Who's the Boss? (1984) s01e20 Episode Script
Just Like Tony
Angela! Angela, it should fit.
It says right here: "Suitable for any style sofa, from Sears Best to Louis XIV.
" Oh, Mother.
I hope it wasn't a mistake taking this account.
How do you market an obscure, ugly product that no one has ever heard of? Hey, you got the Beeman no-slip slipcovers, huh? - You heard of them? - Heard of them? They're great.
Everybody in the old neighbourhood has got these.
These are great.
In the summertime, you can blow these up and take them to the beach.
Hey, Mom, I've got something great for show and tell.
Well, that's nice, sweetheart.
What is it? Here.
Oh, my God! What is that? A tattoo, Mom, just like Tony's got.
Watch her wiggle.
Well, maybe when I'm older.
Where did you get that? Did you get drunk on shore leave? Did you do that to him? It's just a little decaI.
It's gonna wash right off.
Jonathan, go right upstairs and take that off.
I do not want that shown and told.
Well, what am I gonna take? Oh, darling, why don't you take this lovely authentic Chinese carving? Do you get egg roll with that? Hey, can I take Tony's baseball cap from the big leagues? - You got it, paI.
- All right! The kid idolizes me.
But who could blame him? - Tony.
- Yeah? If he ever comes home with a reaI tattoo- We'll make sure it says " Mom.
" Hi, guys.
Hey, Tony, watch this.
Sam, hit me as hard as you can.
Yeah? Okay.
Not there, here.
Oh, hey.
Have you been doing a lot of sit-ups? That's pretty good.
No, look.
I really fooled you, didn't I, Tony? Yeah, yeah.
Where'd you get that hubcap? Me and Joey Dinkman found it.
You found it? Found it where? In the street.
Yeah? Right by the curb.
Yeah? - On a car.
- Oh, Jonathan! You stole it? Well, it's not really stealing.
It's- It's a prank.
It's a prank.
Yeah, yeah.
Like the prank Jesse James played on the Missouri Railroad? - Yeah.
- Sit down, sit down! Jonathan, when you take something that belongs to somebody else that is stealing, and it's wrong.
Now, where'd you ever get a dumb idea like this? From you.
What do you mean? I never told you to do that.
Remember? You and your friends ripping off the street signs? He's got you there, Dad.
Jonathan, when I did that I was nothing but a dumb kid.
That's what I am.
Jonathan, when I did it, it was stealing too.
And let me tell you something.
My old man made me sweat out a whole night in jaiI for that.
Here, Sam, want a hubcap? No way.
I'm not gonna be your fence.
All right, I'll tell you what.
First thing tomorrow morning we're going to the police station to tell them what you did.
Try and find out who this belongs to.
It sort of belongs to them.
You stole this from a police car? Well, not the reaI police.
The Oak Hills PatroI.
Are they gonna put me in jaiI? It's a first offence.
Are you gonna do this again? No, never, I promise.
- I'm sorry I did it this time, Tony.
- All right, I know you are.
Look, you go up in your room and you think about what you did.
And, hey, that Dinkman kid, he's out, he's off-limits.
Could you believe this? Yeah.
The Oak Hills patroI drive Mercedes.
Sam, what do you think? How am I gonna tell Angela about Jonathan? You mean Babyface Bower? I know she's gonna come down hard on him and he got that whole dumb idea from me in the first place.
Why don't you do what me and Mom used to do? - What was that? - Don't tell.
When did you do that? Remember when I broke the window at St.
Catherine's? - No.
- See, it works.
- Hi.
- Oh, hey, Angela, hi.
What happened to " Hi, extended family, I'm home"? Beeman "the Bland", the slipcover man hated every bright idea that we presented to him.
We scheduled an meeting tomorrow to beg him to give us another chance.
I don't think things could get any worse.
Want to bet? Kids.
I just want to go upstairs, take a hot bath, forget about my day.
How are things around here? Why do you ask? No reason.
Why do you ask why I ask? No reason.
Things are, you know, the same around here.
Same old grind.
It's so quiet around here, it's a crime.
It's more like a prank.
Hello, everybody.
Hi, Mother.
What's this? Well, it looks like a Mercedes candy dish.
Who ate all the candy? Oh, Angela, I gotta leveI with you.
I ate it, but I got more.
The bell.
Here you go.
It's so funky.
It looks very authentic.
