Why Women Kill (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

There's No Crying in Murder

1 Previously on Why Women Kill.
It's waterproof.
So it's safe from my tears of joy.
What's wrong? Am am I embarrassing you? - At least take the flowers.
- No! If you won't accept this simple gift, then what does that say about our future? We have no future.
- Tommy Harte? - Amy? I don't know if you're seeing anyone these days, but I could really use some cheering up.
I was seeing someone.
But, uh, she recently broke up with me.
KARL: Love is always a risk.
The chance for love doesn't come around every day.
Are you free Friday? Yes, lover.
"Ma'am" will be fine.
ELI: Now that Jade's gonna live with us, we gotta have some way to introduce her.
Well, why don't we just say she's family? I love that.
Jade, what's going on? Duke is gonna kill Teacup.
- Teacup? - Our dog.
He says if I don't meet with him, he's gonna put her down.
For the last two years, I've been pathetic Eli who who can't finish a screenplay, who can't help pay the bills.
I just need a fucking win.
I just want to feel like a man and save a dog and have that be good enough.
Jade! BETH ANN: April is very sweet.
She's so free-spirited.
You wouldn't believe the fun we have together.
Try one.
You know, marijuana? I don't think it's working.
(LAUGHING) ROB: You're acting like you're drunk.
That might be the pot.
- Pot? - (WHISPERING): It's marijuana.
We will talk about this later.
I want to be a singer.
- Really? - (LAUGHS) I'm gonna be somebody someday.
"L" is for the way you look At me "O" is for the only one I see "V" is very, very Extraordinary "E" is even more Than anyone that you adore can Love is all That I can give to you Love is more Than just a game for two Two in love can make it Take my heart and please don't break it Love was made For me and you I want to be a mommy.
I want to be a movie star.
I want to be a superhero.
Saving the world.
Taking care of my baby.
Going to parties in high heels.
What? Is that a joke? That couldn't happen.
(SCREAMS) - - When I was just a little girl I asked my mother "What will I be? Will I be pretty, will I be rich?" Here's what she said to me Que será, será Whatever will be will be The future's not ours to see Que será, será What will be will be Que será, será So? (CHUCKLES) Um, what'd you think, Mr.
Porter? Not bad, kid.
Not bad.
Really? So I got the job? PORTER: It's just one night, but if it goes well, we could talk about something more permanent.
Oh, my God.
Thank you so much.
PORTER: I'll see you Tuesday.
- Did you hear that? - Oh, April, your first singing gig.
Promise me you'll come.
- Tuesday night? - Mm-hmm.
I wouldn't miss it.
And you'll finally get to meet Rob.
What? I told him that there was a chance that I could be booking this gig, and he already agreed to come.
- Oh.
- I'll put you two at a table together.
That way you can get to know each other.
Can't wait.
You'll have to help me find something to wear.
(CHUCKLES) I'm thinking maybe that blue dress - with the sequins.
- Oh, yes, that's nice.
Is something wrong? Actually, I just remembered, my aunt Lydia is getting an operation Tuesday.
- An operation? - Mm, to fix her bunion.
I agreed to bring her home from the hospital and look after her.
All night.
Well, can you get someone else to look after her? You can't miss my show.
I already promised.
And it's such a big bunion.
This is about Rob, isn't it? What? Just admit it.
You don't want to meet him because you don't approve of Rob and I's relationship.
Believe me, that is not the reason.
(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE) I'm telling you, we're lost.
Well, maybe if you'd asked for directions when we got off the highway Maybe if you'd picked a motel closer than 30 miles away Oh, I think we go left here? Oh, we're going in circles.
This is the third time we've passed that wino.
Well, it's too dark to read the signs.
Oh, stop and I'll ask at the liquor store.
(DOOR CLOSES) We're on Pike Street.
Show me the map.
Move along, kid.
Sorry, we were just leaving.
Not you, sweet cheeks.
You're busted.
- Busted? For what? - Soliciting.
You think I'm a hooker? For God's sake, I'm wearing Yves Saint Laurent.
I didn't say you weren't successful.
TOMMY: Uh, she's with me, sir.
She was just asking directions - because we got lost.
- Relax, kid.
I'm doing you a favor.
You don't want your first time to be with a pro.
