Will and Grace s02e04 Episode Script

Whose Mom is It Anyway?

I'm going to say this because I love you.
Your disproportionately large head gives you a marionette-like quality.
What do you think of my eyes? Two words.
major surgery.
The fact that you can see the white the entire way around the eyeball.
makes you look a little crazy.
And I say that with love.
- Puppet head.
- Crazy eyes.
Ahh! I'm not gonna-- I just can't believe she just-- no! So your mom called? One message from her and I am completely insane.
Really? Can you see the white all the way around your eye? Come on.
Will.
he's right here.
Thank you.
Lord and Lady Hateful.
Now.
if you'll excuse me.
I'm going to return to a world of polite people with normal-sized heads.
Come on.
Jack.
he's right here.
So how many verses did she leave on your machine? ( singing ) I'm coming to town I wanna have lunch with you and Will And I'm bringing Andy Fellner.
Another one of her famous fix ups.
Can you believe her? Maybe this one will be cute.
you know? It's got to be better than the guy she found on "nicejewishchiropractors.
com.
" I doubt it.
I went to camp with Andy Fellner.
Three years in a row we did the recreation of Noah's Ark.
And three years in a row Andy was cast in the role of Woodchuck #2.
His one line was.
"Ft-ft-ft-ft-ft-ft" Who were you? - Noah's wife.
- Oh.
very nice.
Who'd you sleep with to get that? - Will.
I was 11.
- Oh.
Although I did French kiss Yak #1 behind the canteen.
- He was good.
- You know what they say.
once you go yak.
you never go back.
( theme music playing ) Ooh! I want this! Yes! They have it! Cher! ( imitating Cher ) It takes time to move on I need love to feel strong.
Cher.
I was-- I don't think so.
She's so over.
right? Love you.
Uh.
eeny.
meeny.
miney.
Britney! - We met in SoHo.
- It was the Village.
- Gay pride? - "Wigstock.
" Ah.
yes.
I remember it well.
- In a cage.
- On a box.
- Vodka neat? - On the rocks.
Ah.
yes.
I remember it well.
- See you around.
- Okay.
- Oh! Oh! - ( both laugh ) Come on.
Jack.
We've got to get out-- what are you looking at.
Sideburns? Never seen somebody with money and soap? Come on.
come on.
Break time is over.
Karen.
I don't want to study anymore.
Can't I just wing it tomorrow at lmmigration? No.
you have to convince them that you two are a real married couple or this one's gonna be spooning ceviche out of a bucket on a dusty soccer field back in Chimichangaville! Listen.
Iady.
in my country.
I was a schoolteacher.
Yeah? Well.
in this country.
you wash my bras.
- Listen.
seƱorita.
I could pick up - You better be careful what you say ( overlapping dialogue ) a Brazil nut! Oh.
Jack.
don't let 'em take my sunshine away.
I love my mommy! Grace.
what are you doing? You look like that guy on Third Avenue that tried to sell me his toothbrush.
I just want to have my speech ready for when my mom gets here.
I'm not gonna let her run my life anymore.
No more fix ups.
Grace Iook.
I'm sorry your mother causes you so much pain and embarrassment.
but you've got to look at it this way.
it's incredibly entertaining for me.
Does that help at all? Will.
I know you don't understand these things because you have a normal repressed passive-aggressive.
panty-wearing mother.
But do you think maybe you could be just a teeny bit supportive? Okay.
I'm sorry.
Support can be beautiful.
I'm right here if you need an assist.
I feel good.
I feel calm.
I feel ready.
Can we go? Oh.
too late.
The mothership has landed.
- 76 trombones led the big parade - Mom.
Mom-- - With 110 cornets close behind-- - Mom.
Mom you do realize that parade is only in your head? Bobbi.
you are.
as always.
a vision.
Will.
if you were any more delicious.
I'd have to spread you on a cracker right here.
That was really nice for me.
How's my favorite daughter? - Okay.
Mom.
- She's not really my favorite.
I say that to all my girls.
- It makes them feel special.
- Ah.
So.
Mom.
how's "The Music Man" going? Dad said it opens next week.
Well.
excuse me.
it's "Music Person.
" I'm starring as Professor Carol Hill.
If it's as half as good as your performance as Millie Lohman in Death of a Salesperson I'm so excited about this match.
You know.
Andy and Grace went to camp together.
Will.
Yes.
I heard.
Woodchuck #2.
Oh! He was good.
Ft-ft-ft! Oh! He's here.
He's here.
Andy! Look! We're over here.
dear.
- Hi! - Hello.
doll.
You remember Grace.
- Yeah.
hey.
Grace.
- Andy.
- Hi.
- This is Will.
- Hey.
Andy.
nice to meet you.
- Will.
Sit down.
sit down.
sit down.
sit down.
