Will and Grace s01e06 Episode Script

William, Tell

- Hi.
- Hey.
Oh, yum.
- Give me some.
- No, Grace, don't.
Oh God.
That's disgusting.
- What is that? - Fruit shake.
What fruit is gray? Pears.
What? - Oh.
- Oh, for-- Oh, Mondo Fuel? You're trying to bulk up.
No, it's a dietary supplement.
No, it's not.
You want za big arms.
So you can get za big men, and lure them into your den of zoom-zoom.
Okay, thank you very much.
That'll be enough, Grace.
- Oh my God, what's happening? - What? Your buttons are popping.
Your shirt is ripping.
You're hulking up! You're turning green! Thank you.
Excuse me, this happens to be good for you.
Oh my God.
It says it also grows breast tissue.
You want to give it a try? I thought I knew everything about you, but you're a mystery, wrapped in a riddle, surrounded by enigma, growing boobies.
Anyway, how are you? I'm okay.
Karen's going on vacation, so I need to find an assistant for the week.
Karen files her nails, and thumbs through catalogues all day.
What's she gonna do on a vacation? I guess office work.
Oh my God.
Look, don't.
It's too easy.
Just give me something' to wear, 'cause I can't walk another block in this Klingon suit.
You want us to not make fun of you looking like that.
That would be illogical.
Sit, alien cater-waiter.
Tell us of your pain.
Brandon Schwartz's Star Fleet Bar Mitzvah.
The decor, USS Enterprise.
The menu, intergalactic kosher.
Not to mention, one of the little Borgs barfed all over my clothes.
Captain, after closer examination, I believe I have identified the life form as "gaylien.
" We come in peace.
Please do not rearrange our furniture.
You know what? Goodbye.
Okay, okay.
We'll stop.
No, you won't, because you can't help yourself.
You were born bitter, nasty, mean- spirited and, of course, chunky.
And, Grace, you're not much better.
You are a follower without an ounce of decency.
Jack, do you want to work in my office for a week? Although you have the ability to change, and that's what I've always liked about you.
Karen's going on vacation.
I need someone to help with the phones.
- Hours? - Minimal.
- Dental? - Lunch.
- We can work something out.
- Great.
Oh, you girls are gonna have a ball, braidin' each other's hair, and talkin' about boys, and doin' the Cosmo quiz.
You mean like, How To Tell lfYour Best Friend's A Bitch? Yeah, already took it.
You are.
Ellen: Karen Walker's here to see you.
You're kidding.
Send her in.
Of course he is.
As a $3 bill, honey.
Did she just fall off the boat or what? What are you doing here besides outing me to the front office? Well, first of-- oh, Will.
The green, no.
The lawbooks are kind of cute, though.
And you work in a basement? Honey, you've gotta move up from the street.
Otherwise, you're sittin' around all day watchin' bad shoes go by.
See, Nine West.
I love this office.
Look at these moldings.
This place has historical significance.
They filmed "Serpico" just a-- why am I defending my building? Karen, what do you want? Well, what I want-- is for you to get a new rug.
Oh, honey.
It's too busy, it's shoddy, I'm thinking of leaving my husband, - and those window treatments! - What? What? Bamboo? This is a law firm, not The Tiki-Tiki Room.
- Karen! - How can you-- Forget the blinds.
Your husband? What's happening with you and Stan? We were about to get on our plane to go black pearl shopping in Bora Bora, when all of a sudden, I looked at Stan, and it dawned on me, marriage shouldn't be this much work.
Karen, I'm a corporate attorney.
What you need is a good divorce lawyer or perhaps just a good pharmacist.
The nastiness comes so easily to your people.
Come on, Will.
Don't patronize me.
I know exactly what kind of lawyer you are, an obscure one.
And that's why I need you.
I have to find out about Stan's corporate holdings - without him knowing.
- Really? This is so Alexis Carrington.
Come on.
Look, I'm serious.
I'm starting to feel as if I don't own my own husband anymore.
You mean you don't know your own husband anymore.
- That's what I just said, honey.
- No, you-- you said "own.
" No, I said I feel like I don't own my own-- Iike I don't-- Iike l-- oh, all right! Ding! Ding! Ding! You'd win on Jeopardy, smart guy! When does the attorneylclient privilege kick in? As soon as the client gives the attorney a check, but-- no, Karen.
Me as your lawyer-- me as your lawyer, consider it done.
Jack: Here's something you probably don't know about Will.
In elementary school, Will secretly loved the book-- "Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret".
We bonded over it in college.
- Okay, did you know that Will-- - Oh, please.
The day you know more about Will than I do, is the day I gladly kiss your butt.