Bloomingdale's.
Oh, boy.
Hi.
Hey, any chance you're organizing a neighbourhood watch? - No.
- You're collecting Toys 4 Tots? - Is this the Bower residence? - Yes, it is, officer.
I'm Angela Bower.
What can I do for you? What have you got there, ma'am? It's candy.
Would you like some? Rather unusuaI candy dish.
Yes, it is, isn't it? I used to have a set of four.
You did? Okay, lady, you want to give me back my hubcap? What hubcap? - Oh, my God.
This is a hubcap? - My hubcap.
Yeah, well, look, here you go.
Thanks for stopping by.
Keep the candy.
Don't worry about it.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What's going on around here? At approximately 3:45 this afternoon as I was emerging from the croissant shop your son and another boy absconded with two of my hubcaps.
Oh, no, officer, there must be a mistake.
- No? - No.
I don't know what to say.
I'm- I'm so sorry.
We're not that kind of family, really.
I am a solid tax-paying citizen.
I'm also a member in good standing of the Oak Wood Country Club.
Right, mother? I've never seen this woman before in my life.
Mother, be serious.
We were gonna bring this back in the morning.
We? You mean you knew about this? Well, I guess I can overlook it this time as long as you assure me that you'll have a talk with your son.
Oh, yes, officer, I will.
Thank you very, very much, officer.
Thank you.
You knew about this and you didn't say anything.
Well, I was gonna tell you later.
Later? When? When Jonathan's doing Angela, pull yourself together.
I mean, the kid didn't knock over a 7-Eleven.
It's just a case of " boys will be boys.
" - Boys will be boys.
- Boys will be boys? Jonathan! - Can't we talk about this? - I'm the boy's mother.
I will get to the bottom of this.
Jonathan, come down here! I can't.
Tony told me to stay in my room.
Come on down, champ.
Sweetheart, sit down.
No, you can sit.
Sit, sit, please.
Honey, Mommy wants to talk to you.
Now, why did you steaI the hubcap, darling? Were you troubled? I don't think so.
Well, did something happen in schooI? No.
It's me, then, isn't it? I'm away from you too much, and you wanted my attention? No, I wanted a hubcap.
- Well, so much for Psych 101.
- Mother.
Angela, here's the thing and, you know, you just might get a kick out of this.
CarefuI, Tony.
You might too.
That's enough, Mother.
Well, no, Angela, you see, I told- Come here, buddy.
I told Jonathan about the time me and Johnny Chacha took a street sign.
You stole a street sign? Well, we didn't really steaI it.
What we did was, we moved it to a new location.
And, you know, this is the funny part.
Here, sit down.
This is where it gets funny.
See, the sign said, " Easy Access", so what we did was we nailed it under Roseanne Ladorsina's bedroom window.
Boy, I bet that did wonders for her sociaI life.
Forget about it, Mona.
Her stock soared.
Oh, I get it.
No, you don't.
Sit down.
Jonathan, we have a very serious problem here and I want you to tell me what you think I should do about it.
Send me to my room.
I mean, I did the crime, I'll do the time.
Right, Tony? Where does he pick these things up? Go to your room.
Angela, look, I'm sorry.
Sometimes kids get the wrong idea.
No, Tony, it's all right.
It's not your fault.
It's mine.
I should be raising my son not leaving it to someone else.
What, you don't like the way I'm handling Jonathan? With all due respect, Tony, look at the track record.
The tattoo, the hubcap, " I did the crime, I'll do the time.
" He's talking like he's Sylvester Stallone.
- Angela, that ain't fair.
- Isn't fair.
What'd you become, an English teacher? Tony, that isn't necessary.
Don't to talk to me like- Just a minute here.
Now, you two have got to work together.
Angela, you are in the office in New York all day.
Tony is here alone with Jonathan all day.
My work is never done.
See, the thing is that the two of you are kind of like a team.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm like the quarterback out on the field.
Yeah, and I'm kind of like the coach.
From now on, I send in the plays.
Angela, are you kidding me? You can't run this place from there.
I run the Chicago office and I run the Los Angeles office.
Consider this the Connecticut office.
From now on, I want to be consulted about everything that concerns Jonathan.
- Come on, Angela.
- Tony, you're not the boy's father.
I am.
Wait a minute.
How am I supposed to function like this, Mona? Every time Jonathan wants something, I gotta check with her? I'll be calling her every five minutes.