How dare you? I'm a well-known philanthropist.
I don't need to know your specialty.
- Let's go.
- What? - Uh - OFFICER: Come on.
Hey! Seriously, sir, she's my girlfriend.
- I find that hard to believe.
- Well, show him your license.
My Oh, uh (GRUNTS) If we just met, how do I know his name is Tommy Harte and that he lives in Pasadena at 74 Oakhurst Drive? His birthday is March 10.
So, if you're a couple from Pasadena, why are you going to a motel in Azusa? We are having an illicit affair.
We've driven 30 miles to avoid being spotted by his mother, who is my best friend, and my husband, who is gay.
Well, I got to give you points for creativity.
Have fun, kid.
Eli! Hey, can you walk Teacup for me? I'm helping Taylor pack for her trip.
- Yeah, sure.
- Thanks.
Still going to Fresno, huh? I have to.
This conference has been on the books for months.
Honey, the people at your firm know that we were attacked.
I mean, they wouldn't blink if you opted out.
I know, but I told my sisters I'm coming to town, and they're still threatening to visit this summer, so we kind of want to break the news about our living situation before that happens.
Why don't you just shoot them a text? I'm not gonna tell my sisters I'm in a throuple via text.
Just make sure you tell them it was your idea, not mine.
- But it was your idea.
- ELI: Yeah, but your sisters hate me enough as it is.
We don't need to throw any more gas on that fire.
You haven't met them yet, but they're awful.
All right, Teacup.
Whoa, here we go.
(EXHALES) - Lamar.
- Oh! You do know who I am.
I was curious 'cause you've been avoiding me for weeks.
No, no, no.
No, I (STAMMERS) I-I was absolutely gonna call you back, man.
I just I've been incredibly busy.
I see you had time to get a dog.
Oh, forgot to tell you.
You'll like this.
Finally had that threesome.
I would ask what one has to do with the other, but never the fuck mind.
- Where is my script? - Script? The one you promised would be done a month ago? The one I talked up to Paramount.
Got 'em all excited, and now they're pissed off wondering what happened to it.
Well, it-it's almost done.
I'm just making a few final tweaks.
Oh, please.
The only line older than that is "let there be light.
" No, I'm not lying.
Look, I-I swear to you I swear to you, I will have it to you in one week.
You got 24 hours.
Starting now.
Come on, man, we're supposed to be friends.
Look, I am your friend.
Any other agent would have kicked your ass to the curb long ago.
Okay, well, yeah, and of course, I'm grateful that you stood by me, but please, I mean Give me till Friday.
You got till 10:15 tomorrow.
Tweak fast.
Are you having an affair? Really, Karl, before breakfast? No, I heard you on the phone this morning.
You were arguing with someone, refusing to meet unless they found a discreet location.
You listened to a private conversation? - You should be ashamed of yourself.
- Well, I am after I've had sex with a busboy in an alleyway, but I-I don't really break a sweat over eavesdropping.
Regardless, I don't owe you any explanations, - so drop the subject.
- Oh, go on.
Tell me who it is.
Is it one of our friends from the country club? The tennis instruct No, the chef.
Karl, I believe you're jealous.
Oh, don't be daft.
Oh, by the way, if it is a busboy named Julio, will you give him my regards? - (DOORBELL RINGS) - Mm, the irony is just delicious.
Is it one of our neighbors? Dig all you like, Karl.
Even if I were having an affair, you'd never hear his name from me.
We need to talk about Tommy.
The bed news is he's been acting strangely.
He leaves the house at all hours of the night.
Won't tell me where he's been when he comes home.
Oh, I do hope Tommy hasn't fallen in with the wrong crowd.
Why are you looking at me? - I'm offering you a cookie.
- Oh.
The good news is I got him a new job working for Bader's Nursery.
He'll be doing home care.
- Home care? - That means he'll go into people's houses and water their plants while they're at work or on vacation.
Will he? This is where the favor comes in.
I'm asking all of my friends to hire Tommy.
I need to keep him busy.
Just so I'm clear, people leave town and give Tommy the keys to their homes? I know what you're thinking, but Tommy is very trustworthy and quick, too.
He'd be in and out.
I'm sure he'd stay long enough to get the job done.
(CHUCKLING): Of course.
