Will and Grace s01e12 Episode Script

My Fair Maid-y

So I go back in the bookstore this morning and I just ask him out.
Good for you, Jack.
You actually got a date without the use of a modem and the cybername "Butt Masterson.
" At least I'm using my hard drive, Celibizia.
It was kind of romantic, though.
Our hands touched as we reached for a copy of "The Making Of Beaches.
" Holy dirty apartment, Fatman! Yeah.
Amazing, isn't it? You can practically feel the presence of Fred Sanford hovering above us.
( humming "Sanford & Son" theme ) Shut up, dummy! So what happened in here? Did Grace explode? No.
It's the annual Sublime Design Showcase.
Interior designers display their work for all these big design critics, and basically they decide who's hot and who's not.
It's insanely competitive, and every year she takes a stab at it and never wins.
She's the Susan Lucci of the design world.
So we need to be really sensitive to that, okay? You know, I can't-- There's no-- It won't-- I'm sleeping! Wake me never! Looks like it's gonna be another disappointing year for La Lucci.
Mmm-hmm.
Oh, good! You're back! Here, smell this.
Stinks, doesn't it? You were probably riding up in the elevator thinking, "What died?" Well, don't worry.
It's just my creativity rotting and stinking in my skull.
So you've had coffee? Then I started poppin' NoDoz.
- Now I'm hating myself really fast.
- Yeah.
So I'm guessing the chocolate covered espresso beans were a bad idea.
Oh, no-no.
No-no-no.
Give that to me.
Maybe I can get so speedy, I'll actually go back in time.
You know, to when I was actually good.
Grace, look at this.
This is good.
Oh-- horrible.
But you know what? I think I have finally pinpointed my problem.
- I suck.
- Grace you know how to do this.
Yeah, when I am helping other people realize what they want.
But when it's just me, nothing.
I mean, I'm like one of those weird fish that you always see swimming next to the ass of a shark.
That almost worked, didn't it? You were going for a whole parasite thing.
I was with you.
The point is - ( knocking on door ) - l have no vision.
Grace, you have vision.
Are you so blind you can't see that? Hi.
I'm-- I'm April.
The service sent me.
Oh, great.
I'm Will.
- And uh - Hi.
that mess over there is Grace.
Grace? This is gonna cheer you up.
A short brunette woman? Come on, Will.
I tried that in college.
Remember, it really wasn't my thing.
Well, I hope you have your own cleaning supplies 'cause I'm not packin'.
Little industry joke.
Oh, that's a little industry laugh.
Under the sink.
Huh? - Will, what is this? - I got you a cleaning woman.
I know you can only work when things are neat and clean and orderly.
Uh, no, Anal Annie, that's you! It'll blow my vibe having someone puttering around while I'm trying to work.
Excuse me, what vibe are we blowing here? You've been up for three days and all you've drawn is an outline of your hand, made into a turkey.
It was supposed to be a cow.
- See, I told you I suck! - No, honey, it's-- Look, see, it's a cow.
All right, look.
I've gotta go.
She'll do her thing, she'll stay out of your way.
You do yours and if you hit a rough spot, just-- It's easy, just think of your mother's taste, you know, and then go the other way.
Uh, excuse me.
This was crumbled up on the floor.
You didn't want to throw this out, did you? Oh, uh, that's just um that's garbage.
- Oh, really? - Mm-hm.
Looks pretty good to me.
What is it? It's a meditation room.
It was an early, tragic idea.
No, actually, the pop-up bidet was tragic.
This is just bad.
Bad, bad, bad.
Oh, God.
Hey, hey.
Come on, get up.
Let me show you something I learned in the Coast Guard.
Come on.
- Up-up-up.
- No, no.
No-no-no, come on, get up.
Shhh First, you close your eyes.
Then you get to a really quiet place.
Breathe in.
Calm and serene.
You're peaceful.
And let it out.
( screams ) You know, when we met at the bookstore, I have to say, I would never have guessed that you were a lawyer.
Probably 'cause I look so young.
Actually, I passed the bar the first time I took it, and um, funny story, John-John was taking it the same day I was.
( whispers ) For the third time.
And what do you know, I mean, he just sits right down next to me, and this time, he passes.
Uh, I'm not gonna say anything else.
You're a smart guy, Alex.
You connect the dots.
So what kind of law do you practice? I don't practice, I just do.
But I don't want to talk about me anymore.
You're out of order.
So how's grad school? Right now it's not bad.
I mean, I'm working on my dissertation, and every now and then I get to meet a cute intellectual type at a bookstore.
You do? Oh, me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Of course, me the brainiac.
Smarties love to staple.
- Excuse me? - Will, you're here.
Uh, well, it's about time.
You call yourself an assistant?! Actually, no.
