Will and Grace s01e01 Episode Script

The Pilot (Love & Marriage)

- What are you doing? - Hanging out.
- Come over.
- Will, I can't.
Come on, Grace.
You know you want to.
- Of course I want to, but-- - It's gonna be a good one.
- I can feel it.
- It's always good.
Still-- If you're not gonna come over, do you want me to talk you through it? It's tempting, but I think I'll watch "ER" here.
Another night alone with my clicker.
Is that what the kids are calling it? So I went back to the sale today.
- Did you get that black flowy thing? - No, you were right.
It's too Stevie Nicks, the heavy years.
Eriq La Salle just smiled.
- Really? - No.
- Did you buy anything? - Yeah, I got a great camisole.
- Sexy? - Man: I'm going to sleep.
Ask me in the morning.
- Was that Danny? - Yeah, jealous? Honey, I don't need your man.
I got George Clooney.
Sorry, babe, he doesn't bat for your team.
Well, he hasn't seen me pitch.
Say, "Good night, Gracie.
" Good night, Gracie.
It's to you, Jack.
Give me a minute, please? Okay? A room without windows A room without doors It's to you, Jack.
Give me a minute, please? Wow! A room where no guy but I can spy that No-ooo, not gonna risk it this time.
Four cards, please.
Here's my ace.
Jack, now that you're moving in, can I make one small request? What's that? Change everything about your personality.
I get it, comedy.
You didn't tell me Jack was moving in with you.
Not moving in, he's just staying until his apartment's finished.
- ( humming ) - Oh, I know that one-- I know-- Did he need a stronger hand? - Did he need a - Jack! He's not humming your intro.
That's just a straight guy's way of thinking that you and I could ever be a couple.
Okay, first of all: Will should only be so lucky.
So let's just clear that right up.
Second of all: you don't even know me that well.
Why would you just assume that I was gay? I finished.
Okay, FYl, folks, most people that meet me do not know that I am gay.
Jack, blind and deaf people know you're gay.
Dead people know you're gay.
- Do we play poker? - Yes.
Come on, who's in? I'm in for 10.
I'm fine.
Keep playing.
Oh look, it's Sporty Spice.
Did you and Danny have a fight? Yeah, but I don't wanna talk about it right now.
- I can't even think straight.
- That's funny, neither can Jack.
Grace, did you know I was gay when you met me? My dog knew.
So the fabrics never came in, and I wasn't able to make the presentation.
Diamond lnteriors got the job.
- I'm sorry.
What a disappointment.
- Thank you.
That's all I wanted to hear, but Danny said, "When you put everything off till the last minute" - Eew.
- Yeah.
And I lost it.
I started screaming, "Why can't you just let me have my feelings?" Grace, that is so Barbara DeAngelis, "Making Love Work.
" - I know, wasn't it? - Yeah.
And then he says-- get this, "You don't have to get hysterical.
You sound just like your mother.
" If you were on "Jerry Springer," that's the minute you'd jump out of your chair.
Can you believe that? You're staying here tonight.
Go wash your face, I'll make up your bed.
"You sound just like your mother.
" What kind of person says that? The kind of person you should've dumped a year ago.
- What? - I said, I hear they're re-releasing "Vertigo.
" "You sound just like your mother.
" When you wanna push someone's buttons, that'll do it.
Hey, roomie! Jack, you can't move in tonight.
What? Grace is very upset.
I told her she could stay here tonight.
- You move in tomorrow, okay? - Okay, that's interesting.
You'd think maybe you could have told me this-- oh I don't know-- before I packed up my entire life! You don't understand, Grace has had a really-- what's in the hat box? Your tiara? Look, Guapo, he made a funny.
Shut up, Will! I just schlepped all the way over here from the East Side, and you know how much Guapo hates riding in taxis.
Okay, take it easy, Jack.
You sound just like your mother.
Crossing the line.
You nasty, bitter, lonely, balding man.
I don't need this crap from you, Will.
You know what? I just don't need it.
- What time tomorrow? - Eightish.
You're my lawyer.
You tell me.
What have I got to do to buy this company? First, we've gotta get something called, the "Hart-Scott-Rodino Antitrust" clearance, and then we can negotiate standstills and lock ups, Naturally, that's after we do due diligence.
What the hell is "do-do diligence?" No, Harlan, after we do due diligence.
Doesn't matter how slow you say it, it's still "do-do", isn't it? - I just wanna know what it means.
- It's crap that lawyers deal with.
Harlan, I'll handle it.
I've been representing your corporation for five years now, remember? I know, but my wife's been bugging me about the business.
She wants me to be a little more hands-on.
You sure she's talking about the business? Yeah, she's talking about the business.
But I trust you, Will, so you do that "do-do" that you do so well.
- ( intercom buzzes ) - Woman: Will, it's Grace on line one.
Can I stay at your apartment again tonight? Of course, as long as you want.