Can I count you in? Oh, why not? We like Tommy, don't we, darling? Oh, yes.
We certainly do.
BETH ANN: Poor April.
If you could have seen her face.
Oh, you don't want me anywhere near that tramp's face because I will slap it.
It's her big night.
I was honored she wanted me to come so badly.
Doesn't she have any other friends? Or did she sleep with their husbands, too? I'm glad Rob is going.
She needs someone there to cheer her on.
I don't get it.
This is war.
You are fighting with another woman over your husband and you are losing.
- (DOOR CLOSES) - ROB: Honey! He's home early.
I'm in here, Rob.
If he tells you that he's got to work late Tuesday, I will vomit and you will have to mop this floor up all over again.
There you are.
Guess what? I have amazing news.
You do? I got two tickets to the World Series.
For when? Let me guess.
Tuesday? ROB: As a matter of fact, yeah.
My boss gave them to me as a gift, and they are right behind home plate.
Who are you taking? What do you mean, who am I taking? Only my best girl.
Let me see those.
- Holy crap! - (ROB CHUCKLES) He's got two tickets to the World Series.
Isn't that what I just said? And these are for Tuesday? Yeah.
ROB: What's wrong? Well, I just want to make sure we haven't forgotten about any plans we might have made for Tuesday? Well, whatever plans we made, consider them canceled.
I've got a date with my wife, the Dodgers and the Yankees.
What's going on here? Why aren't you happy? Oh, she is very happy.
She's just not used to you being so wonderful.
Huh? Rob, give us a second.
We're not through with the mopping.
I got to call Carl.
He's gonna be so jealous.
(LAUGHS) April is going to be heartbroken.
To hell with April.
You've got to focus on the big picture.
He's choosing you over her.
You're winning.
I guess I am.
JADE: Hey.
Taylor called.
Her plane landed in Fresno.
What are you doing? Killing myself.
- With cheese? - Yeah.
My plan is to get super fat and then die of hypertension.
That might take a while.
Only great writers deserve quick deaths.
Hemingway, Wolfe, Plath.
Me? I'm a bad writer, so I deserve to die slowly, painfully disgustingly.
Do we have any mustard? No.
But we have mayonnaise.
Oh, yes, the condiment of hacks.
Bring it to me.
What's going on? My agent's gonna drop me if I don't get him my script by tomorrow morning.
And you're not finished? I-I've written 50 pages.
Each just worst than the last.
I doubt that.
I mean, I have no third act.
I keep sitting here, staring at the poster of my one and only hit, praying for some sort of inspiration.
And the longer I look at it, the more I realize it was a fluke.
I mean, brilliant director, stellar cast, all turning my crap dialogue into gold.
(EXHALES) How am I gonna tell Taylor that I lost my fucking agent? Give me the 50 pages.
Why, so you can beat me with them? Because I think it might help you to get some honest feedback.
Do you know anything about writing? I know what I like.
And if I think that your script's in decent shape, you'll have the confidence to finish the damn thing.
Yeah, and what if it's just 50 pages of me shitting the bed? Then I will go to the store and I will buy you every kind of cheese known to man.
And mayonnaise.
Gonna need lots of mayonnaise.
Rob, what are you doing? We're going to be late.
I'm looking for my old baseball glove.
Maybe I can get Sandy Koufax to sign it.
Don't bother Mr.
Koufax tonight.
He'll be working.
Eh, he can sign one glove.
Maybe it's in one of the boxes in the garage.
- (PHONE RINGING) - No, it should be in this one.
Stanton residence.
Hold on.
Maybe you're right about the garage.
Check the box by the tool drawer.
I got to take this.
Who is it? Uh, a guy from work.
Uh, I'll be right down.
(DOOR CREAKING SOFTLY) What the hell do you think you're doing? I said never to call me here.
I already told you, I got plans with my wife.
She's making me take her out to dinner.
Don't cry.
L-Look, I hate it when you cry.
There's nothing I can do about this.
Now-now I got to go.
Well, you were right about the garage.
No sign of your glove.
Eh, it doesn't matter.
Let's get going or we'll miss the national anthem.
Honey, I don't think I can go.
What? I'm not feeling well.
You look fine to me.
You remember our trip to New Mexico? You mean, you got Yes.
