Will and Grace s02e18 Episode Script

Sweet (and Sour) Charity

Where's the key? Where's the key? Will.
you're just setting yourself up.
we're not gonna win.
I need the phone! I need the phone! Who are you.
Vinnie Two-Times? Stop saying everything twice.
Okay.
okay.
Okay.
Why are you not more excited about this? This is front-row seats to a sold out Joni Mitchell concert.
You love her.
Will.
regular people don't win these things.
It's just losers who have their radio station on speed dial.
( speed dials ) Oh.
Will! You do what you want but you are on your own.
I'm not gonna get myself all pumped up about something.
just to be devastated when it doesn't happen.
Hello? I got someone.
Oh my God.
we're gonna win.
we're gonna win.
I knew it! Hi.
my name is-- get off the phone! Jack: No, you get offthe phone.
- Hang up! - No.
you hang up.
- You're such a child.
- Nuh-uh.
you're the child.
Give me the phone.
that's my phone.
- It's my apartment.
- It is not your apartment! Between 10:00 and 5:00 it is.
You know the deal.
That deal only exists in your head.
- Give me the pho-- - No! Oh my God.
naked pictures of James Van Der Beek.
What? Where? I knew he'd crack.
( speed dials ) - Busy.
- This call better be important.
I was talking Rory through a very tragic body wax that nearly cost him a teat.
It is important.
It is Joni Mitchell and if we are the 105th caller.
we win front-row seats.
Okay.
easy does it.
geekalicious.
It's not like it's brunch with Cher.
Oh my God! How great would that be? ( mimics Cher ) More huevos rancheros.
Jack.
Oh.
yes I'll hold.
I'm holding.
Oh God.
please.
just give me this one thing and I will dedicate myself completely to Thee.
Okay.
maybe not completely because.
you know.
I have a life.
But trust me.
I will make it so worth your while.
Really God.
if you think about it.
it's win-win.
Hi.
yes.
my name is Will Truman.
I love your radio station.
I even have it on speed dial.
They're laughing at me.
I'm sorry? I'm the 105th caller? I won.
Could you just hold on for a minute.
please? ( squealing ) Hi.
yes I'm back.
Truman.
So.
now what are you gonna do.
Grace.
huh? You made a promise to the big girl upstairs.
What?! I'm talking about the Lord.
Jack.
just-- You don't want to mess with the Almighty.
Grace.
You don't want to go to hell.
You know what heat and sulfur does to your hair.
Stop it! I have every intention of keeping my promise.
Thank you.
yeah.
We won! I know and that's why I'm gonna do something for charity.
- Good for you.
- And? And very good for you.
You and I have to do something to deserve these tickets.
This is not about miracles or divine intervention.
okay? I had the skill to be the 105th caller.
Don't-- no.
I'm not doing charity.
Look.
Iook.
I'm sorry.
I'm hung up on this.
so we can either drag this out or we can just shorthand it.
Shorthand.
- Will.
do it.
- No.
- Please? Come on.
- No.
All right.
God.
you two are so married.
( theme music playing ) Jack: Oh my God.
Karen.
I'm so excited.
I've never been in your closet.
before.
Well.
don't get your hopes up.
honey.
you'll just be disappointed.
My God! If my closet were like this.
I never would have come out of it.
Oh Lord.
there's nothing here.
I mean why do we have to do this? Hey.
Grace hit me up to give clothes to charity too.
It was hard but I dug deep and I gave away two bags of Will's favorite sportcoats.
Yeah.
but I mean look around.
Jack.
What could I possibly give away? I'll take these.
The color really brings out my ass.
Come on.
focus! We're not here for you.
we're here for the homeless.
They are so lucky! I hope they know how lucky they are.
All right.
well.
Iet's just jump in.
Okay.
here is a sweater.
here is a hat.
Here's my arm.
here's my heart.
I can't do this! Karen.
of course you can do this.
No.
I can't! It's like giving away your own children.
No.
it's harder.
You can always have another kid but Herm├Ęs only made this print once.
Now.
give me one good reason why a man can't go out in a nice pillbox hat.
Hello.
reason.
( gasps ) Oh my God.
Iook.
There are actually pills in here.
Come on.
put that away and help me out.
Every item has such sentimental value.
I mean.
take this dress-- Stan gave it to me on our honeymoon and to this day.
every time I wear it.
he can't keep his hands off of me.
Sayonara.
You have a phone call.
Hey.
don't just barge in here barking orders at me.
I'm in the middle of the hardest thing I've ever had to do! It's your pharmacist.
Honey.
I have to take this.
Go ahead.
I can handle it.
Oh.
you can handle it? lnteresting.
I have spent most of my adult life and millions of my husband's dollars learning about fashion.
What are your qualifications.
hm? Umm I'm gay.