- What are you doing? - I'm looking for tissues.
Have your assistant get them for you.
- She's late again.
- Fire her already.
I'm not gonna fire Karen.
Her social contacts keep my business afloat.
Why does she even work? Isn't she worth like a gazillion dollars? She feels working keeps her down to earth.
I know, I'm late.
My driver had another bronchial incident.
It was disgusting.
I had to raise the partition.
But that's no excuse, I should be punished.
I'm writing you a check.
Karen, tell Grace she should fire you.
Grace, tell Will to redirect his anger at his mother, where it belongs.
- Call me later.
- Bye.
All right, honey.
There you go.
Guilt be gone.
Karen, I don't want a check.
I want assistance.
I'm the boss, I give you checks.
Yes you do, honey, and I love them, I do.
I keep them all right here in this box.
So, what else? - Danny and I got into a fight.
- Oh, honey, call him and make up.
Why would I do that? It wasn't my fault.
In the long run, it doesn't matter.
I don't know that there's gonna be a long run.
Grace, you're-- you're what? 40? I'll be 31 next month.
So I rounded up.
Danny is a good catch.
You've been living together for a year.
Close the deal already.
( phone ringing ) I'm serious Grace, pick up the pace.
I'm serious, Karen, pick up the phone.
So, Will, have you seen Michael since you two broke up? No, he hasn't, but I have.
Michael's not doing well.
He got fat, he's depressed.
Cheap haircuts, not good.
Actually, it's very sad.
What are you talking about? I just saw him.
Looks great.
Rob, you're dismissed.
- Thanks for trying, sweetie.
- His haircut really was awful.
I know.
I think it's time for "$25,000 Pyramid.
" - Rob: Hello! - Woman: All right! So, Will, are you gonna keep the place? I thought it was gonna be a little too expensive, - so I told Jack-- oh no.
- ( knock on door ) Hi, honey, I'm home.
- Are we entertaining? Welcome.
- Jack, I meant to call you today-- - Don't even! - Wait, wait.
I can stay at Rob and Ellen's tonight.
No, you can't, Grace, because apparently, you matter.
How about that? Jack, I am so sorry.
I just-- Are bandanas back in? 'Cause I didn't get that memo.
Ha, ha-ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Let me tell you something, Will Truman, I don't need to live here, all right? And you know what? Guess who loses? Hello! You do.
Because I could have turned you into a human being instead of this rude, self-absorbed, getting-chunkier-every-day-- oops, did that slip out? --thing that you are.
- What time tomorrow? - Eightish.
Let's play "The Pyramid.
" - Ellen: Okay, you two first.
- Okay, you give, I'll receive.
Just as God intended it.
- Ellen's timing.
- Got it.
Here's your first subject.
Go! Okay, okay.
John Wayne.
- You're parents' marriage.
- Things that are dead.
My one-night stand on Fire lsland.
- Latin things.
- Good.
The postcard I sent you from ltaly.
"Everybody Hurts" by REM.
- Things that make you cry.
- Yes.
- Professor Gopnik's teeth.
- Things that are yellow.
- A cane.
A railing.
- Come on, give me another clue.
Each other.
- Things that you lean on.
- That's it.
Yeah! You guys-- that was amazing.
Grace, you and Danny never do this well when we play.
I know.
I'm gonna break up with him.
It's just time.
My relationship has reached a fork in the road, and ending it with Danny is the right-- prong.
Excuse me.
Things that bring a dinner party to a crashing halt? - So, how'd it go? - Not like I thought.
Gracie, I'm sorry.
You give it some time-- No, Will, he proposed.
- Grace Adler Design? - Oh, my God, would you look at that? Who in the world would be sending-- Oh, carnations, they must be for you.
Yep, they're from Danny.
Isn't he a sweetheart? Oh my.
Surprised you're still walking.
Give me that.
He is so great.
I can't believe I ever doubted he was the one.
Bon app├ętit.
What am I gonna do about Grace? What's the big deal? Why don't you-- could I get a skotch more gravy? It's a little dry.
If you don't like Danny, just tell her it's a bad idea.
I don't tell people who to marry.
Okay, you always tell me what you think of the men I date.
I'm talking about marriage, not Rudy the Jewish cowboy you met on the internet.
Shalom, my lonesome prairie dog.
She's your best friend, Will.
You have to tell her what you think.
- Be honest.
- I can't.
Before my brother married Ginny, he asked me what I honestly thought of her.
I told him, she's morose, and controlling, and icy.
They got married anyway.
Now she hates me and my brother and I don't talk.
I couldn't handle losing Grace like that.
I'm gonna call Rudy again.
Oh, God, I'm sorry, but more importantly, that's terrible about you and your brother.
It's awful.
No, no, no.
Do you have any mineral water? Sulfites.
When are you moving in? I'm gonna be away on business for a while and-- What business? Business.
I have business, and clients and work-related-- business.