It's gonna drive her nuts.
Well, Tony, she is the boss, huh? So why don't you give the little lady what she wants? Mona.
Hello? Yes, Tony, what is it? Angela, we got a big problem here, and I knew you'd wanna be consulted.
Well, thank you, Tony.
Fill me in.
Jonathan wants a mid-morning snack.
Does he usually have one? Well, that all depends on how long it is before lunch.
Well, how long is it before lunch? Oh, that's another thing, Angela.
When should I feed him? Give him a snack, and then give him his lunch later.
Oh, now, why didn't I figure that out? You know, you make it look so easy.
Thank you, coach.
Bye.
Anybody home? Mr.
Beeman, how nice to see you again.
Please, sit down.
Thank you.
Isn't it a beautifuI day? - I don't like small talk.
- Me neither.
- Don't like beating around the bush.
- Neither do I.
- And I don't like your advertising.
- Oh, dear.
Excuse me.
It's Saturday, and there's no secretary.
Hello? Yes, Tony.
Yes, an apple sounds fine.
Well, then, give him a banana.
Well, what do we have? Well, then, give him that.
Goodbye.
I'm so sorry.
There was a problem in the Connecticut office.
Where were we? - He hates our advertising.
- Oh, that.
Don't worry, Mr.
Beeman, we have something I think you're going to like.
Like it? You'll love it.
Trust me.
It's hot, it's high-concept, it's got sizzle.
Oh, speaking of sizzle I have come up with my own slogan.
This is very catchy.
" Buy Beeman furniture covers.
" And then I thought we would show them our factory in Toledo.
That's our big one.
Yes, with the very nice smokestacks.
- Notice how well- - I'm sorry, I won't be a minute.
Hello? Yes, Tony.
I'm in an important meeting.
Can't it wait untiI I get home? Uh, well, did you give him a drink of water? You did? Tell him to hold his breath and swallow three times.
Well, did you try scaring him? All right, all right.
Put him on.
Well, just put him on.
I'm so sorry.
Where were we? - Hey, buddy, where you going? - Out to play.
- With who? - A friend.
A friend? Not that Joey Dinkman kid? I have to.
I promised.
I told you, that Dinkman kid's off-limits.
You hang out with him, you'll end up in big trouble.
Okay, Tony, if you say so.
That's my buddy.
Okay.
Hi, Mom.
Guess who this is? Hello, sweetheart.
Of course you can go play with your friend.
Yes, and don't forget to wear a jacket and don't forget to look both ways when crossing.
Yes, dar- Yes, I love you too.
All right.
Bye-bye.
Mr.
Bee- Mr.
Beeman? I can't go on lik e this, Claudia.
But, Rod, he means nothing to me.
Nothing.
How can you expect me to believe you? Would these eyes lie? - Hi, Mother.
- Oh, hi.
Just listening to the MacNeil/Lehrer Report.
Kiss me, you fool.
I've always wondered about those two.
Well, we thrashed it out with Mr.
Beeman and we came up with a slogan that I think really has a nice ring to it.
" Buy Beeman furniture covers.
" Well, set that to music, you got a big hit.
The fuzz.
Where are they, Mrs.
Bower? - Who? - Butch and Sundance.
At 4:37 this afternoon two juveniles, male Caucasian broke and entered Oak Valley Elementary.
One was Joey Dinkman, a.
k.
a.
The Dink.
How do you know that? Even his mother calls him that.
No, I meant how did you know it was Joey? He spray-painted his name on all of the walls.
Bright kid.
The description of the other boy matches your son.
I'm sorry, but this time it's public property.
I'm gonna have to call the reaI cops.
You know, the guys with bullets.
Oh, my God! Oh, no, officer.
No, there must be some mistake.
It could not have been Jonathan.
You see, Tony told him that he couldn't play with Joey Dinkman.
Joey Dinkman? Oh, no, Mother.
I told him he could.
He called me, asked me if he could play with his little friend, and I said, "Yes.
" Angela, how could you? I was in the middle of a meeting and I wasn't paying attention.
What kind of a parent am I? Well, better than you think because you were smart enough to hire Tony and he was smart enough not to listen to you.
- He didn't let him go? - That's right, coach.
This time, he called his own play and Jonathan is in his room, and he has been there all afternoon.
- He has? - He has.
