Who's the Boss? (1984) s01e09 Episode Script

All right, three seconds left in the game.
Blue, 21.
Hut one, hike! Micelli fades back.
He tries to find a receiver.
Can he find her? Yes! He throws the ball to Micelli.
And it's- - Dropped in the end zone? - Sorry, Dad.
What do you mean sorry? We were on our way to the Super BowI.
I don't feeI like playing anymore.
Come on, I was just kidding.
It wasn't the Super BowI, it was the Rose BowI.
Forget it.
Boy, those wide receivers are so sensitive.
Honey.
Well, that was quick game.
Honey.
Forget about it.
We'll work on it.
We got all next season.
You just gotta tuck the ball into your chest.
But, Dad, it hurts when I catch it like that.
Since when? Come on, it doesn't hurt if you do it right.
I've got homework to do.
How do you like that? Sam would rather do homework than play football.
- You think she's sick? - Maybe you're throwing the ball too hard, Popeye.
Well, I yam what I yam.
No, I'm throwing it the way I always throw it.
Maybe she's losing interest in football.
Sam could punt before she could walk.
- Well, tomboys do grow up, you know.
- And out.
Out.
Oh, you mean And she can't tuck the ball in the way she used to because What is this? What is this? What is it? What? What are you talking about? Well, Tony when girls get to be a certain age, their bodies begin to change- Angela.
Angela.
I know about the birds and the bees.
But the birds and the bees don't wear bras.
Wait a minute.
Are you trying to tell me that Sam needs a bra? - Are you serious? - Cross my heart.
She's just a little girI.
Yes, well, so was Elizabeth Taylor but one day she was National Velvet and the next day she was Cleopatra.
And she will be 12 the day after tomorrow.
All right, look, I'll get her one when the time comes.
I believe the time has come, and I think the stores are open.
- Come on.
- All of her little friends are beginning to wear them, and she even talked to me about it.
You? Why didn't she talk to me? Well, isn't it obvious, dear? She needed a role modeI.
How come she didn't talk to me? I'm her father.
Tony, a girI usually talks to a woman about these things.
I'd be glad to help Sam go shopping.
No, no, no.
That's all right.
No problem.
Hey, I bought her a fishing rod.
I bought her hockey skates.
I'll buy her a bra.
Tony, listen, it's not quite the same thing.
They were ladies' skates.
Don't touch it if you're not going to wear it.
I was- I was- I was just looking for a bra.
- I mean, for my daughter.
- And what size is she? I don't know.
She takes a 5 and a half hockey skate.
I don't know.
She's a 12-year-old girI's size.
I take it this is her first foundation garment? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, right.
Mine too.
I mean, it's the first time I ever bought a- A foundation garment.
I got it.
This is our most popular pre-teen modeI.
This is? Looks like a surgicaI bandage.
Does your daughter need something larger? No.
If you ask me, my daughter doesn't need anything.
Unless you've got something that'll help her catch a football.
This one's very popular with the Green Bay Packers.
Here's a pretty one with a little pink bow.
No, no, no.
It's too fancy.
I don't like that stuff.
But you're not buying it for yourself, are you? You're thinking like a man and you should be thinking like a 12-year-old girI.
I'm having a hard time thinking like a 30-year-old father.
Next time you should bring your daughter with you.
That's what all the other single fathers do.
Tell you what, this one will be fine.
An excellent choice.
It's the one I started out in.
- Would you like a bag? - No, no, no.
- I just want to get out of here.
- Are you sure? I think I will take a bag.
Thank you very much.
It's very nice of you.
See you.
You're doing a great job, sweetheart.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi, Dad.
Long time since we talked, huh? We talked this morning, remember? You asked me how I wanted my eggs - and I said, "over-easy.
" - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was great.
That was great.
I mean "talk" talk.
When people reach a certain age, honey they begin to- They begin to have trouble catching footballs.
Well Well, not all people.
Just girls.
No, women.
Women.
Here.
I knew it.
I knew she didn't want one of those.
I knew it.
Well, no, I wanted one like Marcie's, with the little pink bow in the middle.
- You wanted the pink bow? Why? - Because everyone's gonna see it.
Hey, who's gonna see it? Everyone.
All the girls at gym class and at the slumber parties.
Dad, you just don't understand.
You have to have the little pink bow.
All right, look, I'll go someplace else, and I'll get you one with the bow.
Why not just take that one back to where you got it? Oh, no, no, no.
We'll go someplace else.
But this time, you gotta go with me.
Dad Remember- Remember when we went shopping for hockey skates? Yeah.
That was fun because you know a lot about hockey skates.
