Wilfred s04e05 Episode Script


You're not going anywhere until you tell me the truth.
How can I tell you the truth when I don't even know what you're talking about? You're not gonna talk? Okay.
Then I guess I'll just have to make you talk.
That's not That's not a can filled with pennies, is it? Please, please, Ryan.
I told you I don't know anything! Ryan, stop! Please! Why are you doing this to me?! Because I know what you really are now.
You're trying to ruin my life.
How is that even possible? I'm just a dog.
Any complex human emotion you see in me is just wishful anthropomorphization.
I'm your friend, Ryan, but haven't we been down this road before? Ah.
This time I have proof.
Remember last night? I was complaining about my work.
Goldsmith's been such a bitch lately.
I'm so sick of her always riding my ass about deadlines and bringing in new clients.
Give me the pen, give me the pen.
Give me the pen.
Oh! I should send this to Goldsmith.
Yeah, right.
What? You don't think I'd do it? Come on, no way, dude! Man, I'm beat.
Yeah, I'm pretty wrecked.
Oh, look at Bear over here.
"I'm a year sober.
"I can have just one.
I'll be fine.
" Gross.
It's in your hair.
Are you just getting up? No, no.
Well, I was in the neighborhood and figured you'd need a friendly reminder about Joffrey's preschool interview today.
I remember.
Yeah, I'm taking a sick day to be there.
Okay, don't screw this up, Ryan.
You went to Delmore Academy.
It'll mean a lot to the admissions officer to see you in that interview with us.
I'd love for him to go to Delmore.
Joffrey getting into Delmore is the first step to him getting into Johns Hopkins and not losing the love of his mother.
Are you sure they'll remember me? That's a great point.
Just bring your yearbook, and I have to go do Joffrey's hair appointment.
Just don't be late.
I'll be there.
Don't worry.
What a night, huh? I could really use a little skin of the human that kicked me.
Give you a sip? There is nothing you can do to make me enable your disease.
Put that back in your pants! Stop flaunting it.
We get it.
You're well-endowed.
I have to run some errands.
I should be back in a few hours.
Sweet bag.
I didn't know they made that in gray.
Oh, man.
Remember that drawing? Thank God I didn't mail it.
Goldsmith would've fired me for sure.
Take it easy, mate.
I'll admit, I was surprised when you didn't mail the drawing.
How dare you think I'd mail your drawing.
If I weren't tied up right now, I'd slap your face.
I only took it with me 'cause I knew they were gonna pick up the trash this afternoon.
I was trying to not mail it.
I should've known you wouldn't mail it.
That would've been too obvious.
No, you had another plan in mind.
Not only is Joffrey the nephew of a former student, but he's also Latino.
Sorry, is there a bathroom nearby? Yes, right down the hall to your left.
Hurry back.
Wilfred? Ryan! What the hell are you doing here? Go home.
What are you doing with my bag? Ryan, wait.
Give me my bag! What are you Oh, my They kicked us out on the spot.
Joffrey lost any chance he'd have of getting into that school.
Kristen won't speak to me.
She thinks I'm some kind of sexual deviant.
And I know exactly how you did it.
You got the gerbil from the pet store; and the lube, the liquor and the ski mask from the convenience store.
This was all premeditated, because you're not actually Wilfred.
You're the evil god, Krungel.
Krungel? Dr.
Grummons told me all about it.
There's Mataman, the god who leads you to happiness, and then there's you.
Krungel, the other dog god, whose only purpose is to ruin your life.
Aside from what you think I did to you today, when else have I ever been out to "ruin your life"? Really? Leaving my wallet in front of my neighbor's house? Oh, that was a good thing.
I helped you stand up to him.
Getting the shit kicked out of me was a good thing? Or how about when you put a shock collar on me? Or the night I pulled down my pants to have sex with a stuffed giraffe in front of a little kid? Come on.
Those were more like practical jokes.
I'm talking about seriously ruining Amanda.
You know I had nothing to do with that, Ryan.
She was crazy.
Or maybe she wasn't.
Maybe you used your special dog powers to secretly talk to her and convince her to steal all that money and put it in a bank account under my name.
Whether I'm an evil god or not, rehashing the past isn't gonna do you any good, Ryan.
You've got to move on.
"Move on"? You destroyed the best relationship I've ever had.
All right.
If that's how you're gonna be, then you've got to realize there are two sides to every story.
You want to know what really happened today? Goldsmith's been such a bitch lately.
Come on, no way, dude! Like you said, you were going off on your boss, so we drew that cartoon, and you put it in the envelope.
" Envelope.
Oh, look at Bear over here.
"I'm a year sober.
"I can have just one.
I'll be fine.
" Gross.
It's in your hair.
What a night, huh? I could really use a little skin of the human that kicked me.
Dude, give me a sip.
Give you a sip? There is nothing you can do to make me enable your disease.
Put that back in your pants.
Stop flaunting it.
We get it.
You're well-endowed.
Sweet bag.
I didn't know they made that in gray.
Oh, man.
Remember that drawing? Thank God I didn't mail it.
Goldsmith would've fired me for sure.
Get your hands off of me.
What the hell? I didn't do anything.
Hey, take it easy, mate.
After you were gone, I realized I had to take off for an appointment.
It's like, I love Bear, but am I in love with Bear? It's so good to be able to talk to someone about this, Cheryl.
It's great.
This is the same length you usually do? It just looks different.
What do you think? That's not my dog.
Where's Pickles? Pickles? - Pickles! - On my way out, I figured I may as well grab a new gerbil for that little gerbil game Bear and I like to play.
Gerbil game? That's sick, Wilfred.
