Will and Grace s01e09 Episode Script

Okay, she's a lawyer, and she pees with men.
- Ally McBeal, click.
- Yes.
Oh! I can't stand him.
- Dennis Miller.
- Yes.
A female singer.
Really, really skinny.
Everybody that ever performed at Lilith Fair? Gonna need more.
If she misses her next meal, her "heart won't go on.
" - Celine Dion! - Yes! And time is up.
- Hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo-- - Hoo.
Okay, so let's see.
We've got 30, and you have 217.
Hey! So you're in second place.
- Can I get a refill? - Coming up.
You know Celine Dion was on Oprah the other day? Harry and I watched it together.
How cute is that? - I swear, he likes it.
- Our Lindsay doesn't like TV.
She'd rather go to the park, play with her little friends.
Hey, how about those Knicks? See how desperate I am to change the subject? - I'm referencing sports.
- You're right.
- Sorry.
- Just one more little thing.
Harry caught a ball for the first time and I got it on videotape.
Oh my God, you got it on videotape? Will, she got it on videotape.
You didn't get it on videotape by any chance, did you? Honey, you play favorites, and I think Riley knows it.
- No, I don't play favorites.
- You play favorites.
No, she just annoys me.
The bitch fights me when I put her in my car.
- You have to call her a bitch? - She's a bitch, Rob.
Do you have to call her a bitch? Do we have to spend another evening talking about everybody's dogs? You just feel guilty 'cause I'm ready for one and you're not.
Now, that's just Grace's way of saying that her biological clock is barking.
You don't have to breed.
There are lots of options.
You can adopt.
Hey, look at the time! It's a quarter to get out! Grace: I can't believe I let you drive me here, Jack.
- Will doesn't want a dog.
- I know, I know.
Please, listen.
I just spent the last about the evils of smells, stains, drooling and shedding.
I said, "It didn't seem to bother your ex-boyfriend.
" Oh, look.
A Lhasa apso.
Hello, my little poop.
Hello, my little smelly poop.
Honey, honey, the puppy talk.
Really trying to keep the crab cakes down.
But look how sweet he is, sitting in his bowl.
Yeah, he's gifted.
Look, just pick one! Spay him, spray him, throw him in a bag, and let's get out of here! No.
I told you, I can't get a dog.
Oh, come on, Grace.
You have to for Will's sake.
My God.
They're total guy magnets.
I once had a golden retriever and the man candy he retrieved golden! Ruff! Look, a Chihuahua.
- Oh, he's looking right at me.
- Honey, he's got cataracts.
He's looking at two to three months, tops.
Buenas noches.
Oh my God.
I am done.
Honey, come on.
What's the problem? You can have anything you want.
You just have to learn to compromise.
Take me and Stan.
If he wants a little touchy-touchy, well, if I cooperate, then I get a house in the Bahamas! It's tit for tat.
I'm not sure what you're asking me to do here.
Just pick out a freaking dog, Grace.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Got Thai food again.
Mainly because I'm obsessed with the Yum Yai salad.
It announces its own goodness right in its name.
Yum Yai.
You're kind of a geek.
Help me out here.
What's a four-letter word for elevator man? Otis.
Whoa, you're smart.
I got a dog.
What?! Yeah, you're really smart.
You must have gotten really high scores on your SATs.
Grace! He is the best.
You're gonna love him.
He is so cute.
He even looks like you.
He's got your eyes.
Damn it, Grace, I said no.
- And your fangs.
- Where is he? He is somewhere taking up no space and being absolutely delightful.
Come on, Will, give it a chance.
The woman at the adoption center said we can keep him for a week and then decide.
Grace, it's a dog, not the Ronco Fry Daddy.
- Come on, Eileen! - All right, you-- You do what you want, but I just don't think it's fair to ask a dog to sleep outside, when it's this cold out.
Will, the dog's not gonna sleep outside.
Oh, really? 'Cause I figured you'd want some company.
Fine.
Forget it.
- You're weird and inhuman.
- Grace, don't make a big thing-- - I told you I wasn't into dogs.
- Whatever! Never mind.
I'll bring him back tomorrow.
Thank you.
Is that him? No.
It's veteran character actor Charles Durning.
Can you just watch him, just for a minute? He just had some first-day jitters in my bathroom.
I just wish you'd understand where I'm coming from.
When I said I wasn't a dog person, I meant it.
Her-roh.
Oh, you had me at her-roh.
You had me at her-roh.
Can we just talk about how many cute guys were swarming around you at the park? They just wanted to see my sweet bundle of love.
Yes, they did.
Did you believe when he almost caught that Frisbee? Oh, that was my fault.