I should stay close to a bathroom.
Well, they got bathrooms at the stadium.
I could never do that to total strangers.
Want me to stay home with you? Don't be silly.
(LAUGHS): Oh, good.
Thank God, 'cause I really want to go.
(DOOR CLOSES) April, it's Sheila.
My aunt is fine.
I can come hear you sing after all.
I'm happy, too.
It is so good to see you guys.
I just wish Mama could've made it.
How is she? - Nasty as ever.
- Mean as the day is long.
We work our fingers to the bone for that woman.
But it's never good enough for her.
VELMA: The doctor says she could live to be 100.
And she'll do it, just to spite us.
Well, look, I know she can be difficult to care for, and I wish I could help out more.
Oh, don't worry about it, sugar.
- We don't resent you.
- Not much, anyway.
Would be nice if you could take her off our hands every now and then.
Got an extra room in that big house of yours? Don't need to be fancy.
Oh, it could be the cellar for all we care.
(BOTH GRUNT) I would really like to help out, but it would be tricky, given my current living situation.
Okay, I meant to lead with this when I sat down, but the truth is I am no longer in an open marriage.
- You left Eli? - Thank you, Jesus.
No, I didn't leave Eli, I moved my lover into our home.
The three of us are officially a throuple.
Would it be okay if we tell Mama? 'Cause this will kill her.
APRIL: Sheila.
Look at you.
- You're lovely.
- Thanks.
Oh, I'm so nervous.
You're going to be great.
Hey, kid, you're on in ten.
Oh, thank you, Mr.
What are you looking for? It's silly.
Rob told me he can't make it.
I just I keep thinking maybe he'll surprise me.
Honey, you can't worry about that right now.
You've got a show to do.
You're right.
Thank you so much for being here.
- Knock 'em dead.
- (CHUCKLES) Okay.
(APPLAUSE) When I was just a little girl I asked my mother, "What will I be? Will I be pretty, will I be rich?" Here's what she said to me Que será, será Whatever will be, will be The future's not ours to see Que será, será What will be, will be Hey.
Well? It's good.
(SCOFFS) You hate it.
It's good.
- It's not great.
- Some of it's great.
The dialogue, the scenes in the diner Just-just skip to what sucks.
That would be your lead character.
(STAMMERS) What's wrong with Eva? She waits around for 15 pages hoping a man will save her.
She's a victim.
I hate victims.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, make her more proactive, sure.
And can't she do something interesting to get out of trouble? - What do you mean, interesting? - Like, on page 40, she's abandoned at the diner and totally broke, right? - Yeah.
- So, let her steal the owner's truck and then she drives to the drug dealer's house and starts a fire.
And when he runs out the front, she goes in the back and gets the money that he took from her.
And his gun.
She'd definitely take his gun.
Um, I mean, i-it's definitely more proactive.
It's just I don't know, I-I never saw Eva that way.
I mean, she's she's a nice girl.
Yeah, but nice girls, they break the law every day.
When they need to.
All right, I hear you.
There's more to Eva than meets the eye.
So now, get started, open your laptop, get to work.
You have 22 hours.
How did you come up with that stuff, anyway? Maybe there's more to me than meets the eye.
Sorry I'm late.
It's okay.
Are you clear on what to do? I guess.
Are we sure about this? I mean, if we get caught Yes.
It's very risky.
I suppose the smart thing to do is end this affair and never have sex again.
(ENGINE STARTS) ("MONY MONY" BY BILLY IDOL BEGINS) Here she comes now sayin' "Mony Mony" Shoot 'em down, turn around, come on, Mony You gotta toss and turn and feel all right Yeah, I feel all right, I said yeah, yeah - Yeah - Yeah - Yeah, yeah, yeah - Yeah, yeah, yeah - Cause you make me feel - Ride the pony - So good, so good - Ride the pony, ride the pony - So good - Mony Mony - So fine, so fine - Mony Mony, Mony Mony - It's all mine - Mony Mony, Mony Mony - Well, I feel all right - Mony Mony - I said yeah, yeah - Yeah, yeah - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah I don't know why Mrs.
Dubner's bed feels amazing.
It's the sheets.
They're Egyptian cotton.
How do you know that? I used to wash sheets like this when I worked in my father's laundry.
