Wilfred s04e07 Episode Script


I didn't know you were looking for work again.
Yeah, I have offers from a few hospitals.
But if I'm gonna go back to yanking out little miracles, it's got to be a perfect fit.
And I know what you're gonna ask my dating life, which you always do, even though - it's a little Luke-and-Leia-ish.
- So you're dating someone? I'm dating lots of someones.
It's fun.
I never played the field before.
Although it can get a little weird sometimes.
Like, on a first date, have you ever showed a girl your? Speaking of nuts.
Hey, Mom.
Uh, okay.
No, no.
No, I don't think that's a good idea.
Because there are trained professionals there.
No, I'm not calling you crazy.
Uh, Kristen, Mom, Mom maybe I should Let me in! Let me in! Ryan, come on! It's an emergency! What? Oh! Oh, my God.
That was close.
I almost shook myself off outside your door.
He rolled in a puddle on the way over here.
I don't know why he always does that inside.
Eh, he's a dog.
You could tell him to stop doing something - a thousand times.
- What if you forget to turn off your stove and then you end up blowing up your whole building? - Okay, well, let me remind you - I'm sorry.
Family business.
I get it.
I have to get to work.
Oh, wait.
Spare key.
I have to go into the office tonight, - so you can just pick him up whenever.
- Thanks.
No, you are not driving through a parking garage.
Because there are no parking garages there, Mom.
And you don't even have a car.
You know what, this is why you and every Hello? What's going on? Mom thinks she's ready to leave the sanitarium.
I said no, obviously.
Thank God I'm her legal guardian.
Imagine if these decisions were left up to her and not me.
She'd be walking the street with no clothes on, rooting through garbage, just pissing and shitting in public.
- And? - Where are you going? To Clouds.
Nobody hangs up on me in the middle of me yelling at them.
Well, I was already planning on visiting her today.
I-I can talk to her for you.
I think I'd rather do that myself.
I can be a lot meaner than you can.
Yeah, but that's gonna put you in a bad mood.
Besides, I can be pretty mean, too.
- Bitch.
- Hoo, hoo, hoo.
You're gonna have to do a lot better than that, you dickless, syphilitic runt.
She's good.
Real good.
"You're as crazy as your mother.
" That's what he said, right? The weird thing is I never mentioned your mom to Bruce.
Or whoever that old guy was.
H-How do you think I should bring up the idea of my mom leaving Clouds? I just don't want her to get all worked up about it.
I thought we were going out there to ask Catherine about Bruce.
We are.
I just figured, while we're there, I might as well smooth things over between Kristen and her.
Why? You heard my sister on the phone.
They're always at each other's throats like that.
It's up to me to keep the peace.
Or maybe they keep bickering because you stop the fights before they get to the late rounds, when the real heavy punches start landing and the weaknesses and vulnerabilities get exposed and Bald Bull starts doing the Bull Charge and, before you know it, Mario's just like You don't know my family.
I have to stop things from blowing up before it gets out of control.
Look, I know your parents' divorce must have been a slight bummer.
You mean the worst experience of my childhood? But this isn't that.
I know.
You're the one who made the comparison.
Fine, whatever.
As long as we're going out to visit Catherine, that's all that matters.
Ever since her cat died, the burden of responsibility has fallen on me to cheer her up when she's feeling blue, - to lick her face when it's covered in Funyun dust.
- Yeah, right.
- You love the attention.
- Doesn't make it any less of a burden.
Really? - What? - Three-legged dogs are the scourge of the dog community.
While the rest of us are out there working our asses off to get some attention, these lazy pieces of shit just rock up and get treated like royalty.
Drop it, boy.
Drop it.
Good boy! Good boy, Ralston.
I didn't know you had a dog, - Dr.
- He doesn't.
He has three-fourths of one.
Oh, I got Ralston years ago after I suffered a traumatic incident.
I don't know if I ever told you this, but I I was - Raped? - Gang-raped.
Let me give you some advice, young man.
Think before you blare your horn at a van.
Thanks to Ralston, it's getting easier for me to talk about the, uh incident, and he seems to inspire a lot of the patients here, as well, so I bring him in a few times a month.
The only thing a three-legged dog inspires is overcoming your worst fears and doing the impossible and achieving your dreams.
It's like, eat a dick, dude.
Hey, your mom looks different.
So healthy.
Did she do a cleanse? There he is! Oh, come here, boy! Excuse me, Ryan.
Duty calls.
- Oh.
- Watch out, Catherine.
There's my little snuggle-butt.
- Oh, you come here.
- Hey, Mom.
Hi, Ryan.
Morning, Catherine.
Well, I'll leave you two to catch up.
Mom, do you know a guy named Bruce? Mom? I knew this day would come.
I-I should have told you about him a long time ago.
I don't know how I ever let him suck me into those stupid games.
Games? Every Wednesday night, we'd sneak down into the boiler room.
What? Poker.
Gambling is against the rules.
We're talking about Bruce Chang, right? Down-down the hall in room 204? And you're sure you don't know any other Bruces? It's not like I get a chance to meet a lot of new people here.