You're sure about this? Would these eyes lie? Hey, champ.
You still mad at me? Kind of.
Oh, come on, Jonathan.
You know why I didn't let you play with Joey the Dink, don't you? Because I love you.
And because I happen to know they serve broccoli at Leavenworth.
Yeah, but Joey's going to think I'm a sissy for not showing up today.
Well, he might, buddy, but you know something? Eventually, you gotta stand up and be your own man.
I'll give you an example.
Look at me, huh? I'm the only housekeeper on the block who don't shave his legs.
Well, wait a minute.
Except for Vivienne.
But do you think that I care what the Joey Dinkmans of the world say? Yeah, but you're tough, and you've got a tattoo and everything.
Yeah, well, let me tell you something.
This tattoo, it doesn't make me tough.
It makes me too stupid to know any better.
Stupid and scared.
- You, scared? - That's right, scared.
I was afraid that if I didn't do what my buddies were doing then I wouldn't have any buddies.
- I know what you mean.
- You do, huh? But you know what I figured out? As I grew older I learned that your true friends, the guys that really count the guys that care about you they take you for what you are and what you're not.
You get it? And sweetheart, one other thing.
ReaI friends will forgive you, even when you've acted like a jerk.
You mean like stealing hubcaps? Yes.
And when you say things to people that you care about that you don't really mean.
Yeah, and while we're talking when you tell stories that you should've kept your big mouth shut.
- I'd sure like to have a friend like that.
- Yeah, me too.
Yeah, me too.
Hey, let's put an ad in the personals.
Hey, hey, what are you doing? You know, Tony I'm not without understanding in these matters.
It was just a childhood impulse, and everybody's had them.
Everybody? Yes, Tony, even me.
Oh, I remember one time at Miss Prescott's day schooI I'm all ears.
All the girls hated Miss Prescott so one day I sneaked into her classroom.
- And? - And I ran up to her desk and I tore the day's page off her calendar.
You didn't? Oh, I did.
And even though it was Monday she kept thinking it was Tuesday all day long.
Oh, I get it.
She probably got confused, and missed a lot of appointments, huh? No, but she might have.
Angela, can I go to bed now? - You madcap prankster, you.
- Well Hey, what's this on your shirt?
It says right here: "Suitable for any style sofa, from Sears Best to Louis XIV.
" Oh, Mother.
I hope it wasn't a mistake taking this account.
How do you market an obscure, ugly product that no one has ever heard of? Hey, you got the Beeman no-slip slipcovers, huh? - You heard of them? - Heard of them? They're great.
Everybody in the old neighbourhood has got these.
These are great.
In the summertime, you can blow these up and take them to the beach.
Hey, Mom, I've got something great for show and tell.
Well, that's nice, sweetheart.
What is it? Here.
Oh, my God! What is that? A tattoo, Mom, just like Tony's got.
Watch her wiggle.
Well, maybe when I'm older.
Where did you get that? Did you get drunk on shore leave? Did you do that to him? It's just a little decaI.
It's gonna wash right off.
Jonathan, go right upstairs and take that off.
I do not want that shown and told.
Well, what am I gonna take? Oh, darling, why don't you take this lovely authentic Chinese carving? Do you get egg roll with that? Hey, can I take Tony's baseball cap from the big leagues? - You got it, paI.
- All right! The kid idolizes me.
But who could blame him? - Tony.
- Yeah? If he ever comes home with a reaI tattoo- We'll make sure it says " Mom.
" Hi, guys.
Hey, Tony, watch this.
Sam, hit me as hard as you can.
Yeah? Okay.
Not there, here.
Oh, hey.
Have you been doing a lot of sit-ups? That's pretty good.
No, look.
I really fooled you, didn't I, Tony? Yeah, yeah.
Where'd you get that hubcap? Me and Joey Dinkman found it.
You found it? Found it where? In the street.
Yeah? Right by the curb.
Yeah? - On a car.
- Oh, Jonathan! You stole it? Well, it's not really stealing.
It's- It's a prank.
It's a prank.
Yeah, yeah.
Like the prank Jesse James played on the Missouri Railroad? - Yeah.
- Sit down, sit down! Jonathan, when you take something that belongs to somebody else that is stealing, and it's wrong.
Now, where'd you ever get a dumb idea like this? From you.
What do you mean? I never told you to do that.
