Wilfred s03e02 Episode Script


Here's us playing roulette in the casino.
And here's us doing karaoke.
And here's us Oh, gross, Drew.
Oh, I'm sorry.
He must have taken that when he was drunk.
Okay, here's some dolphins off the ship.
Looks like a fun cruise.
Yeah, Mexico was a blast.
Thanks again for watching Wilfred.
By the way, how are you? I feel like we haven't really talked since the wedding.
I'm good.
We heard about the whole Amanda thing.
Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
I want you to know that I'm always here for you.
I appreciate that.
And here's me looking out the window at absolutely nothing.
I did that for, like, four or five hours.
And here's me right after I startled myself awake with my own fart.
And here's me Oh, gross, Wilfred.
Sorry, I must've taken that when I was drunk.
Wilfred sure is excited to see us.
I think that this is the longest we've ever been away from him.
Hey, you should come over Friday night.
Drew took a cooking class on the ship, and he's cooking up some recipes he learned.
Oh, yeah! And then you can meet Ron and Peggy, one of the other couples from the cruise.
They're super nice.
They're super fat.
All right.
Sickness, Ry.
Well what do you say we loosen up these OJs with a few bubbles? Drew, it's 10:00 in the morning.
Ah, just a little "hair of the dog.
" Ooh! Ah Oh, looks like the cork scared Wilfy a little.
Jesus offers you a fresh start, - a clean slate - Hey! Can you turn that religious bullshit off? I'm trying to enjoy a blumpkin in here! And in return, he asks for nothing but your unquestioning faith and commitment.
If you receive this pardon from God, you can stand before anyone with peace and calm in your heart.
What is wrong with you? Nothing.
Because if you're ready to die, you're ready to live.
Thinking about Amanda again? God, I wish everyone would stop asking about Amanda.
I'm totally fine, okay? Ryan, every dog has this one itchy spot on his back, just above the tail.
And try as he may, he can never scratch it himself.
I mean, sure, he can try to rub it up against a tree or up against the underside of a couch, but it's never as comforting as the fingernails of a good friend.
What, do you want me to cry on your shoulder? Hell, no! I'm not talking about coming to me for comfort.
Why would I comfort you? I mean, you've hardly been there for me lately.
What are you talking about? Right.
I'm serious.
What's wrong? Ryan Jenna and Drew died.
Wait, what? Yeah, they died for, like, 17 days.
I'm glad they finally came back, though.
Wilfred, they were just on their honeymoon.
Just 'cause you don't see someone for a while doesn't mean they're dead.
Ah I'm pretty sure they're dead.
I looked everywhere for them.
You think that death is like a vacation? That's not how it works.
Do you remember Shep, the Great Dane you used to see at the park? Yeah, old Shep with the gray face and the funny cancers he was always joking about.
Yeah, he's been dead quite a while.
Should be back any day now.
Wilfred, when people die-- really die-- then they're dead.
That's it.
They-they don't get to come back.
So, my grandmother, my-my parents they're not coming back? Holy shit.
Marley and Me is a really sad movie.
God, why was I laughing the whole time? What is it? My nemesis.
The bane of all dogs.
The mailman? Exactly.
Wait It all makes sense now.
He just goes away for a while, and then comes back.
God, I feel like such an idiot! He was never actually dead.
Until now.
The United States Postal Service is a lie! Wilfred, stop it! Yeah, they act all kind and benevolent.
Sorry, just one sec! But then they come to your house and drop off your mail! Hey, I'm, uh, Bill.
Your mailman.
Here's your mail.
Did you need a signature or? Uh No, uh it's kind of embarrassing, but do you mind if I use your bathroom? It's sort of an emergency.
Don't invite him in, Ryan! He can't come in if you don't invite him! Yeah, sure.
You can totally use my bathroom, Mailman Bill.
You're letting him shit in the house?! I don't even get to shit in the house! Oh, uh I don't mean to be such a princess, but there's no way the dog can get through that door, right? A buddy of mine had sort of an incident.
