Wild West (2002) s02e05 Episode Script
Film Crew
Give us a length of 125 up here now, please.
Can we have the extras down in five minutes, please? Move if you don't want to get hurt! God! - Not a sign of Julia Roberts.
- Jeff said he saw her by the bus stop.
Roberts at a bus stop? She hasn't used public transport since Pretty Prostitute.
This filming is just what the village needed.
Yeah.
Load of namby-pambies putting on make-up and slowing up the traffic.
The missing piece in the jigsaw of our lives.
l could have been an actress.
You're mad, needy and insecure enough to be one, yeah.
You don't want to be an actress, Ange! Look at Maureen Lipman.
Comes in here, buys a hairclip, didn't even comment on your lovely new ears.
- lt's true, actually.
- Yes.
Morning.
l couldn't get the van near so you'll have to make do with Quavers and cotton wool balls.
- Did you see the movie people? - lt's not a movie.
lt's TV.
- A drama called Lost! - Last? No, Lost! With an exclamation mark.
Apparently they toyed with just Lost, but it works better as Lost! - What's it about? - lt's about a family who getlost! Sorry.
Lost.
That's a quiet one.
Were they kidnapped by a mysterious Druid cult consisting largely of surfers? Or is there a more sinister explanation? Well, none of this filming better disrupt our business, that's all l can say.
They don't care what they do to get a shot.
Last year, a film crew cleared aware four ancient trees, destroyed a floral clock and killed a pensioner.
- Film about a dog with special powers.
- Oh, l saw that.
Beautifully judged performances.
An enchanting soufflé.
- Morning.
- Morning, Shaft.
- Calm yourself.
- (Both giggle) Enough foreplay.
l'm here to oversee the filming.
We want harmony between the TV folk and the community rather than the fighting that accompanied the Antiques Roadshow.
Have you seen them out there filming? l got some script pages.
- They write it down, do they? - Apparently Ewan McGregor's in it! Jeff saw him on the bypass hitchhiking in.
Was it not him? Druids sitting around eating pasties? That's a bit of a cliché.
- Yeah, it's disappointing.
- Do the smugglers hold up the tin mine? - Page three.
- Oh, OK.
l suppose the thing is TV drama offers an escape from reality.
- lt does.
- Although you prefer Drinking.
Cheers.
Have you ever said, ''Oo-arr, cocker, my loverly?'' Have you ever knowingly formed your craggy Cornish features into an ancient flinty grimace? Not knowingly, no.
lt would be nice, just once, to see the real Cornwall.
Yes.
(Coughs) No.
Hi.
l wonder if you could help me.
l'm looking for Hel-lo.
- Blood to groin, blood to groin.
- Hey Yep.
Ooh-hoo-hoo, nice.
Very nice.
Ooh, yeah.
Bit pointless, me making these noises.
l'm sorry but l'm gonna have to have her.
She's coming over.
Hello.
Can l dry you a bink? Ermhi.
Are you Jake Trethowan? - Are you from the council? - No.
- lnland Revenue? - No.
- lnterpol? - No.
Yes, l am Jake Trethowan.
Hello, l'm Victoria.
l'm your daughter.
What? You slept with my mother when she was on holiday here in 1985.
Sorry, this must be a terrible shock for you.
And me.
Oh, he polishes up nice.
ln the right light he looks like George Clooney after 40 years out in all weathers on a boat.
And a massive stroke.
This is my mother, Linda.
l remember Linda.
And she always told me this was you.
- lt isn't, is it? - No.
- You're not related to me, are you? - No.
- Have you seen this? - Yeah.
We were a bit disappointed.
Disappointed? l was physically sick.
Wasn't l, Ange? - No.
- Well, not physically sick.
But this makes Heartbeat look like Chekov'sCherry Tree Sisters.
Oh, it has some nice moments.
That bit where the surfers sing while they're waxing their boards! To be fair, that is good.
l'm sorry but l'm gonna have to complain.
Excuse me, Jeff, a glass of red wine for my daughter, please.
- Sorry, Jake.
- Sorry, Jake.
Yes, this is Victoria.
- Hello.
- She turned 18 yesterday and her mother told her everything, so, erm now l am a, erfather.
- Must be a terrible shock for you.
- Yes.
- No, for Victoria.
- Yes, it is.
But sweet man.
Hello, Victoria.
l'm Holly.
l run the Witchcraft Centre.
- Wow.
- lt's not all pickled foreskins.
Although we do have the largest range in Europe.
Hello, Victoria.
l'm Angela and this is Mary and we run the local shop.
- You name it, we've got it.
- l need shampoo.
- Haven't got any of that.
- l need some tampons, actually.
- You are from London, aren't you, love? - Yes.
