Wilfred s03e04 Episode Script


It's getting chilly out.
You might want to think about getting your special little boy a sweater, huh? Or at least some Omega-3 to thicken his coat.
Yeah, I'll look into that.
Come on, Thomas James.
God! What is happening to this park? It's being overrun by dog weirdos.
Dog weirdos? People who treat their dogs like cute, amusing, four-legged little children.
We're descendents of the wolf, for Christ's sake.
Look at this poor bastard.
Bootsies? Wow.
- And check this out.
- What have we here? "I did a smelly poo poo, Mommy.
" You did a smelly poo poo for me? "Yes, I did.
" He's not saying that.
She's speaking for him.
He didn't do a smelly poo poo for her.
He did it for his dead brother.
Hi, baby.
Ooh, you're so cute.
And now she's molesting him, right in front of us.
Yeah, I guess that's a little weird.
And here's the worst of all.
This guy must have actually spoken his mind.
Not only do they emasculate him with a muzzle, but they mask the obvious rights violation by making it a comical distraction.
A duck bill? Really? Okay, that's pretty messed up.
See, that's what I like about you, Ryan.
You treat me like an equal.
You don't dress me up or censor what I say or not let me drool on your clothes every now and again.
Ooh! Wouldn't mind getting my bulbus glandis dick-anchor stuck up in that.
Yeah, like you said, this place is crawling with dog weirdos.
Let's get out of here.
Wait-- are you, like, scared of that bulbus glandis dick-anchor chick? Of course not.
Well, then go and introduce yourself.
I already know her, okay? Her name's Kim.
We went to high school together, and I had a huge crush on her.
She was super outgoing and always starting these new clubs.
I, on the other hand Was an antisocial virgin with drawn-on pubes-- I get it.
I never actually did that; it was just a rumor.
Ryan? Ryan Newman? Oh my God.
Kim? You look great.
What have you been up to since God, graduation, I think? Well, I I worked as a lawyer for a while and, um Tell her about the time we microwaved our toenail clippings.
Uh, but what have you been up to? Well, I recently started my own business-- a dog training facility in Venice.
That's actually why I'm here today.
I'm passing out flyers.
I love working with dogs; They're just such incredible animals.
Speaking of which, is this your handsome boy? Uh, no, no, no.
I actually belong to a gorgeous blonde.
What? I never took you for a dog guy.
Well, just like you, I- I love working with dogs.
Uh, I don't mean "working.
" I'm just super, super into dogs.
Ryan, you know I don't like feeling powerless over my own leg.
Oh, shit.
It's happening! You guys are really cute.
You know, if your dog ever needs any training, you should totally bring him to Happy Paws.
Or if you, you know, have any dog-related questions, you could just call me on my cell.
Um yeah.
Let me get your number.
I'll never understand why that happens.
So, you're, like, "super, super into dogs" now, is that right? What? I've always liked dogs.
Then why don't you have your own dog? Oh, wait, you do.
Come on, I watch you every day.
It's almost like I'm Bullshit.
You just got intimidated by your old crush.
And since you couldn't find a pen to draw on pubes quick enough, you found some other way to make yourself look good.
There's nothing wrong with embellishing a little when you're talking to a pretty girl.
Yeah, I used to play it like that.
I used to tell chicks lies about myself just to get laid.
One night, I'd be a pilot; the next, a doctor.
But these women weren't having sex with a pilot or a doctor.
They were having sex with a lie.
And more sick and depraved than that? They were having sex with a dog.
But I learnt my lesson.
And if Kim isn't gonna be into the real Ryan, then why do you want to be with her? I mean, for all of Amanda's craziness, at least she liked you for you.
At least she I'm not looking for another Amanda.
At the very least, it'd be fun to go back to school.
Unlike you, I was one of the cool kids, back in the day.
All the chicks used to bark at me and all the guys used to bark at me, but, like, in a kind of admiring way, not, like, in a sexual way, like with the chicks.
I already got Kim's number.
Why would I suffer through a training course with you? Mmm.
Because maybe training would be good for me.
Who knows? Maybe I could even learn to one day not drool all over your clothes.
Wilfred, no! Yeah! Garbage is the shit! God Wilfred, drop it! God.
Wilfred! Oh, God.
Oh Hey, Ryan.
I'm gonna clean this up.
Just Wilfred has been acting crazy these past few days.
No problem.
Hey, I just wanted to return your book.
I loved it.
What was your favorite story? "Safari.
" Totally.
"Safari"? Right? Thanks for recommending it.
Oh, it's one of my favorites.
I knew you'd like it.
Make it rain on 'em Make it rain on 'em.
God! Wilfred! I don't know what has gotten into him.
He's been tearing up the furniture, peeing in the house-- he hasn't acted like this since we first got him.
God All I can think to do is take him back to obedience school.
I found this, uh, flyer in my mailbox.
It's for this new place called Happy Paws.
I checked it out on Yelp, and it's got some good reviews.
I'm gonna take him down there tomorrow.
Hey, why don't why don't I take him? Oh, no, no, no.
