Wilfred (AU) (2007) s01e01 Episode Script

There Is A Dog

I'm so sorry.
No, don't worry about it.
It's embarrassing, though.
No, I've forgotten my wallet before.
So, this is the living room.
Just finished renovating that, thank God.
Um Kitchen here.
Gonna get started on that next.
And this is my room.
Hello, little man.
How's it going, my gorgeous baby? Hey, hey? You are gorgeous, aren't you? Think you're a person, don't you? Yes, you do! Do you like dogs? Yeah.
Um, I'll be back in a minute.
She's gone to the toilet.
Adam, is it? Yeah, that's right.
Have a good night? Yeah.
Yeah, it was great.
Where'd you go? Oh, we went for a drink and then we went and saw a band.
Oh, yeah.
What band? Powderfinger, actually.
Oh, yeah.
You want one of these? Thanks.
Sit down.
So, um, do you sleep in here? Yes, I do, Adam.
I still sleep in here quite a bit.
But not at night.
Not allowed to sleep in here at night anymore.
Why not? I get an itchy arse.
At night.
And, uh, just start rubbing it on the carpet a bit.
I'm not allowed to do it.
It's naughty.
You gotta cough to get off? Staying the night, are you, Adam? Yeah, yeah, I thought I would.
Do you know Mark? No.
Top bloke, Mark.
Do you know Andrew? I know of Andrew.
Ever been to the park with him? No, I haven't.
Real strong arm.
Yeah, he looks like he'd be pretty strong.
Yeah, I like him a lot better than I liked Terry.
You didn't like Terry? Bit the cunt.
You bit him? Yeah.
I got an old towel out in the back garage I like to play wrestle with.
And I'm not a young dog anymore, right? I already lost one tooth.
Got another one that's really sore.
And I'm biting it, right, and Terry, he just fucking yanks it.
And I'm like Into bed, Wilfred.
Yeah, so, I'm like and, yeah, bit him.
Badly? Well, he never came out in the garage again.
He stopped coming round not long after that.
You see Adam, I don't go looking for trouble.
You do the right thing by me, I'll do the right thing by you.
But if a bloke oversteps the mark, well, someone's gonna get hurt.
No, no.
Sounds fair enough to me.
I always sleep on this side of the bed.
Hope you don't mind.
Are you going to bed, are ya, Adam? Well, yeah, I thought Are you tired, are ya? Come and watch a DVD.
Into bed, Wilfred.
Into bed.
No! Let us know if you're gonna watch DVDs.
Yeah, I will.
I don't think he likes me.
Oh, are you in here? Yeah.
Where's Sarah? Oh, she's in bed, I think.
What have you guys been up to? Nothing much.
It's all been pretty much aboveboard.
Oh, pretty much aboveboard, eh? No, no, I'm serious.
We've just been having a bit of a kiss Oh, "a bit of a kiss and stuff".
Are you gonna be coming back round after tonight or what? I hope so.
Yeah, I hope so.
Sarah's a really nice girl.
Yeah, I know she is.
So, what - Sarah's asleep, is she? Yeah, yeah, I think so.
You wanna watch a DVD? Oh, look, Wilfred, I've You seen 'Goodfellas'? Yeah.
What about 'Face/Off'? You seen 'Face/Off'? Is that the one with John Travolta? Yeah.
No, I don't think I've seen that one.
Yeah, we'll watch DVDs and make nachos.
You do know how to make nachos? Yeah.
Did you wash your hands? Yeah.
I was interested in this little bitch over the road for a while, but, uh, I left me run a bit late and they ended up moving out, so, you know, that didn't work out.
I hooked up with this little piece outside the 7-Eleven a while back.
Now, that was alright.
That just came from nowhere.
But, um, yeah, haven't seen her since.
There could be more cheese on these.
Mate, I've never made nachos before.
Yeah, well, more cheese.
You can't go wrong with more cheese, you know? Layer the foundation of corn chips, cheese, salsa, guacamole if there is some.
Case in point, mate.
What do we this is a corn chip.
It's not nachos.
Who's a gorgeous boy? Smelly boy.
First the shampoo.
Don't get any in his eyes.
Do you know Mark? Top bloke, Mark.
Do you know Terry? Bit the cunt.
Wanna watch a DVD? You OK? Yeah, I think so.
So, what have you got planned for the day? Just to relax, I think.
Yeah? Um, 'cause I've gotta go out for a while and pick up some stuff, but maybe when I get back we could grab a bite to eat or watch a DVD.
Yeah, grabbing a bite to eat sounds good.