How is the work-related client business these days? What is this? Why do you have to be so mean? Because you love it.
And I love you, and you love gel.
And you have a home here when you get back.
You can be a very great guy when you wanna be.
Well, I gotta be nicer to you.
- Yes, you do.
- Because you are a good friend.
- Yes, I am.
- I know it's gotta be rough on you.
- Will, don't.
- Being trapped in a man's body like that.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- What are you watching? - "Pop-Up Video" Turns out, Fiona Apple doesn't particularly like apples.
Apple Brown Betty was invented by a guy named Darren, and get this, Bobby Darren's dog was named Fiona.
What are the odds of that? - I said, "Yes.
" - What? I said, "Yes.
" Oh my God.
Oh my God! Come here! Wow.
Let's have a look at that ring.
It's beautiful.
When is the stone being put in? I knew you were gonna say that.
Wow You know, I'm thirsty.
What? What? What? I'm happy for you.
Lying man talking.
Grace, stop it.
I am happy for you.
I want you two to have a great life together.
You do? Thank God.
I was so worried coming over here.
So I have your blessing then? Yes.
- I love you.
- Love you.
Okay! - I've gotta go tell my family.
- Grace, don't.
I have to, Will, they're paying.
No, I mean, don't marry Danny.
What? Honey, I gotta be honest.
This guy's not enough for you.
You're passionate, and you're creative, and beautiful, and perfect, and this guy-- you should be with someone more-- somebody else.
He's not funny.
He doesn't know what your favorite flower is.
He's passive-aggressive.
The man high-five's you after sex.
You're so afraid you're never gonna get married you can't even see how wrong he is for you.
Think about it.
If you really believed he was the one, would you be asking me for my blessing? Go to hell, Will.
No, Rosario, por favor, honey, listen to me for a second, okay? Take Olivia and Mason to la store de los toys.
- Where's Grace? - Oh, honey, thank God.
How do you say toy store in Spanish? - Tienda de juguetes.
- Uh-huh, thanks.
Si, si, Rosario, gracias.
I haven't slept.
I can't get any work done.
Where is she? Will, just stop right there.
I cannot tell you anything, it's a secret.
- What is? - She's at City Hall getting married.
Oh, devil.
What? What about the big wedding? She thought it was best to get it over with quickly, not to make a big to-do, and I say "Brava!" - Grace-- - Oh, look who's here.
- I'm sorry.
- It's a little late for that.
No, I'm here, Grace.
I'm here to support your marriage.
- There is no marriage.
- What? There is no marriage! And you wanna know why? Because my best friend-- that would be the part you're supposed to play-- my best friend dropped a bomb of poo on my head.
Oh, honey, l-- I was fine.
I was getting married, and then you come along.
You come and you poison-- with the-- with the thorns from the-- the flower-- I had this metaphor worked out earlier, but I'm just very upset right now.
Gracie, I just want you to be happy.
No, Will, you want me to be alone like you.
- Is that the way you see this? - Yes.
It's interesting, because I never thought of myself as being alone.
Well that was a little harsh.
Yes, yes it is.
He's a bad person, very bad.
Grace, I think it's time for a couple of blue bippies.
- I don't want any pills.
- They're not for you, they're for me.
Marriage is-- what? Marriage is-- marriage is.
Okay? What the hell, that's all you need to-- Grace? She's gone.
She's gone, and I'm sitting here talking to myself like a crazy person.
Oh my God, listen to me, I'm still doing it.
Will, I am-- I am so sorry for what I said back there.
I know.
It was mean, but-- I know.
This morning, on the way to the ceremony, Danny looked at me and said, "I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.
" And I turned to him and said, "You know the limo has a phone?" It wasn't right.
He was a smart attractive man who loved me, and who I loved, by the way.
Why wasn't it right? Sweetie, remember in college we saw that French film about a man and a woman that were perfect for one another, but they kept missing each other.
And in the last scene, they meet on a plane, because that's the way it was destined to be.
Remember? And you said, "That's gonna be me.
" Gracie, you're just in the middle of your movie.
Danny was a plot point.
A nice, decent, postcoital high-fiving plot point.
There's still time.
Go get some Raisinettes.
- I like Red Vines.
- Whatever you want.
The point is, it's not over if your movie's gonna have a happy ending.
- You just have to see it through.
- Oh God.
- Come here.
- Huh-uh.
What do you say we go get a drink? Yes-ss.
- What is with that dress? - Give me a break.
- I had five minutes to prepare for this.
- Still.
What are we to toast to your lovely new bride? All: Yeah! Here's to the ball and chain.
If she makes it through the night, ba-bing, I think I'll keep her.
Wait, my turn.
To my Will.
You are my hero, and my soul mate.
And I'm a better woman for loving you.
All: Oo-ooh! Hey, hey, hey Come on, you two.
- How's about a kiss? - All: Yeah! All: Kiss, kiss, kiss - Nothing? Anything? - Sorry, no, it's--