Remember? You and your friends ripping off the street signs? He's got you there, Dad.
Jonathan, when I did that I was nothing but a dumb kid.
That's what I am.
Jonathan, when I did it, it was stealing too.
And let me tell you something.
My old man made me sweat out a whole night in jaiI for that.
Here, Sam, want a hubcap? No way.
I'm not gonna be your fence.
All right, I'll tell you what.
First thing tomorrow morning we're going to the police station to tell them what you did.
Try and find out who this belongs to.
It sort of belongs to them.
You stole this from a police car? Well, not the reaI police.
The Oak Hills PatroI.
Are they gonna put me in jaiI? It's a first offence.
Are you gonna do this again? No, never, I promise.
- I'm sorry I did it this time, Tony.
- All right, I know you are.
Look, you go up in your room and you think about what you did.
And, hey, that Dinkman kid, he's out, he's off-limits.
Could you believe this? Yeah.
The Oak Hills patroI drive Mercedes.
Sam, what do you think? How am I gonna tell Angela about Jonathan? You mean Babyface Bower? I know she's gonna come down hard on him and he got that whole dumb idea from me in the first place.
Why don't you do what me and Mom used to do? - What was that? - Don't tell.
When did you do that? Remember when I broke the window at St.
Catherine's? - No.
- See, it works.
- Hi.
- Oh, hey, Angela, hi.
What happened to " Hi, extended family, I'm home"? Beeman "the Bland", the slipcover man hated every bright idea that we presented to him.
We scheduled an meeting tomorrow to beg him to give us another chance.
I don't think things could get any worse.
Want to bet? Kids.
I just want to go upstairs, take a hot bath, forget about my day.
How are things around here? Why do you ask? No reason.
Why do you ask why I ask? No reason.
Things are, you know, the same around here.
Same old grind.
It's so quiet around here, it's a crime.
It's more like a prank.
Hello, everybody.
Hi, Mother.
What's this? Well, it looks like a Mercedes candy dish.
Who ate all the candy? Oh, Angela, I gotta leveI with you.
I ate it, but I got more.
The bell.
Here you go.
It's so funky.
It looks very authentic.
Bloomingdale's.
Oh, boy.
Hi.
Hey, any chance you're organizing a neighbourhood watch? - No.
- You're collecting Toys 4 Tots? - Is this the Bower residence? - Yes, it is, officer.
I'm Angela Bower.
What can I do for you? What have you got there, ma'am? It's candy.
Would you like some? Rather unusuaI candy dish.
Yes, it is, isn't it? I used to have a set of four.
You did? Okay, lady, you want to give me back my hubcap? What hubcap? - Oh, my God.
This is a hubcap? - My hubcap.
Yeah, well, look, here you go.
Thanks for stopping by.
Keep the candy.
Don't worry about it.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What's going on around here? At approximately 3:45 this afternoon as I was emerging from the croissant shop your son and another boy absconded with two of my hubcaps.
Oh, no, officer, there must be a mistake.
- No? - No.
I don't know what to say.
I'm- I'm so sorry.
We're not that kind of family, really.
I am a solid tax-paying citizen.
I'm also a member in good standing of the Oak Wood Country Club.
Right, mother? I've never seen this woman before in my life.
Mother, be serious.
We were gonna bring this back in the morning.
We? You mean you knew about this? Well, I guess I can overlook it this time as long as you assure me that you'll have a talk with your son.
Oh, yes, officer, I will.
Thank you very, very much, officer.
Thank you.
You knew about this and you didn't say anything.
Well, I was gonna tell you later.
Later? When? When Jonathan's doing Angela, pull yourself together.
I mean, the kid didn't knock over a 7-Eleven.
It's just a case of " boys will be boys.
" - Boys will be boys.
- Boys will be boys? Jonathan! - Can't we talk about this? - I'm the boy's mother.
I will get to the bottom of this.
Jonathan, come down here! I can't.
Tony told me to stay in my room.
Come on down, champ.
Sweetheart, sit down.
No, you can sit.
Sit, sit, please.
Honey, Mommy wants to talk to you.
Now, why did you steaI the hubcap, darling? Were you troubled? I don't think so.
Well, did something happen in schooI? No.
It's me, then, isn't it? I'm away from you too much, and you wanted my attention? No, I wanted a hubcap.
- Well, so much for Psych 101.
- Mother.
