Will and Grace s01e03 Episode Script

Head Case

What you find Will! feel, now What you know To be real Will! Will! Oo-ooh Your love's for real now You know that your love is my love I have a problem.
Sweetie, I was right in the middle of busting a move.
Could you come with me for a second? But l-- Try busting a move in here, sweetie.
Come on.
Shake it, Puff Daddy - Okay, Grace, take it easy.
- I can't handle this anymore.
Look at the size of this place.
My hair doesn't even fit in here.
Open that cabinet.
I'd rather go for what's behind the curtain.
I'm afraid that's gonna be a zonk.
Can't you smile a little bit with a-- Okay, point taken.
I promise after work, we'll come up with a good solution.
- Okay? - Thank you.
What are the double-D batteries for? Oh, it's for my Waterpik.
You don't have a Waterpik.
Let's just say I do.
Jack: No, it's fine.
He knows me.
I don't need an appointment.
He's happy to see me.
No, don't buzz him.
Thanks, you're my new best friend.
Call me every 10 minutes.
What a bee-atch! Jack, she's just doing her job.
I think that's the first time I've used the words "Jack" and "job" the same sentence without "needs to get a" in-between.
Speaking of which, how goes the employment search? Take me to lunch.
Have you even decided what it is you want to do? Still not sure, but I do know that on my resumé to be Helvetica.
I wonder how "chorus girl" will look in Helvetica.
Come back Thursday.
We'll do your resumé together.
Come on.
- Take me to lunch.
- I can't.
I've gotta finish marking up this contract, and then I want to get Grace some cool shelves, or something for her bathroom.
She hates it.
Of course, she hates it.
It's too small for her.
It's too small for Malibu Barbie.
Why don't you just share your bathroom? My God, I think that's the first time you've used the words "Will" and "share" in the same sentence without "doesn't know how to" in-between.
What are you talking about? You've had one common problem in all your relationships-- you.
- I'm good at relationships.
- Are ya? Hm-mm.
Let's take a look at a little clip from when it was still the Michael and Will Show.
Before it was cancelled.
"Will, can I change your throw pillows?" "No.
" "Will, can I put my sweaters on your shelf?.
" "No.
" "Will, can anyone live with a control freak nightmare like you?" I'm gonna say, no.
Are you ready for a bag full of happiness? And I am not talking about your stoner days.
I got this stuff at Bed, Bath & Beyond, and the crazy thing is it wasn't in bed or bath, I found it all in beyond.
Look, shelves.
This is your solution to my space problem? You want to bring the walls in closer? - Okay, bad idea.
- Uh-huh.
I can return.
I can return to the beyond.
- You want to hear my idea? - Sure.
- It's very exciting.
- Tell me.
- It's very different.
- What is it? - It's very big.
- It's very annoying.
- All right, sit down.
- Miss Grace, you play so rough.
I want to knock down the dividing wall between the two bathrooms, and make one, big, beautiful bathroom.
Oh? Look at this.
This month, East Coast Living, Metropolitan Home, both showing the one big bathroom.
It's elegant, it's function with style, it's-- hold on a second, I'm getting overwhelmed by my own good taste.
Whoa! Better, decorating rush.
What do you think? No.
No? No to elegant, no to style, no to me, what? - I'm sorry.
I just-- - It's too much for you.
I knew it.
I wasn't thinking.
I was blinded by the faucets.
- Grace, l-- - No.
No, no, no It wasn't a good idea.
I should have known.
Michael couldn't even get you to change shampoo.
Let's do it.
Will, I wasn't saying that to guilt you into something.
You're not.
Saying no is a knee-jerk reaction, and I have got to stop doing that.
- Really? - No.
See? I can't help myself.
Yes, yes, yes.
And besides, it's you, and this is a really cool idea.
You don't even know, mister! Silver nickel under counter sinks, handmade faucets, multiple showerheads.
There's even room for a chaise lounge.
I'm thinking washable suede.
Now you see, if you had led with the washable suede, I wouldn't have thought twice.
- So I can start? - Do it, baby! - This is very exciting! - Okay, Grace.
Slow down now.
It's wrong to love a faucet this much.
You're right.
I don't want to fall too hard.
They tend to run a little hot and cold.
Go back to the singing.
Oh, honey, your skirt's hiking up.
- Hey, Kare? - Yeah, honey? Just FYl, the first three letters in assistant spell "ass," so please get off yours.
But I was just trying to tell you your control tops were showing.
Leave the skirt.
