Wilfred (AU) (2007) s01e04 Episode Script

Walking The Dog

1 If I had one regret, it would be that I didn't have Wilfred from when he was a little baby.
What, you didn't have Wilfred from when he was a pup? No, he was full-grown when we got him.
You're kidding.
Why? Oh, I just assumed you had him a lot longer.
Might explain a few things.
Like what? You know, just because we haven't had him since he was young, doesn't mean he's not as lovable or important.
No, no, no, I'm not saying that.
I'm just saying, well his behavioural problems, quite frankly.
He's out of control, Sarah.
So, what are you saying? Get rid of him? Kill him? No! Don't be ridiculous.
I'm not saying that.
I'm just saying it could turn into a bit of a problem, if it hasn't already.
You know, I'm I sometimes worry that someone's going to poison him or something.
Those letters are pretty serious.
Oh, it's not my fault he barks all day.
Why does he do it? What am I supposed to do? I work all day.
You know, I can't even stay out overnight without a drama.
Sometimes I just want my own life.
Oh, hang on.
This isn't it.
No, no.
Let's see this one.
No, but I I wanted to show you the one with the sprinkler.
And this one's got me and Mark on it.
Sarah, so what if you had a life before me? Who cares? This is this is good.
Oh, baby, stop it! Put me down.
Are you sure you don't want me to turn it off? No, no, it's fine.
Mark! Hello.
Hey, baby.
Mark's still here, isn't he? You wanted to see it.
Oh, no, it's not just the tape.
He's everywhere, though, isn't he? He's in the yard, he's in the house.
I just want to go away for a day where it's just you, me and Wilfred.
We can clear our heads.
Wilfred can just run himself ragged.
He probably just needs the exercise, anyway.
Why don't we do that? Why don't we take my car up the coast tomorrow, get up early, and make a day of it? Oh.
What about your work do? Oh, don't worry about that.
I can get out of that.
It's just a barbecue.
You said it could be a clincher.
Oh, stuff it.
They treat me like shit there anyway.
No, no, no.
This is important.
It'll be fun.
I can't wait, actually.
No, no.
This is going to be great.
I love it when you get passionate.
Wind your window down, please, Adam.
There's fresh air.
All the way up or all the way down.
Sorry about the car.
That's fine.
I've forgotten that my car has no brakes before.
Hundreds of times.
I'm an idiot.
Do you want me to drive? No.
You haven't got a manual licence.
What's this cunt looking at? Oi, Adam.
Check out this clown.
What's his story? It's alright, mate.
He's just looking at you.
Yeah, there's looking at me and then there's just smart-eyeing.
Oi! Your head looks like a half-sucked mango.
You need a good smack in the mouth! Have a think about it.
What are you looking at, Dilbert? Keep your eyes on the road.
Oi, you want some of this, do you? You want some of this? I'll kill you in front of your kid! Yeah.
Yeah, keep driving.
Wilfred! Wilfred, that'll do, eh? Just slow down.
Slow down.
Mate, they're just driving.
It's alright.
They're just driving, mate.
Yeah, you know, you could back me up once in a while, Adam.
Well, it's not like she can just go anywhere.
# We're almost there, we're almost there # We're almost there, we're almost there # We're almost there, we're almost there # We're almost there, we're almost there We're almost there Don't run away, please.
You OK? Yeah.
Why? Well, you just seem a bit quiet.
Reflective or something.
Oh, sorry.
I didn't mean to be.
It's OK.
I guess I just forgot how much I love coming here.
Hang on.
You've been here before? Yeah.
This is our beach.
But but you said No, no, see, this is what I'm saying - I wanted to find a place that meant 'us'.
This is where Mark used to go surfing? No, no, no, it isn't this is not what I want.
I Well, why didn't you tell me? You were so excited about coming here.
I was excited about taking you and Wilfred to the beach, yes, not not a fucking memorial service.
II didn't mean that.
That's I'm sorry.
I'm sorry too, sweetie.
I-I don't know.
I just get a bit jealous from time to time.
Well, you shouldn't.
I know I shouldn't.
It's a great spot.
I'm glad we're here.
Oh! Wilfred! What's with the three-quarter-length boardies, Adam? Where are your legs? Have you got something to hide? Wilfred, now I'm all wet.
Looking a bit pink on the face there, Adam.
Jump in the water.
Cool yourself down.
Oh my shoulder still feels a bit dislocated.
Oh, shoulder.
The old sore shoulder.
Well, I guess that rules you out, then.
Would you mind throwing the ball with Wilfred? Well, yeah, it'll have to be my left arm, 'cause Yeah, OK.
I'm scared of the deep water.
Grab the ball, Adam.
Mate, we're getting sucked out! Oh, Adam, you crack me up.
Go and grab your floaties.
I can barely stand, mate.
I think we're caught in a rip.
Might be time to head in.
Fucking! This is what I warned you about, Adam.
You must swim between the flags.
Now, it's all very well to play bloody tennis balls Fucking hell! But surf safety is not a game.
I'll see you in there.
Good luck, Adam.
Wilfred! How many times do we have to tell you? Swim between the flags! Yeah, dickhead.
Well, I guess that seals it, then.
We can't go yet.
What are we going to do with Wilfred? We'll tie him up.