Yeah? Yeah.
I'll see you soon.
A bit of quiet time, eh, Adam? Jeez, you gave me a fright.
Oh, give you a fright, did I? Yeah, I didn't know you were there.
Well, where else am I gonna be? I don't know.
Would you be happier if I was out in the backyard, chewing on a ball or something? No.
Too old for that, Adam.
Too old, too wise.
Seen too much.
Is Sarah back yet? Probably seen some shit a dog shouldn't see.
Wilfred, where's Sarah? In our thoughts, as always.
Nice place we got here, isn't it? Yeah, it's a mansion.
'Marilyn Mansion'.
Is that what it's called? No.
Get up.
I wanna show you something.
See all these holes? Holes of frustration, anxiety.
Frustration and anxiety.
It just seems like every time someone new comes into our lives and things start getting settled, something fucks up and bang, you've got yourself another hole.
New anxiety.
You feel a sense of abandonment, don't you? We recently had a tragedy in our family It's not always about food, you know? I'm not a fucking idiot.
I do have an appreciation for other things.
I mean, fuck me dead, I know I'm not supposed to eat half the shit I do, but I just get so depressed.
You can feel like that when you've been abandoned.
Don't condone to me.
You're talking down to me.
I open up to you and you condone down to me.
You do! No, Wilfred, I'm not being condescending, if that's what you're saying, I'm just I just want Sarah to be happy, you know.
But how can she be with all them? The holes? No.
What's that? That's a rock, isn't it? Yeah, you wish it was a rock.
Come on, fingers, get into it.
Mate! I just finished cleaning that side of the yard.
He never came down the garage again.
He stopped coming round not long after that.
Someone's gonna get hurt.
He never came down the garage again.
Someone's gonna get hurt.
Have you thought about getting your gutters done? What? Your gutters, uh My sister's ex-boyfriend does gutters, fixes them, and and, uh, yeah, these need some work, so Yeah.
Better get down.
Are you gonna come inside? Uh, I can't, I've got heaps of work to do, and if I go now I'll be able to beat the peak hour traffic.
So Because I just brought a new bikini.
It's sort of a sexy cut, lime green.
I just wanted you to let me know if it's a bit too small.
Sarah, do you wanna give us a hand? Jesus! Shit! Fresh towel? You might wanna whack these on as well - some of Mark's old things.
Bit big on you, maybe, but they're clean.
Well, that's important, yeah.
I'm going to see what Sarah's up to.
Something smells good.
Why are you wearing those clothes? Oh, mine had mud all over them, so I thought I'd just whack these on.
Why didn't you just ask? I mean, that's what people do, isn't it? They ask before they put on other people's clothes.
Well, I heard you cooking and I didn't want to bother you.
So, you just helped yourself to my wardrobe? Yeah, well, Wilfred, um Wilfred what? I didn't want to bother you.
Yeah, thanks, Adam.
Thanks for not bothering me.
I'm sorry.
I I normally do ask before I borrow something.
No, it's OK.
I just must have momentarily lost my mind.
It's just that the last time I saw him in those clothes he was taking Wilfred up the coast, and then the next day, he We, uh we had a tragedy in our family not so long It's just that he was so young.
This boy knows how to cheer me up.
Come up here, little man! Who's a good boy? Game of Uno? 'Rubber Soul'? Overrated.
'Revolver'? Overrated.
'The White Album'? Overrated.
Pepper's'? Has some good songs on it.
Like what? 'Hotel California'.
I used heaps of chilli.
I hope you don't mind.
No, no.
I'm a big chilli fan.
I think we both are.
Last night, Wilfred and I You didn't give Wilfred anything with chilli on it, did you? You'll kill him.
I mean, cheese and chilli He can't handle it.
Yeah, OK.
You didn't give him anything with cheese on it, did you? No.
Oh, shit! I'm out of paprika.
Um, do you reckon you could go to the shop for me? No, no.
That's fine.
And take Wilfred with you? Mmm.
What was I saying? I don't know.
We should probably head back before Sarah starts to worry.
That's right.
My brother Walter.
Seriously injured four blokes the day they tried to get him fixed.
Got one of 'em in the jumbler.
In the neck.
Did they fix him? No way.
Are you fixed? What - are you suggesting I don't have the wherewithal to look after Sarah properly? No, I'm not suggesting that.
Because I do the best I can under extremely trying circumstances.
Wilfred, no-one's doubting you've got the necessary gumption.
'Cause if I don't look after her, who's going to? You? I could look after her.
Oh, mate.
Come on.
