with your robe and your soap and your rub-a-dub-dub brush? Well, I was gonna sort of take a bath.
Sort of take a bath? Gee, I don't have a tub.
AII I have is a shower.
Aw, poor baby.
And where in the Constitution does it guarantee life, liberty, and the pursuit of a bubble bath? I didn't know you were in there.
Why didn't you lock the door? Because I'm not used to having people wander into my bathroom.
You're the one who told me to come on in there.
"You're the housekeeper.
This is part of the house.
" Oh.
Are you in the habit of cleaning in your bathrobe? So I wasn't cleaning.
But I might have been cleaning and if I was cleaning I still would've seen what I saw when I wasn't cleaning.
- What? - Why didn't you tell me - you were coming home early? - Is this a new rule around here? I don't even have enough dinner.
I'm one game hen short.
I'll shorten your game hen.
This was an accident.
Why can't we pretend it never happened? Well, that's easy for you to say.
You're the person who did the ogling.
I'm the person who got ogled.
Yeah, but, look, nobody knows.
It's just our little secret.
Oh, Angela, so what's the big deaI? So Tony saw your bare buns.
Oh, wonderfuI, Mother.
WonderfuI.
Now, why don't we just tell everyone in Connecticut? "Tony saw Angela naked.
" "Tony saw Angela naked.
" "Tony saw Angela naked.
" You must be Angela.
Hello.
Who are you? What are you doing at my door? I'm Cindy Morrell.
I came to pick up Tony.
This is my date.
Won't you come in? Won't you come in? Will we be keeping our clothes on? Talk to Mona.
I'll be a minute.
Tony, what is going on here? I feeI like I'm losing controI.
I can't come home early, or take a bath I can't even yell out my front door.
- Me and my date'll get out of your hair.
- What is this thing all about a date? What, I can't have a sociaI life? I mean, why, because I saw you naked, I'm grounded? You are supposed to sit with the kids tonight.
I know, but your mother said she'd cover.
- My mother? - Yeah.
Your mother.
My mother? Who's the boss around here? Me or my mother? Or maybe it's you.
You've gotta excuse us.
We're just having a little pow-wow.
Yes, just settling a little private household matter.
You mean the one you were shouting out the front door? - Could we just drop the whole thing? - No.
That is avoidance.
You see, you have to nip these things in the bud or else they'll fester, like a big, ugly boiI that you have to prick with a pin.
- Lovely, Mother, lovely.
- Oh, thank you, Angela.
And what would you do in a situation like this, professor? I'd go to dinner.
- You're a professor? Of what? - I have my PhD in ClinicaI Psychology.
She's no dummy.
Mona, maybe some time you could stage a little psycho drama and help these two work through their problems.
You are going to love psycho drama.
It's like dinner theater for whackos.
Here, now, this is what we're going to do Mona, Mona, I didn't mean right now.
Tony, we do have reservations.
So do I.
Lots of them.
Angela, Angela, this is just going to take a minute.
See, now, you feeI foolish and violated because of what happened, see and Tony, Tony feels embarrassed and guilty.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Right.
- I would like to get off the hook here.
- Oh, I'll bet you would.
Oh, good.
I'm going to be the director.
- All right, professor? - All right, Mona, but hurry.
All right.
Now, Angela, let's say that you walked in on Tony.
- But I didn't, Mother.
- Well, let's say you did.
Tony, you are in the bathtub taking a nice bath - so why don't you do that for us? - Oh, Mother, this is just ridiculous.
No, Angela.
Get with the game.
All right, now, Tony, make it reaI.
What do you do when you're taking a bath, huh? Are you enjoying it? Yeah, I'm really into this.
My fingers are starting to wrinkle here.
Good.
Now the bath is over.
Mona, I just got in the tub.
Get out of the bath and start drying off, huh? All right.
Now, Angela here you are approaching the door, you see.
You have no idea what's on the other side.
Okay, start your move.
No, I don't know.
I feeI silly.
Come on.
See, this is the moment of truth.
This is the bathroom door.
Now, you are going to open the door and walk in.
Go get him.
Hey! What are you laughing at? I can see through your toweI.
Why don't you knock? Well, why don't you lock the door? Because I don't have the key.
Oh, yeah? Here.
Gotcha! - You did that on purpose, Angela.
- Cut.
That's it.
Now, don't you feeI better, Angela? No.
- Tony? - I feeI used and cheap.
I don't understand this.
Don't be discouraged, Mona.
When you're dealing with a repressed personality like this, it takes time.
Shall we go, Tony? Repressed personality? She was speaking clinically.
I see.
Well, speaking clinically how would you feeI if Tony walked in on you? - It wouldn't bother me in the least.
- Yeah? Come on.
It would bother anyone with a sense of modesty.
I wonder if we're talking about modesty here or subconscious exhibitionism.
We do tend to write our own little scripts.
Are you saying that I wanted him to see me? Well, you did broadcast it to half of Connecticut: "Tony saw me naked.
" I bet that really got your juices going.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
That's a little rough, huh? Let's go, Tony.
- You coming? - Maybe you'd better go by yourself.
Oh, I get it.
She's your boss.
Yeah, she's my boss, but she's also good people.
I'm really sorry you feeI that way, Tony.
- You don't know what you're missing.
- It's a chance I'll have to take.
I guess I can kiss my A goodbye.
I'm sorry if I ruined your evening, Tony.
You miss one gorgeous professor.
Another one will be by any minute.
I'll tell you what, we need some management labour negotiations.
You can definitely use the tub when I am definitely not in it.
And I will definitely knock before I come in.
If I'm gonna come home unexpectedly for dinner, I'll definitely call.
I'll keep something in the freezer, just for you, in case you forget.
And one other thing, about my underwear.
Angela - The speciaI handwashed stuff.
- Yeah, I know.
I'll do it myself.
- DeaI? - Definitely deaI.
Oh, yeah.
My faith in psychology was never shaken for a single minute.
I knew this would work out.
- You really shrunk us good, didn't you? - I did, didn't I? This is a wonderfuI moment.
It's the first time I feeI like we're a reaI family.
- A family? - Yeah.
After all, we're the only three people in the world that know about your mole.