Angela, here's the thing and, you know, you just might get a kick out of this.
CarefuI, Tony.
You might too.
That's enough, Mother.
Well, no, Angela, you see, I told- Come here, buddy.
I told Jonathan about the time me and Johnny Chacha took a street sign.
You stole a street sign? Well, we didn't really steaI it.
What we did was, we moved it to a new location.
And, you know, this is the funny part.
Here, sit down.
This is where it gets funny.
See, the sign said, " Easy Access", so what we did was we nailed it under Roseanne Ladorsina's bedroom window.
Boy, I bet that did wonders for her sociaI life.
Forget about it, Mona.
Her stock soared.
Oh, I get it.
No, you don't.
Sit down.
Jonathan, we have a very serious problem here and I want you to tell me what you think I should do about it.
Send me to my room.
I mean, I did the crime, I'll do the time.
Right, Tony? Where does he pick these things up? Go to your room.
Angela, look, I'm sorry.
Sometimes kids get the wrong idea.
No, Tony, it's all right.
It's not your fault.
It's mine.
I should be raising my son not leaving it to someone else.
What, you don't like the way I'm handling Jonathan? With all due respect, Tony, look at the track record.
The tattoo, the hubcap, " I did the crime, I'll do the time.
" He's talking like he's Sylvester Stallone.
- Angela, that ain't fair.
- Isn't fair.
What'd you become, an English teacher? Tony, that isn't necessary.
Don't to talk to me like- Just a minute here.
Now, you two have got to work together.
Angela, you are in the office in New York all day.
Tony is here alone with Jonathan all day.
My work is never done.
See, the thing is that the two of you are kind of like a team.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm like the quarterback out on the field.
Yeah, and I'm kind of like the coach.
From now on, I send in the plays.
Angela, are you kidding me? You can't run this place from there.
I run the Chicago office and I run the Los Angeles office.
Consider this the Connecticut office.
From now on, I want to be consulted about everything that concerns Jonathan.
- Come on, Angela.
- Tony, you're not the boy's father.
I am.
Wait a minute.
How am I supposed to function like this, Mona? Every time Jonathan wants something, I gotta check with her? I'll be calling her every five minutes.
It's gonna drive her nuts.
Well, Tony, she is the boss, huh? So why don't you give the little lady what she wants? Mona.
Hello? Yes, Tony, what is it? Angela, we got a big problem here, and I knew you'd wanna be consulted.
Well, thank you, Tony.
Fill me in.
Jonathan wants a mid-morning snack.
Does he usually have one? Well, that all depends on how long it is before lunch.
Well, how long is it before lunch? Oh, that's another thing, Angela.
When should I feed him? Give him a snack, and then give him his lunch later.
Oh, now, why didn't I figure that out? You know, you make it look so easy.
Thank you, coach.
Bye.
Anybody home? Mr.
Beeman, how nice to see you again.
Please, sit down.
Thank you.
Isn't it a beautifuI day? - I don't like small talk.
- Me neither.
- Don't like beating around the bush.
- Neither do I.
- And I don't like your advertising.
- Oh, dear.
Excuse me.
It's Saturday, and there's no secretary.
Hello? Yes, Tony.
Yes, an apple sounds fine.
Well, then, give him a banana.
Well, what do we have? Well, then, give him that.
Goodbye.
I'm so sorry.
There was a problem in the Connecticut office.
Where were we? - He hates our advertising.
- Oh, that.
Don't worry, Mr.
Beeman, we have something I think you're going to like.
Like it? You'll love it.
Trust me.
It's hot, it's high-concept, it's got sizzle.
Oh, speaking of sizzle I have come up with my own slogan.
This is very catchy.
" Buy Beeman furniture covers.
" And then I thought we would show them our factory in Toledo.
That's our big one.
Yes, with the very nice smokestacks.
- Notice how well- - I'm sorry, I won't be a minute.
Hello? Yes, Tony.
I'm in an important meeting.
Can't it wait untiI I get home? Uh, well, did you give him a drink of water? You did? Tell him to hold his breath and swallow three times.
Well, did you try scaring him? All right, all right.
Put him on.
Well, just put him on.
I'm so sorry.
Where were we? - Hey, buddy, where you going? - Out to play.
- With who? - A friend.
A friend? Not that Joey Dinkman kid? I have to.
I promised.