Oh honey.
what would I do without you? You never have to worry about that.
Oh! Ew.
I'll start with the Puccis and Guccis and work my way to Fioruccis and Susan Luccis.
"Once I was lost but now I am found.
" Hi.
I'm Grace Adler.
this is my friend Will Truman.
I called this morning.
Because I believe.
as I'm sure you do.
that helping people-- Oh yes.
I remember.
You had me on the phone for 45 minutes.
I get it.
you care.
you care.
( sneezes ) God bless you.
( chuckles ) I guess-- I guess that's a little redundant.
I mean.
of course you're gonna get blessed.
I mean-- think of who you're married to.
I mean.
think of who your father-in-law is.
whoa! I'm sorry.
I'm a little nervous.
I don't know from nuns.
We generally ask our volunteers to put in a minimum of five hours per week.
Five?! Yeah That-- you know-- my schedule is so nuts right now.
between work and trying to have a social life.
no offense.
I thought maybe it'd be best if l-- Will.
she does not want your checkbook charity.
What she wants is us to give of our time.
Ooh.
you're one of those.
We're willing to do anything for anybody at any time.
As long as it's between Well.
Iet's see.
what have we got left? Our community bazaar is this weekend and there's an opening - on the entertainment committee.
- Oh.
that's perfect! Will and l.
when we were in college.
we had this little improv group-- The Zanies.
Come on.
Will.
We're zany! Okay.
I think I should tell you.
you won't be doing the entertaining.
Really? Well.
we'll see.
When do we start? You can start right now.
Follow me.
Our production of "Stone Soup" is this Saturday afternoon.
You two can direct the children and narrate the story.
( children screaming ) Oh! This is gonna be great.
kids love me.
( groans ) I'm trying to help! Okay.
we-- we gotta slow down here.
I don't think I can do this.
This is a little more than I bargained for.
Come on.
you said you were gonna help.
And I wanna help.
but directing a bunch of screaming kids? Mister.
will you save our play? Let's make magic.
people.
( kids cheering ) Will: "and once all the vegetables were in the pot, the mysterious stranger stirred it into a rolling boil.
" "And the villagers cheered because they knew they'd be enjoying the delicious stone soup that they all made together.
" - Okay guys.
say your line.
- No.
the other line.
- Yay! All right.
good one! Everybody grab a cookie and gather round.
- Are you two married? - Married? No.
I'm never ever gonna get married.
Girls are yucky! Right back at you.
broc.
You read too fast.
You forgot half your lines.
Iittle Miss Roughage.
Grace?! That carrot has been giving me attitude for three days.
If she doesn't watch out.
she'll end up in a juicer.
She's six.
Nurse Ratchet.
- I'm just trying to help.
- Don't try so hard.
Relax.
Besides.
it's all gonna be over in a few hours and then tonight Joni Mitchell! Oh my God.
I can't wait.
I was a free man in Paris I was unfettered and alive Okay Iet's just leave it to Joni.
What do you think? I thought you liked my singing.
Huh.
Okay.
Now.
this afternoon.
remember to speak up and don't turn your backs to the audience.
okay? And have a good time because it's gonna be the best play ever.
right? Right! - We're gonna have a lot of fun.
right? - Right! We're all gonna keep our costumes nice and clean until then.
right? And after the show.
we're all gonna go out for ice cream.
right? Right! By the way.
we're totally not doing that.
Okay.
now the play starts at 5:00.
which means everybody should be in their costumes.
ready to go at what time? - ( kids yell different times ) - 4:30.
exactly! Wait a minute.
children.
I have something I need to say.
( coughs ) Oh.
that ferkochta flu will be the death of me.
Anyway.
since you all have done such a good job.
Father Gallagher has decided to make the play the finale of tonight's bazaar.
Yay! Be here at 7:30.
you go on at 8:00.
- Yay! - 8:00?! See.
we have plans at 8:00.
We have front-row seats for Joni Mitchell at 8:00.
so we have to go.
I mean you would do the same thing.
I've never been beyond that fence.
I can't believe this.
we're gonna miss Joni Mitchell.
What can we do? We made a commitment.
Yeah.
I guess you're right.
- No one ever said charity was easy.
- Yeah.
You know I'd go back there tomorrow But for the work I've taken on-- Sweetie.
don't make it worse than it already is.
Look at this place.
It's virtually empty.
Jack really cleaned me out.
I heard an echo this morning in the fur vault.
Yeah.
yeah.
you are a giver.
And I think we've got a yes.
( chuckles ) Yeah! It doesn't work.
What-- what the hell do you know about fashion? You're packed in there tighter than a blood sausage.
Hey.
you washed up on the shore of this country in an inner tube wearing a banana leaf and a couple of coconuts.
Listen.
Iady.
I flew here on business class with my AAdvantage miles.
