Who's the Boss? (1984) s01e05 Episode Script

Come on, ref.
Come on.
What? Are you blind? The guy's got a hockey stick coming out his ear.
Hold him and hit him.
Hold him.
Grab the guy and hit him.
That's it.
Come on, baby.
- Tony, what are you doing? - I'm ironing.
You want pleats in this? They're jumping all over that guy.
Isn't that illegaI? Angela, that's a beer commerciaI.
- Would you like a cheese sandwich? - Yeah, thanks.
- Would you like it grilled? - Don't go to any trouble.
No trouble.
- There you go.
- At least it isn't wrinkled.
Okay, okay.
Now, don't anybody get excited.
I think the kid's gonna be all right.
- What kid? - What happened? Who's hurt? Now, don't panic.
Don't panic.
I don't even think there's gonna be a scar.
A scar? Oh, my God! There you go, Angela.
You see? You panicked.
- Sam, what happened? - Don't worry, Dad, I decked him.
Fighting? You said you were gonna be more carefuI.
I am being carefuI.
I'm not dripping blood on the floor.
- Me too, Tony.
- You too? - You were fighting too? - Yeah.
That's how I got wounded.
Oh, my poor baby.
Where? There.
No, there.
Do you think I need stitches? No, I think a Band-Aid will take care of that, champ.
It'll be a big Band-Aid.
And maybe two.
And if that don't work, it's time for an elbow transplant.
I don't think that's funny.
- I'm just entertaining the troops.
- I don't really know what happened.
I mean, first they were playing, then they were bleeding.
I mean, I tried to stop it.
Hey, Tony, could you take a look at that too? You too, Mona? Yeah, that Welling kid's tough.
Richard Welling? He's such a nice-looking boy.
Not anymore.
What-? What-? What am I gonna tell his mother? Well, what about? Jonathan, how did this happen? You've never been in a fight before in your life.
I had to, Mom.
Sam and Grandma needed me.
Attaboy, Tiger.
I mean, it's good they're sticking up for one another.
"All for one, one for all.
" There is never any reason to resort to physicaI violence.
- She has a point.
Listen to her, Sam.
- But, Dad he called you a sissy housekeeper.
And then there's times, you know, you gotta draw the line.
You should have seen it.
We gave him the old one-two, just like you taught us.
I love the way the kid throws - You've been teaching them to fight? - Well, I taught them a few things.
A little self-defence.
I also told them, you never fight unless you have to.
- We had to.
- They had to.
It was for a good cause.
Me.
Tony, a 12-year-old boy calling you names is not a good cause.
- PearI Harbor, that was a good cause.
- Hey, look, Angela, I'm with you.
You don't look for fights, but sometimes you can't run away either.
You don't run away.
You walk away.
- Oh, brother.
- CooI it, Sam.
Samantha, you don't go around slugging people.
- Now, did you try talking to him? - Oh, yeah, I talked to him.
I told him his mother was a cow.
- You're cruising, kid.
- So, what was I supposed to do? - Stand there and take it? - Sam, it's very simple.
You just remove yourself from the situation.
You get some space.
You give him some space.
I'll give him some space - right between his teeth.
- Samantha.
Well, that's not the way I'm raising my son.
- What kind of chicken farm is this? - Hey.
Hey, that's it, young lady.
Outside.
Time for some one-on-one.
Let's go.
Come on, now.
Let's play.
Sam, what's with you? I don't like you talking that way to Mrs.
Bower either.
I can't help it, Dad.
She's starting to bug me.
"Walk away.
Get controI.
Just remove yourself from the problem.
" I'll just snap open my little Mary Poppins umbrella - and fly off to goody-goody land.
- Come on, Sam.
She doesn't wanna see you fight.
Neither do I.
Whose side are you on? Hey, hey, I'm always on your side, but she's got a point.
What do we need her for anyway? - We were doing fine back in New York.
- Oh, yeah, we were doing great.
I had to take you to schooI in a Sherman tank.
