Will and Grace s02e16 Episode Script

Hey La, Hey La, My Ex-Boyfriend's Back

Ugh.
will you let it go.
already? I'm sorry.
but your husband here put a shameless move on the produce guy when I had subtly signaled to him that he was to be my hothouse tomato.
Subtly? You-- you put the vegetable hose between your legs and shpritzed me.
Hey.
guys.
guys.
guys.
guys.
I can end this right now.
Although the produce man handles fruit.
he does not sleep with it.
He gave me his phone number.
- He was fat.
- Thing on his lip.
Answering machine: You have one message.
- ( beeps ) - Hey, Michael again.
Listen, I've been thinking and I'm gonna give you one chance to reconsider.
Come on, Face.
Call me.
I-- Oh my G--.
Why is my ex-boyfriend calling you? Will.
you stay out of this.
Why is his ex-boyfriend calling you? The man who dumped him after seven years and left him with nothing but a broken heart and a couple of love handles? Michael called the other day.
He's back in Manhattan.
He just moved into a new townhouse and he asked me to decorate it.
How could you even think-- Will.
try and stay calm.
Breathe.
Here.
put your head between my knees.
Pass.
Uh-- Will.
I said no.
I thought it might be kind of weird for you.
"Thought".
"might.
" "kind of"? How could you? Don't Will's feelings mean anything to you? Look.
at least.
I'm here for you.
buddy.
You can always count on me.
even to-- ( pager beeping ) Oh.
I gotta go.
Toby found a car.
Look.
I d-- I didn't tell you that he called.
because the last thing I wanted to do was to put you - in an uncomfortable position.
- Grace! You should do this.
You were Michael's friend.
too.
You hung out together.
you were Buddhists for a week together.
I mean.
you gave him mono in a manner I'm still not entirely clear on.
It's fine.
I don't buy it.
You're a well-known liar.
You seem to have it in your head that this is a bigger deal for me than it is.
It's been two years.
I'm over him.
Do it.
- You sure? - I'm sure.
Anyway.
I know you want the job.
- You're already doing it in your head.
- I'm not.
- Living room? - Ethnic texture.
- Bathroom? - Plaid.
fun.
humor.
- Bedroom? - Plush.
white.
the '40s.
- But you haven't thought of it? - Hasn't even crossed my mind.
( theme music playing ) - Morning.
- Afternoon.
Honey.
I went out for drinks last night with the girls.
It was just me.
Paloma.
Marlo and Mr.
Blackwell.
They're all doing something.
I mean.
take Marlo.
She's always working for charity.
she's on the board of.
uh-- Oh.
what the hell.
she's thin and busy.
Just made me think.
I mean.
I'm 32 years old and what have I done with my life? Well.
for one thing.
you misplaced the better part of a decade.
So.
I've come to a decision.
I'm going to decorate Michael's place.
I mean.
he's gay.
how hard could it be? Chrome.
black leather.
a shower for six.
done! Um.
Karen.
okay.
You know what? I really think that you are just stretched too thin as it is.
I mean.
you have nails to file.
Vogues to read.
and those pills aren't gonna take themselves.
Well.
that's very sweet of you.
honey.
but I really think that-- Karen.
I'm sorry.
No.
Oh.
I understand.
And you're right.
I guess I really haven't earned this opportunity.
Thank you.
It's yesterday's.
It's cold.
And there's Kahlua in it.
But thank you.
- I could make a fresh pot.
- You don't know how.
I could fax something.
You don't know how.
- I could-- - You don't know how.
Honey.
I love this blouse.
This fabric is just yummy.
- You are a pretty lady.
I don't tell-- - Okay.
okay.
okay! Okay.
now you're creeping me out.
Okay.
you can-- you can do a chair.
- One.
one.
one chair.
- Oh.
thank you! Oh.
you won't be sorry.
Michael is gonna be so happy.
That queen will be sitting on a throne.
Come on! Come on.
come on.
come on.
I don't understand why you didn't just go in the movie theater.
I can't pee in public bathrooms.
Why not? You do everything else in them.
Block.
Come on.
come on.
come on.
come on.
- You look like you're in pain.
- I am.
That's why I probably shouldn't do this.
Oh.
Grace.
one thing.
I want the powder room to be kind of butch.
Well.
Iet's start with not calling it the powder room.
Michael.
- I used to live there.
- I used to live there too.
That's right.
Was he a clean freak with you.
too? Did he follow you around with a Dust Buster whenever you ate a muffin? You were allowed to eat in the apartment? He must have liked you more than a friend.
( chuckles ) Oh.
okay.
all right.
here.
Uh.
I'll be right back.
I forgot my vitamin E stick.
