Wilfred s01e08 Episode Script


Sneakers? Sneakers? Sneakers? Come here, Sneakers.
Hey, Sneakers.
Why are you not at my house? Uh Uh, I am at your house.
Don't lie to me, Ryan.
I have security cameras and I am looking at them online right now.
Uh Leo.
You said the chairs weren't being delivered until 10.
You should already be there.
I'II kill you.
This fly's been a dick all morning.
This party is for important people.
People who don't sit around in their underwear all day watching TV with the neighbor's dog.
Oh, talking shit now, are you? Aah! Uh, I'll be there in 15 minutes.
I promise.
Bitched out by Kristen.
What a great way to start the day.
Ryan, remember when I told you a few weeks ago that you are a total pussy? Well, I just wanna apologize for not emphasizing that enough.
What am I gonna do? Yell at her? She loaned me $5000 for my car accident.
Ryan, anger is like herpes.
You're not meant to keep it to yourself.
Expressing your anger will make you feel better.
Watch this.
You bloody bastard.
Unh! Yeah.
See? The fly's dead.
I feel much better.
No harm done whatsoever.
Why aren't I going to Kristen's? Kristen hates you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No one hates me.
I'm Wilfred.
I'm adorable.
Look at these eyes.
This smile.
I once cracked a Nazi skinhead in the face with a beer and you know what he did to me? Belly rub.
Trust me.
Kristen hates you.
We'll see about that.
I'm going.
What's that? Binaca.
I don't want my breath smelling like balls.
Look, Leo, the chairs are here.
Wow, all these chairs and no throne? Where's Dr.
Ramos gonna sit? Leo thinks it's weird I'm throwing a party in honor of my boss.
Because it is weird.
Ramos got a grant to open a clinic in India he's looking for an associate to oversee the project.
Leo doesn't understand that people get ahead by playing office politics.
Which is maybe why he's still a claims investigation supervisor.
Claims investigation supervisor's one of the most respected titles in all of insurance.
Ourtherapist told you to work on your passive-aggressive tone.
Really, because maybe you are Hey, Leo, it's nice to see you.
Hey, Ryan.
Kristen, shall I compare thee to a sunset? Morning dew? Flowers? Blah, blah, blah.
Some other beautiful shit? Point is, you look good.
My lady.
Ew! Ugh! Oh! God.
Ugh! Aah! My rat.
Ungrateful bitch.
God, why did you bring that stupid dog? You're more obsessed with him than that Jack Russell you had when we were kids.
He had a name.
The entrails fell out.
Now it's worthless.
Wait a minute.
Where are the cushions? You didn't say anything about cushions.
I didn't think I had to.
On account of it being obvious.
You know what, Kristen? Aw, yeah.
That's it.
Get mad.
You got something to say, Ryan? That was pathetic.
You just grabbed your ankles and took it.
No wondershe has no respect for you.
She didn't treat you that well either.
Which was surprising.
Because I thought everyone loves Wilfred.
Everyone does.
Except her because she's not human.
Cold, black heart.
Dead eyes.
Nice tits.
By the way, who's Sneakers? No one.
Sneakers? Sneakers? Here, boy.
Sneakers? Sneakers is no one, huh? Do you usually buy priceless jewelry for no one? Imitation colored glass? Plastic painted to look like metal? This isn't some cheap made-in-China knock-off.
This is made in Taiwan.
You bastard.
Keeping another dog on the side, are you? Sneakers was my dog Twenty years, 20 minutes.
Makes no difference to me, Ryan.
You know I have no concept of time.
Well, I do.
And it's 2 in the morning.
I'm going back to bed.
Damn it.
Why won't you tell me about Sneakers? Because I killed him.
Okay? I killed him.
Well, that's a relief.
He was the sweetest little dog.
He did these cute back flips.
Every morning I'd wake up with him snuggled against me.
Licking my ear.
And, one day, I found Sneakers floating in the pool.
I left the gate open.
I was always so careful.
I killed my best friend.