You kidding? That's why we moved.
So, what was I supposed to do? I got mad.
Don't people get mad in Connecticut? Yeah, they get mad in Connecticut.
But they do it differently.
- Like how? - I don't know.
I think they kick their Cadillacs.
And they smile a lot.
Come on, honey.
I know it's a new neighbourhood and it's new rules, but you gotta try.
- No more fighting, okay? - Okay, okay.
But it's other stuff too.
I mean, she thinks you can watch basketball without yelling.
I know.
I'm working on that one.
She just doesn't understand.
I mean, you can't yell, you can't fight.
- What are you supposed to do for fun? - Come on, Sam.
You can have fun.
- Just keep a lid on it.
- I don't have to keep a lid on for her.
She's not my mother.
You are.
And don't you forget it.
Come on, come on.
We're trying to get along here, huh? - Come on, you wanna take it out? - I don't feeI like playing.
Jonathan wants to take boxing lessons.
Sure, no problem.
Are you kidding me? Forget it.
- I'll teach him chess or Parcheesi.
- Thank you.
- Hey, Angela.
- Yeah? Listen, I was talking to Sam, and she's having some problems.
It's tough to adjust to a new neighbourhood.
- Yeah, and new people too, you know.
- Kids can be rough.
Well, kids aren't the problem.
What is? Well, it's kind of that Samantha thinks that Angela, maybe we could loosen up here a little bit, huh? - We? - One of we.
- Me? - That's the one.
You think I'm the problem? - I don't think " problem" is the word- - I'll tell you the problem is.
You and your boxing lessons and your hockey games and your macho beer commercials.
Look, Angela, I talked to Sam, and she's gonna try to watch the fighting.
But here's the thing.
Did I ever tell you how terrific you are and how happy I am with this job? I feeI a " but" coming on.
No, no, no.
No buts.
However Let me start by saying that it's not your fault.
I mean, you just haven't had our disadvantages.
What's that supposed to mean? Where we come from it's wall-to-wall people.
I mean, you just don't "get some space and get controI.
" You get mad, you yell, and you throw things.
I know, Tony.
I've seen West Side Story.
And now you're on my turf.
Yeah, I know.
And Sam will try to adjust, but give her some time.
And try not be so- So- - So, what? - Inflexible? Inflexible? I am not inflexible.
I have never been inflexible.
If there's one thing I cannot tolerate, it's inflexibility.
- What are you doing? - Making bees fight.
Let me know who wins.
- What's that? - Just a note to my dad.
I'm cutting out for a while.
Where are you going? - Do you have to know everything? - Yes.
I'm going to a place where it's okay to stick up for people.
My old neighbourhood.
That's where muggers live.
What do you know about it.
It's a great place.
There's always kids around to play games with like stickball or street hockey.
Did you ever fling a rat? I don't think so.
You get a good dead rat you tie a string to its taiI, then you swing it, and you fling it.
You're lucky.
We don't have rats.
And there's guys sleeping right on the street.
I mean, you could put bugs on them, and they won't even wake up.
I'm telling you, Jonathan, it's the best.
Well, see you.
Wait up, Samantha.
Megafax may sell Naguchi computers.
Well, I'll be darned.
Are these your bees? No, I don't think so.
Good, because it seems like one of them is eating the other.
What? No, Mother.
It looks more like they're friends.
You're right.
I've always heard about the birds and the bees but I've never seen it before.
Do you think we're intruding? I think that I am going to take them outside.
I just saw one of them light up a little cigarette.
- Hey, fish all right for dinner? - Fine.
- Would you like it broiled or poached? - Whatever.
I'm flexible.
Hey, listen.
I'm sorry about mouthing off.
I'm just worried about Sam.
- It's not your fault though.
- Well, it's a little my fault.
I'm a little inflexible.
But from now on, I'm a regular Gumby.
Hey, Angela.
You're terrific.
I'm gonna go poach the fish.
BroiI it.
- What? What? - That's gratitude for you.
I let the little bugger go, and he stung me.