I've been having such dry lip issues.
But we have all day to talk about that.
Goody.
- Michael.
- Will.
Oh.
my G--! Oh my God.
Wow.
- How are you? - Good.
You? Good.
I-- I haven't seen you.
when-- when was it? Oh.
it was the um-- - Yeah.
I know.
I know.
it's been-- - Yeah.
it's been s-- ( both laughing ) Yeah! Okay.
We-- oh.
Yes.
Gay-ja vu.
Uh.
I thought that you and Jack were going to a movie.
Yeah.
we did.
but Jack had a large Sprite.
and.
well.
I promised him a gold star if we had a dry week.
you know.
( forced laughter ) Ah.
Okay.
Well.
you know.
we should really go.
because that way we won't be here.
So we-- - Hey.
Will? - Hmm? You look really good.
Damn.
my tiny bladder.
I can't believe I missed what happened out there.
Tell me everything.
Start from the beginning.
How did he say I looked? Like you'd put on a little ego.
Can I just tell you.
I could swear I just got a vibe from Michael.
Iike he still feels something? - Really? - Well.
I mean.
come on.
Yes.
he's working with Grace.
but do they have to meet two feet from the apartment we shared for seven years? Do they have to go to the restaurant where we had our first date? Did he really say nothing about me? He told me I looked good.
Your boyfriend's back.
he's gonna save your reputation Both: Hey la.
hey la.
Will: You know what I think? I think he realized he made a mistake.
So? How does it feel? - Good.
felt good.
- Yeah? - Don't tell me.
tell him.
- Really? - I dunno.
I dunno-- - Look.
Iook.
Will.
if what's holding you back is your attraction to me.
I I just want you to know.
it will never happen.
Okay? Let that free you to pursue other.
Iesser men.
Oh.
Jack.
there are no lesser men than you.
Thank you.
(phone rings ) Karen Walker Designs.
Oh.
hey Grace.
Yeah Oh.
yeah.
it's just been ringing off the hook all morning.
No.
of course.
I haven't answered it.
I'm too busy working on my chair.
Oh.
yeah.
Good point.
Why did I pick it up now? Hah! She's crazy.
( knock on door) - Will! - Hey.
Can l come in? Well.
the place is a bit of a mess.
Still moving things in.
but yeah.
Yeah-yeah.
sure.
- Very nice.
- Thanks.
And it looks huge.
What do you need all this space for? Well.
I'm thinking of getting a chimp.
You know how they like to cycle around the place.
I've got my chimp on a Nordic Trak.
He gets in his little suit and hops on.
watches the TV.
He loves it.
But enough about Jack.
- So.
why are you-- - I didn't get a chance to tell you.
when I saw you in the hallway of awkwardness that you look good.
too.
Thanks.
Listen.
I've been meaning to call you.
- It's been a while since we talked-- - Oh.
wow.
The first thing we ever bought together.
Unless you count the matching l-Can't-Even-Think-Straight T-shirts.
Look at it.
here it is.
right in the middle of the room.
Oh.
the second hand is still broken.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
I've been meaning to get that fixed.
- Listen.
you want to go for a walk? - Mickey.
Iook Iet me say this first.
You're back in town.
you're-- you're spending all this time with Grace.
You're hanging around the old apartment.
Now the clock.
I think we both know Look out.
ill-advised impulse purchase coming through.
Where do you want it? - Bedroom.
- Right.
New York movers for you.
they move it and they judge it.
- Will-- - Let me finish.
It just seems like you may still have feelings for me.
and I want you to know that that I also-- Do you need to be here for this? Uh.
yeah.
I do.
Will.
this is Andrew Kirkland.
We live together.
Huh.
Wow.
First they move you in.
then they stay.
- Will.
he's my-- - I-- I know who he is.
Michael.
- Andrew.
nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
I'm-- I'm gonna be going.
And I'm going to take this with me.
Karen: Oh, Grace.
Thank God you're here.
My head is spinning and not in a good way.
Okay.
okay.
Karen.
Calm down.
calm down.
All right.
Iet's try a little experiment we did during my first year at the Fashion lnstitute.
Okay.
One kiss and then back to work.
No.
A different experiment.
Okay sit in this chair and pretend you're at home.
Honey.
I can't do that.
My furniture's good.
- This is your third Manhattan.
- I'm in the library.
- Music is playing.
- Good.
Now.
you are unwinding after a nice dinner of cocktail onions and lime wedges.
- Mmm.
- What are you doing? Probably yelling at the fat one.
Okay.
Yelling at the fat one-- known to his future therapist as Mason.
Go.
Okay.
"Hey.
Iittle Buddha! Where you going with those pies?!" That didn't feel quite right.
