Wilfred (AU) (2007) s01e08 Episode Script

This Dog's Life

I'll just meet you inside.
Alright, mate.
Alright.
Gotta go to the toilet.
No worries, mate.
And what about the arse? I'm sure she's got a lovely Well, everything seems to be in order.
She's got a lovely coat, lovely temperament Oh, well, that's that's not important.
No? No.
See, feisty, there's nothing wrong with feisty.
Went up to Staples Creek recently, and, uh, was introduced to this, uh, tasty little cracker.
Probably a bit too young for mine, truth be known, but, um, yeah, she was a screamer.
That sounds great, mate.
Screamer! Well, I don't know if this one'd be your type.
Nah, nah, wheel her in, wheel her in.
Oh, my tastes cover a very broad spectrum.
Well, fortunately for everyone here, my tastes cover a very narrow spectrum - one dog, one bone, as they say.
Hey, I might go and see our favourite little lady now.
Gonna come? I won't, Adam.
I got some shit I gotta take care of in the backyard.
Gotta go see a man about a dog, as they say.
Get in there.
OK.
How's my cutie pie? Oh, Jesus! You OK? Yeah.
You just gave me a fright, that's all.
Wilfred and I have had the best afternoon.
We went to the park, and there's this guy clipping dogs' toenails, so guess who had a pedicure? Wilfred.
Oh, you shouldn't have done that.
How much was it? It was only $5.
Let me fix you up for it.
What are you talking about? I don't want you paying for things.
What's wrong? You know how we haven't been so careful lately? Yeah we've been a bit naughty Well, I went to the doctor's on Monday and I found out why I've been sick.
And? Whoa! I thought I was reproductively challenged! II never saw myself being a dad! This is great! I'm sorry, baby.
I'm being so selfish.
You are gonna be a great mum! II wasn't gonna mention this, because every time I do the day turns into a disaster, but I don't know, I woke up this morning and I thought to myself, "No, I'm not gonna say anything.
" But bugger it - I've had the best day with Wilfred! We're getting on better than ever! I've got the most beautiful girlfriend in the world, and now I find out I'm gonna be a dad, and it's all happened on my birthday! It is mine, isn't it? Heading off, mate? Yep.
Just get her straight out of your head, Adam.
Throw yourself into your work.
Soon as you open the floodgates, you're fucked.
But I don't want to be in denial.
Denial's good.
Look at me - you don't see me moping around, feeling sorry for myself.
Why? Denial.
Thanks, Wilfred.
Adam for what it's worth, these last couple of hours have been great.
Yeah, Wilfred, they have.
If you want my advice Actually, mate, no, I don't.
OK.
What the fuck? Who the fuck are ya? Excuse me? Who the fuck are ya? I fucking hate ya! Wilfred, get out the back.
Go on.
Go on, mate.
Sarah Pickford? That's right.
My name's Peter Fitzpatrick, from the law firm Stockard, Channing and Wilder.
I represent the parents of Mark Francis.
OK It's my duty to inform you that Mr and Mrs Francis have successfully contested Mark's will on the grounds that he was emotionally unstable when he lodged it, and as a result, they have taken possession of this house.
You have 28 days to vacate.
Good day, Ms Pickford.
Not now, little man.
Will you fuck off? Yeah, I know.
I know.
Yeah, yeah, I know all that.
Well, she's gotta live her life.
She's a big girl.
She can make her own decisions.
Yeah, she knows how I feel.
Yeah, I'm OK, I'm alright.
I'm just gonna throw myself into my work.
I've been neglecting it anyhow, so Yeah, yeah, it hurts.
Mmm.
Hurts quite a bit, actually.
Yeah, yeah, I'll get the Coke and garlic bread with that.
$19.
95? Yeah.
OK.
Yeah, I'll have close to the correct change.
'Bye.
Ohhh! Nuh.
Nuh.
Nuh! NUH! # Will someone fill this hole inside? # Tonight? # Come on, baby Tambourine auditions aren't till next week.
I'm not here for tambourine auditions, and you know it.
We don't need a pooper-scooper now my guts have clammed up due to stress and I can't shit anymore.
Picking up shit's never been my forte, mate.
Hey, the band sounds great.
Does it? No, it doesn't.
You left us! It's 'nachos', mate, not 'nach-oss'.
He got him in the 'jugular', not 'jumbler'.
And it's 'Alec' Baldwin, not 'Alex' Baldwin, you stupid shit! You love Sarah so much you want to destroy every good thing in her life that doesn't include you, you stupid, selfish, rotten, smelly boy! You're a naughty boy! I want you to come back.
I can't.
But why? 'Cause Sarah doesn't want me anymore, mate.