Do me a favor.
Sort these tassels.
You want me to sort them by color or by size? By 5:00.
You want to be useful? Help the man standing behind you with the big package.
Grace, don't tease me.
- Hello.
- Grace Adler Design? I'll sign for it.
Just your name, sir.
I don't need your phone number.
Don't be so sure sir.
Jack? Jack? Jack! Hi.
Can you put that in the back, please? Thank you.
Wow, tell me that guy did not look exactly like Steven.
- Who's Steven? - Will's Steven.
- Will doesn't have a Steven.
- Well, not anymore, but you know-- Oh.
You don't know who Steven is.
Oops, butterfingers.
I guess one shouldn't make any promises they can't keep.
With love in your heart, and a smile on your face.
- Just tell me who Steven is.
- I'm waiting.
- Two bucks more an hour.
- I'm talking.
Steven was a guy at his old law firm.
They had a little fling last summer while he was still seeing Michael.
And let me just say, Hotty McHot.
- Last summer? - Yeah.
He used to call him a client.
That was his code word.
"I'm having dinner with a client.
I'm drawing up some briefs for a client.
" There were some briefs involved, but he wasn't drawin' them up.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Ready to hear what I have planned for us tonight? First of all, I'm putting aside all of my food issues.
So get ready, tonight, we eat wheat.
Workin' with Jack.
How long did it take before he took one of your silk drapery panels, and wore it like a sarong? Why are you looking at me like that? "I Know What You Did Last Summer.
" Pardon? The movie.
I rented it.
- "I Know What You Did Last Summer.
" - "Last Summer," oh, I see.
And "An Affair To Remember.
" With "The Client.
" - What do you think? - All the good movies were taken.
I think you're also gonna have to watch them alone.
- Why, where you going? - I gotta meet with a client.
A what? A client.
- At 9:00 at night? - Yeah.
It's the only time we could both do it.
- Who is it? - It's just a client.
It's a new client.
I'll see you in the morning.
Oh, and go easy on the wheat, huh? I don't want to come home, and find you lying on the floor clutching the phone with your finger on the nine.
Jack, good, you're still there.
Jack: Yeah.
I'm still waiting for that package.
Grace, where did you get these drapery panels? - Emerald Fabric, why? - No reason.
What did Will say when you asked him about Steven? I never got to ask him about that client.
Why? - Because he has a new client.
- What are you talking about? Oh, like you don't know.
He's seeing someone, Jack.
I can't believe you kept this from me.
I didn't know anything about it.
No, it's gotta be something else.
Besides, the odds are against him.
He's only been with five people in the last eight years.
He's like a humpback whale.
Without the hump.
Oh my God.
So what could it be? What could it be that he didn't tell you, and he didn't tell me? It must be something he didn't want us to know.
Good work, Nancy Drew.
Let's meet up at Old Mystery Creek.
Jack, just get over here now.
And lose the drapes.
I can hear the fabrics rustling through the phone.
Can l-- Can I talk to you for a minute as if we were friends? Oh, honey.
I know, I know, I give you a hard time, and I make jokes about how you never do any work.
But it's funny because it's true.
I know.
If you're set on divorce, I can help you with that, but it's gonna take an emotional toll.
Oh, I don't know, Will.
In a lot of ways, I have a very good life.
A home in the city, a home in the country, a boat, jewelry, art, cars, a chef, a trainer, - an ass-kicking wardrobe-- - Yeah, I get it.
How is the woman inside the ass-kicking wardrobe? and a little bit lost.
Will, I don't know what it takes to make a good relationship.
I'm no expert, but the key relationships in my life are based on communication and trust.
What is he hiding? What could be so bad? Why doesn't he trust me? I don't know.
Maybe it's 'cause you're rifling through his stuff.
Don't get me wrong, I do this all the time.
You're just never here when it happens.
Oh, don't worry.
Your room, boring.
So, tell me again what we're looking for.
- Something that spells doom.
- ( gasps ) What? He ate all the Mallomars.
Oh my God.
He's stress eating.
He's eating because-- his business is folding.
- You think it is? - It all makes sense.
He actually asked me when I would pay back the 25,000.
No That, he would tell me.
It has to be something worse.
God, what is he keeping from me? Oh my God.
It's drugs.
It's drugs.
He's doing drugs.
Without me.
Not that I do drugs, but I'd like to be asked.
You know what else he wouldn't tell either of us? lf he's sick.
He needs a kidney.
Oh my God, he needs a kidney.
Not that I would give him a kidney, but I'd like to be asked.
- Go check his bedroom.
- What am I looking for? Doom.