Don't worry, you're fine.
- Just, uh - I'll kill you! I'll kill you! Thank you.
I'll kill you! I'll kill you I'll kill you - I'll kill you - Ooh, thank you.
I'll kill you Really enjoyed your toilet reading, by the way.
Alan Moore? Miracleman? Classic.
Yeah, I've got every issue except number 15.
It's too bad it's out of print.
You like Alan Moore? Uh, yeah.
Rorschach? Awesome.
Whoa, is that a pentagram? Oh.
My ex-girlfriend and I met at a Slayer concert.
So, me being the romantic that I am, I decided to get a tattoo to celebrate our anniversary.
Yeah only, a week later, she goes nuts and dumps me for a guy she met at Chipotle.
Ah! No point in dredging up old bullshit like that.
Well, I'd better get on my way if I'm gonna finish my route by happy hour.
Tell you what, you should meet me in Hinano's in an hour, and I'll bring by a copy of Miracleman number 15.
Oh, cool.
Yeah, maybe I'll see you there.
Well, great.
Wilfred! What are you doing here? Sorry, I just have so many questions about this death thing.
I'm meeting Bill right now.
Just one question.
You said earlier that when someone dies, they don't come back.
Where do they go? Well some people believe that nothing happens.
That you just "turn off," like a light switch.
But if you're religious, like if you're Christian, for instance, then you believe in a place called Heaven.
Heaven? Eternal paradise, where you and God and Jesus all live together Look, I-I don't know what happens, Wilfred.
I have to go.
Well, wait.
How can you leave me at a time like this? I'm having a crisis here! Are you sure that's okay? Oh, yeah.
This is an "undeliverable.
" You see, the rain washed out the address, and look, there's not even a zip code.
So this thing's headed straight for the garbage.
Let's see what we got, here.
"Dear Steven, I've been thinking of you more and more these days.
" Whoa.
"I remember the nights we spent together last fall.
We did some things that I both cherish and regret.
" Oh! Well, this girl's a pretty good writer.
"I still have memories of your massiveness in my mouth"? Oh! Whoa! Holy shit! Okay, this girl is a freak.
Still, pretty good writing, though.
"But I just got the results back from my HIV test, "and I'm heartbroken to say that they came back positive.
"I know that you just returned from Afghanistan and are struggling with your own PTSD issues" Shit! Are you kidding me, man? That was crazy.
Oh I remember one time my buddy Barry had this undeliverable, and it was, like Oh, man, Barry Who's Barry? Ah, just a guy that We used to work together.
He's, uh Hello! Here we go.
This is what I'm talking about.
These are great.
As long as you don't mind putting this massiveness in your mouth.
Oh It's okay, Ryan.
Wilfred! What the hell did you do? As you know, I was locked inside a small car with black leather interior for hours as it baked in the hot sun.
And as I sat there contemplating death, real death came upon me.
I began overheating.
I couldn't pant fast enough.
I started to make these little, squeaky whimpering noises that conveyed my desperation.
And then suddenly, a thin, pale man with long hair and a beard appeared outside my window.
He broke the glass and freed me from death's clutches.
It was Jesus! And Jesus stole my radio? The Lord works in mysterious ways.
You see, I'm no longer frightened of the concept of death.
The Lord is my shepherd.
With his rod and his staff, he comforts me.
I've been saved.
I have been saved, Ryan! Brought you a little something.
Rosary beads? They're meant to aid you in prayer.
Before I was saved, I used to use them for sinful, carnal purposes.
Wow, you're really taking this religious shit seriously.
I once was lost but now I'm found.
Oh, Bear! Put away those wicked breasts! We're not even married! And unspread that! Why are you wearing my underwear? To cover my nakedness.
That looks painful.
How are you gonna wag your tail? When one walks with the Lord, Ryan, one's tail is always wagging.
I'm going to Hinano's to meet Bill.