Are you okay? No, dear, I was stung by a bee.
- Sometimes I worry about her.
- Come on upstairs.
There's some first aid cream.
What's this? "To Dad"? - Is there a " Dad" around here? - Let me see that.
What does it say? Well, you'd better let me read it to her.
She can't fire me.
" Dear Dad, don't worry.
I just need a little space and a lot of ravioli.
Your fed-up daughter, Samantha.
" " P.
S.
I went too.
Jonathan L.
Bower.
" Samantha's run away and taken Jonathan.
All right, all right.
It is not the end of the world.
Let's not overreact.
I think I'm hyperventilating.
I got an idea.
- What are you doing? - I'm calling Mrs.
Rossini.
- Who? - My neighbour in the city.
Sam talks ravioli, that's where she's headed.
To New York? They went to New York alone? Two children? Sam knows her way.
Don't worry.
She jumps on the commuter to Grand CentraI, takes the cross-town locaI to 42nd Street she jumps on the F train- Or is it the E train? - Mrs.
Rossini's not there.
I'm going.
- Well, not without me.
Mother, you stay here in case they call or come back.
Loosen up, huh? You think I should loosen up about this? Where do you think she got the advice? "Go get some space.
" Wasn't that you? Hello? What? What? Oh, heavens, are you sure? - What is it? - What is it? You've just won a barbecue.
Oh, hey, mama.
You looking good, baby.
Hey, hey.
Watch your manners, huh, paI? - This is where you lived? - Yeah, right there.
Look at all the kids in the neighbourhood.
Wait a minute.
This belong to you, lady? Oh, thank God.
Jonathan, look at you.
You're a mess.
Mom, my cockroach won the race.
Well, at least he died a winner.
Don't you ever run away like that again.
Hi, Dad.
Hi, Mrs.
Bower.
I'm glad you're okay, man, and I love you.
- But boy, you're in big trouble.
- Yeah, I figured.
I'll give you "you figured".
Give me that baseball glove.
Your baseball days are over for at least a month.
- Tony.
- Hey, Mrs.
Rossini.
You got the kids.
Good.
Don't be too hard on them, Tony.
Remember when you was a kid? You got drunk on altar wine and mooned the Little Sisters of Hope.
You was so cute.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, at least I was home on time for dinner, Mrs.
Rossini.
Hey, and by the way, Mrs.
Rossini, this is my boss, Angela Bower.
Hello.
Very nice to meet you.
- What's that? - Speak up, honey, I can't hear you.
She says you look much younger than she thought.
Yeah? Stay right there.
I'm coming down.
I think she hardly ever comes down.
Dad, when you said " baseball," does that mean softball too? Samantha, how could you run away like that and take Jonathan with you? Hey, I didn't make him come.
I mean, I tried to get rid of him.
Yeah, she tried to push me off the train.
- What? - It wasn't going yet.
- Tony! - Hey, Mrs.
Rossini.
Is that a faccia, eh? Yes, it certainly is.
Do you mind? I never hugged a big shot advertising president before.
You feeI a little thin.
She's not uptight, Samantha.
She's just hungry.
Tonight you'll eat good.
You're staying for ravioli.
- I don't know- - Then it's settled.
You'll stay.
Come on, kids.
You can help me take the plastic off the furniture.
Mrs.
Rossini, we'll be back.
I'm gonna show Angela the neighbourhood.
- I'll yell when dinner's ready.
- And I'm sure we'll hear you.
Boy, it feels great to be back.
Taste that air.
Come on, I'll show you.
Hey, see that? That's where Sam was born.
Yeah, right there.
We lived right over Mrs.
Bonaduce.
The smells from her kitchen on a Sunday morning after Mass- Hey, then we got rich, and we moved to the West Side.
We should've stayed where we were, you know because there we lived next to the Sosnowski twins.
One of them was beating up Sam every day.
I would've straightened it out, but every time I caught him he told me he was his brother.
What did I know.
Maybe he was.