I'll start with his bed.
A-ha! I found something! - What?! - Will's new jacket.
I'm swimming in it, but loving the fabric.
I don't think there's anything here.
Oh, no wonder it's so bulky.
His day planner's in here.
- This is wrong.
- You think we should put it away? No, it's the wrong month.
Okay, here it is.
He's having dinner at the Astor Cafe - with K.
- K? Kidney! But he wouldn't be having dinner with one.
The Astor Cafe.
- No, I can't.
- You could.
- I won't.
- You will.
- You're right.
- Yes.
It seems like despite everything, you're still in love with your husband.
I guess in a lot of ways I'm kind of like a younger, much more beautiful version of Leona Helmsley.
First, you marry for money, and then you find yourself lovin' the old coot.
Then he drops dead, and you get the money anyway.
- It's a win-win.
- My heart is full.
Give me your phone.
I wanna call Stan right this minute.
- Head, head, head.
- Can I help you? - No, I'm just here to see someone.
- You need a reservation.
To see someone? - We like to protect our patrons.
- What do you think I'm gonna do? Run around the dining room, and oversalt their food? Who's my puppy, huh? Who's my naughty, naughty little puppy? Wag that tail.
That's right, wag it.
Oh, I know a very, very bad, naughty puppy who's gonna have to go back on his leash.
Excuse me, could I get the check? And an airlift out of here? Oh, Stan? I'm gonna have to call you back.
I'm gettin' another call, but I'll see you later.
Start doing your sit-ups.
Here, honey, you got a call.
And I have to go re-apply.
Hi, it's me.
I just wanted to know if there was, you know, anything that you wanted to tell me.
- What are you talking about? - You're hiding something from me.
- What is it? - How much wheat did you have? Why didn't you tell me about Steven? - Steven? - Yes! I had to find out from-- oh! Damn it! That's the last time I buy a phone to get a free pair of pantyhose.
Hello? Keeping secrets is not in our rule book.
I know all about K.
Well, actually, I don't know all about K.
Actually, I don't know anything about K.
Who's K? Hold on.
Hello? What? No, I don't-- wait a minute.
We're all booked up, but it looks like we have an opening at 10:00.
Bochner for two.
Window seat? Don't push it.
- Will-- - I am in the middle of dinner.
No, you're not.
You're already on coffee.
Okay, so I'm on cof-- where are you? It's a secret.
Now, tell me.
How does that make you feel? Like a sorority girl in a bad slasher movie.
Where are you?! Let's just put it this way, the call is coming from inside the house.
Grace, you cannot be here right now.
- Go home.
- No.
- Go home! - No.
- Go! - No.
Excuse me.
Would you mind having that crazed redhead removed? Listen to me, I'm Ricky Ricardo.
- I'll take care of it, Mr.
- No.
Excuse me.
Look, this is insane.
Let her in, please.
Okay, what is it? Do you need a lung? I have two.
Pick one.
Just no more secrets.
- Grace, I tell you everything.
- Who is K? I can't tell you.
Grace, what are you doing here? Honey, what happened to you? You look like an unmade bed.
Karen, you're supposed to be on vacation.
Grace, I'd like you to meet my client, K.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Let me fill you in on the rest of my evening, so you don't think I'm keeping anything from you.
Will? On the way home, I bought a pretzel from a vendor.
I think his name was Luba.
And I scraped off half the salt.
- Come on.
- Then I was in the bookstore and I was absentmindedly thumbing through "Marilu Henner's Guide To Life.
" It was in the bargain bin.
She has been able to do the split since she was five? - And bunions are her personal hell.
- I get the point.
Then, when I was almost home, I thought I recognized someone on the street, so I sort of half-waved, but then it wasn't who I thought it was, so I pretended to scratch my ear-- just so you know.
- Enough, already! - What's the deal, Grace? So I don't tell you about Steven.
It was a stupid affair.
I wasn't particularly proud of it, and I knew if I told you, I'd have to really examine it, when I really wanted it to go away.
But, Will, if I think you're hiding something, I'm always gonna think that you're hiding something that's much bigger than it really is.
Why would you think that? Because I don't want you to tell me that you're gay again.
What? When we were in college, and at Christmas break you told me you were gay, everything changed.
Of course it changed.
My whole life changed.
So did mine.
Everything worked out, but I guess I'm just still waiting for you to-- change my world with your next big secret.
You almost said "rock my world," didn't you? Maybe.
Gracie coming out of the closet is something you only do once in life.
You know, it's like being born or watching Magic Johnson's talk show.
I promise, no more big surprises.
There is one more I should tell you about.
I'm pregnant.