Snuggled up against you, licking your ear? What, in the same bed? Where did you meet this budgie smuggler? At a Maroon 5 concert? Don't be an asshole.
It was a long time ago.
Then I assume you won't mind if I wear this.
Are you all right? Yeah, yes.
It's just a little chilly down here, I guess.
I'm going back to bed.
Uh, Wilfred? That's not mine.
I've been thinking it over, and I know what happened last night.
After I went to sleep you somehow managed to get some homo chip planted in my brain.
You caught me.
Let's go to the vet and get that removed.
No, no, that's That won't be necessary.
Wow, miraculous recovery.
Hello? Don't forget to bring Mom's old ice tub tonight and rememberto be here two hours early to set up the bar.
Oh, well, why not three? I really don't appreciate the attitude, Ryan.
This party's important to me, so just do your best, all right? I've got it.
It wasn't a homo chip.
It was a glowing orb of gayness brought by aliens that you summoned because Stop.
You know what I think? It's pretty coincidental that you suddenly start acting like my old dog Sneakers.
What? You think I'm acting? You tell me.
Ryan, dogs are very empathic creatures.
In fact, some cultures, the Hindus, for example they believe that we dogs can help the living communicate with the dead.
Are you saying that the ghost of my dead dog is trying to possess your body? Dude, can you blame him? The glowing orb of gayness is more believable than that.
Ryan, it's true.
And I can prove it.
But first, we must cross overto the other side.
The other side of the room? I dropped my guts there.
That's gonna reek.
I'm sorry about that.
We're gonna uncoverthe mysteries of the afterlife, Ryan.
The secrets of the dead.
And we'll do it all with the most sacred tool of dark magic.
S H M E Wash me.
Wash me? Funny, bear.
I could feel you pushing it the whole time.
Come over here.
I need someone who's gonna take this seriously.
I don't have time.
I have to get to Kristen's.
Nonsense? Can't you feel the tormented souls around us? Gary Coleman.
Is that you? What do you mean, what am I talking about? Oh, ha, ha.
I get it.
Ha, ha! Kristen's old swim goggles.
What's this doing here? Hi, Ryan.
It's me, Sneakers.
That isn't funny, Wilfred.
Wilfred? Gosh, golly.
Don't you recognize your old buddy Sneakers? I'm not kidding.
Cut the shit.
Wanna go have a snuggle? Or watch me do one of my neat-o back flips? Give me that collar.
What's wrong, Ryan? Are you still mad at me for chewing the feet off yourfootie pajamas? Remember? The ones with the race cars all overthem? Sneakers.
Ryan, I know you feel bad about how I died, but it wasn't yourfault.
I left the gate open.
It was Kristen.
What? I swear, if this is just you It was all herfault, and she let you live with the guilt for 20 years.
The guilt that made you a sad, sad boy.
You know, in the back of my mind, I always thought that maybe she She did.
Maybe we should go overto her house and make her a sad, sad girl.
Maybe we should punch her tits off.
You can be a real bastard, Wilfred.
Wilfred? You're mad because she doesn't like you.
So you want me to be mad at her too.
This is sick.
Ryan, I don't understand.
Four score and seven years ago.
Oh, God.
What just happened? That man is not the real Magic Johnson.
I died in 1992.
That guy looks nothing like me.
Are you sick or are you just faking it so you can mess with Kristen? Have a bit of sympathy, mate.
I just had a terrifying paranormal experience.
My stomach's in knots and my head's pounding.
I asked you to bring Mom's antique copper tub.
This is tin.
Ryan strikes again.
The only one in the basement.
You have a basement? Kristen, hey, I think we just got off on the wrong foot yesterday.
Why would you bring him? I couldn't leave him.
He's not feeling well.
Just promise me he won't shit on the lawn or do anything to Uh Sorry.
I'll hose it off right away.
Just leave it.
I'll eat it later.
I'm gonna go rinse my mouth out in the toilet.
Hey, I was thinking.
Do you remember the day I found Sneakers in the pool? I guess.