I'm gonna get some lemon.
My name's Wilfred.
It's nice to meet you.
Ah, I forgot.
You can't do that, can you? Oh, hey, want to see what a human vagina looks like? Check it out.
I put my paws like this, and you put your Oh, shit.
You can't really do anything, can you? Listen, Kristen told me you're thinking about leaving Clouds.
Oh, I get it.
Kristen sent you here to be her happiness assassin.
No, I'd We'd love to see you back out in the world, but we tried it once, and it didn't work.
I'm on new medication, and Dr.
Cahill says I'm doing better than ever.
I've given this a lot of thought, Ryan, and I don't want to die in here.
Well, I guess if you think you're ready.
Oh, honey, thank you.
I know it's legally Kristen's decision, but it'll help that you're on my side.
Why don't you let me talk to Kristen? I'll catch her when she's in a good mood.
Look I know I'm a little kooky, but in some ways, sanity is like my fourth leg, and if Ralston can get by without his, so can I.
I can't believe I let this happen.
Remind me to never agree to anything while I'm listening to R.
Kelly on muscle relaxants.
Mom will be fine, and if she's not, I'm only a few blocks away, like we agreed.
Well, I, for one, am thrilled for Catherine.
Oh, what? You think I'm only glad 'cause she's away from that three-legged freak show? The idea that I might be even a little jealous of Ralston is just It's-it's just Hello? What the hell?! That's my head-laying lap! Why-why are you here so early? You told us to come over at 11:00.
- I'm pretty sure I said 1:00.
- Mom, you definitely said 11:00.
Hey, Cathy-cakes, have you seen my? Whoa.
Looks like Ralston isn't the only three-legged dog in Mom's life.
Kristen! Kristen?! This is why you wanted to move out? So you could carry on a secret affair with your therapist? It's not an affair.
- Elliott and I are in love! - Okay.
Even if you think you're in love, which I find very hard to believe, it's completely unethical not to mention illegal for a doctor to have a relationship with his patient! You are going back to Clouds where you'll never see Elliott again, because his ass is getting fired.
No! - I'm never going back! - Yes, you are! Mom, go inside.
That's nice, Mom.
Real mature! Is it so horrible that she'd find someone after all these years? She's obviously not well, and Dr.
Cahill knows that.
So either he's criminally taking advantage of her, or he's just as insane as she is.
So, you're prepared to throw away your whole relationship - with Mom? - She's the one throwing it away! At least take a day to think about it for me.
After you've calmed down, if you still feel the same way I'll support your decision.
Do it.
Just do it! Cut it off! Come on! We had a pact! What do you mean, this is the first you're hearing about a pact, and I cut off your arm with a chainsaw after drugging you? What are you doing? I thought you hated three-legged dogs.
As long as Ralston is still in Catherine's life, I don't stand a chance at reclaiming her affections.
Well, you don't have to chop off your arm or leg.
Kristen is gonna end up sending Mom back to Clouds, so Ralston's out of the picture.
We both know that's not gonna happen.
You'll find a way to keep the peace between Catherine and Kristen.
You always do.
Seriously, Bear, if you don't cut this leg off, I'm breaking up with you.
Oh, what do you mean, "That's a brilliant idea"? What do you mean, the solution to both of our problems is for Ryan to break up Catherine and Dr.
Cahill? What do you mean, I always say "What do you mean," then repeat everything you just said, word for word? We often spoke about our feelings, but we were celibate at Clouds.
It was only after your mother left that I, uh well, how should I put this delicately? um knocked the dust off it? Well uh, either way, Kristen still thinks she can get you fired.
Then let them fire me.
Ryan, do you know the day I realized that your mother wasn't just another run-of-the-mill, delusional, bipolar, manic-depressive? We were in group, and she was reading a poem that she had written about a dwarf stuck in a laundry machine.
Since that day, we have brought each other nothing but happiness.
If I end this relationship, clinically speaking, then I'm going to be making her the opposite of happy.
But-but if you don't break up with her, Kristen will use your relationship to send her back to Clouds.
Not only that.
You saw the way they were fighting.
This would tear them apart.
Maybe irreparably.
Ugh! I'd hate to be the cause of familial strife.
If you truly love her, let her go.
I guess we're all just dwarves stuck in laundry machines.
Oh, goddamn.
I'm sorry.
I'm not a monster, Ryan.
I agreed not to tell Clouds about that quack boning our mother, didn't I? I'm just saying, she had her heart broken.
She needs our support right now more than ever.
Loud and clear, Ryan, and with Ralston finally out of her life, Mom's going to need a lot of showering me with love to get her through this horrible depression.
I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it.
I'll get it.
Ryan, hurry up.
Open this door.
I'll get it! I'll get it! - What the hell is he doing here?! - Hi, Mom.
Don't you dare step one non-foot in this house! Settle down, Wilfred.
I thought Ralston belonged to Dr.
He did, but when we broke up, Elliott said he knew how much Ralston meant to me, so he said I could keep him.
Don't worry.
I left him with something to remember me by, too.
And I hope it burns.
- Ew, Mom.
- What? I-I gave him some of my old incense.