Now take it off so I can clean it and burn it.
The only thing that's gonna burn is your arm when I put my cigarette out on it.
Try to remember that the next time you open up your boca! It's the scarf.
isn't it? - It's a cleaner look without it.
- Okay.
What about the shoes? Oh come on.
you didn't even have to ask.
Oh.
Miss Karen.
you love those shoes like your own husband.
Bite your tongue.
Husbands come and go but the Chanel slingback is forever.
- Oh! - Santa Maria! My slingbacks! They were one of a kind.
What have you done with them? What have you done with my shoes? Nobody like to see you squirm more than I do.
but I would eat the food you provide for me before I would touch those pumps.
Who could have done such a horrible thing? Who would be stupid enough to take those pumps? Now sound it out-- mysterious.
What.
what are you doing? Nothing.
I was just giving Megan here some notes on her performance.
- I'm gonna be the narrator.
- ( Grace chuckles ) - But.
Grace.
you're the narrator.
- I know that.
You know.
I just think that we all should have an understudy.
- You know.
with the flu going around-- - She's going to Joni Mitchell.
I am.
What? You-- Come here.
You drag me into this and now you're going to Joni Mitchell? I got the tickets.
if anyone should be going to Joni Mitchell.
it's me.
How could you be so selfish? Hey.
Will.
come on.
the carrot already knows my part anyway.
Okay.
Grace.
you wanna go? Go! Oh no.
you're not gonna lay a guilt trip on me.
- I'm staying.
- Good.
stay.
Will.
I'm not staying.
it's Joni Mitchell! I can't believe you're doing this half an hour before the show! - Come on.
it's not like I planned this.
- There's a taxi here for Grace Adler.
Okay.
that is downright spooky.
I should probably go check on that.
Yeah.
run along.
Go take your big yellow taxi.
I thought she'd never leave.
Lord.
would you look at these people.
Why anybody would choose to be homeless is beyond me.
Karen.
nobody chooses to be homeless.
It's because they did something bad.
I can't bear to think of my babies in a disease-ridden hellhole like this.
Karen.
this is a church.
Don't lecture me.
Saint Mary.
this is your fault.
- Just go find my shoes.
- All right.
all right.
Jeez! Excuse me.
you must get this all the time.
are you Mary Todd Lincoln? No.
and you must get this all the time-- could you take one giant step back? Okay.
( gasping ) ( both gasp ) I'm so sorry.
I have to ask you-- are you the gentleman who yells obscenities outside Papaya King? Yeah.
that's me.
Oh.
I knew it was you.
You're very good.
As an actor myself.
I just have to ask you.
how do you tap into all that rage? Try not eating for a week.
Ooh.
I wish I had that kind of willpower.
What do you want? What are you after? What are your terms? - 10.
Seven.
- One.
Three.
- Yellow.
- Wha-- uh.
blue.
- Five.
- Five? - Five.
- All right.
five it is.
- 100.
200.
3-- - Oh.
I can't wait.
five whole dollars! Right.
Yeah.
five whole dollars.
You drive a hard bargain.
Okay.
I don't know how that got in there but there you go.
honey.
Wow.
five dollars! This is my lucky day.
Uh.
crazy! Make it your lucky year.
Come on.
Thanks.
Karen.
I saw what you did just there.
You saw nothing.
Karen has a heart.
Karen has a heart.
Oh.
all right! I don't even know why I did it.
Maybe it's like it says in the Bible-- "I felt bad because I had no shoes.
but-- then I met someone who had really bad shoes.
" "Once upon a time.
there was a village where people didn't know the value of giving" Megan.
Megan! "And one day.
a muster-- - a meester"-- - Mysterious.
"And one day.
a mysterious - stra-- stran--" - Stranger.
Grace: "And one day, a mysterious stranger came to the village and taught the town folk a valuable lesson and that was the story of Stone Soup.
" - When do we bow? - Now.
- You guys were great.
- Flawless! And the broccoli.
carrot.
radish-- fantastic.
Onion.
you brought a tear to my eye.
All right.
everybody go say hi to your parents.
You were great.
- Good job.
- Here we go.
So.
what happened? Well.
you know.
I was just sitting there trying to enjoy the concert but all I kept thinking about were the kids and their bright little faces.
I was asked to leave the concert for singing too loud by Joni.
At least.
Melissa Manchester had the courtesy to call security.
Anyway.
it was-- it was like I had it coming.
You know? Anyway.
I'm so glad I got back here.
you know.
even though all the kids still hate me.
- What? - I don't hate you.
Grace.
I like you.
I think you're pretty.
Out of the mouths of radishes.
- You do? - Yes.
That is so sweet.
See.
this makes it all worth it.
Yes and when I grow up.
I want to have fake hair just like yours.
Now that's what makes it all worth it.
( theme music playing )