I threw it too high.
By the way, I don't think it's such a great idea that you yell at him like that in front of the other dogs.
A light and breezy tone just doesn't cut it when he's eating a woman's blood-pressure medicine.
No, no, I understand that.
It's just that you shamed him.
Will, you can't shame dogs.
They're not defendants on Judge Judy.
You pointed at him with the little witchy-poo finger, and you yelled at him in front of his friends.
- His friends? - Whatever.
The point is you're just-- you gotta relax, and give him a chance to be who he is.
These are important years.
He's gotta develop a sense of himself.
Will, I'm not your mother.
And I promise, if he's gay, I won't stand in his way.
You thirsty? You want some Evian? Come on, boy.
Get your Evian.
Here.
I'm gonna go take a shower.
I meant to tell you, I enrolled him in doggie day care.
Wait, what day care? The Yuppy Puppy.
The Yuppy Puppy? Day care for the urban professional's dog.
Do you know these people? I don't know these people.
I don't want a stranger raising my dog.
Didn't you see that thing on "Dateline," when that woman was hitting the dog on the snout with his squeaky lambchop? Will, that was not Yuppy Puppy and it wasn't "Dateline.
" It was "Animals Do The Darndest Things.
" I'm sorry, but I think it's best that you stay home tomorrow, and take care of him.
Doink! Okay, Master.
I will be home anyway, because I'm having the sofa in my bottle reupholstered.
Get over yourself! I'm working, too! Fine, Sarcasmo.
I'll take him to work tomorrow, and you can take him the day after.
- I'll walk him in the morning.
- I'll walk him after work.
And I'm gonna want him every other weekend, and all the Jewish holidays.
Harlin, I would strongly advocate cash funding in lieu of a stock swap.
Yes, that liver is nummy, isn't it? It's nummy.
Because the PIE ratio really points out the inflated value of the company, don't you think? I don't know, Will.
Nummy seems a little strong.
I think I'd go with tasty-wasty.
You like some water, boy? Gulp, gulp, gulp It's funny, I've never thought of myself as a dog person.
That's right.
You people like the cats.
And by "you people," you mean? Lawyers, of course.
Let me take that prospectus with me on the plane.
Got it right here.
I am so sorry.
Mergers make him really nervous.
Don't be mad.
Oh, I'm not mad, Will.
I'm just a little pissed.
Grace, the bitch we hate is on line one.
Hi.
Yes, the fabric just came in, and it is absolutely gorgeous.
Yes, I know it's taken forever, but that is the price you pay for imported silk damask.
Yeah, that and $2,000 a yard.
No, you're right.
That's not funny.
No, but the great thing is that we have enough for the chair, the ottoman and settee, so we can get started right away and-- bad! Bad! Bad! No, no, no I wasn't talking about you.
I was talking about my assistant.
Bad! Bad! Horrible, horrible.
Excuse me, can you just hold on a second? Thank you.
Okay, baby.
Baby? Let go, sweetie.
This-- no, this is not a game.
Okay, let go, let go, let go! Hi, honey.
This is Karen, Grace's assistant.
Listen, rumor has it silk damask is out.
Yeah.
Who do I love? Who do I love so much I want to drop-kick? Who, boy? Who? Who, who? Who, who, who? - Hi.
- Hi.
May I bite your snoots? May I bite your snoots from loves? Please stop pluralizing everything.
But he's so cutes! Look at mes.
I can't believe you are still playing with the puppy.
We've been home for three hours, and you haven't moved.
- So what? - So it's a little obsessive.
- No, it's not.
- Oh, really? On the cab ride home, I noticed you had puppy breath.
He made the first move.
- You and I are going out tonight.
- How can we go out? Okay, guys, we're here.
Get out.
What are you two doing here? We're the babysitters.
Mr.
Truman, I hope you don't mind, but I like brought my girlfriend Valerie here so we can make out.
You and I are going to a movie.
I asked Jack to babysit the puppy, and, Karen, what are you doing here? Oh, Jack asked me.
It was either this, or my neighborhood watch meeting, and if I have to hear Marlo Thomas one more time-- "Phil recycles this, Phil recycles that.
" Oh, yeah.
I feel good about this, Ieaving our puppy with Cruella DeVille.
And Karen.
Will, we need this.
We haven't gone out in a week.
We're like 100 cans of peas, and some racist literature away from being survivalists.
I'm going to get my coat.
Okay, so what are we calling him now? We're still not sure.
I like Otto.
Oh, fat dog.
Like father, like son.
What would you suggest, Jack? I don't know.
I was thinking something more along the lines of Jack.