Come on, you said you wanted a beer.
What happened to that? I won't have a beer with someone who treats me like a leper.
I don't treat you like a leper.
You do! You act like you're all embarrassed of me.
You didn't embarrass me.
You embarrassed yourself.
I actually thought it was funny.
I know you did.
I know you did.
And now you're disowning me.
You won't even walk with me, Sarah! Get over it! You're still alive, aren't you? Oh, that's it.
I've had it.
Maybe you'd be happy if I was still out there.
- Where did that come from? - Oi! Are you alright, darling? Yes.
Darling? She said yes, mate, OK? Was I talking to you? Yeah, I'm fine.
My boyfriend's just breaking up with me.
I'm not breaking up with you.
What are you going out with him for? Hey, aren't you Sarah? Yeah.
Mark's old girlfriend? Yeah, that's right.
Mark was a great man.
Yeah, commiserations, man.
Mark was rad.
Can we just forget this day ever happened, and, you know, just get in the car, go home? Come on.
You nearly drowned.
Come on, mate.
What the fuck? Come here, babe.
There you go.
That's alright.
Fuck off.
That's OK.
The other day, we were watching the telly, and his ears just pricked up.
Where is he? What? Where the fuck is he? Fuck.
How long have we been in here? Wilfred, come here, baby.
Wilfred! Wilfred! Fuck! What have I done? It's not your fault, Sarah.
We were only in there for 20 minutes.
Wilfred! Wilfred! He won't have gone far.
He's probably already made his way back home.
But that's miles away.
Well, stranger things have happened.
Can't you just send out word to the patrol cars to look out for him? Not our job, mate.
You need to contact the RSPCA.
We've already called them.
Well, I don't know what to say to you.
You don't seem overly concerned, mate.
I mean, you know, we're not from here.
It's getting dark.
We're very busy, mate.
Call the RSPCA again.
Surely it's not too much trouble, you know, just to get on the radio.
We're very busy, sir.
Yeah, well, thanks for nothing, mate.
It's not his fault, Adam.
Don't be a smart-arse.
What? Bit of Alsatian, bit of labrador.
Yeah, 'bye.
Wilfred! Wilfred! Where are you, mate? Wilfred! Come on, boy.
Wilfred! Wilfred! Sarah, I I'm sorry I suggested going to the beach at all.
You know, I thought taking him away would be just what he needed to feel a bit more happy and secure.
I thought that, you know, you needed the break as well.
You were saying you didn't have a life because Wilfred's so demanding.
Yeah, well, I don't have to worry about that now, do I? Do you want me to go? Oh, yeah, that's just what I want - to be left alone in this cold friggin' house.
I don't know where we go from here, Adam.
Look at him go! I know.
He's actually starting to freak me out.
Look out! Oh, my God! Sarah.
Puppy! Where was he? How are you, dude? Good, mate.
He was chasing a Vespa.
Dragging a bloody table down the road.
Steve reckoned it was Mark's dog.
I haven't seen him this happy in ages.
Not since Mark and I were together.
Are you the dude that nearly drowned at the beach today? Yes.
That was funny, man.
Thank you.
Oh, my sweet little angel.
Mummy will never leave you again.
Will she? Can you hear that? Hear what? Fuck me, that's loud.
What, the telly? Too loud? No, it's whistling.
Look, what, you can't hear that? The kettle? Are you are you telling me you seriously cannot hear that whistling noise? Well, there's certain high-pitched sounds I can't hear.
I mean, our ears aren't as highly tuned as yours.
Yeah, I know that.
I just thought even you might have been able to hear that one.
Jesus, someone's ripping into something.
They're trying to send me over the edge.
Shut up! Behaviourism.
The belief that animals are conditioned into certain types of behaviour.
It's like nature versus nurture.
That's nurture.
For instance, if I was to ring a bell every time you're about to get fed, then you would soon salivate at the sound of the bell alone.
No, that's because I'm hungry.
That's not nurture.
Have you heard of Pavlov? Ivan Pavlov? Mmm He did a lot of pioneering research into the physiology of the heart, the nervous system, the digestive system.
Yeah, well, he was the first person to demonstrate conditioned and unconditioned reflexes in dogs.
I've heard of pavlova.
No, that that is bullshit.
That is just bullshit.
Like, say, it's like me when I'm, say, eating out the arse of a dead possum.
Right? I'm eating out his guts through his arse - like, I get my teeth right in there, get into it - but no-one taught me that.
I just did it one day.
It happened.
Been doing it ever since.
No, again, I just just don't don't see why, when I'm not even rubbing it, why I'm not allowed to just, you know, chill out.
Lie on the rug and that.
But you don't just lie on the rug and that.
You rub your sometimes itchy arse on Sarah's good rug.
And that upsets her.
She finds that upsetting, Wilfred.
Yeah That is not erotica.
OK, you define 'erotica'.
Um OK, erotica is Yes? What sometimes feels good When we? When we When we rub our bottoms .
on the carpet.
My name's Dr Jack Underwood.
Yeah, I know who you are.
Seems to recognise me.
Holy guacamole.
I'm sorry for going ahead with this against your wishes.
How is it in there? It's pretty damp.
It's cruel, it's illegal and it's abusing an animal, and that is where I have to step in.
They're just talking.
And touching.