Why? Well, we always thought I was the one who left the gate open but, I was wondering, is it possible that, maybe? Maybe what? Maybe it was you? Oh.
One hour and forty-eight minutes before my big party and you decide to accuse me of killing that back-flipping little idiot? You know what, Ryan? Sometimes you can be really insensitive.
Kristen may be a bitch.
But she'd never let me believe I killed my dog all these years if it wasn't true.
I don't know why I listen to you.
Me? I didn't say anything.
It was Sneakers, and he's got no reason to lie.
Would you stop with this paranormal shit? You don't believe me? Call her out on her lies.
Get the truth and get angry for once.
Just stop.
She doesn't like you.
Deal with it.
I'm not gonna ruin her party and neither are you.
I'm locking you in the car, Wilfred.
Wilfred? Wilfred's not here anymore.
There's only Sneakers, and I won't rest until Kristen gets what's coming to her.
In the car.
Race you there.
And after six minutes of infant CPR I looked into the baby's eyes and I said, "You live, now.
" At that exact moment, the baby just He stared right back at me with his big, brown eyes.
It was if to say, "Thank you.
" And took his first breath.
And that's when I vowed I'd someday return to that village and open a clinic.
Let me get this straight, an obstetrician delivered a baby without killing it? Oh, look, honey, it's the Davidsons.
Oh, don't forget to check out the chocolate fountain.
Really? Okay, that's it, Leo is cut off.
Could this party get any worse? You put that dog away, right? He's in the car.
He won't bother anyone from there.
Uh, I should go check on him.
Are you kidding? Ryan.
Oh, no.
Hell, Ryan, I just had to pour Dr.
Ramos a glass of chardonnay myself.
Do you know how that looks? I need a second.
No, just get back to the bar.
Oh, my God.
Ah! Oh, my God.
What happened? A dog knocked overthe table.
A dog? I'll take care of it.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God.
Look at how she laughs, Ryan.
Oh, God.
Ha, ha! Crazy night.
I can't laugh like that because my lungs are filled with water.
I don't believe you, you're doing this because Kristen doesn't like you.
No, I'm doing this to make that bitch pay for killing me.
Yippity-do! Watch out! Oh, my God.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
What happened? The dog.
Oh, God.
Where am I? Oh, God.
Here it comes.
It's okay.
I swallowed it.
Kristen, I'm so sorry.
Sorry? You ruined my party, Ryan.
The Ramoses left.
That dog is a four-legged piece of shit.
Take it easy on Wilfred.
You talk about him like he's a person.
I am so tired of dealing with that stupid dog.
Ever since he came into your life Just shut the hell up.
What? I am sick of taking your shit.
Ever since we were kids, it's like you get off on treating me like crap.
Like when Sneakers died.
You kept rubbing my face in it.
Don't you think I felt guilty enough? Uh, Kristen? I left it open.
What? I came home to get my goggles for swim practice and I left the gate open.
The goggles.
I left, it was me.
How could you let me live with guilt for 20 years? I don't know.
Mom and Dad always liked you more.
You were always sweet and creative.
And I was always the uptight little girl everyone avoided.
Even Sneakers liked you more than me.
And you know what? He was supposed to be my dog.
Remember? I got him for my birthday.
I'm so sorry, Ryan.
Can you forgive me? I don't know.
What if I forget about the rest of the $5000 you owe me? You wanna pay me off? Yeah.
I guess it's a start.
I'm so glad you finally know the truth.
I have been walking around with this for so long.
And I guess that's why I get so upset around Wilfred, you know? I don't really hate him.
And there it is.
She loves me.
I knew it the whole time.
It's so obvious.
You think he'd let me pet him? Hey, Wilfred.
You're such a sweet dog.
Piss off.
What? I still hate the bitch.
Hi, Ryan, it's me again.
Seriously? Aren't we done with this? I'm just here to say goodbye.
Now that you're no longer carrying the guilt of my death, I can finally rest in peace.
See you.
I was hoping we could have one last snuggle.
No, thanks.
Please? And then I'll never bother you again.
Close your eyes.