We don't say things like that down here.
We tend to go Yeah.
Or we just mime it, although not in the case of You can use my ln fact, you should come and stay with me.
- You could stay in my campervan.
- (All) No! Or l could just stay at my dad's house.
lt could do with a bit of a tidy-up first, couldn't it, Jake? With a blowtorch.
Mind your backs.
- Out of the way, you twat.
- l want to speak to someone in charge.
- Lady in red wants a word! - Hello, yes, l'm the producer.
l'm Mary Trewednack and l have lived in this village man and boy.
And l object to the depiction of Cornish people in your TV mini-drama.
- l'm sorry.
- Also (Mobile phone) - Hey, where are you? - Shame on you! Shame! When someone's talking to you! - God! - Sorry! Not only do l object to the depiction of Cornish people as nincompoops on a par with the people of Devon but also my delivery man has had to park his van halfway up that flappin' hill, miles from my shop! - Right.
Erm - (Mobile phone) - l am in the middle of - Give me that.
Right.
Right, er OK.
l could probably get some of our crew to carry the goods to you.
No, no, no.
What you could probably do is give my friend Ange and me a part in your cockin' film.
Look, look, no, l Angela is very talented.
She's done some of the acting in the past.
And acting is a bit of a doddle, isn't it? We all know that.
- lt's really not going to work.
- Harry.
Harry.
Round everyone up cos we'll have to cancel the filming.
Shame.
Hang on.
What? These narrow Cornish streets lend themselves to some direct action from disgruntled nincompoops.
Holly, we're gonna have to cancel the filming, mate.
Aw.
No, we've cleared this with the local council and the police force.
The local council is run by and for six mad people and l'm sleeping with the local police force so he's on my side if he wants to have sex ever again, which l know he does because he's got nuts the size of a space hopper.
Right.
Well, maybe l can create a small part for you.
- And Ange? - Yes.
- That's not Ange.
She's in the shop.
- Fine, yes.
Right.
Right.
l think you'll find you'll be holding auditions for other aspiring locals with a view to benefiting from their home-grown talents, too.
- Yep.
- Great.
Right.
Thank you.
What's your name, boy? - Graham.
- Cheer up, Gray.
Hey? lf you ever want a real job, they need a postman up in Goomwillie.
- Cheers.
- (Mobile phone) Leave it! l couldn't sleep last night, what with this news, so l had time to tidy up.
- l'm sure it didn't need it.
- l filled 39 bin bags full of rubbish.
- Maybe it did.
- Yeah.
Nice to see theer, floor again.
- l love toast for breakfast, don't you? - Mm.
You sleep well at Holly's? - Oh, yes.
She's lovely.
- Yep.
- So she's a witch? - Eryep.
- ls that normal around here? - Ernope.
So you're nota wizard, then? (Laughs) Do l look like one? Yes.
Oh.
Well, er Take a seat.
Help yourself to orange squash.
Oh, and l managed to borrow some cottage cheese.
l know you teenage girls like that.
- This isn't all a joke, is it? - What? Oh, no! l'd have loved to have helped choose your name.
Don't you like Victoria? - l'd have named you after my mother.
- What was she called? Pixie-Marie.
Old Cornish name.
Hm.
lt's lovely.
ln fact, l think you were conceived in my boat, so you should probably have been called Rose.
You know, rows.
- Was it quite windy? - Yeah, it was, actually.
l suppose you could have gone for Gail then.
So you think you might move down here? Yeah, l'd like to.
Tired of London, so Good.
Good.
- Plenty of toast left.
- Thanks.
- Script's arrived! - (Angela) Whoo! Come on, what have they dreamt up for us? Well, it's less to learn, isn't it? You realise this could be my big break? Yeah! How would you say my line? There.
(Mysteriously) lt might be that road, my lover, or or it might be that road.
(Gasping) Oh! So not (Frantically) lt might be that road, my lover, or it might be that road.
No, slower! We haven't got much to do so we've got to make it last.
Although show folk have a saying There are no small parts, only small actors.
Lovely.
l think Mini cocking Driver would call this a small part.
You.
How do you see your character? l think she's very much like me, she looks just like me, but she's more confused about directions.
Lose the glasses.
Oh, yes, that's it.
That's divine.
When an actor develops a character they often start with shoes or a hat.
- l always work from the pants.
- From the pants? So, if you were playing a nurse in Casualty - Small pants.
- Bond girl? - No pants.
- No pants.
Right.
Joan of Arc would of course be asbestos pants or brown pants? - Thong.
- lnteresting ? My Bonnie lies over the ocean ? My Bonnie lies over the sea My Bonnie lies over the ocean Have you ever thought about getting a TV? - Nope.