So.
Iast week.
Andy's mother called me and-- Mom.
Mom.
no.
no.
I've got to interrupt you 'cause there's something I want to say.
And.
Andy.
believe me.
this has absolutely nothing to do with you.
"Since the dawn of time.
parents and children have woven an uneasy rug with the twin strands of codependence and independence" Move it along.
Grace.
I'm in my late 40s.
Okay.
okay.
Mom.
What I am-- what I'm trying to say to you is that-- Andy.
I think you're a really great guy.
I think you're a really great girl.
- Grace-- - Mom.
no.
Let me finish.
Look.
How many times do we have to go through this? I'm sure that Andy is a really great guy.
but.
but clearly.
he's not for me.
That's right.
Andy's here to meet Will.
Oh! Well.
ain't that a kick in the head? Will you excuse us a moment? Grace.
could I see you over by the chutney bar? - I don't really like chutney.
- It's not about the chutney.
I am not getting fixed up by your mother.
I'm sorry.
I know this is so embarrassing for you.
but look at it this way.
It's incredibly entertaining for me.
- I am not doing it.
Grace.
okay? - That's fine.
I totally understand.
- But just-- just one thing.
- What? - You have to.
- What? You'll tell my mom how bad it is.
She'll believe you because.
well.
you didn't come out of her.
Don't-- ew-- don't.
And then she will finally realize what a bad matchmaker she is.
and she will stop fixing me up.
- Grace-- - Oh.
please.
please.
please.
please.
please? Please? Clearly.
I'm not gonna win this argument.
- Okay.
one date.
- Thank you.
Oh! Besides.
I-- I may get to answer - the age-old question.
- What's that? "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck?" What are we doing here? I'm missing "Nash Bridges.
" You made a match between Will and Andy.
and the date's almost over.
so I just wanted you to be here so you could witness the fruits of your labor.
I don't think we should be here.
What if they want to come back for a little touchie-nookie-nicky? Mom.
can I take you to my therapist? Because he thinks I'm making you up.
What do the boys make out to these days? Is it still Judy? What are you smiling at? You really think you have a knack for this.
don't you? Even after you set me up with Stanley Fink the mortician.
Scott Barkey.
who had to touch everything 10 times.
then smell it.
You could've done a lot worse than Stanley Fink.
Mom.
he was a mortician.
He touched dead people.
and then cooked me short ribs.
But you know what? Why take my word for it? Why don't we just wait and see what Will has to say? I think then maybe you'll know why I'm smiling.
That is one terrific woodchuck.
Uh.
Rosario.
what does Jack's father do? Make people feel bad about who they are.
This is no time to be fooling around! Karen.
she's right.
- Rosario.
you'll go in first.
- I need some water.
Again? What are you.
snacking on a saltlick when I'm not looking? Look.
Jack.
there goes my world.
There goes my everything.
Stop worrying.
She's just a maid.
Just a maid? ( gasping ) That's like saying that Pradas are just shoes.
or vodka is just a morning beverage.
Karen.
please.
the dramatics.
Don't you understand how she-- okay.
I am going to tell you something that I've never told anyone.
Rosario is my mother.
She is not your mother.
All right.
she's not my mother.
But.
sweet nectar of the gods.
nobody gets the Merlot out of my nylons like that little plantain.
- Karen.
- She runs the entire house.
She alphabetizes my medicine cabinet.
- She knows the ins and outs-- - Karen! She's my friend! She's not your friend.
Oh my God.
she is! Wow! Real feelings.
Are you okay? Look.
Karen.
just leave everything to me.
I promise nothing will go wrong.
okay? Okay.
I'll see Mr.
and Mrs.
McFarland now.
- Oh.
- Yes.
I remember him well.
The last guy I went out with wasn't a fix up.
He was more of a fixer-upper.
I used to call him "This Old Boyfriend.
" Hi.
Andy.
Will.
I'm sorry to bother you.
My latch.
it's stuck.
Can you do that trick you do to unstick it? You know.
the whack.
the bang.
and the wiggle-wiggle-waggle? I'm really sorry you had to hear that.
- Excuse me.
- That's okay.
"Whack.
bang.
wiggle-wiggle"? - It was code.
- For what? I'm 12? You sold me out.
Grace.
go to bed.
You've obviously had a very busy day of crazy.
No.
I don't think so.
You were supposed to be proving a point to my mother.
not sharing a nice evening with someone.
This completely flies in the face of my master plan! Master plan? What are you.
"Simon Bar Sinister"? - Grace.
I like him.
- Well.
cut it out! Will.
you don't even know him.
For your information.
he sucked at tetherball.
Yeah! Uh-huh! He showered in his underwear.
and he once barfed s'mores all over the lodge.
But no.