I wouldn't either, given the way you just abandoned the phones like that.
Alex, this is my assistant, Will.
Will, I'm a lawyer and this is Alex.
From the bookstore? - Oh, hi, Alex.
- Hey.
Sorry I'm late, Iawyer McFarland.
The sign out front with your name on it must have fallen down.
I've been looking everywhere for it.
Right, uh, get that fixed immediately.
Gotta give him somethin' to do.
Alex, will you give me and Will a minute, please? - We gotta go over some uh-- - Torts? Uh, no, thanks.
We're gonna go for Chinese.
You know, I'll just-- I'll wait out front.
- Nice to meet you, Will.
- You, too.
Okay, okay, I'm sorry.
Please don't be mad, don't be mad.
Just listen.
I had to tell him I was something.
I mean, he calls me today and wants to meet me in my office for lunch.
How hot is that? Must be nice to have finally met someone that likes you for who you are.
Yeah, it's nice, but listen.
Please don't say anything.
I promise I'll tell him.
I've just got to find the right moment.
Oh, maybe during lunch, you know, when he finds out that McFarland can't afford the McNuggets because he's a McLiar.
- I hate myself.
- Of course you do, honey.
How could anybody be happy in bat mitzvah ruffles? Why don't you run home and change, hmm? I think we'll both feel better.
I'm gonna have a quick cry in the swatch room.
Honey, you still test-driving those anti-depressants? 'Cause I think it's time to buy.
Am I in the right place, Grace Adler Designs? Right place, wrong outfit.
What's it all about, honey? What's-- Well, I'm-- I'm April, Grace's cleaning lady.
Cleaning la-- Honey we shouldn't be talking.
Get to work.
Start with that big table there.
There's a phone in there somewhere.
It's been ringin' all morning.
It's driving me nuts.
- April, what are you doing here? - Oh, you didn't leave the key for me.
Oh, gosh.
Sorry.
Here it is.
Hey hey hey hey hey, what are you doin'? You're giving the maid a key? You're gonna be buying your jewelry back from hobos.
Karen, why don't you go to lunch? - Honey, it's 10:00 in the morning.
- In Boston.
Honey, that is so-- Eh-- okay.
Oh, great, you're working on that piece you threw out yesterday.
Yup, seeing if I can make it worse.
I think I did it.
Yup, designed a meditation room that could move the Dalai Lama to bitch-slap Richard Gere.
Yawn.
- Excuse me? - You're boring.
I hate people getting down on themselves.
You'd get down on yourself, too, if you had a-- If what? lf I had your talent? Uh-uh.
When I'd get down on myself, my mom had this saying that always made me feel better.
Let me see how she put it.
Let see if I can get it right.
Agh! Your mother wasn't Sam Kinnison by any chance, was she? Well, what does it say on your door? It doesn't say "Grace Adler Whines," it says "Grace Adler Designs," so quit beating yourself up and just do it.
- But I can't-- - Do it! Do it! Okay, okay.
You know, Mary Poppins got the same message across, but she did it in a nice little musical number.
You're like-- you're like a spoonful of whup-ass.
You know what I can do? I could add the element of scent-- an aromatherapy machine that would-- Tsk, stupid.
People will think - Agh! - l'm brilliant.
God, can't we just trade her in for a buzzer? 'Morning, ladies Karen.
Okay, you bring April to work once, I can accept that.
Twice, no problem.
I can fold my own socks, but five days a week? I've got mold on my shower curtain that is in escrow.
Will, I can't explain it, but whenever she's around, I get the most amazing ideas.
Will, you have to trust me on this.
I can't do this without her.
Let me get this straight.
You can't design without our maid? - Exactly.
- Yeah.
No, I've heard about this.
It's called the Hazel Syndrome.
Yeah.
They'll explain it all to you in the nervous hospital, Blanche.
"Yeah, these fingernails'll have to be trimmed.
" You're a brilliant designer.
Why do you need this? I just do.
Why can't you be a little more supportive about it? Okay, here's me being supportive: Grace, you're a little-- ( whistles "Cuckoo" ) Okay? You're relying on our maid to do your job.
Did Mr.
Brady ask Alice to help with the architecture?! I've got your number, sister.
I've seen "All About Eve.
" - Who? - "Poor Eve.
" Yeah, that's right, go ahead.
Play the poor, naive little maid with the heart of gold.
But I've got Grace's back! Trust me, you're not going to win the Tony in this version.
I don't know what you're talking about? I just want to help Grace.
Oh you're good.
Get up, get up, get up, get up! He's gonna be here any minute.
- Who? - Don't play games with me! Alex.
Come on, Will, he's the one.
I'm sure of it this time.
I thought Robert was the one.
Robert was cute.