- CD player? - Nope.
- DVD? Nope.
l don't like things made up of initials.
You'd think we'd have a lot to catch up on.
Yes! You can't beat this kind of music, can you? Well l was thinking of ordering some of those reusable eyelets for the boat that everyone's talking about this year.
l was thinking of heading off around the coast with my backpack for a few days.
Oh.
OK.
Already bored with your old dad? Your new dad.
Your new old dad.
lcan be more interesting than this.
No! God, no, it's fantastic here.
Then l might go back to London at the end of the week.
They say the weather's on the turn l'm getting it.
l am getting it.
Hang on.
They say the weather's on the turn.
- Great.
Thanks.
- No, hold on, hold on.
They say No, l'm not feeling it.
They say the weather's on the turn.
l'm gonna recite a bit from A Midsummer Night's Dream.
That's not allowed.
l learnt it at school.
l thought l might as well use it.
Hey, do actors still say ''rhubarb'' when they're chatting in the background? No, they've probably moved on to a more modern fruit like kiwi or mango.
- l think he went that way, mango.
- Kiwi, mango, cumquat That's it.
l've got 20 people waiting.
You've been here for half an hour.
Just give me a chance, all right! Next! No! l know a bank where the wild thyme blows, where oxlips and the nodding violet grows.
Maybe he's got a limp.
(Sings) Hey, nonny-nonny and a ho, ninny-ninny.
So no one in the village got picked as extras, then.
No.
Apparently Doug took it really badly.
He insisted on working his way through Oklahoma.
- l think he's still going.
- Have you learnt your line yet? No.
l don't know what l was thinking of, getting us these parts.
As if we haven't got anything better to do.
- We haven't! - This terrible obsession with fame.
A once proud nation of contented shopkeepers has turned into a nation of tearful wannabe pop stars and crap Jennifer Lopez impersonators.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Nobody's allowed to just lead a quiet life with a nice underpaid job that they enjoy moaning about.
Methinks the lady doth protest too much.
- Eugh.
- Now, you see, that's good.
- Look at the rage in that face.
- Huh? ls it good? The rage? Cos l could use that.
- Morning.
- Morning.
Who's the sexiest sub-post mistress within a parabola stretching from Truro to Falmouth? - Me.
- That is correct.
Ooh.
That's the devil's fridge.
Shall lstay over tonight? l would like that.
As we're approaching the weekend we might be ready to graduate tosex.
Or even somenine.
You dirty beast.
Just to mark your card.
- Morning.
- Doug.
- Filming going all right, is it? - Yes, fine.
Liaising with the leading actors.
Utterly normal people.
We've had eye contact several times.
- Good luck to 'em.
- l better go.
Big crowd scene tomorrow.
Eight extras.
You've got teenage children, haven't you, Doug? Yep.
Doug Jr and Heather.
Although she now only answers to Tamzin.
l'm not hitting it off with my daughter and Has she called you a capitalist running dog yet? - No.
- That'll come.
Has she screamed at you in Asda yet, told you to get lost and die in a ditch? - No.
- Still, she was talking to me then.
They're all on drugs, you know.
ls this helping? Bye.
- Hello, Holly.
- Jake! Or should l say, Daddy! - l'm not yours as well, am l? - (Laughs) No.
What can l do for you? Hey, we've got some great new nodding toads just in.
All the fun of the nodding dog, but in toad form.
- Yep, no thanks.
- You all right? l'm worried about my daughter, Victoria.
l can't communicate with her.
Not used to girls.
- Oh, Jakey.
- There are long silences between us.
Silences can be like magical breaths in the conversation of time.
Well, these aren't.
So you want to know how to talk to young women without being punched.
Yeah.
l want to know everything - how they think, how they speak, what they're interested in, their hopes and their fears.
- Oh, gosh.
- l've got eight minutes.
- Are you nervous about tomorrow? - What's happening tomorrow? The filming! You'll be found out if you don't put the work in.
- What? - Anyone coming to bed at all? Soon.
What do you mean, found out? Ready when you are.
Have you thought about your character's background, her social situation, her walk? What, bystander no.
1? No! l'll just turn up, face the front and speak loudly.
- Really? - Yes.
OK Erl've spent the day studying the professionals.
Picked up a few little tricks of the trade.
(lmitates TV actors) He's doing fine.
Gave himself a few bruises in the seizure but hasn't done any permanent damage.
What caused the seizure? Was it from the accident? (Both) As if we haven't got enough to worry about.
l've never been more ready than l am now, it's fair to say.
Really quite keen to get on with this.
- What happened, Dave? - What happened, Dave? Why were you up the scaffolding in the first place? That's enough of that.