Your dad owned a laundry? You think I was born rich? Well yeah.
(LAUGHS) Not even close.
When I was 12, I used to covet things like this.
Once, I took some satin sheets home.
I wanted to see what it felt like to sleep on them, just for one night.
My mother caught me.
She was so angry.
She made me wash and iron them right there.
It was 2:00 in the morning.
And then she took them away.
- That's a shame.
- Mm.
Mother said, "If you want to sleep on expensive sheets, choose wisely who you sleep next to.
" So, uh, she basically told you to marry for money.
That's, uh, some really bad advice.
Well, I followed it twice.
I didn't think of marrying for love until Karl.
I never told that story before.
To anyone.
Thanks for telling me first.
If you really want to thank me, get over here.
(TOMMY CHUCKLES) (SIMONE CHUCKLES) Oh, I feel so badly about this.
(GROANS) After you went to all the trouble of taking me to the airport.
It's fine, Joyce.
Nobody expects you to get on a plane when you're feeling ill.
Oh, it's the plant van.
Tommy must be here.
So, finally, I confessed to Eli how much Jade meant to me, and he agreed to let her live with us, permanently.
Yes, I know, it's unconventional, and you probably don't approve, but it's working.
Well, as long as you're happy.
That's what matters.
Really? That's all you have to say? Since you asked, I have a question.
- Here we go.
- Do you still love Eli? - Of course.
- And you also love this woman? - Yes.
- I'm wondering, how do they feel about each other? Oh.
Well I knew she hadn't thought it through.
- Hadn't even crossed her mind.
- Mm-hmm.
Hold on.
Eli and Jade like each other.
- That's not a problem.
- Not yet.
What happens when he likes her more than you? What happens when she gets tired of sharing? - Where does that leave you, missy? - On the outside looking in, that's where.
That's not gonna happen.
It's not.
Obviously, we don't know Jade.
- So we can't judge her.
- But we know Eli.
We saw what he put you through.
Yes, we went through a dark time, but that was two years ago.
"A dark time"? The man's a drug addict.
Half your savings went up his nose.
The man's incapable of self-control.
And now he's got another woman in his bed? The hell did you think was gonna happen? Stop it! I know you're trying to bait me, but it's not gonna work.
I'm telling you, Eli has changed.
Oh, baby sister, men never change.
They just get better at keeping secrets.
Hello? It's Mrs.
You said she was going to France.
Yeah, my mom took her to the airport this morning.
Tommy, where are you? - Oh! - You have to hide! Make the bed.
I can't do both.
I know you think I'm a ridiculous hypochondriac, but the pain is real.
- NAOMI: You'll be fine.
- (MOUTHING WORDS) You just need to lie down in your room.
Did you miss your flight? I'm having a migraine.
I need to rest.
No, uh you can't go in there.
Why not? I, uh, just sprayed.
Sprayed? Uh, insecticide.
Your, uh, your ficus had a white fly.
- I've never seen any white fly.
- Yeah, well, they're they're pretty tiny see? Oh, my God.
Kill it! See, I-I didn't know that you would be back so soon, so I used a very strong insecticide.
You inhale those fumes with a migraine and (IMITATES EXPLOSION) You're right.
I can smell it.
Yeah, y-you better stay downstairs.
Don't just stand there, help her down.
(MOUTHING) We need you to run to the pharmacy.
Now? I'm out of medication.
Here's my prescription.
I should go open some windows in the bedroom.
To air it out.
- (EXHALES) - Oh, hurry.
Joyce is in agony.
Joyce is sick.
I have to go to the drugstore.
Well, how am I supposed to get out of here? I don't know.
(RINGING) - Hello? - Karl, it's me.
I need your help.
Speak up, I can hardly hear you.
I'm trapped in Joyce Dubner's house.
Oh, dear, is she telling her appendectomy story again? She doesn't know I'm here, and neither does Naomi.
Sorry, Naomi's there? (WHISPERING): Yes, and I'm trapped upstairs.
Upstairs? Would this have anything to do with the affair you're not having? (HARSH WHISPER): Now is not the time! Oh, what a nasty tone.
I think I'm gonna hang up.
All right, all right, fine, fine.
I'm having an affair.
Now can you please come over here and create a distraction so I can get out? What are husbands for? Eli? Hey, Eli.