- Try another one.
- Oh.
Okay.
"Mason.
sweetie.
would you like a glass of milk with that pie?" What the hell?! Okay.
we're gonna keep this one for your desk.
- Next.
- Oh.
"Drop those pies.
boy.
You know the rule when we can see your neck.
you can have dessert.
" "Rosario.
hug the girl.
The school said she needs affection.
" "Oh.
and Stanley.
for God's sake.
get out of that tanning booth.
you're starting to look like a cheese doodle.
" Oh.
this is a good one.
yeah.
Oh.
yeah.
Does your jaw unhinge when you capture prey? How could you not tell me Michael has a boyfriend? Oh my God.
what happened? Did you guys talk? Yeah.
yeah.
At his apartment.
When I went over and humiliated myself.
by telling Michael I still had feelings for him.
Wait.
What?! I thought you said you were over him.
Well.
excuse me for lying! Hey.
hey! Hey.
hey.
hey! This is a place of business! We are trying to get some work done in here.
and we don't need you just barging-- okay.
I'm saying it and I don't even buy it.
Okay.
creative urge filled.
but my urge for a gin rickey is still alive and kicking.
Okay.
I'm out of here.
Keep on yelling.
There you go.
How could you not tell me something like that? I was trying to protect you.
Oh! Nice.
nice job of protection.
Grace.
If you were a condom.
I'd be pregnant now.
I thought I was being a good friend.
Believe me.
the last thing I ever wanted was for you to get hurt.
Oh.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I just-- I-- I was out of my mind over there.
You know.
I took a clock! Who does that? - The deco clock in the living room? - Yeah.
Oh thank God.
it was hideous.
It didn't go with anything I was doing.
- Grace! - Oh! Oh.
right.
Right.
right.
right.
Your pain.
How can I make it better? Just-- I just need you to tell me everything.
It's much easier than finding out from other people.
Look.
I don't know.
You're gonna get upset.
- No.
I won't.
- You promise? - I promise.
- Okay.
what do you want to know? - When did they start going out? - Oh.
you're gonna get mad.
- No.
I won't.
Tell me.
- January.
- Oh.
okay.
see? Perfectly calm.
- Of '97.
What?! Two months after we broke up? Damn it.
Grace! Why don't you just stick a knife in my heart? - But you said-- - Don't listen to me.
- you know better than that.
- See? I was right! I knew you were gonna get mad! God.
I went over there.
I was wearing the good jeans.
I-- I-- I plucked my eyebrows so I wouldn't have that scary Peter Gallagher thing going on.
I'm an idiot! - Sweetie.
no-- - No.
don't.
I can't believe you did this to me.
Hey.
Iittle camper.
How're you doing? Fantastic.
Look.
Will.
you need to find some way to put this behind you.
People get over people.
I've had to get over a lot of people.
- It's hard.
- Jack.
I had a seven-year relationship.
You had a restraining order from the US gymnastic team.
Okay.
suggestion.
Get off your Huffy bike and let me help you.
You have to get past this Michael thing.
And I think I have just the answer.
Hi.
Jack.
why is there a sailor at my door? Because this sailor is your new boyfriend.
( gasps ) You may now thank me.
Oh.
there's a lot of things I'd like to do to you right now.
I just need a yes or a no.
Anchors aweigh.
Vamos.
Jack: I think he's gonna be okay.
You want to hear something disturbing? That's the same guy Jack brought me when I broke up with Danny.
Perhaps you've forgotten.
but I'm not talking to you.
Okay.
Will.
what did you expect Michael to do? Pine away in a dark room.
while listening to "I Can't Live if Living is Without You"? No.
There can be a lamp in the room.
What is it? I just-- I can't-- I keep thinking I'm over this guy.
and then it turns out I'm not and I get pain.
Obviously, the same pathology that keeps me going back to see Kevin Costner movies.
Sweetie.
you invested seven years with Michael.
Of course it's gonna take some time.
Yeah.
so how come he finds somebody after two months? Am I that easy to get over? No.
No.
you're not.
Well.
how do you know? - You wouldn't even-- - Will.
I know.
Oh.
that's right.
- You do know.
- Mm-hm.
Okay.
it was at college.
Okay.
when you and I broke up.
it was for different reasons.
I wanted to raise the kids Jewish.
you wanted to sleep with men.
I really do enjoy that.
Mmm.
The point being.
if I never got past that.
we wouldn't have this.
This this totally inappropriate.
boundariless.
highly-dysfunctional relationship that I cherish oh-so-much.
Thanks.
sweetie.
And I know that you're feeling badly right now.
but believe me.
this too shall pass.
I guess.
I just with I could-- could say the same about this cake.
( theme music playing )