You've got to stop this, Ange.
This filming is taking over your life.
Look, l simply want to do a nice little bit of acting and then go back to my quiet life.
Oh, all right, l admit it! l wanna be famous! l want people to recognise me in the street! l want people to start rumours that maybe l've had my lips done! l wanna wear diamond shoes! lt's OK.
No rush now.
l'vebought us a bit of time.
Yeah, that's good.
You're a bit early, Jakey.
lt's not France, you know, where everyone starts the day with a glass of wine, and knowing them, a bag of snails and a shag.
- No, l've come for a chat.
- How's that daughter of yours? l hope you appreciate the fact that l've respected her and not made a move, even though she's obviously playing with a full set of - What did l say? - For God's sake, it's his daughter! Although he does have a point.
There's not much wrong with those puppies.
Hm.
Fair dos.
Victoria's due back today and she's planning to go back to London because l'm obviously coming across as a crusty old bore.
- Can't argue with reality, Jake.
- Yeah.
See that, Jake? That's the generation gap.
She's on this side.
Smart, attractive, looking for a screw - this being a screwdriver Work with me.
And you're on the other side.
Rusty and immovable.
Do you want me to run through that again? lt fell apart in the middle.
(Stammering) No, l want you to do me a makeover.
- What? - Make me look like a young man again.
Well, not young, but like the kind of dad an 18-year-old would be proud of.
Tremendous.
ln you go.
Long, thin, probably vital piece of equipment.
Harry! Here we go.
Wa-hey! Jakey! - Which aftershave did you use? - Vibration, by Man ln A Hurry.
OK, Jakey.
So what kind of dad are you? Approachable and relaxed.
- Who are your favourite singers? - ErmFrank Sinatra, - BlueBlair - Blur.
Blur.
And for my more upbeat moments, Miss Dynami-titty.
- Right on! - Go on with your bad self.
Orange juice, please, Jeff.
- Hello, Dad.
- Hello, Victoria.
Look at you! Look at you.
l've been reading this book about the history of boats and boating in Cornwall.
- Fascinating stuff.
- Yep.
l've been listening to a lot of Coldplay.
You're not happy in that, are you? Well, that's not really you either, is it? No.
Maybe we should meet in the middle.
God, Dad.
What's that aftershave? You should wear Old Spice or whatever old guys wear.
You let me choose my own smells and l won't tell you what to wear.
- l'm getting a tattoo.
- Oh, no, you're not, young lady.
- Just a small one.
- No, no, no.
l'm crapping myself now, Ange.
l really am.
(Does vocal exercises) l told you you should have practised.
Ma-maaaa Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-maa l'm surprised you had to do your own make-up.
l know.
l was looking forward to being smeared by a gossipy gay man with magic hands and a big brush.
OK, shall we get this done? Yes.
Where's the director? l'm doing it.
He's eroff on a recce.
OK.
Right.
OK.
- Stunning.
- Break a leg.
- Don't say that! - Thank you.
Bit of hush! - And action.
- Which way is it? lt might be that road, my lover, or it might be that road.
You never know where you are on Bodmin Moor.
The mist hangs like a silver curtain, a curtain in a cold space.
(Sobs) And cut.
Was that OK? l added that last bit at the end.
l hope that was all right.
- OK.
Thank you.
- Great.
Can we go again? No, that was pretty definitive.
OK, we're done here.
Thank you.
Lens cap on, is it? Power switch off, is it? - Bastards though, eh? - Oh, no.
lt's OK.
l think it happens a lot.
lt keeps costs down if you don't turn the camera on.
- You were good, though.
- Oh, stop it.
- Was l? - Yeah.
Do you know what l'd do if l was a star? l'd have myself immortalised in wet concrete outside the Palladium.
Oh, yeah! What, hands or feet? - Erbackside, l thought.
- Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
- Unusual.
- Yeah.
lt'd only take one to get the ball rolling.
Pretty soon we'd have Ewan McGregor's arse out there in the concrete.
We'd have Jude Law's arse out there in the concrete.
And we'd have Glenda Jackson's arse Oh, here we go.
Chaos today during the making of Lost!, a TV drama being filmed in and around St Gweep, when an unattended delivery van crashed down the hill, destroying several film vehicles and scenery.
- There he is! Doug! - Dougie! lt came down the hillthere.
l blame vand-igansvandals.
Hooligans.
Unsurprisingly, filming was abandoned.
That's all from me.
Well, he had his moment of glory, didn't he, old Doug.
Yeah.
l knew l could turn her brains l knew l could turn her brains into scrambled eggs just by lookin' at her.
- (Phil) l wouldn't 'ave 'it 'er - l wouldn't 'ave 'it 'er.