Eli, hey.
- Hmm? - You fell asleep.
- Oh, my God, what time is it? - It's 4:00 in the morning.
What? Oh, shit.
- How much have you done? - 61 pages.
The good news is that I think the story's working, but, I mean, I don't know, I can't tell, 'cause I'm just so tired I can't even think.
Well, you have to keep going.
- Lamar expects the script by breakfast.
- I know, I know.
I've been writing for ten hours straight.
Believe me when I tell you that there is no tank left in the gas.
No, that's right.
Hold on, I have something.
Here we go.
Take this.
What is that? I get pills to help with my ADHD.
They give you a lift and they help you focus.
Uh I don't think I should.
It's fine.
It's not a big deal.
Like, college kids take them all the time to cram for midterms and shit.
Yeah No, thank you.
Okay, it's your choice.
Fuck it, give me the pill.
Are you sure? Yes, yes.
I need to finish the script.
What are you doing here? Hand-delivering you my script.
You couldn't send it by e-mail? No, no, no, I could not, because I needed to look you in the eye when I told you that it's not done.
- Oh, come on - But, but, I finished 80 pages, and it's great.
So great that you're gonna call me, and you're going to apologize for ever considering dropping me as a client.
You're gonna say, "Eli, this is fucking brilliant.
"I can't fucking wait to see how it ends.
You, my friend, are one fucking talented motherfucker.
" Hey, sweetie.
I didn't see you there.
I'm shutting the door now.
As well you should.
I found your sleep mask.
Bring it here.
There's too much light.
(MOUTHING WORDS) (TIRES SCREECHING) What the hell was that?! Somebody just rammed into my car.
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES DOWNSTAIRS) Karl? - What have you done? - I'm so sorry.
I-I swerved to avoid a kitten.
Isn't this Joyce Dubner's house? Yes.
So, where-where's Joyce? - (GASPS) - Naomi? You're back quickly.
What happened out there? Naomi? (COUGHING) Oh, you must be inhaling fumes.
You better get some water.
(COUGHS) (CONVERSING INDISTINCTLY) Hey What happened here? I just brought Joyce home from the airport.
She's ill, and your husband just crashed into my car.
KARL: Yes, and I was out for a drive and had to swerve to avoid hitting a puppy.
I thought it was a kitten.
Well, it had fur and moved quickly.
Anyway, crash.
Oh, good, Tommy's back.
Back? Well, he was here spraying the plants in Joyce's bedroom, and I sent him to the drugstore for her pills.
Well, wasn't that lucky, dear? Seems Tommy was right there in the bedroom ready to be useful.
Well, I'll see you at home, Karl.
I have to finish my jog.
Do you, darling? 'Cause I'm pretty sure the jog is up.
I can't understand why you're not happy.
Tonight was a triumph.
You should be dancing in the street.
I know.
Guess I just really hoped Rob would show up.
Sweetie, it's going to be okay.
No, it's not.
It's not going to be okay ever again.
Well, why not? (SIGHS) Because I'm falling in love with him.
JADE: Eli? What's going on? - Hey.
- Hey.
I just got a call from Lamar.
What did he say? He said it's the best thing I've ever written.
- Really? - Yeah.
He said it's smart and exciting and that the character of Eva is "deliciously complex.
" And then he told me to not fuck up the ending, but, I mean, the point is, he loved it.
- I'm so happy for you.
- Oh, my God.
(STAMMERS) How do I even begin to say thank you? I didn't do much.
Yes, you did.
You know you did.
And if I was actually good at what I do, I would come up with something better than just "thank you," but for now, that's all I got, so thank you.
- No, look, I'll take it, - Thank you.
- I'll take it.
- Thank you.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, uh A-Are we allowed to do this without Taylor? (SIGHS) I'm not not sure.
You think I'm stupid, don't you? I would never say that.
(SIGHS) Now this was not the plan.
I was not supposed to care this much.
When he didn't show up tonight, it just hit me.
What am I gonna do now? I have a hunch he's happier at home than he's led you to believe.
Which means he'll continue to disappoint you.
You don't need that right now.
Your career is finally taking off.
You should be enjoying this time, not mooning over some other woman's husband.