I mean, you even wear them yourself, right? Yeah.
I'll bet Angela doesn't know a thing about hockey skates.
- You want Angela to take you, huh? - Thanks, Dad.
You're the best.
At almost everything.
You gotta break this in reaI good.
Sam's gonna love this glove.
Oh, boy.
Sam keeps asking about what you got her for her birthday.
- You didn't tell her, did you? - I didn't tell her.
That's my boy, my tiger.
- I didn't know untiI now.
- Wise guy.
Oh, it's them! Hi.
We had the best time.
We picked up Mother, we all went into the city.
We went to Bloomingdale's.
We went to lunch- - Did you get a bra? - Yeah, and so did Samantha.
Angela, I owe you.
I really owe you.
I appreciate this.
When Jonathan's ready to go to mud wrestling, I'm your man.
Well, thank you.
I'll keep it in mind.
Okay.
Is everybody here? Is everybody ready? - What's going on? - Come on, Tony, sit down.
- Come on, sit down.
- Ready? Now: That's Sam in that dress.
Isn't she gorgeous? Don't you like it, Dad? You look so grown up.
Oh, she looks beautifuI.
Come on, Sam, let's go up and take that dress off.
We don't want any wrinkles before the birthday party.
Thank you, Mrs.
B- Angela.
- Grandma, did you get me something? - Well, of course I did.
Clothes or good stuff? Clothes.
Be gratefuI.
How could you do that to her? She wanted you to love that dress.
It's a great dress, but you got the wrong kid in it.
Tony, don't spoiI it for her.
She looks so beautifuI, and she's so proud of herself.
Angela, that's not my Sam up there.
What did you do to my little girI? Tony, I feeI as though I should be apologizing but I'm not sure for what.
Sam's too young for them fancy clothes you bought.
Well, she's not gonna play Little League forever.
That's fine.
But that dress is going back.
You can't take that dress back.
That's my birthday gift to her.
Fine.
Fine.
You bought her a birthday gift, huh? Fine.
You bought her a dress.
Fine.
And a robe.
Some shoes.
And a little purse.
I couldn't resist it.
And inside, it had a lipstick and a perfume.
You're turning her into Joan Collins.
Tony, I think you're overreacting just a little.
Oh, no, I'm not.
I saw all the eye gunk you put on her.
It's just a little eyeliner for fun.
Tony, I've never been shopping with a little girI before.
- Maybe I got carried away.
- Yeah, maybe you did.
You tried to turn my Samantha into a woman overnight.
I'm not turning her into a woman, nature is.
Yeah, well, nature didn't take her to Bloomingdale's.
And nature didn't dress her up like little Miss Connecticut.
What's wrong with that? Isn't that why you brought her here? So she could have those things? Angela, I don't think Jonathan is in love with his monogrammed handkerchiefs.
He's making little parachutes out of them.
For his hamster.
Angela, I know you meant well with those clothes - but they're all going back.
- Going back? Wait a minute, Tony.
You can't do that.
You're going to break her heart.
Hey, listen, the two of you, that's my daughter up there and I know her better than both of you put together.
So she's being reaI polite about this but that just ain't her up there, all right? A lot of parents just can't let their kids grow up.
- Sam, honey? - Dad! - What's the matter? - I'm trying on my new clothes and I'm not fully dressed.
Want me to help with some of your zippers? No.
I can do it myself.
Okay.
Did you want to see me? I just came up to tuck you in.
Really, Dad, I'm getting too old to be tucked in.
- What do you think? - It's nice.
Nice? I love it.
Look, look, look.
You have to wash this in the delicate cycle.
I'm glad you pointed that out.
I might have spun-dry it.
Gee, I- I guess you're really growing up, huh? Well, I'll be 12 tomorrow.
I mean, we're talking full price at the movies.
Then we're talking half as many movies.
- I'll still kiss you good night.
- I'll take what I can get.
- Good night, Dad.
- Good night, baby.
Tony baked Sam the most beautifuI birthday cake.
Isn't that great? Well, you're the advertising biggie now, Angela.
I want you to think of something witty, poignant and clever to let this little girI know how we really feeI about her.
How about " Happy Birthday, Sam"? You know it's not easy admitting you were wrong.
Are you saying you were wrong? No.
But I might not have been as right as I thought I was.
What happened? I go up to kiss Sam good night.
She tells me she's too old to be tucked in.
I mean, before you know it, she'll fall in love, she'll get married I'll dance " Daddy's Little GirI," and she'll be gone forever.
You're jumping the gun a little bit? - She's not even interested in boys.
- Yet.
Just wait.
It's happening fast, man.