- 'Specially not with Lou there.
- 'Specially not with Lou there.
Can we have the extras down in five minutes, please? Move if you don't want to get hurt! God! - Not a sign of Julia Roberts.
- Jeff said he saw her by the bus stop.
Roberts at a bus stop? She hasn't used public transport since Pretty Prostitute.
This filming is just what the village needed.
Yeah.
Load of namby-pambies putting on make-up and slowing up the traffic.
The missing piece in the jigsaw of our lives.
l could have been an actress.
You're mad, needy and insecure enough to be one, yeah.
You don't want to be an actress, Ange! Look at Maureen Lipman.
Comes in here, buys a hairclip, didn't even comment on your lovely new ears.
- lt's true, actually.
- Yes.
Morning.
l couldn't get the van near so you'll have to make do with Quavers and cotton wool balls.
- Did you see the movie people? - lt's not a movie.
lt's TV.
- A drama called Lost! - Last? No, Lost! With an exclamation mark.
Apparently they toyed with just Lost, but it works better as Lost! - What's it about? - lt's about a family who getlost! Sorry.
Lost.
That's a quiet one.
Were they kidnapped by a mysterious Druid cult consisting largely of surfers? Or is there a more sinister explanation? Well, none of this filming better disrupt our business, that's all l can say.
They don't care what they do to get a shot.
Last year, a film crew cleared aware four ancient trees, destroyed a floral clock and killed a pensioner.
- Film about a dog with special powers.
- Oh, l saw that.
Beautifully judged performances.
An enchanting soufflé.
- Morning.
- Morning, Shaft.
- Calm yourself.
- (Both giggle) Enough foreplay.
l'm here to oversee the filming.
We want harmony between the TV folk and the community rather than the fighting that accompanied the Antiques Roadshow.
Have you seen them out there filming? l got some script pages.
- They write it down, do they? - Apparently Ewan McGregor's in it! Jeff saw him on the bypass hitchhiking in.
Was it not him? Druids sitting around eating pasties? That's a bit of a cliché.
- Yeah, it's disappointing.
- Do the smugglers hold up the tin mine? - Page three.
- Oh, OK.
l suppose the thing is TV drama offers an escape from reality.
- lt does.
- Although you prefer Drinking.
Cheers.
Have you ever said, ''Oo-arr, cocker, my loverly?'' Have you ever knowingly formed your craggy Cornish features into an ancient flinty grimace? Not knowingly, no.
lt would be nice, just once, to see the real Cornwall.
Yes.
(Coughs) No.
Hi.
l wonder if you could help me.
l'm looking for Hel-lo.
- Blood to groin, blood to groin.
- Hey Yep.
Ooh-hoo-hoo, nice.
Very nice.
Ooh, yeah.
Bit pointless, me making these noises.
l'm sorry but l'm gonna have to have her.
She's coming over.
Hello.
Can l dry you a bink? Ermhi.
Are you Jake Trethowan? - Are you from the council? - No.
- lnland Revenue? - No.
- lnterpol? - No.
Yes, l am Jake Trethowan.
Hello, l'm Victoria.
l'm your daughter.
What? You slept with my mother when she was on holiday here in 1985.
Sorry, this must be a terrible shock for you.
And me.
Oh, he polishes up nice.
ln the right light he looks like George Clooney after 40 years out in all weathers on a boat.
And a massive stroke.
This is my mother, Linda.
l remember Linda.
And she always told me this was you.
- lt isn't, is it? - No.
- You're not related to me, are you? - No.
- Have you seen this? - Yeah.
We were a bit disappointed.
Disappointed? l was physically sick.
Wasn't l, Ange? - No.
- Well, not physically sick.
But this makes Heartbeat look like Chekov'sCherry Tree Sisters.
Oh, it has some nice moments.
That bit where the surfers sing while they're waxing their boards! To be fair, that is good.
l'm sorry but l'm gonna have to complain.
Excuse me, Jeff, a glass of red wine for my daughter, please.
- Sorry, Jake.
- Sorry, Jake.
Yes, this is Victoria.
- Hello.
- She turned 18 yesterday and her mother told her everything, so, erm now l am a, erfather.
- Must be a terrible shock for you.
- Yes.
- No, for Victoria.
- Yes, it is.
But sweet man.
Hello, Victoria.
l'm Holly.
l run the Witchcraft Centre.
- Wow.
- lt's not all pickled foreskins.
Although we do have the largest range in Europe.
Hello, Victoria.
l'm Angela and this is Mary and we run the local shop.
- You name it, we've got it.
- l need shampoo.
- Haven't got any of that.
- l need some tampons, actually.
- You are from London, aren't you, love? - Yes.
We don't say things like that down here.