Wilfred, how can you say that when you've only just met me? Blokes are waltzin' into our lives like breaths of fresh sunshine all the time.
They're buyin' me toys and shit, big-noting themselves.
I just get used to them and then they fuck off or die.
Don't even say goodbye! Are you gonna be like that, Adam? No! Because if 'Cause you know who's gonna have to pick up the pieces after you're gone.
You know, Adam, a couple of years ago a bloke came along, reminded me a bit of yourself.
Didn't like him the moment I first laid eyes on him.
But everyone said, "Give him a chance.
" So I give him a chance.
What does he do? He goes and leaves the gate open, doesn't he? I get out, run away, almost get run over.
Sarah nearly has a heart attack.
Turns out they found me a couple of hours later running around the park with a couple of local kids.
Things turned out alright.
But the point is He shouldn't have left the gate open.
Adam, you seem like a nice enough guy.
Sarah seems to like you.
If I did have one criticism, you seem to lack a bit of ticker.
I dunno how you can say that, Wilfred.
I And you slur your words.
I just just call it as I see it.
Mate, I'm afraid he'll have to leave.
Oh, here we go.
Oh, hang on.
Well, OK, we'll just finish these No, you'll have to leave now.
Don't worry about it, Adam.
Hang on.
What law says he can't be here with the rest of us? Australian law.
Oh, well, it stinks, mate.
No! No! Come on, get out of here.
Come on.
Come on.
Oh, come on, Wilfred.
Let's go.
So, you don't mind throwing your weight around, eh, Adam? I would have done it for anyone, Wilfred.
Oh, just anyone, am I? You're my friend.
I stick up for my friends.
We're friends now, are we? Taking your girlfriend for a walk, dickhead? Oi! Oi! Wilfred! Get back here, you smelly boys! Why isn't he on a leash, dickhead? You guys gave him a bit of a fright, OK? Yeah, we'll give you a fright.
Where are you, you bastard? We've got your dog! Come on, you little wanker! Come on! We're gonna get you, mate! Come on! Wilfred! Wilfred.
Wilfred! Wilfred! You're not gonna believe this.
What? Are you OK? Oh, these wankers were hanging shit on us from a car, and Wilfred Is this a fighting story? No, it's not a story.
This is 'Cause I'm not interested in that macho bullshit.
Did you get the paprika? Yeah, I did, but Oh, quick, where is it? You say grace, do you? Yeah - sometimes.
Well, wait for me next time.
I wanna get back into that sort of shit.
What - are you religious? Oh, I'm not a freak or anything.
I just like to give thanks for things like food and family.
Even though it's just me and Wilfred.
It's, um, getting cold.
Oh, that is rotten.
Oh, I've smelt worse.
Not much worse.
Oh, Wilfred.
That is possibly the stinkiest yet.
Make it home alright? I think I'm gonna go to bed.
Um, are you gonna crash here or? I have to, won't I? I can't find my clothes.
Well, think about where you might have left them.
I know where I left them.
That's the problem - they're not where I left them now.
They'll turn up.
Just come to bed.
I'm gonna have another look for my clothes first.
Well, I'll see you soon, then? OK.
Where's Sarah? Gone to bed.
Yeah, well, you're insecure.
Um, you lack self-confidence, and as a result, you often swallow your words.
I hope you don't mind me saying this, but you're also a little bit paranoid.
You know, these are all signs of depression.
Well, I don't feel depressed.
You're depressed.
I just have to question your ability to make a diagnosis like that.
I mean, you've got no degree, you've got no background in psychology.
Now, that is just unfair.
No, it's not unfair, Wilfred.
You're not a psychologist.
You're sitting here making assumptions about someone that you've known for less than 24 hours.
That is unfair.
I pride myself on having an answer for everything.
You ask me any question.
Alright, I'll ask you a question, OK? Um, what's the domino effect? Dunno.
My saliva has more healing qualities than your saliva, for instance.
Yeah, I have actually heard something like that.
See, all Sarah sees is me licking my arse.
But I don't do it to be annoying.
You know, it's not an erotic thing, it's not erotica.
It's just part of the healing process.
We had the tragedy in the family and I was pretty upset about that.
But in the past few months, I've started to really get on top of things.
Started to feel really happy about my life.
And I think at times like that you often meet someone, and I hope that someone's Sarah.
Is that heater turned on? Are you cold? So, Sarah doesn't like you coming up here? Painful memories, maybe.
Like? What? Heaven.
Click it, click it, click it.
Just knock off little mama, kick me off the bed and watch DVDs.
Yeah, it doesn't work like that, fella!