Let me think.
"Jack, quit licking that man's face.
" He'd never know who I was talking to.
Oh, my side.
Okay, let's go.
I want to stop by the ATM for 100 bucks so I can get Goobers.
Now, Gracie, you go, although I think it's best I stay here.
No, honey, go.
Go on, have a good time.
We'll take good care of your place.
And your little dog, too.
He's kidding.
Okay? Come on, let's go.
Will? Come on.
Come on, baby.
Come on, Will.
Here, fetch, Will.
Okay.
Fine, but I'm taking my cell phone.
You call if you need anything.
The vet's number's on the fridge.
Play him some music.
He likes REM, but the early stuff, nothing after he shaved his head.
Did they say feed him now or later? Forget the pooch, where's the hooch?! I noticed you bought the cheap kibble.
What's with that? Will, this is supposed to be our night out.
- Can we watch the movie, please? - Oh, fine, fine.
You told them where the Snausages were, right? They'll find 'em, they'll find 'em.
I left some in every drawer just in case.
Snausages.
- Is this seat taken? - No, knock yourself out.
Hey, hi.
Remember, we met at John Canalie's party? Oh, yeah.
I remember.
Jack knows how to use the retractable leash, doesn't he? Hello, Father Will.
Cute and interested at 9:00.
Jack: Do "The Hustle.
" ( mimics song beat ) Hey, look Karen.
We're at Studio 54.
Hi, Liza.
Hi, Mischa.
And look now, there's Bianca.
Woo! Honey, I'm so glad I took it upon myself to thin out Grace's closet.
I just could not let her go on thinking she could pull off yellow.
Grace.
A skort? Rosario, this is your lucky day.
Oh, oops.
Here, puppy.
Here, puppy.
Pace yourself, Cujo.
What time is it? Oh my God, it's 11 :00.
- Where's his leash? - What? Why? What's going on? What's happening? What are you telling me? Well, it's last call.
This is when all the hotties take their dogs out for a final poop-n-cruise.
All right, I guess I'll head home.
Time to pay for that house in the Bahamas.
All right, pup, it's show time.
And focus, Uncle Jack needs a new pair of shoes, preferably with a 6' gorgeous hunk o' man in them.
Hello, Jack? Kare-- I knew we shouldn't have left him with those two.
It was like letting the Von Bulows babysit.
They're probably out walking him.
I cannot believe you could not sit through a 90-minute movie.
Forgive me for caring about the dog.
Are you implying that I don't care about the dog? - You treat him like he's a-- - Dog? He is a dog, not the Lindbergh baby.
I know he's a-- oh my God.
He left his chewy boot.
- Will? - This is his transition object.
- Wow.
You are obsessed.
- No, I'm not.
- Gimme your wallet.
- What? Gimme your wallet.
Don't know what that's gonna prove.
You are carrying around a picture of your dog in your wallet.
You weirdo! I love this dog! We totally bonded.
We just sat there together in the park.
He checked out butts, I checked out butts.
Where have you been? You better not have taken this dog to Boylesque.
Because God forbid he see a half-naked man, given that he is a completely naked dog! Let's take a dysfunction reading in the room, shall we? Oh, yeah, the wind's a' blowin'.
George, Martha, we'll be in the kitchen eating the free food.
Let us know when it's intermission.
- I'll be joining you.
- Oh, of course.
So you can obsessively monitor every milligram that he eats.
I think you've got me confused with your mother.
I would be very careful about opening the mom-bashing door.
I've got a lotta bullets in my belt.
Please stop the fighting.
I simply can't take the fighting.
Oh, it's not your fault, little one.
Sometimes bad people happen to good dogs.
- You know what I think this is? - Yeah, I do.
I think you think that it's about me wanting a kid, or something Sally Jessy stupid like that.
- You need to go out on a date.
- What? You need to be giving all this love and affection to something that's, I don't know, paper trained? Go on a date, Will.
It's time.
You already have your pickup line, "May I bite your snoots from loves?" Men were all over you at the park.
A cutie sat right next to you in the movie theater and all you were interested in are Liver Snaps.
Snausages.
Whatever, same food group.
You don't need another reason not to be open to-- Okay, okay, okay.
Message received.
- Even if that is true-- - It is.
- Even if it is-- - It is.
Boy, you're tough.
We still have a bigger problem.
I know.
I can't take him to work every day.
What about going back to my idea of doggie day care? No, I just can't do that to a puppy.
It's not fair.
Then what are you suggesting? He deserves to be with someone who can spend tons of time with him.
Who do we know that has that much time on his hands? You know, I'm not very fond of blondes, but you are fabulous.