We tend to go Yeah.
Or we just mime it, although not in the case of You can use my ln fact, you should come and stay with me.
- You could stay in my campervan.
- (All) No! Or l could just stay at my dad's house.
lt could do with a bit of a tidy-up first, couldn't it, Jake? With a blowtorch.
Mind your backs.
- Out of the way, you twat.
- l want to speak to someone in charge.
- Lady in red wants a word! - Hello, yes, l'm the producer.
l'm Mary Trewednack and l have lived in this village man and boy.
And l object to the depiction of Cornish people in your TV mini-drama.
- l'm sorry.
- Also (Mobile phone) - Hey, where are you? - Shame on you! Shame! When someone's talking to you! - God! - Sorry! Not only do l object to the depiction of Cornish people as nincompoops on a par with the people of Devon but also my delivery man has had to park his van halfway up that flappin' hill, miles from my shop! - Right.
Erm - (Mobile phone) - l am in the middle of - Give me that.
Right.
Right, er OK.
l could probably get some of our crew to carry the goods to you.
No, no, no.
What you could probably do is give my friend Ange and me a part in your cockin' film.
Look, look, no, l Angela is very talented.
She's done some of the acting in the past.
And acting is a bit of a doddle, isn't it? We all know that.
- lt's really not going to work.
- Harry.
Harry.
Round everyone up cos we'll have to cancel the filming.
Shame.
Hang on.
What? These narrow Cornish streets lend themselves to some direct action from disgruntled nincompoops.
Holly, we're gonna have to cancel the filming, mate.
Aw.
No, we've cleared this with the local council and the police force.
The local council is run by and for six mad people and l'm sleeping with the local police force so he's on my side if he wants to have sex ever again, which l know he does because he's got nuts the size of a space hopper.
Right.
Well, maybe l can create a small part for you.
- And Ange? - Yes.
- That's not Ange.
She's in the shop.
- Fine, yes.
Right.
Right.
l think you'll find you'll be holding auditions for other aspiring locals with a view to benefiting from their home-grown talents, too.
- Yep.
- Great.
Right.
Thank you.
What's your name, boy? - Graham.
- Cheer up, Gray.
Hey? lf you ever want a real job, they need a postman up in Goomwillie.
- Cheers.
- (Mobile phone) Leave it! l couldn't sleep last night, what with this news, so l had time to tidy up.
- l'm sure it didn't need it.
- l filled 39 bin bags full of rubbish.
- Maybe it did.
- Yeah.
Nice to see theer, floor again.
- l love toast for breakfast, don't you? - Mm.
You sleep well at Holly's? - Oh, yes.
She's lovely.
- Yep.
- So she's a witch? - Eryep.
- ls that normal around here? - Ernope.
So you're nota wizard, then? (Laughs) Do l look like one? Yes.
Oh.
Well, er Take a seat.
Help yourself to orange squash.
Oh, and l managed to borrow some cottage cheese.
l know you teenage girls like that.
- This isn't all a joke, is it? - What? Oh, no! l'd have loved to have helped choose your name.
Don't you like Victoria? - l'd have named you after my mother.
- What was she called? Pixie-Marie.
Old Cornish name.
Hm.
lt's lovely.
ln fact, l think you were conceived in my boat, so you should probably have been called Rose.
You know, rows.
- Was it quite windy? - Yeah, it was, actually.
l suppose you could have gone for Gail then.
So you think you might move down here? Yeah, l'd like to.
Tired of London, so Good.
Good.
- Plenty of toast left.
- Thanks.
- Script's arrived! - (Angela) Whoo! Come on, what have they dreamt up for us? Well, it's less to learn, isn't it? You realise this could be my big break? Yeah! How would you say my line? There.
(Mysteriously) lt might be that road, my lover, or or it might be that road.
(Gasping) Oh! So not (Frantically) lt might be that road, my lover, or it might be that road.
No, slower! We haven't got much to do so we've got to make it last.
Although show folk have a saying There are no small parts, only small actors.
Lovely.
l think Mini cocking Driver would call this a small part.
You.
How do you see your character? l think she's very much like me, she looks just like me, but she's more confused about directions.
Lose the glasses.
Oh, yes, that's it.
That's divine.
When an actor develops a character they often start with shoes or a hat.
- l always work from the pants.
- From the pants? So, if you were playing a nurse in Casualty - Small pants.
- Bond girl? - No pants.
- No pants.
Right.
Joan of Arc would of course be asbestos pants or brown pants? - Thong.
- lnteresting ? My Bonnie lies over the ocean ? My Bonnie lies over the sea My Bonnie lies over the ocean Have you ever thought about getting a TV? - Nope.
- CD player? - Nope.