I couldn't.
You're way busier than me.
Besides, it'll be fun.
What's the matter, Ryan? Afraid what your old crush would think if she found out I didn't belong to you? Are you sure? Yeah.
Feminine hygiene products are the shit! Okay, please don't embarrass me in front of Kim.
Embarrass you?! Relax.
I was the cool kid back in the day, remember? Ryan! Don't be no fool, just play it cool, break all the rules and be yourself.
I'm so glad you made it.
Yeah, well, Wilfred's got a few behavioral tics I want to iron out.
Well, you came to the right place.
This is Champ, by the way.
"Hello there, Mr.
It's so nice to meet you on this bright and sunny day.
" Holy shit! She's a dog weirdo! Little kisses for the mommy.
"Does Wilfred's daddy get kisses from Wilfred?" I don't know.
Does he? Come on, give him a kiss.
Don't do it.
I'm warning you.
Neither of us is gonna like this.
Oh, so cute.
Aw! Remember I can't believe you-- Force-Frenching me in front of the whole school just to impress that dog weirdo? Just leave me out of it from now on.
I don't want to look wack in front of my classmates.
so before we get started, I just want to lay out a few ground rules: First of all, this gate must remain closed at all times.
We don't want any of our little babies running out into the street.
Blah, blah, blah.
Teachers are so lame, am I right? Hey, you guys! Check out the wiener dog! It's like, why aren't you on a bun with ketchup and mustard? Oh, shit! Oh, hey, what's up, spots? Nice spots.
It's like, look at your spots, dude.
I'm totally making fun of your spots.
Oh, shit! Okay, who's next? Who's next? What's up? Wilfred, pay attention.
Paying attention is for narcs and dweebazoids.
Hey, you know what? You're getting a wedgie, Poindexter.
most of our edible products are organic.
Now, I want to start with a really basic command, just to see where we're all at.
Let's try "sit.
" Oh, oh.
Hey, you guys.
Listen up, listen up.
When Teacher says "sit," we all gonna shit.
Ready? Wilfred, don't.
Okay, here we go.
Hey! What the hell, you guys? Looks like some of us have some work to do, but that's why we're here.
Your boys and girls worked very hard, so please feel free to reward them with a little snacky.
That's not yours.
That's not yours.
All right, so where's the cool kids' table? Hey, is that an open seat over there? Oh.
It's taken? Hey, what about that seat? Is that Oh, it's taken as well? It looks like it's Hey! That wasn't very nice.
I was gonna eat that.
What? I'm not a loser! Stop chanting it in unison! So did you enjoy class? Yeah.
It was really helpful.
Look, a lot of people don't understand how much attention dogs really need.
I mean, they're like little four-legged children.
I say exactly the same thing.
Except I say they're like little people with four legs.
Well, I think "little children" is probably more accurate.
"Little people" sort of implies dwarves or midgets.
They're not like midgets.
Look, Ryan, I have to say, I'm sort of worried you're in danger of becoming one of those irresponsible dog owners.
W- Well, the reason Wilfred seems a little out of control is He's a rescue? Yes.
I- I I rescued him off the street a- about a month ago.
I found him tied to a fire escape.
He was starving and showed signs of abuse.
Oh, God, that is so sad.
I know.
Sometimes I wish I could adopt every stray in Venice.
I never knew you were like this.
Like, don't take this the wrong way or anything, but in high school, you just you always seemed a little detached.
Me? Detached? Really? It's too bad we didn't hang out more back then, you know? Well, we're here now.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? A doggy date? Yeah.
So, school, that was pretty fun, right? Hey, listen, Kim and I I'm not going back, Ryan.
What? Why? You were so excited about going back to school.
It's just this new generation, they're just so much crueler than they were-- I mean, we were-- back in the old days.
Some of the kids from class have been cyber-bullying me on Facebook.
This guy, he barely even knows me.
He called me "a major dingus.
" And-and this other guy, he said I should "saw my ears off slowly "with a dull jigsaw and then shove my bloody, severed ears into my own mother's anus.
" And that is, like, really hurtful.
It gets better, Wilfred.
It gets better.
Hey, it's a new school.
You'll fit in eventually.
Besides, if you don't go back, the bullies win.
You just want me to go back so you can stick your non-bulbus-glandis-having, easily extractable penis into that dog weirdo.
Hey, you were the one that convinced Jenna you needed the training.
Then I'll convince her I don't need it.
I'll just be on my best behavior.
And you think Jenna's just gonna let you out of it? She prepaid for the whole course, Wilfred.
Okay, look, I'll lie to Jenna and tell her that I'm still taking you to Happy Paws.
But you have to do a favor for me in return.
You look great.
Thank you.
That pirate hat is The cutest thing ever, right? Come in.
Where's Wilfred? Champy wants to play.
Wilfred! Bootsies? I love it! I've been meaning to get Champ a set.
I mean, not only are they adorbs, but Champs has got very sensitive paws.
"Yes, I do, Mommy.
I have sensitive paws.
" Aw, so cute.