I told you, that Dinkman kid's off-limits.
You hang out with him, you'll end up in big trouble.
Okay, Tony, if you say so.
That's my buddy.
Okay.
Hi, Mom.
Guess who this is? Hello, sweetheart.
Of course you can go play with your friend.
Yes, and don't forget to wear a jacket and don't forget to look both ways when crossing.
Yes, dar- Yes, I love you too.
All right.
Bye-bye.
Mr.
Bee- Mr.
Beeman? I can't go on lik e this, Claudia.
But, Rod, he means nothing to me.
Nothing.
How can you expect me to believe you? Would these eyes lie? - Hi, Mother.
- Oh, hi.
Just listening to the MacNeil/Lehrer Report.
Kiss me, you fool.
I've always wondered about those two.
Well, we thrashed it out with Mr.
Beeman and we came up with a slogan that I think really has a nice ring to it.
" Buy Beeman furniture covers.
" Well, set that to music, you got a big hit.
The fuzz.
Where are they, Mrs.
Bower? - Who? - Butch and Sundance.
At 4:37 this afternoon two juveniles, male Caucasian broke and entered Oak Valley Elementary.
One was Joey Dinkman, a.
k.
a.
The Dink.
How do you know that? Even his mother calls him that.
No, I meant how did you know it was Joey? He spray-painted his name on all of the walls.
Bright kid.
The description of the other boy matches your son.
I'm sorry, but this time it's public property.
I'm gonna have to call the reaI cops.
You know, the guys with bullets.
Oh, my God! Oh, no, officer.
No, there must be some mistake.
It could not have been Jonathan.
You see, Tony told him that he couldn't play with Joey Dinkman.
Joey Dinkman? Oh, no, Mother.
I told him he could.
He called me, asked me if he could play with his little friend, and I said, "Yes.
" Angela, how could you? I was in the middle of a meeting and I wasn't paying attention.
What kind of a parent am I? Well, better than you think because you were smart enough to hire Tony and he was smart enough not to listen to you.
- He didn't let him go? - That's right, coach.
This time, he called his own play and Jonathan is in his room, and he has been there all afternoon.
- He has? - He has.
You're sure about this? Would these eyes lie? Hey, champ.
You still mad at me? Kind of.
Oh, come on, Jonathan.
You know why I didn't let you play with Joey the Dink, don't you? Because I love you.
And because I happen to know they serve broccoli at Leavenworth.
Yeah, but Joey's going to think I'm a sissy for not showing up today.
Well, he might, buddy, but you know something? Eventually, you gotta stand up and be your own man.
I'll give you an example.
Look at me, huh? I'm the only housekeeper on the block who don't shave his legs.
Well, wait a minute.
Except for Vivienne.
But do you think that I care what the Joey Dinkmans of the world say? Yeah, but you're tough, and you've got a tattoo and everything.
Yeah, well, let me tell you something.
This tattoo, it doesn't make me tough.
It makes me too stupid to know any better.
Stupid and scared.
- You, scared? - That's right, scared.
I was afraid that if I didn't do what my buddies were doing then I wouldn't have any buddies.
- I know what you mean.
- You do, huh? But you know what I figured out? As I grew older I learned that your true friends, the guys that really count the guys that care about you they take you for what you are and what you're not.
You get it? And sweetheart, one other thing.
ReaI friends will forgive you, even when you've acted like a jerk.
You mean like stealing hubcaps? Yes.
And when you say things to people that you care about that you don't really mean.
Yeah, and while we're talking when you tell stories that you should've kept your big mouth shut.
- I'd sure like to have a friend like that.
- Yeah, me too.
Yeah, me too.
Hey, let's put an ad in the personals.
Hey, hey, what are you doing? You know, Tony I'm not without understanding in these matters.
It was just a childhood impulse, and everybody's had them.
Everybody? Yes, Tony, even me.
Oh, I remember one time at Miss Prescott's day schooI I'm all ears.
All the girls hated Miss Prescott so one day I sneaked into her classroom.
- And? - And I ran up to her desk and I tore the day's page off her calendar.
You didn't? Oh, I did.
And even though it was Monday she kept thinking it was Tuesday all day long.
Oh, I get it.
She probably got confused, and missed a lot of appointments, huh? No, but she might have.
Angela, can I go to bed now? - You madcap prankster, you.
- Well Hey, what's this on your shirt?