- DVD? Nope.
l don't like things made up of initials.
You'd think we'd have a lot to catch up on.
Yes! You can't beat this kind of music, can you? Well l was thinking of ordering some of those reusable eyelets for the boat that everyone's talking about this year.
l was thinking of heading off around the coast with my backpack for a few days.
Oh.
OK.
Already bored with your old dad? Your new dad.
Your new old dad.
lcan be more interesting than this.
No! God, no, it's fantastic here.
Then l might go back to London at the end of the week.
They say the weather's on the turn l'm getting it.
l am getting it.
Hang on.
They say the weather's on the turn.
- Great.
Thanks.
- No, hold on, hold on.
They say No, l'm not feeling it.
They say the weather's on the turn.
l'm gonna recite a bit from A Midsummer Night's Dream.
That's not allowed.
l learnt it at school.
l thought l might as well use it.
Hey, do actors still say ''rhubarb'' when they're chatting in the background? No, they've probably moved on to a more modern fruit like kiwi or mango.
- l think he went that way, mango.
- Kiwi, mango, cumquat That's it.
l've got 20 people waiting.
You've been here for half an hour.
Just give me a chance, all right! Next! No! l know a bank where the wild thyme blows, where oxlips and the nodding violet grows.
Maybe he's got a limp.
(Sings) Hey, nonny-nonny and a ho, ninny-ninny.
So no one in the village got picked as extras, then.
No.
Apparently Doug took it really badly.
He insisted on working his way through Oklahoma.
- l think he's still going.
- Have you learnt your line yet? No.
l don't know what l was thinking of, getting us these parts.
As if we haven't got anything better to do.
- We haven't! - This terrible obsession with fame.
A once proud nation of contented shopkeepers has turned into a nation of tearful wannabe pop stars and crap Jennifer Lopez impersonators.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Nobody's allowed to just lead a quiet life with a nice underpaid job that they enjoy moaning about.
Methinks the lady doth protest too much.
- Eugh.
- Now, you see, that's good.
- Look at the rage in that face.
- Huh? ls it good? The rage? Cos l could use that.
- Morning.
- Morning.
Who's the sexiest sub-post mistress within a parabola stretching from Truro to Falmouth? - Me.
- That is correct.
Ooh.
That's the devil's fridge.
Shall lstay over tonight? l would like that.
As we're approaching the weekend we might be ready to graduate tosex.
Or even somenine.
You dirty beast.
Just to mark your card.
- Morning.
- Doug.
- Filming going all right, is it? - Yes, fine.
Liaising with the leading actors.
Utterly normal people.
We've had eye contact several times.
- Good luck to 'em.
- l better go.
Big crowd scene tomorrow.
Eight extras.
You've got teenage children, haven't you, Doug? Yep.
Doug Jr and Heather.
Although she now only answers to Tamzin.
l'm not hitting it off with my daughter and Has she called you a capitalist running dog yet? - No.
- That'll come.
Has she screamed at you in Asda yet, told you to get lost and die in a ditch? - No.
- Still, she was talking to me then.
They're all on drugs, you know.
ls this helping? Bye.
- Hello, Holly.
- Jake! Or should l say, Daddy! - l'm not yours as well, am l? - (Laughs) No.
What can l do for you? Hey, we've got some great new nodding toads just in.
All the fun of the nodding dog, but in toad form.
- Yep, no thanks.
- You all right? l'm worried about my daughter, Victoria.
l can't communicate with her.
Not used to girls.
- Oh, Jakey.
- There are long silences between us.
Silences can be like magical breaths in the conversation of time.
Well, these aren't.
So you want to know how to talk to young women without being punched.
Yeah.
l want to know everything - how they think, how they speak, what they're interested in, their hopes and their fears.
- Oh, gosh.
- l've got eight minutes.
- Are you nervous about tomorrow? - What's happening tomorrow? The filming! You'll be found out if you don't put the work in.
- What? - Anyone coming to bed at all? Soon.
What do you mean, found out? Ready when you are.
Have you thought about your character's background, her social situation, her walk? What, bystander no.
1? No! l'll just turn up, face the front and speak loudly.
- Really? - Yes.
OK Erl've spent the day studying the professionals.
Picked up a few little tricks of the trade.
(lmitates TV actors) He's doing fine.
Gave himself a few bruises in the seizure but hasn't done any permanent damage.
What caused the seizure? Was it from the accident? (Both) As if we haven't got enough to worry about.
l've never been more ready than l am now, it's fair to say.
Really quite keen to get on with this.
- What happened, Dave? - What happened, Dave? Why were you up the scaffolding in the first place? That's enough of that.
You've got to stop this, Ange.
This filming is taking over your life.