That Satanist? I've seen his pentagram tattoo.
Mark of the devil.
It's just an old Slayer tattoo.
This whole religious thing is just an act because you hate the fact that I'm hanging out with the mailman.
I don't hate mailmen.
I love all God's creatures, even certain Jews.
What would your God-fearing Christian friends, Jenna and Drew, think about you fraternizing with a Satanist? They're not even that religious.
Not religious? Does Jenna not cry out to God late at night when she layeth with Drew? Does Drew not call out the name of Jesus when someone lands on "Bankrupt" on Wheel of Fortune? I'll pray for you, Brother Newman.
It's not like one of those office jobs where you got to get to know your coworkers and hear all about their dreams and relationships.
Where do I sign up? Right? Man, I mean, every day is a cake walk, man.
I mean, I'm strolling around the neighborhood, dropping off the mail, sometimes I smoke a joint in the truck and then I take a shit in somebody's really nice bathroom.
By the way, Mrs.
Phillips, across the street from you? She's got a bidet.
Water pressure? Strong.
Oh Ryan.
What are you guys doing here? I got your text.
You said to meet you here for lunch.
Looks like you guys started without us.
Although I wasn't really sure what you meant when you said I should conceal my dirty pillows.
Am I missing some joke? Oh, I-I meant to text that to my sister.
It's an inside joke.
Bill, these are my neighbors, Jenna and Drew.
Oh, yeah! You're the mail guy.
We live at, uh, Yeah, sure.
Right on.
Hey, thanks for the Christmas gift last year.
Five dollar Starbucks gift card-- very thoughtful.
Well, you do a good job, and I figured you could use the caffeine.
Hey so you're still joining us for dinner tonight, right? Um, yeah, yeah.
Looking forward to it.
I was thinking-- maybe I'll tell Ron and Peggy to come a different night.
It might be better if it's just us.
You know, so we can talk.
You don't have to do that.
Okay, who ordered the Knockers Shot? No, no, no, no, no, no.
Right there, Ginny.
Oh, yeah.
It's good.
Nice try, sending your "missionaries" to save me.
But it's not gonna work.
I do.
I hope you two will be very happy now that you can finally have sex.
Thank you all for coming.
As planned, a reception will follow at the sour milk puddle behind Baskin Robbins.
Sorry, Ryan, we're just trying to keep the numbers down.
It's really just family and close friends.
And a few people Bear's dad used to work with.
Besides, I knew you had Jenna's thing tonight, so I'm not going to Jenna's.
Thanks to your little stunt, she's turning the dinner into a therapy session.
Where's my weed? Your drugs? I flushed them down the toilet.
Well, I placed them in the toilet.
I have no idea how to operate the flush handle.
Do you accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior? Do you promise to live every day with him in your heart? Wilfred, stop! I hereby baptize you, Ryan Newman, in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit! Goddamn it, Wilfred! Name in vain, dude.
You're insane.
Well, I hope I've helped you change your mind about going to Jenna's tonight.
I'm going to Bill's.
To hang out with his Satanist friends.
Because unlike Jenna, Bill doesn't dwell on bullshit from the past.
But like you, Ryan, Bill can only stem the tides of his grief for so long before he snaps! Snaps? Bill's not the snapping type.
And when it happens, I only hope he has good friends around to pick up the pieces.
Hey, Ryan-- come on in, man.
Guys, this is Ryan.
Ryan, these are a few work friends here.
We got Todd, Darren, and the lovely Joanne.
Oh, hey, man.
You didn't need to bring that.
We got it covered tonight.
Thanks to Joanne-- she brought over a box of "confiscationables.
" Yeah, you see, certain items are illegal to send through the mail.
The postal service confiscates these things, but there's no real system in place to dispose of it all.
So it just kind of sits around in a big room somewhere.
So, why let it go to waste-- right, guys? Sounds fun.
Yeah, man.