- Karen? - Yeah? - Why do you want to work for me? - Honey, because I adore you, and because I always worked before I married money.
I joke.
Of course, I mean Stan.
I joke! Of course, I mean money! Karen, I have a great deal of affection for you, but you need to be a better assistant.
Put the catalogue down.
You have everything in it.
Come with me.
I'm gonna show you what I'm working on.
Okay? Look at this.
This is a rough draft of what I'd like the bathroom to look like.
When I'm finished with this drawing, I'm gonna need it copied, and sent to a few people.
You mean like - the contractor? - Yes, yes, yes, That is exactly right! Oh my God, I feel like The Miracle Worker.
Good, Karen, good! All right, honey.
Reel it in.
I get it.
Talk to me about this little doodle here.
This doodle is called a blueprint.
Whatever it is, honey, I love it.
Who's it for? - Me and Will.
- You and W-- Woman, are you insane? You can't share a bathroom with the person you're living with.
Honey, do you know where Stan's bathroom is? God, I don't even know where Stan's bathroom is.
I'm not worried about it.
Our relationship is special.
Grace, I may never have had a special relationship with a man, but I have been married twice.
And I can tell you, this is a mistake.
Will and I want to do this.
This is a big step for him.
He's really open to it, and I'm proud of him.
And I'm proud of you for trying to be interested.
Well, thank you.
Hey, you know what? Tomorrow, I'm gonna be in before 11 :00.
Baby steps.
All right, 11 :30.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Do you have floss in your bathroom? I'm out.
Grace, don't be shy.
If you need floss-- - Hi, Will.
- Hey.
Huh? Huh? Uh-huh.
Oh my God.
Whole lotta tweezin' goin' on.
What, are you clear cutting? Yes, I tweeze.
Get used to it.
You're gonna see me tweeze my eyebrows and I'm gonna see you tweeze the little hairs on the outside of your ear.
I don't have hairs on the outside of my-- ow! What the hell?! I don't even know what to say to that! Hey, hey, hey.
- Don't you need the sink? - I can wait.
No, don't wait.
Let's just do what we normally do.
- Deal.
- Okay.
What you find What you feel, woo What you know To be real - What's the problem? - Problem? We're just like 50 men and a mirrored ball away from being a gay disco.
Oh, uh, Grace? Sweetie, what's that? That? It's a hat.
I didn't have time to dry my hair.
So What are you saying, honey? It's gonna stay on all day? - Uh-huh.
- You know what? I say we close.
You're obviously in no condition to work.
Karen, how about some coffee? Oh, no.
I had some on the way in.
Oh, you want some? Oh, devil.
I need an assistant.
All right, where is it? Never mind.
Oh my God.
I'm The Cat ln The Hat.
This bathroom is driving me crazy.
No, actually, Will is driving me crazy.
The bathroom is fine and I've got a doodle that proves it.
No, honey.
It's a blueprint.
You get a gold star.
You know what? Will's gonna get through this.
I've gotta relax and ride it out.
It's like the storm before the calm.
You had to know this was gonna happen.
Men hate change.
Usually, you can't lump Will in with other men.
- He's-- - Oh, honey, come on.
Gay, straight, bi, Thai, they don't like change.
What is that, an Upper East Side haiku? Grace, this is for his own good.
You are not a guest in that place, you're a roommate.
So start takin' up some room.
You hardly put a foot in the door.
It's time to take off those pumps, put on those espadrilles you're so fond of-- which, by the way, aren't coming back ever-- kick down that door, and let him get used to the fact that you live there! God, that was exhausting.
I am assisting my ass off.
- Last job? - Physical therapist.
You ran the man-tan booth at Le Spa.
It involved a lot of lifting.
Did I mention that Grace put all of our cereals into one big container? Women, can't live with 'em.
End of sentence.
That's just wrong.
Right? She should be caned.
Back to Jack, right here.
I was a Broadway usher for two grueling performances of "Les Mis.
" What are you saying, it's me? 'Cause I'm-- there should be certain boundaries.
At least with breakfast grains.
Are we talking about my resumé or your problems? I don't have any problems.
Ellen, honey, could you bring in Will's denial file? I think we have a little something to add.
I am not in denial.
Come on, I don't have all day.
I'm meeting Harlin for drinks at my place, and I've got a lot to get done.
Next job.
Let's see.
What have I done? What do I want to do? What is the essence of Jack? How does one put that into words? Cater waiter, cologne spritzer, Gap.
Delete, delete, delete.
