Wilfred s04e09 Episode Script


Happiness is a fallacy.
If I just agree with you, can we talk about something else? Anything else? I mean, there are things that make you happy, but it's not a sustainable feeling.
Parades don't last forever.
Fireworks burn out, colors fade.
It's not about parades and fireworks.
It's about that pair of tits there.
That's happiness.
A scratch behind the ear, the sun on your face a decaying seagull carcass.
Happiness is in the quieter moments, mate.
It's the small things that The vet said he might start vomiting, have a seizure or just stop eating.
What's that sound? Well, there are things that we can do.
I saw a Web site about these new steroids that I don't want to put him through that.
Anyway, guys, uh, it's good chatting with you.
We just need to make sure that he doesn't overexert himself and wait.
Thank you.
Any time.
No, I-I mean for you know, just letting me cry and not trying to fix me.
Drew used to always try to cheer me up by playing "Got your nose!" It was so annoying.
His heart was in the right place.
God, we were so young when we started dating.
It felt safe and comfortable, but I could never be myself around Drew.
It was like I was wearing this mask that I couldn't take off.
But I know that you love the real me, warts and all.
You have warts? Where is this place? I don't know.
Wonder why I never noticed it before.
Looks like a good place to curb stomp ducks.
Wilfred, are you insane? That's ironic, you asking me that.
Good one.
You can't smoke anymore.
Why? Because I got lung cancer? Well, that's just stupid.
That's like the guy who starts wearing condoms after he gets AIDS.
What the hell is that? Raw food: Chicken, liver, rice, seaweed, carrots and eggs.
This food can help you get better.
Ryan, I've eaten all kinds of shit-- rabbit shit, cat shit, deer shit-- I'm not a fussy eater.
But I draw the line at carrots.
Fine, then have some kibble.
I'll order you a pizza.
I'm not hungry.
Wilfred, you have to eat something, or you'll Finish the sentence, Ry.
I'm not giving up.
Mate, you gotta stop looking at this as a bad thing.
I have completed my godly mission of leading you to happiness.
I can't.
That-That's just not It's true.
When I met you, you were trying to off yourself with a bottle of pills.
Now, you're parting the pink seas with the girl of your dreams.
It's time for me to move on to the next pathetic loser.
I-I mean, "chosen one.
" It's just so sad.
Ryan, consider this.
If I Wilfred Wilfred! Wilfred? Oh, my God.
No! Wilfred! Gotcha.
Oh, you asshole.
I was just only trying to make you laugh.
Well, it didn't make me laugh.
Made me laugh.
I knew you two would get together.
Well, Ryan figured it out before I did.
Well, Ryan was always a very special little boy.
Even as a baby, he knew exactly what he wanted.
Always the left breast, never the right, and I bet he hasn't changed a bit, has he? You know, I've never seen any baby pictures of Ryan.
Yeah, they're here somewhere.
I-I haven't finished unpacking from my move, but I'll dig them out this week.
Well, Ralston pooped three times.
Of course, I only had two bags, so I had to improvise.
Ryan, how you doing? Come here.
How do you do? Nice to meet you.
Oh, looks like I got here just in time.
Your hug vitals are low.
- Oh.
- When was the last time you had your neck examined? Mmm.
Mm-mm! Don't worry.
I'm a doctor.
Hey, dickweed, check it out.
You're not the only tripod on the block anymore.
Wilfred, how you doing, little fella? Oh, Elliott, Wilfred has cancer.
You hear that, bitch? The big C.
Fourth-stage lung cancer.
I win.
I am so sorry.
But don't lose hope.
Listen, this little fella had cancer three times.
Seriously? Seriously? He's a real miracle.
I brought him to a holistic vet.
He used herbs, acupuncture, Reiki We haven't tried Eastern medicine.
The vet said Wilfred's too far along.
Well, it wouldn't hurt to get a name.
Oh, we can talk about this later.
Listen, as a practitioner of Western medicine, I was skeptical, but I'm telling you, this naturopathic "doctor" saved his life.
Isn't that right, my little survivor? Yeah, well, you may have had more cancer than me, but I'm the only one who has it now! Oh, shit! Is that a lump? Bloody hell! But Dr.
Ha could save his life.
I don't understand why you're so against this.
Because I can't handle hope right now! He's dying, Ryan! What are you doing, mate? I'm trying to save your life.
No, what you're doing is creating a rift between you and Jenna, and if that happens, my death will be meaningless.
This is how it's supposed to be.
I'm gonna die, you and Jenna are gonna be together forever, and nothing's gonna change that! Hey, bro.
Hey, Wilfy! How's my boy, huh? He has cancer.
And now he's got a 200-pound tumor.
My mom told him about Wilfred.
He called me to get the details, but he didn't say anything about coming out here.
Did you tell him about us? I meant to, but his call was so unexpected and I was so upset.
Whatever you want to do.
It's okay.
Let's just keep this about Wilfred.
Drew, take it easy with Wilfred.
He's not supposed to exert himself.
Yeah, okay.
I don't think he's too happy to see me.
Of course he is.
We all are.
Get rid of him, Ryan.
Throw his magnificent, rock-hard ass out of here.
Hey, check it out! It's Sporty! Sporty? Yeah, that's the squirrel that used to throw nuts at my rig every time I parked under the walnut tree out front.
At least he looks happy to see me.
You really should have called, Drew.
I mean, where are you gonna stay? I don't know.