But we were happy.
Can't ya can't ya can't ya can't ya can't ya can't ya do something? What can I do, Wilfred? Are you in some kind of trouble? Well, if some guy's knocking on your door making threats and demands, I'll make it my problem.
Well, I'll fix it.
Yeah, well, right.
Well see, I think this is the problem.
I think you underestimate me.
Yeah, I do, I do.
I think you and your dog underestimate me.
No, you're my friend.
I look after my friends.
Nuh.
We'll see.
OK.
'Bye.
I can't do it, mate.
I can't just pick up everything and start again.
This is it for me.
I've been through so much fucking! I've been through so much! Wilfred, don't, man I'm sorry.
Wilfred I'm sorry! I'm sorry! But I just get freaked out by all the suitcases and the boxes and shit! I start following Sarah around from room to room! Wilfred, please don't, mate! Please don't! You're the best dog anyone could ever have, mate! You are! And what I find so frustrating is I can see that you love Sarah so much.
I love her so much! I know you do, mate.
And all you want to do was be come into her life and love her too, but I wouldn't let ya! You're a good boyfriend, Adam.
I did my best, mate.
Ever since the tragedy in the family Here he is, here he is.
Shut up! Shut up! That's the cunt.
Follow him.
Don't lose him.
Don't lose him! Let me get this straight - if Sarah doesn't pay her overdue DVD fines, this guy's gonna repossess the house, smash both her kneecaps and cut her dog's throat? "Slash that mangy mutt's throat.
" Quote, unquote.
"And guts".
Don't move, or I'll blow your fucking brains out! Jesus! You're gonna forget you ever heard the name 'Sarah Pickford'! If you go anywhere near her house again, I'll kill your children, and your children's children, and your children's children's children! That's the worst Irish accent I've ever heard.
You don't want to mess with this guy.
Shut up, Wilfred.
Yeah, I know he's not that bright.
Wilfred! Let me tell you, despite his appearance and weakness of character - and he had braces when he was a kid - this guy, he has a mean streak.
All we're saying is to pull your head in before it gets shot off.
That's not Irish.
You sound like a fucking pirate! Let go of the gun! Ahhh! Jesus.
Fuck.
He grabbed the gun, Wilfred.
He grabbed the gun.
Why did he grab the gun? Will you calm down? I need to think.
Time for plan D.
Oh, God.
Couldn't let this beauty go to waste.
So I guess this makes you family now, Adam - officially.
What do you mean? You killed a man in cold blood.
But you you That's right - you-you and me-me are a team-team.
I'm not gonna let you out of my sight from now on.
Wherever you go, I go.
This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship, Adam.
I've made a wish.
Adam, I'm so sorry for everything that's happened.
Do you think there might be a chance for us? Let's start again.
Good.
See, one of the positives of moving to this side of town is there's a whole female infrastructure that hasn't been tapped into yet.
Not by my structure, anyway.
How old do you reckon I am? You're nine, aren't you? No.
I'll rephrase the question.
If you didn't know how old I was, how old do you reckon I'd be? Nine.
No, see, you're you're answering that question under the influence of already knowing I'm nine.
Alright, well eight, then.
Fuckin' eight?! I don't look eight.
Look, ask a man in a street and he'll tell you I don't look a day over five.
Feel my coat.
I've already felt it.
Yeah Feel it again.
Go on, do it.
Check it out.
Hmm.
Nice? Yeah.
That's why I became a touch dog.
What's that? Canine helper.
See, we go to hospitals.
Right? And, uh and they'll put us on the ends of beds of people in comas.
And, uh, miraculously, those people come out of those comas.
Have you ever helped someone come out of a coma? I've only been fuckin' once.
What happened? Oh there's that He was sick.
He was sick, that one.
What happened? He was sick.
Fuckin' sick.
Wilfred, did he die after the touch dog thing or during? Fuckin' after.
Yeah my first day at boarding school, I got busted wanking.
And that was it.
You know? Hmm.
Adam Douglas - wanking.
Tug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a.
Tug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a.
Tug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a Fuck off, Wilfred.
Tug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a.
Tug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a.
Is there a dog equivalent? Hmm.
Elizabethan bucket.
Once you're wearing one of those, mate, your career is over.
I had this dream that the sons of mongrels and the sons of pure breeds can just play together.
Just play, run around sort of thing.
Procreate? Oh, keep it out of the gutter, would you, Adam? I'm just saying that I had this dream that little cross breeds and little puries can sit down together and just talk.
And if they so choose to take it that one step further, then they can do so away from the prying eyes of those who see it merely as erotica.
Tug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a.
Tug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a.
Tug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a-dug-a.
Any of them chockie bickies left? Yeah.