Um, the other day, I saw this great YouTube video with two dogs, like, holding hands.
Oh, yeah, I saw that! So sweet.
So, listen I wasn't gonna say anything, but I heard this rumor back in high school that you Okay, I-I did not use a pen to draw pubic hair had a crush on me.
O- Oh.
Y- Yeah.
Um that-that one's true.
'Cause I've had a really fun night so far.
Really? Although I hope it's not over yet.
Huh, baby? "Gee.
"I'm so tired.
"I think I'd like to sleep over at Wilfred's house tonight.
"Would Wilfred mind if my mommy and I slept over? What does Wilfred think about that?" No, Ryan.
Don't you do it.
Cutesy voices were never part of our deal.
"Me and my mate Ryan would love that.
" An Australian accent? That's hilar.
I'll just go grab my stuff.
That is not what I was thinking! I was thinking how ironic it is that Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves, yet he himself was a slave to a weird beard style! You crossed the line! I agreed to help you, and you totally sold me out! Calm down! I just used a stupid, fake voice.
It doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter?! I want my voice! Wilfred! I'll bite your face, bitch! Wilfred, no! Stop it! Ryan, no! Ryan, what are you doing? Kim just took off after lecturing me for an hour about the proper way to discipline your dog.
It obviously doesn't involve violence.
Look I- I shouldn't have done that cutesy voice for you.
I'm sorry.
It's not your fault, Ryan.
Maybe I'd be better off with a cutesy voice.
My own voice just gets lost in all the white noise.
You probably noticed I took down my Facebook page.
I did not notice.
I got tired of all the hate and vitriol.
Champ tweeted tonight about how earlier I "totally spazzed out" like the spaz that I am.
Now everyone at school is calling me a mental case, a freak, an outcast.
And they're right.
Well, like we agreed, you don't have to worry about going back there.
No, no.
You were right.
I have to go back.
Otherwise, the bullies win.
Wilfred, you really don't have to.
I want to.
What are you working on? I'm drawing a picture of mountaintops, with me on top.
Lemon yellow sun.
Arms raised in a "V.
" And the dead lay in pools of maroon below.
And then then there's Spider-Man there.
I just thought that would be pretty cool.
Wilfred, lie down.
Good work, everyone.
I see lots of improvements.
So, I'll see you next week.
Kim, I-I just want to apologize again for what happened the other night.
Oh, you don't need to keep apologizing, Ryan.
If you're truly sorry, you'll consider fixing your relationship with Wilfred.
You're right.
Would you be open to using a muzzle? Uh Y- Yeah, I Not only is this going to eliminate the threat of Wilfred biting, the one I got you, it's a total cute-splosion.
Wilfred! What are you doing, boy? Deeper.
More confident.
Remember, you're in control.
Just doing what all freaks do, at some point: sewing the seeds of chaos and anarchy.
Wilfred, stop! A little firmer.
A little firmer.
You want me to stop? Fine.
I'll stop.
I promise.
In fact let's shake on it.
Oh, God.
Everyone, the gate is open! There's nothing standing between you and the bustling traffic! You made me the freak! Now I'll make you the roadkill! Come on, boys.
Wilfred, no Come on, boys! Shit.
Come on, boys! Come on! Stay! Noooooo! Why can't you just let the bullying go? Why do you care so much about what the other dogs at school think of you? I said, what about you?! Why do you care so much what Kim thinks?! I don't know.
Because I like her! I just want to have fun! What's the big deal?! She has no idea who you really are! Why are you so afraid to show her the real you?! Because the last time I showed someone the real me, she was dragged off to a mental institution.
Ryan what happened with Amanda wasn't your fault.
Yeah, it didn't work out, but it proves you're capable of having a deep, healthy relationship as yourself.
Maybe you won't find it again today.
Maybe not tomorrow.
But someday.
And it'll be worth the wait.
Dropping the class is not a good idea, Ryan.
Wilfred has a long way to go.
I think he'll be okay.
Well so when will I see you again? I'm sure we'll run into each other.
Take it easy.
Okay, I'll do it.
Hi, my name is Ryan.
I'm just chatting with one of my homies from class.
My hobbies include Ping-Pong, reading and carrying my friend's turds around in a plastic bag.
Oh, you like my Ryan voice? I know.
Nailed it.
Yeah, all right.
Yeah, see you at the party on the weekend, digger.
I said "digger.
" With a "D.
" No, no, uh, because you're a dog and you like to dig.
No, I-I d I think you missed Yep.
I'll sh I'll shut up.
Huh I wouldn't have guessed that.
Oh, yes.
The poodle is a very macho breed.
It takes a tough individual to pull off that haircut.
If I saw a poodle come at me, I'd cross the street.
Really? Oh.
I'll tell you what breed is a little iffy, though.
What? And this'll surprise you poodles.
But y-you just said they were tough.
I bet that's why you're surprised.
Wait, so and the ship just sank to the bottom of the deep blue sea? Yep.
They didn't see the iceberg? Nope.
And they didn't smell the iceberg? Nope.
They didn't hear the iceberg? Nope.