I thought maybe with you? Uh, I I don't, uh Sorry.
That's stupid.
Never mind.
I'll figure it out.
You can crash on my couch.
Ryan, no! The past is the past, right? You hear that? She's laughing.
First time since she found out I was sick.
This is bad.
Why? You don't want Jenna to be happy? I want you to be happy.
It's my doggod-damned job! And it's not going to be possible if that horse-hung Neanderthal is back in Jenna's life.
He's not here for her.
He's here for you.
Jenna and I are fine.
Now let's just do what we can to make everyone comfortable.
I don't think Drew's going to be too comfortable.
What does that mean? Dog works in mysterious ways, Ryan.
Oh, my God.
What's so funny? Oh, I was just filling Jenna in on the Sheboygan social scene.
Our friends Dan and Marta just found out that they're pregnant with twins Again! again! Oh, classic Dan and Marta.
So, it's getting kind of kind of late.
Oh, yeah, I'm still on Sheboygan time, so for me it's 9:30? Wilfy needs his rest.
That's cool.
I'll just get up early and do yoga.
When did you start doing yoga? When I moved back to Sheboygan.
Hey, you still take that 6:30 class? Every morning.
Well if you don't mind, maybe I'll join you.
Sure could use a good workout.
Oh, God! Wilfred! Poor Sporty! Collateral damage.
Guess I'm sleeping on the floor.
Or perhaps at a hotel.
In Sheboygan.
You can't sleep on the floor.
You can sleep on my couch.
How could you let this happen?! What are you talking about? How could I? Not you! I don't expect anything from you.
You're just a puny human.
I'm talking about me! Well, some god I am.
How the hell did I not see this coming? Wilfred, calm down.
My plan backfired, Ryan.
She was yours.
And I've thrown her right back into Drew's arms.
That's not gonna happen.
They're doing yoga tomorrow, Ryan.
Yoga! Wilfred! Wilfred! My stupidity has cost you your happiness! I've failed! Wilfred, this isn't good for you.
You don't get it, Ryan.
I'm out of time.
I'm out of goddamn time and I've failed.
I've failed you.
Wilfred? Wilfred! Wilfred! Is he in any pain? Is there anything you can do? Some steroid, or I can give him something to make him sleep.
I love you, Wilfred.
No It's okay.
I'll stay here with him.
Oh You're a good boy, Wilfy.
Does he know I'm here? I hope so.
I'm really sorry for your loss.
Wilfred, I don't know if you can hear me Yeah, I can hear you, mate.
So this is how it ends.
Afraid so.
What am I gonna do without you? I guess that's up to you.
But do me a favor.
Have a good cry, get it all out, then move on.
Go be happy.
How can I be happy without my best friend? I know how you feel.
I asked myself that same question when Dennis died.
Recognize this place? The-The painting.
From the basement.
Wilfred is the basement Heaven? What do you think? No.
I don't know what to think.
Then stop thinking.
All your questions will be answered, Ryan.
But the big answers are like those missing kids on the milk cartons.
They don't want to be found.
They'll turn up when they're ready.
I don't, I don't think that's right-- they It's time to stop digging, mate.
Just be.
Will I ever see you again? I have to move on.
That's how Mataman rolls.
So you really are a god? Ryan, do you really think a guy like you could get a girl like Jenna without divine intervention? Yeah, I'm a god.
You're welcome, by the way.
Thanks, Wilfred.
For everything.
It's been my privilege.
And you're gonna do fine without me.
I'm done, mate.
You hold on to that.
Need any Stevia for your house? I'm good.
Six bucks for two cups of coffee.
At that price, I should've taken the half-and-half pitcher, too.
You must really miss him.
Only every second.
I remember when Sneakers died, you stayed in bed for three whole days.
I never thought I could love another dog more.
But you did.
So maybe you should get another one.
Wilfred was special.
I could never replace him.
And Jenna would see it as a huge act of betrayal.
How's she holding up? She's inconsolable.
Crying nonstop.
She and Drew are signing their divorce papers now.
Hope theirs goes down better than mine did.
In other news, I got a job.
Going back to medicine.
Really? That's great.
It's for a free clinic, so I'll only be treating poor people.
But on the plus side, at least I'll be around people more miserable than I am.
Oh, my God.
What you got there? Why, this here is, uh, is Jordy.
I'll, uh, I'll go take him for a walk.
Already? Uh Drew got him this morning.
So it's his dog.
We're gonna raise him together.
I-I don't understand.
We couldn't sign the papers, Ryan.
This week has been so awful, and and Drew's been so great.
You told me you needed some time alone, so I stayed away.
I-I didn't try to fix you.
I know, and I thought that's what I wanted, but I can't believe this.
Drew and I have a history together, and most of that history is really good.
It it just got bad when we came to L.
What about the mask? What about being who you really are? I-I overstated that.
It's-It's not true.
Yes, it is.
I think that's maybe the only true thing you've ever said to me.
I know you're hurt You said you were finally finding yourself with me.
Why don't you want that anymore? You don't understand.
You know what? I think I do.
I think I finally get it.
I'm in love with a fantasy.
That-That smiley, bubbly persona is just bullshit.
Y-You want to run back to Wisconsin and play it safe instead of taking a risk and maybe finding real happiness.
I'm sorry.
Me, too.
I'm sorry for you.
Hey, Ryan? - Really Really! - Ryan, don't.
Merry Christmas, everybody.