Aw, check it out! Absinthe-- like, real absinthe from the Czech Republic.
Fireworks! Oh, do you guys remember that Fourth of July? I think it was in the Marina.
Barry had, um those, um Hey, we got some Crate and Barrel silverware here.
Actually, I don't think these are confiscationables.
Oh! What's that smell? Ew-- who farted? Excuse me.
Wilfred, what are you doing here? I came here because I was visited again.
This time by God himself.
Go home, Wilfred.
Ryan, listen to me.
I was in the basement, consummating my marriage, when I embarrassingly quick-came and then heard a crash upstairs.
I ran up, and there he was.
He was beautiful, Ryan.
Immaculate skin.
Otherworldly gold teeth, cornrows.
All cracked out.
Wilfred, that was a burglar.
It was God, Ryan.
And as God was carrying your flat-screen TV out the back door, he looked at me as if to say, "Go, my son.
"Smite these sinners.
"Wipe this present-day Sodom and Gomorrah off the face of the earth.
" Bullshit.
You don't like mailmen-- that's what this is all about.
I hate sinners, Ryan.
And we are in the midst of sinners.
Satanist adulterer, glutton.
Lead-singer-of-Smash-Mouth- hand-job-giver.
As God is my witness, this all ends tonight! I say hear me now, all ye sinners in the hands of an angry God! Fire and brimstone shall rain down upon you! Get that thing out of here! Ooh! Is this a candle sitting on a low table? No, no, no! Lord, use my recklessly wagging tail as a vessel to do your bidding! Shit, the fireworks! Praise be to God! Oh, must've been a box of duds.
Oh, thank God.
But how is this possible? Why have you forsaken me, God? I give my life in service of you and you totally dick me over.
Hey, man, it's cool.
The fireworks are outside.
Yeah, just something about the dog freaking out it reminded me of Barry.
It's over now.
Now, why bring the mood down by talking about Barry? Hey, I got a great idea.
Let's break out that box of endangered tree frogs and get crazy No! It's about damn time we talked about Barry.
Barry was our friend.
And I miss the shit out of him.
It's not like talking about Barry's gonna bring him back.
Does it suck? Yeah, it sucks.
One minute he's walking around delivering mail, and the next he's having his carotid artery ripped open by a 120-pound pit bull! It's sad, man! It's sad as shit! You think I don't think about that? I think about that every goddamn day! Every day! Bill could only stem the tides of his grief for so long.
He certainly can't turn to God for comfort.
You were right, Ryan.
God is a fake-ass, little bitch.
I never said that.
I'm just saying, fire and brimstone never rained down the way God said it would, so he's obviously Ryan? Well, we missed you last night at dinner.
I'm sorry I didn't make it.
I didn't come 'cause I You know, I had this amazing boyfriend in high school.
He-he was handsome and funny and smart and But after a while I started to feel like he was hiding something from me.
It turns out that he he had a bad addiction.
I broke up with him, but then I felt like I was a terrible person for not sticking around to help him get better.
Was it my fault for missing the warning signs? I mean, looking back, it was no one's fault.
We can't help who we fall in love with.
And we can't help everyone we fall in love with.
So was it, like, a drug addiction? Actually, he had a, um, shopping addiction.
Which eventually became a shoplifting addiction.
Basically, he had this obsession with shoes.
Oh, so he was gay? No, I-I told you-- he was my boyfriend.
Oh, my God Oh, my God-- he was totally gay.
Oh, no.
He used to always drag me to the swim meets.
And I thought he was just, like, a really big fan of swimming.
Oh, my God.
Well So, dinner next weekend, okay? No excuses.
You got it.
They don't make 'em like that anymore.
They sure don't.
We're both talking about her sneakers, right? What? Vintage Tretorn tennis sneakers.
They don't make 'em like that anymore.
Yeah, totally.
You can actually hear that? Yes, Ryan, I can.
Oh, wow, so you can actually hear that? Jesus, Wilfred, you could damage my