Oh, Tony, don't worry about it.
Really.
One minute they're all grown up and the next, they bounce right back to being a kid.
I remember when Angela was in the sixth grade- Mother, don't tell that story.
Look, Angela, I had the misery of raising you at least let me get a few laughs out of it, huh? So Angela met this yo-yo named Lester Bundy.
Oh, Mother, he wasn't that bad.
He was kind of cute in his crossing guard uniform.
Well, anyway, she came home from schooI and she said to me that she was a woman in love and she gave away all of her dolls to the Salvation Army.
And then, old yo-yo Lester dumped her for a hot, little hall monitor.
The tramp.
Well, anyway- Anyway, Mother went down to the Salvation Army and she got all my dolls back.
But not before they gave me a bowI of hot turkey soup and a sermon on the evils of muscateI.
Well, Mona, that's a great story.
It really cheered me up.
Yeah, I can see that.
And it embarrassed my daughter, so my work's done for the day.
Hello, mini-people.
- Hey, what are you two doing up? - We're trying to hear birthday talk.
No, we're not.
We just want a glass of milk, don't we, Jonathan? Get your milk and hit the road.
Let's hustle up.
- Get to bed.
- We're hustling.
After you, ladies.
Oh, she's a beauty.
She's a regular Brooke Shields.
I guess I gotta admit, she looks kind of cute in a robe.
Oh, and it had the cutest little pair of matching slippers.
Don't press your luck, Angela.
Good night, Mother.
Thank you for everything.
- Good night, dear.
Good night, Tone.
- Good night, Mone.
Go.
Go.
Can you see it? It's chocolate.
I win.
Let me taste it.
Oh, heaven.
Oh, that's good.
You know what my father's getting me for my birthday, don't you? Yeah.
But I can't tell.
Is it a car? No.
Is it an airplane? No.
Is it a second baseman's glove? It is! It is! All right! That's what I wanted more than anything! Oh, I'm so happy! She got me again.
I better face it.
The next couple of years, they're gonna be tough.
I know.
It's not easy raising them alone, is it? Sure, what do I know about raising a-? A young lady.
I mean, you know, I know the streets of Brooklyn second base, and all six uses for Easy-Off.
That's it.
- Come on, you know your daughter.
- I'm not so sure, Angela.
I'm the one who bought her a baseball glove for her birthday.
I can't give her that now.
I gotta give her something that shows her I understand she's growing up.
Tony, that's a wonderfuI idea.
I could use some help from somebody who knows about these things somebody who gave up everything for a crossing guard.
Well, since you asked, I've been thinking about it.
What about a beautifuI necklace to go with the clothes? - ReaI grown up, huh? - Yeah.
- I'll take back the glove.
- I'm proud of you, Tony.
You're gonna make it through puberty after all.
And I thought the first time was tough.
- Here, Sam, this one's from me.
- Lollypop.
Oh, thank you, Jonathan.
Oh, look, everybody Reptile Weekly.
Thank you, Jonathan.
Oh, gosh, that's nice, huh? And look here.
" If you renew your subscription now you will receive a free alligator.
" It'll be here Wednesday.
WonderfuI.
Well, Sam, I guess that's it for presents.
Oh, come on, Dad.
There might just be one more.
Where are you hiding it? Here it is, honey.
Happy birthday, sweetheart.
I hope you like it.
Angela helped me pick it out.
You know, it's to wear with all them fancy clothes you got.
Hey, easy there.
- Isn't that beautifuI? - Thanks, Dad.
Tony, where's the reaI present? You have something else for me? You want something else? If it's the something else I think it is.
I think you're getting two presents, Sam.
- Which hand? Which hand? - Give me it! Give me it! My new mitt! Thanks, Dad! You're welcome, tiger.
She likes it.
She likes it! Nothing will get by me now.
- I thought you took the mitt back.
- I couldn't.
I already oiled it.
All right, all right.
All right.
It's a fly ball to the second baseman Micelli.
And She makes the play.
Three outs! We win the series.
And I get the best-dressed second baseman in the majors.
I love you.
- It's great out there.
- Yeah.
That looks good.
It is good.
Would you please get your hand out of my salad? Please.
Dad, this new mitt is really great.
Me and the guys had a fantastic game.
- Yeah, did you win? - No, we lost 12-2.
So, what's so fantastic? - I'll get that.
- I'll get it.
It's for me.
Hello.
Hi, Bobby.
Oh, sure, I'll help you with your fielding.
Okay.
All right.
Bye.
He's a klutz, but he is so cute! Here, eat salad.
Hey, who's this Bobby? Bring him around.