He said he felt like we were moving too fast, and he wasn't sure if he was ready to give up his career.
- I'm sorry, Mom.
- Well, maybe you were right.
Maybe he was taking advantage of his position.
Also, he dropped the rape card way too much.
You don't get out of doing the dishes just because you got gang-raped.
I'm just glad you got away from him.
Look at him, getting my lap, my treats.
Catherine! Catherine! Catherine! Catherine! Dr.
Cahill, what-what are you doing here? I was at the bar trying to forget how much my life totally sucks when I got your Facebook message.
My Facebook message? Yeah, I left as soon as I read it.
Actually, it's not true.
First I accepted your friend request, then I checked out all your photos, and I read everything on your wall.
Oh, my God, I didn't know you were friends with the Squishy Tits chick.
We should totally hang out sometime.
- Catherine! - What exactly did I say in my message that got you so excited? Well, that Kristen changed her mind, and I should come right away.
Oh, and to please sign your petition making fake-throwing gestures a felony.
I'm all about that.
Catherine! - Okay, we should go.
Right now.
- What? - I signed your weird petition! - Elliott? Catherine! Oh, my God, Catherine.
Ryan, what is he doing here?! Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
Please forgive me.
I did not mean what I said.
Being apart from you this past uh, day has made me realize what life was like without you, and it blew.
I don't ever want to lose you again.
In fact Cat Yeah.
Hold that.
Catherine Elizabeth Culpepper-Newman, will you marry me? Yes! That is it! I am calling Clouds! Aah! Oh, my God.
Ryan, I'm getting married! What are you doing here? I'm sorry.
Do I detect a note of anger in your voice? You're joking, right? - Where are we going? - I'm going to my mom's.
Kristen's there waiting for the Clouds people to come get her.
I can't let that happen.
"Weird pic.
" Why are people commenting on a Facebook photo? I didn't post anything today.
Jesus Christ! You're posting dick pics on my Facebook? Dick pics? I had my tail between my legs because I was nervous.
Even after I changed the password? Stop going on my Facebook! And that message that you sent last night? Thanks to you, my mom and Kristen are gonna tear each other's heads off! So what? Let them.
It's easy for you to say when it's not on you to stop the family from falling apart.
Why is it on you, Ryan? I get how hard it must have been to see your parents fighting when you were kids, even harder to watch them split up, but it wasn't your fault.
There's nothing you could have done.
What does that have to do with this? Just because conflict tore your parents apart doesn't mean it'll do the same with your mom and your sister.
Stop trying to analyze me.
You're not a psychiatrist.
I'm just saying, letting them slug it out now will be healthy for them in the long run.
Any psychiatrist would tell you exactly the same thing.
You look really nervous.
Let's go.
- I thought I wasn't going.
- You are now.
She's down the hall in the bedroom.
Craig, Shawn, this whole thing's a big misunderstanding.
Sorry, Dr.
C, we've got orders.
Wait! Please, don't do this.
I'm her son.
And I'm her legal guardian.
Go! Kristen, please.
I'm doing it for her, Ryan.
Don't touch me! Get your hands off me! You're not my daughter! No daughter of mine would purposefully try to destroy my happiness! You know, I didn't ask to be in this situation.
Maybe if I had a normal mother, I wouldn't be! Don't interfere, Ryan.
Letting them slug it out now is gonna be healthy for them in the long run.
Trust me, I'm a psychiatrist.
- Yes, you are.
- You make me go back there, and that is the last you'll hear from me.
Don't bother visiting.
Don't even call! Fine with me.
I'm sure it'll be easier to spend all my time managing your craziness from a distance! Oh, because you're such a martyr! Why don't you want me to be happy?! - Because it's not fair! - What do you mean, it's not fair?! Because I'm not happy! It's not fair that everybody else gets to be happy except me! I ruined my marriage! Nobody wants me now! I don't have any job offers.
And playing the field? I had one date in the last three months, and it was with a kiln operator from Color Me Mine, and he just, like, hit it and quit it! Oh, honey.
Oh, come here.
Anything you want to say? No.
I'm good.
No, I mean to me, like, "You were right.
" Shut up, Wilfred.
Oh I assume you're gonna get back to focusing on the cult? - I don't think so.
- What? We've come so far.
Maybe if my mom knew something about Bruce, but I don't know.
We're at a dead end for now.
Are you still pissed off at Ralston? Ah, no.
I've accepted I'll never be as loved as a three-legged dog.
They're just so damn inspirational.
That's big of you.
Yeah, it was tough moving on from that, but I was inspired by Ralston to do so.
It was also tough telling him that I was inspired by him, but I was inspired by him to do that, too.
And just then, telling you that I was inspired by him to tell him I was inspired by him, that was probably the hardest thing of all for me to say.
But I was inspired by Ralston to do that, also.
And when I admitted to you just now that Oh, there you are.
Come here, Wilfred! At least I'll always be someone's favorite.
Ryan, I keep forgetting.
- Here's your spare key back.
- I'll get it! Wilfred! I'm okay.
I'm okay.
Holy shit! I'm a three-legged dog, dude!