Look, l simply want to do a nice little bit of acting and then go back to my quiet life.
Oh, all right, l admit it! l wanna be famous! l want people to recognise me in the street! l want people to start rumours that maybe l've had my lips done! l wanna wear diamond shoes! lt's OK.
No rush now.
l'vebought us a bit of time.
Yeah, that's good.
You're a bit early, Jakey.
lt's not France, you know, where everyone starts the day with a glass of wine, and knowing them, a bag of snails and a shag.
- No, l've come for a chat.
- How's that daughter of yours? l hope you appreciate the fact that l've respected her and not made a move, even though she's obviously playing with a full set of - What did l say? - For God's sake, it's his daughter! Although he does have a point.
There's not much wrong with those puppies.
Hm.
Fair dos.
Victoria's due back today and she's planning to go back to London because l'm obviously coming across as a crusty old bore.
- Can't argue with reality, Jake.
- Yeah.
See that, Jake? That's the generation gap.
She's on this side.
Smart, attractive, looking for a screw - this being a screwdriver Work with me.
And you're on the other side.
Rusty and immovable.
Do you want me to run through that again? lt fell apart in the middle.
(Stammering) No, l want you to do me a makeover.
- What? - Make me look like a young man again.
Well, not young, but like the kind of dad an 18-year-old would be proud of.
Tremendous.
ln you go.
Long, thin, probably vital piece of equipment.
Harry! Here we go.
Wa-hey! Jakey! - Which aftershave did you use? - Vibration, by Man ln A Hurry.
OK, Jakey.
So what kind of dad are you? Approachable and relaxed.
- Who are your favourite singers? - ErmFrank Sinatra, - BlueBlair - Blur.
Blur.
And for my more upbeat moments, Miss Dynami-titty.
- Right on! - Go on with your bad self.
Orange juice, please, Jeff.
- Hello, Dad.
- Hello, Victoria.
Look at you! Look at you.
l've been reading this book about the history of boats and boating in Cornwall.
- Fascinating stuff.
- Yep.
l've been listening to a lot of Coldplay.
You're not happy in that, are you? Well, that's not really you either, is it? No.
Maybe we should meet in the middle.
God, Dad.
What's that aftershave? You should wear Old Spice or whatever old guys wear.
You let me choose my own smells and l won't tell you what to wear.
- l'm getting a tattoo.
- Oh, no, you're not, young lady.
- Just a small one.
- No, no, no.
l'm crapping myself now, Ange.
l really am.
(Does vocal exercises) l told you you should have practised.
Ma-maaaa Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-maa l'm surprised you had to do your own make-up.
l know.
l was looking forward to being smeared by a gossipy gay man with magic hands and a big brush.
OK, shall we get this done? Yes.
Where's the director? l'm doing it.
He's eroff on a recce.
OK.
Right.
OK.
- Stunning.
- Break a leg.
- Don't say that! - Thank you.
Bit of hush! - And action.
- Which way is it? lt might be that road, my lover, or it might be that road.
You never know where you are on Bodmin Moor.
The mist hangs like a silver curtain, a curtain in a cold space.
(Sobs) And cut.
Was that OK? l added that last bit at the end.
l hope that was all right.
- OK.
Thank you.
- Great.
Can we go again? No, that was pretty definitive.
OK, we're done here.
Thank you.
Lens cap on, is it? Power switch off, is it? - Bastards though, eh? - Oh, no.
lt's OK.
l think it happens a lot.
lt keeps costs down if you don't turn the camera on.
- You were good, though.
- Oh, stop it.
- Was l? - Yeah.
Do you know what l'd do if l was a star? l'd have myself immortalised in wet concrete outside the Palladium.
Oh, yeah! What, hands or feet? - Erbackside, l thought.
- Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
- Unusual.
- Yeah.
lt'd only take one to get the ball rolling.
Pretty soon we'd have Ewan McGregor's arse out there in the concrete.
We'd have Jude Law's arse out there in the concrete.
And we'd have Glenda Jackson's arse Oh, here we go.
Chaos today during the making of Lost!, a TV drama being filmed in and around St Gweep, when an unattended delivery van crashed down the hill, destroying several film vehicles and scenery.
- There he is! Doug! - Dougie! lt came down the hillthere.
l blame vand-igansvandals.
Hooligans.
Unsurprisingly, filming was abandoned.
That's all from me.
Well, he had his moment of glory, didn't he, old Doug.
Yeah.
l knew l could turn her brains l knew l could turn her brains into scrambled eggs just by lookin' at her.
- (Phil) l wouldn't 'ave 'it 'er - l wouldn't 'ave 'it 'er.
- 'Specially not with Lou there.
- 'Specially not with Lou there.