Well, maybe that's why she learned to fight.
Yeah, and tiptoe.
I mean, in this neighbourhood- In this neighbourhood you gotta do what you gotta do.
You've gotta see this.
This is Marty's Melody Room.
This is Brooklyn's answer to the Connecticut Country Club.
It's very exclusive, no Wasps allowed.
But it's okay, you're with me.
Hey, Tommy Pepsi.
Billy Fingers.
Hey, guys, what do you say? - Hey, Joey Mook.
- Hey, what do you say, Tony? - How you doing, man.
- Mr.
Mook.
- So this is where you hung out? - I practically grew up here.
Are you kidding me? Had my first beer here played my first pooI here.
In fact, there's a room in the back where I first got - drunk.
- Right.
- Tony.
- Hey, Theresa.
Working days? " Hey, Theresa.
" That's a greeting? What happened to " Hey, babycakes"? - Not right now.
- Babycakes? So, Tony, who is this? Theresa, meet Angela.
Angela, meet Theresa.
How do you do? Oh, I get it.
You're the one with the white picket fence.
I bet Tony's told you a lot about me, huh? Actually, he's hasn't mentioned you at all.
So how's it going up there? You having any fun? Guess not.
A guy could hurt himself on those pointy hips.
- Pointy hips? - That's it.
- Come on, let's get out of here.
- Oh, no, no.
You promised to buy me a drink.
- Can we order now, miss? - Sure.
Let me guess.
A Pink Lady? That sounds lovely, but I'd much prefer a very dry martini.
Fine.
Would you like your olives plain or you want me to stuff them? - Plain will be fine, thank you.
- I'll have a beer, okay? - Yeah, sure.
- Sit down.
- Gin on the rocks and draw one.
- You got it.
- So Tony's working for you, huh? - That's right.
- What exactly does he do? - Various things.
Yeah? He used to do various things for me too only I didn't have to pay him.
Hey, Theresa, why don't you just go get the drinks.
Lovely girI.
Yeah, well, she's sort of let herself go, you know.
Hey, try some of these.
These are great.
Peanuts, pretzels and Chees-O's.
- What are the little black things? - Don't worry.
They can't eat much.
A martini for the boss and a beer for the house- Let me get that all over your Lord & Taylor.
- Hey, that's enough.
- Hey, I'm just doing my job, all right? - Is he any good with a mop? - Very.
Yeah? I never heard of a man keeping house.
Not a reaI man.
Hey, Theresa, why don't you just put a lid on it.
Look out, guys, the housekeeper's getting steamed.
What you gonna do? Plump my pillows? Come on, Tony.
Show us what you're made of.
Whip out your feather duster.
I think you're right.
I think we'd better go.
Tugboat Annie here obviously is trying to bait us and I just refuse to stoop to her leveI.
- You're so right.
Let's go.
- Don't you wanna finish your drink? Theresa, this is my boss.
Will you take it easy here? Why not.
Please sit down.
What happened to "get controI and find some space"? Hello, Mrs.
Bower.
Hi, kids.
How long have they been here? Long enough.
That Madison Avenue must be some tough neighbourhood.
Kids, I want you to know that what I did here was wrong.
I should have reasoned with her, but instead, I lost controI and I gave into my baser emotions, and- You nailed the little twit right in the chops.
Yeah.
I guess I did, didn't I? - Angela.
- Yeah? - I'm very ashamed of you.
- Yeah? No tennis for about a month, I think.
Mom, maybe you can teach me boxing lessons? Well, I tell you, you're gonna live but you're not gonna need any eye shadow on that side.
I still can't believe it.
My daughter, the bar brawler.
Listen, I've got a landlord who's trying to raise my rent so, what do you say, Bruiser you think you could lean on him a little? I'm glad the two of you are amused but I am discussing a new perfume campaign tomorrow.
- How am I going to explain this? - Hey, I got it.
Tell them you wore some of their junk and had to fight off a bunch of guys.
That's brilliant.
That's why you pay me the big bucks.