Oh, this is so difficult.
Ellen, honey, could you bring in a couple of diet colas and some of those blue pills? Jack, get away from my stuff, and out of my space.
You know what? Hold that thought until I get Grace on the phone, because I think you meant to bark that at her.
No, Jack, that was meant for you.
Grace and I are fine.
You and Grace are falling into the same patterns as all your relationships.
You're a little time bomb ready to go off.
This is not about that! This is about being late to meet Harlin, because you're wasting my time.
It is about being galled at your level of presumptuousness, and finally, ladies and ladies of the jury, this is about my total frustration over helping someone get a job whose main requirement is cute guys in the mailroom! And so ends a scene from Mr.
Bitch Goes To Washington.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Sweetie, Harlin's gonna be here any minute, so you should probably get dressed.
I am dressed.
You're gonna wear that? How about, "Grace, you look like crap"? - That's much more concise.
- No, you look fine.
I just thought you'd want to meet my biggest client in something more than underwear.
This is a good dress, Grandpa, but I'll change if it means that much to you.
I mean, yes.
No, I do mean no.
Don't change.
You look-- you look beautiful.
- What's this? - What's what? Well, I said get cheese.
There's no cheese here.
You see that stuff right there, that looks, and smells, and tastes like cheese? - That's cheese.
- Well, yeah, but you can't just put out a few slices.
- You gotta have a whole wedge.
- Really, Will? 'Cause I just read "Cheese For Dummies" cover to cover, and they never mentioned the wedge.
You know what? I'm sorry.
I'm a little anxious about Harlin coming here.
- It's-- - Forgiven.
- What's this? - What now? The pillows? I'm not really vibing on the whole Benihana Home Collection thing.
- That is gorgeous Chinese silk.
- Well, what's over here? We got a new lamp and little baby goat heads.
What-- what-- what-- when did you decide to redecorate? Will, I live here.
And if you're having a problem with the bathroom, you should just say it now.
Let me say this then, from now on, all pillows and food need to be cleared through me! Whoa! Okay, I don't want to do this right now.
- No, we're talking about this.
- Well, talk to the goat, - because I'm not doing this.
- Will! - Don't shut me off.
- Click.
- Damn it, Will! I'm not Michael.
- ( knocking on door ) Evenin'.
Harlin, right on time.
Come on in.
Beautiful place.
Oh, you must be Grace.
These are for you.
That's very sweet, Harlin.
Thank you.
- Will, where do these go? - Anywhere you want.
Yeah, right.
I gotta tell you, it's awful nice of you folks to ask me up.
When I'm up here on business, I'm always in hotels.
Yeah, I've stayed at The Hyatt.
I've stayed at The Plaza.
I used to stay at this place in Midtown till I saw that thing on Dateline.
Maria Shriver showed up with one of those blue lights.
Iet's just say they were very unsanitary.
It was very nice meeting you.
Excuse me.
Will, are you sure you're gay? 'Cause this felt exactly like a night between me and the missus.
- Hi.
- Excuse me, I'm in here.
- We need to talk.
- I'm taking a bath.
Fine, then I'll leave.
Can I have a towel? No.
Gracie, I don't-- I don't know if this gonna work out.
Are you done? I feel bad about this, but I think-- maybe we need to rethink this living situation.
- Bailing.
- I'm not bailing.
I just-- I have some issues I need to work through, and obviously, I need to work through them alone.
Bailing faster.
Why don't you just jump out of the boat completely? I'm rigid, I'm passive-aggressive, - I'm controlling.
- News flash! Will's controlling.
Yeah, got that freshman year of college when you told me what electives to take.
Funny, 13 years later and I'm still here.
So if you think I'm gonna let you bail out now over a bathroom-- It's not the bathroom.
It's me.
You're my best friend.
If I can't make this work with you, then what chance do I have of ever having another-- ever having another relationship? You are putting way too much pressure on this.
How did we get from me having a place to plug in my hot rollers to the demise of all your future relationships? When did you become such a drama queen? I had problems with Michael, and clearly, I'm repeating that pattern-- Did you just call me a queen? If the tiara fits.
I love you.
I hate this bathroom, but I love you.
Oh, honey.
This whole bathroom thing is so over.
- That wall is goin' back up.
- Yeah.
Or-- now, I'm no Grace Adler Designs, but what if we just moved the wall four feet, and then we'd have equal bathroom? Look at you.
Compromising, Mr.
Don't do that! Grace! Oh my God! You're naked!