I should call him.
Get up, get up! I thought you were gonna tell Alex that you are not a lawyer.
I lied.
Forgive me.
I was in character.
Why should I do this? Look at me, Will.
Think of how many funny little Jack stories you can spin out of this predicament.
This is grade-A fodder for a bitch like you.
Have a seat, boss.
- Okay, how do I look? - Great.
Who'd have thought that you could put clothes on that fast? Amazing.
Excuse me, Mr.
Lawyer, is this your bike lock? Excuse me, can I just be alone in my office for a minute please? Sure.
No, I just thought, you know, with your bike lock here and your bike out there, as a good assistant, I should mention that.
Damn it! Oh! Alex! Kill time! So much fodder, so little time.
Alex, come on in.
Jack's just locking up a deal.
He'll be-- he'll back in.
So-- what's uh, Jack like as a boss? Imperious.
Very much the queen bee.
Oh, Alex, what a surprise.
Uh, I'm a little out of breath.
Oh? Hung jury? You're a pig, get out.
Oh, the pants.
Uh, yeah, I'm just uh, running from case to case.
- So, how you doin'? - I'm okay.
Great, let me just check my call sheet and we'll grab a little lunch.
Actually, I just want to talk to you.
Uh, listen, Jack.
You're a great guy, but-- I'm getting the "great guy, but" speech, huh? It's just that you and I are in such different places in our lives.
I'm kinda lost and aimless.
I've got a new job every couple of weeks.
You're like this buttoned up professional-- stable, mature, goal-oriented, responsible.
Oh, no.
I'm not a lawyer, I'm a liar.
Jack, it's not gonna work out.
All right, I see.
Then I think you should go.
I've got a lot on my plate right now, and I'd probably break your heart.
- Anyway-- - Listen, one more thing.
It's a little awkward, but I wondered if you could fix me up with your assistant.
My as-- Will? - No - I mean, he just seem a little lost Iike me, and l-- I kind of like that.
He's straight.
Where is she? Where is April? "Poor Eve.
" Would you stop doing that? She knows it's this evening.
Where could she be? I can't say that I'm surprised.
I mean, you can take the maid out of the house, but you can't take the Karen, if this is you helping, stop helping.
Well, l-- You know what those rocks need? A little Scotch.
Listen, Grace, l I just wanted to point out that after all of your "April this" and "April that," who is here for you in your hour of need? Me.
Huh? And who will always be there for you? Huh, what? Oh? Oh, yeah, it's me.
Thank you, Karen.
- I really appreciate it.
- Anyway, look, I gotta run.
I got a salt scrub in an hour.
This is wrong.
It's all wrong.
And you, you are so wrong there.
Talking to pillows? Wow, you're like the Doctor Doolittle of furniture.
What are you doing? We had five different options for a floor plan.
April was supposed to be here early so we could agree on one.
I've had to do it all by myself, and look, look.
It's crap.
- It's fantastic.
- Oh, what do you know? Well, maybe a little bit more than the maid.
I am gay, after all.
Maybe I should try the second choice.
- Help me move the Tansu chest.
- No.
Grace, what are you doing? Just leave it.
It's gonna look better over here.
Would you leave it where it is? Stop it! Why do I feel like I'm in a shooting gallery? Ach! Screens? What was I thinking? It's like a bad Chinese restaurant.
Okay, getting a little angry here in the meditation room.
- Is that what you were going for? - If you want to help me, you will get April on the phone.
Well, you can stop saying that because she's not coming.
- How do you know? - Because I paid her not to come.
- What? - You don't need her, Grace.
You did this whole room yourself.
You paid April not to come? Oh my-- Okay, Will, tell me.
How much does my public humiliation go for these days? for a free mop.
Look, you're being ridiculous.
She didn't do anything, except go "Agh!" Oh, don't you dare mock the "Agh!" I have no connection to the "Agh!" You resent the "Agh!" - You fear the "Agh!" - Okay, look.
I'm gonna stop doing this right now, because frankly, it's a little embarrassing.
You're brilliant.
I've told you this all week long, but for whatever reason, you won't listen to me.
Will, you are wrong! This isn't good! - Actually, he's right.
- Oh, who the hell are you? I'm the design critic from "East Coast Living.
" Welcome to my meditation space.
Well, congratulations.
You kicked boo-tay.
Say it, "I kicked boo-tay.
" I kicked booty.
I think now I sense you're going to thank me.
Uh, no, because actually, I'm still mad at you.
No, correction.
You want to be mad at me, but you can't, because: A) I was right; but B) this meditation room is just too good.
Peace.
Oneness.
Om.
Thank you.
Om.
Let's go home.
Why home? There's a rock in my bum.
At least it's not your thumb.
Now it's going numb.