How is that sick? You stick the gerbil up your asses.
No! We cover the gerbil in some sort of slippery substance, then we run around and try to catch it.
It's called Catch the Gerbil.
It's just innocent fun, Ryan.
Of course, whoever catches the gerbil gets to put it up their ass.
It feels so good.
Get back to the story.
I had to pick up a lubricant for Catch the Gerbil, so I stopped by a convenience store.
Dennis! I ran into Dennis trying to buy some alcohol.
Your remember Dennis, right? My best friend? Well, Dennis and I are not only super, super close to the point of being practically family, but I'm also his A.
You don't want to do this, Dennis.
You know, Bear's back on the wagon.
What do you mean, Bear just texted you and said to meet in a hotel room in Van Nuys and bring the booze 'cause Bear's got an eight ball? Since my new haircut was hideous-- I'm not going back to Cheryl, by the way-- I needed to find something fast to cover it up.
And while I was at it, I figured I should pick up a gift for Joffrey to congratulate him on starting school.
I pictured him standing on the corner waiting for the bus every morning, no fur.
People don't know this about Southern California, but it gets cold.
I'd assumed the interview was just a formality, so I walked over to the school with Joffrey's gift.
Is that when you took my bag? Right, almost forgot.
That wasn't your bag.
On my way over, I spotted your exact same backpack in a shop window.
Well, you know how much I love that shade of gray.
So, naturally, I snatched it-- four-claw discount-- and moved all my stuff into it.
What are you doing with my bag? Ryan, wait.
Give me my bag! You I was only trying to get my bag back.
Yours was still in the office.
I wasn't out to ruin your life, Ryan.
It was all a complete misunderstanding.
I-I guess you're right.
Everything in your story makes total sense.
Except for one thing.
I always write my initials on the tags of my backpacks.
This is my bag, Wilfred.
You lied to me.
What are you hiding?! Aah! Nothing! I swear! Oh.
You're-you're back.
I just got in.
Are you? I'm alone.
Uh, Drew decided to stay back in Wisconsin.
Look, I-I'm not in the mood to talk about it.
Can I just get Wilfred, please? Actually, uh, uh, I'm in the middle of giving him a bath.
Uh, can I drop him off in a little bit? Sure.
That was Jenna.
As soon as you're ready to tell the truth Get me out of here, Wilfred! Good morning.
It seems you've been a little tied up lately.
Okay, that was lame.
Good morning.
Have you been down here learning the ropes? What? Th-That doesn't even make any sense.
You're losing your edge, Wilfred.
Okay, I got it.
Since you're tied to a chair and you're probably super bored, how was your night, Mr.
Chairman of the Board? Nailed it.
If you think you're gonna Ow! What the?! That's for calling me a mailman.
I would never mail a letter for you.
Whatever you want from me, you're not getting it.
Oh, I don't want anything from you, Ryan.
Except to give you a little taste of your own medicine.
Prepare yourself for the most excruciatingly painful experience of your life.
Aah! Okay.
I'm gonna go upstairs and get my blowtorch and my bag of red ants.
Uh, what? Y-You think this has gone too far, and you don't want to be a part of this anymore? What are you gonna do about it?! Huh?! You just do as you're told.
Keep an eye on him while I'm gone.
Thanks, Bear.
Are you guys ready to get your fiery stings on? Aah! Why were you lying to me?! What are you trying to hide?! I'll never tell! Is that the crinkling of a dog food packet when it's not meal time? Aah! The unrealized expectation of food! All right, all right! I'll tell you everything! The only part of my story I lied about was when I got to the school.
I'll see you tomorrow.
How you doing? Good.
How are you? Let's get out of here.
Yes, please.
She's out of the institution? Apparently.
She looked healthy.
She and her boyfriend seemed happy together.
I I was worried, if you saw that, it would make you upset.
I was scrambling to think of a way to get you out of there, when I realized I had the perfect combination of a deviant's delights-- the gerbil, the lube, the alcohol the ski mask.
When you went to the bathroom, I stole your backpack and put my things in it.
I had to get you kicked out of there.
I couldn't let you see her.
I don't believe you.
She was there, Ryan.
I swear.
Maybe she was.
And maybe she is healthy and sane.
But a boyfriend? A trickster god obviously couldn't stand to see me rekindle the relationship he destroyed.
That could only bring me happiness, right? What are you doing? The opposite of what you want me to.
Ryan, stop! You don't want to see her! Amanda.
Wait! Look, I know this is awkward, I can't do this, Ryan! At the hospital, they gave me all sorts of different things to try and help me.
Medication, therapy other stronger types of treatment.
Once we found the right combination, I got better.
And after a year, the court let my parents take me in.
I wanted to call you.
So badly.
But our relationship, it triggered something.
Those highs and lows, I-I can't handle them again.
I know it doesn't look like I'm doing so great, but I am on a good path.
And if I want to get healthy and keep moving forward on that path, I can't look back.
I can't have you in my life right now, Ryan.
Amanda I'm sorry.
You saw her in the halls.
I didn't want you to see her like that.
You were trying to protect me.
And I was thinking, if you wanted to patch things up with Kristen, you could tell her Drew put all that stuff in your bag.
You know, to make you look pervy as revenge for kissing his wife.
That's crazy.
You're right.
No one would ever believe Drew's that smart.
Although it's my best option.
I've been doing some thinking, too.
Maybe your version of the story is true.
Maybe you haven't been undermining me since we met.
Either way, I'm done punishing you for the past.
I'm done looking back.
I'm just gonna need some time to figure things out.
Until I know for sure.
I'm sorry.