Will has to go and find his good side.
When did you get to be so spiteful? Guess what.
This isn't about you.
This is about me.
And if you have a problem with that.
then it's something you should take up with your pharmacist.
I'm going back to my apartment.
have a glass of wine.
some nice conversation.
and if all goes well.
a little "whack.
bang.
wiggle-wiggle.
" Good night.
How could you not know he worked for the INS? Don't they teach you anything in homo school? So what kind of music does your husband like? Well.
when he's doing butt-robics.
he likes 'N Sync.
But for the spinning class.
he prefers the oldies.
You know.
Frankie Goes to Hollywood.
Relax.
stop doing it.
Relax.
stop doing it.
And where did you two meet? Hmm.
Iet me guess.
It was Boy Bar.
I don't know what you're talking about.
It was a blind date and we went to Arby's.
Okay.
Let's stop pretending.
I've gotten farther with your husband than you have.
I hope your bags are packed 'cause you're going back to EI Salvador.
Oh my God! Honey.
they're sending her back! Oh No.
they're not.
No one's going anywhere! How dare you imply our marriage is a sham! You're gay! What.
a guy sleeps with guys.
and immediately he's pegged as gay? Let me tell you a little something about the day I met Rosario.
I looked over the top of those half glasses into those big brown eyes.
and I knew from that moment love had found Jack McFarland.
Oh.
my cha-cha! Rosario.
my love.
my life.
my all I adore you.
You had me at hola.
Good Lord.
You know you shouldn't look.
but there is a certain morbid fascination.
isn't there? Sweetie.
I believe this is yours.
Now.
I've seen people desperate to be an American.
but that is desperate to be an American.
Fine.
You passed.
See you in six months.
We never met.
We won! Oh.
honey.
you were magnificent! And the light is back in my life.
Oh.
honey.
you know.
it's funny how-- sometimes you just don't realize how much you might miss something until it's almost gone.
Which reminds me.
I've got a Chanel suit at the dry cleaners and.
boy.
did I miss it! Come on.
They close in an hour.
Move it or lose it! ( whispering ) Muy caliente.
Sorry for all these interruptions.
I promise Grace will not be coming back.
You want to watch some TV.
or do you want to save that for two years from now when we have nothing to say to each other? Will.
there's something wrong with the door.
The chain's on.
Well.
that's because I couldn't weld it shut.
Hello.
hello.
hello.
hello.
hello-- ( banging door ) Hey! Hey! Francis! What is the number one rule in the Will and Grace rule book? No white belts? No.
Incorrect.
It's "God help the sister that comes between me and my mister.
" You know.
even though I am not a superhero.
I can still hear you.
This is getting a little weird.
I think I should just go.
No.
this'll just take a second.
No.
Listen.
she obviously has a problem.
Why don't you figure out what it is and call me tomorrow? From a secure location.
Unbelievable.
Oh.
Don't put this on me.
You screwed this up.
If you would've just stuck to the master plan-- Stop mentioning the plan.
There is no plan! Don't say "master.
" don't say "plan.
" All I'm saying is.
if you had just told my mother that you hated Andy-- I don't hate Andy.
I like Andy.
Well.
Humphrey Bogart liked lngrid Bergman.
but he gave her up for the good of the Resistance.
Have you been swinging from power lines? All I'm saying is.
if you had just followed the program.
formerly known as "The Master Plan.
" - my mother would stop fixing me up! - Grace.
Iet me ask you a question.
Has your mother fixed you up the whole time she's been here? - No.
- Has she mentioned fixing you up? - No.
- Do you get the impression - that a fix up is on the horizon? - No.
- Then what's your damage.
heather? - My damage? - Yes! Damage! - My damage? My damage is that she stop fixing me up! Yeah.
I think that's a discussion between you and your mom.
I'm gonna go find Andy.
How did you get this nuts? I guess we'll never know.
- I made him wait in the lobby! - Thank you! Mom.
have you given up on me? Darling.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Why did you stopped fixing me up? Well.
Grace you told me to stop interfering in your life.
so I stopped.
Mom.
I've been saying that ever since you snuck falsies into my band uniform.
What's different now? - I listen.
- You're a mother.
You're not supposed to listen.
Then what do you want me to do? I don't want you to fix me up.
But I want you to want to fix me up.
I just don't want you to want me to want to go out with the guys that you want to fix me up with.
You know.
this rambling problem comes from your grandmother.
Honey.
whatever you said.
I promise I'll try.
- Thanks.
Mom.
- Oh.
the gays are so much easier! I'm so sorry.
Well.
I'm sorry that-- I didn't do anything wrong.
God.
you've got me well trained! ( sighs ) Come here.
You two feel something when you hug? Anything? Because.
Will.
if you did.
it would make my life so much easier.
( theme music playing )