I mean, why would he even be with me if he was so happy with her? (SCOFFS) Maybe she did something to hurt him and he needs time to forgive her.
I don't really understand that.
It's late.
I should go.
And you should get some sleep.
You are such a good friend.
I think you're maybe the best I've ever had.
You really were wonderful tonight.
- Um - I need to use your bathroom.
Oh, uh, it's a mess.
Can I just clean up first? No! Is everything okay? Um, I I may be in here a while.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Oh Hey, baby.
Hi What are you, what are you doing here? I wanted to come hear about your show.
APRIL: Oh, it went great.
Oh, good.
Mm, we should celebrate.
Oh, I can't.
My friend is here.
- I don't see anybody.
- (CHUCKLES) She's in the bathroom.
(GROANING) What's wrong with her? I think she has diarrhea.
Lot of that going around.
- (CHUCKLES) - Come here.
Can we talk tomorrow? I'm here now.
Now is not a good time.
And I have something important to tell you.
Don't tell him.
Not now.
What is it? - No.
You're drunk.
- I had two beers.
- Come on, give me, give me a hint.
- (CHUCKLES) APRIL: Well (SIGHS) I have been doing a lot of thinking about us, and I realized something.
Are you breaking up with me? God, no.
- (APRIL CHUCKLES) I'm in love with you.
(EXHALES) - Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- (GROANS) I just I just thought it would be nice to know how you felt about me.
I'm not leaving my wife.
Yeah, no, I'm not asking you to.
See, I think you are.
I think you're too drunk to have this conversation.
When you start using the "L word," a guy can sober up pretty quick.
You don't love me? I think you're great.
You think I'm great? That's your response? You knew the rules.
I was very clear.
I will never leave my wife! - APRIL: Please don't yell at me.
- ROB: Well, you're making me angry! (CRYING): Okay, okay, okay.
I-I (SHUDDERING INHALE) (EXHALES) So where does that leave me? I don't know.
I think that you should go.
You okay? Yeah, he usually doesn't speak to me that way.
He's normally very kind.
Oh, honey.
Well, I hope his wife appreciates how lucky she is.
I'm not sure she's that lucky.
KARL: So Tommy Harte.
I know he's a bit young A bit? When I met him, he was eight.
And you were heterosexual.
And now this child is your lover? Who knew there was such a fine line between adultery and day care? Bugger off, Karl.
You have no right to judge me.
I'm not judging you, I'm just teasing.
If anything, I'm happy for us.
Drink? Brandy.
What do you mean you're happy for us? Well, don't you see? We don't need to get a divorce.
We have stumbled into the perfect arrangement.
You will have your lovers and I will have mine, and then we will come home to sparkling conversation.
It's very European.
It doesn't bother you that I'm having sex with someone else? Darling, I'm gay.
Look, for me, sex with a woman is like emptying the dishwasher.
I mean, I'll do it if I'm asked, but if someone else volunteers, I won't complain.
You know I love this shirt.
You might've asked for vodka.
I don't understand.
How can you not be jealous? Sorry, wait, you want me to be jealous of Tommy Harte? He's jealous of you! So he should be.
I'm the husband.
Not for long.
Oh, what are you gonna do, divorce me and marry Tommy? - Maybe I will.
- Oh, good.
Well, I'll get you a gift.
Where will you be registered? Fisher-Price? Everything is not a joke, Karl.
You're not being funny, you're being cruel.
Oh, darling, I'm not trying to be cruel.
- I love you.
- No, you don't! Not the way I need.
I want a man who loves me so much that he would kill another man if I slept with someone else.
And I'm never gonna get that from you, am I? No.
But you're my best friend.
It's not enough.
Yeah? Hey, babe.
Why are you whispering? Oh, I was just, I was writing, so, you know (COUGHS) takes me a minute to get out of the "in my head" voice and back into the "out loud" voice.
- How did everything go? - Oh, the conference was great, and my sisters are my sisters.
(LAUGHS) - Yeah.
- Look, if you're working, I don't want to stop you.
Um, is Jade up? I can talk to her.
Uh I-I-I think she's walking the dog.
It's a little late for that, no? Yeah, but, you know (CHUCKLES) dog can't tell time, so (CHUCKLES) I'm, uh I'm glad you checked in.
Um, I love you.
I love you, too.