Will and Grace s04e01 Episode Script

The Third Wheel Gets the Grace

.
I'm back Hi God I missed you Ok, get in So how was the trip? How was the guy? What can I say? It was hot, it was intense it was nice, it was comfortable it was boring, it was irritating it was over.
I couldn't stand him I'm sorry to hear that I was hoping you would fall in love - Oh, I did - Tell me Grace, I found the perfect pair of jeans I'm serious.
They're perfect They conceal from the world everything which is flawed and evil and show only that which is true and plump I've spent my entire life looking for a bra that'll do that How 'bout you? How's Nathan? Mmm In a word Bootylicious Oh, it's so good and the sex-- - He likes it, doesn't he? - He does - Even though you're a girl - I know.
Crazy, isn't it? And he does this thing-- Guys, bootylicious is in the room Àª & ±×·¹À̽º The Third Wheel Gets the Grace ³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 Ŭ·´ Will & Grace ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ - Morning, sweetness - Hey, precious Sorry, I thought you were Grace Well, hold that thought Well Hold that robe closed So, you don't happen to know where she is? Oh, breakfast with her boyfriend Will Right now, they're probably doing that real cutesy thing where they nibble on a piece of bacon until they meet in the middle "I missed you.
I love you I missed you, too.
" Anyway, I think that's where they're at Oh, I get it.
I'm supposed to be threatened by her friendship with Will Well, I think it's great I've tried to have women friends but they always end up pregnant I jest Well, you're a bigger man than I Of course, I jest, too Well It's good but it's not as good the-- - That place off the Rue de la-- - Yeah, I know Something about the way they-- Yeah, and is the guy still there? Oh, the guy that-- Spoke like this? That was good I am telling you, Nate they're joined at the unhip Morning, sweetie Your thoughtful girlfriend brought you a turkey and cheese croissant I'm a vegetarian Which is why your thoughtful girlfriend ate it Oh, oh, yeah, ok, no What you two do behind closed doors is your business, ok but flaunting that lifestyle like you're doing right now is just plain ge-ross We're not gonna hide who we are, ok? I mean, we date we're straight, get used to it Well? What do you think? Nice Do they sell men's clothes where you got those? You don't know anything These are fantastic French jeans And by the way, what happened to "welcome home, Will?" Hmm Welcome home, Will How 'bout the fact that since you last saw me I have fathered a 12-year-old boy Yeah While you were out of the country discovering the gay jean I was here raising my son Would it have killed you to acknowledge that the boy exists or were you too busy high-kicking it with Nicky Kidman at the Moulin Rouge? What are you talking about? I sent Elliot French comic books video games you can't get in the U.
S.
at least six pounds of chocolate Those were for him? Yes And a t-shirt that said "Paris" on it You mean this? How inappropriate to buy a 12-year-old boy a belly shirt It would have fit him Well, don't you have the answer for everything, Mr.
French Welcome back Later on, let's catch a sad movie with a gay undercurrent - I love those jeans - Thank you I wore them to my bat-mitzvah after party(bat-mitzvah:À¯ÅÂÀÎ ¼Ò³àµéÀÌ These are men's jeans Willard, relax It's a very smart-looking pant It'll save you having to tell people you're gay Hey, anyway, we better get going We're gonna be late for yoga - Ooh - What? Um, I'm sorry Uh, I sort of promised Will that we were gonna do mannies and peddies this morning You want to come? Hm.
What's the use? I sit for an hour, and then the second I take my keys out of my purse my tips are shot to hell You two have fun and I'll see you at dinner - Ooh - What? Um Well, I was just thinking that since it's Will's first night back that we should go to the Chinese restaurant that he loves - The place with the-- - No, they closed down - I'm talking about the-- - I love that place Ok, so, we're still on for this weekend, right? Ooh What? ? Um, this--this weekend is the big sale at Barney's Um, Will and I have done it every year since college I mean, the-- the whole reason Will came back from Europe early is to go to the Barney's sale Grace, you say it that way you make me sound so queer How did you want me to say it? The Barney's sale Grace Adler Designs Oh, hi, Stanley No, I'm not doing anything Sure, ok You want to start now? Ok.
Yeah, I'm naked Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm Oh, already? Well, good for you! Ok.
Great.
Ok, sweetie Well, call me later.
Ok - Miss Karen - Oh! Oh You scared the hell out of me I thought you were the Chupacabra(chupacabra : µ¿¹°À» »ìÀ°ÇÏ¿© Àâ¾Æ¸Ô´Â ¹ÌÈ®ÀÎ »ý¹°Ã¼) What are you doing here, anyway? Don't you remember what today is? Yeah.
It's national Scrub Your Toilet day and I think you should get home and start celebrating! What do mean coming here with a--! Oh, are those for me? Oh, honey They're almost beautiful "Thank you for 15 years Happy anniversary.
" Oh, Rosie I can't believe I forgot our anniversary I'm so sorry Let me make it up to you Come on They're having a big sale at Barney's this weekend Here, take my charge card go down to the men's department and buy yourself some new shoes By myself? It's our anniversary For 15 years I kept a home for you I've dragged your gin-soaked ass out of bed I've given you the breath of life three times Oh All right all right You don't have to go getting all sentimental on me I'll go with you And now, ladies and gentlemen I'd like to introduce my next guest Celebrating his last day of summer vacation soon to be seen in the seventh grade Ladies and gentlemen please help me welcome my son Elliot! How you folks doing tonight? I love playing the main room Can we please stop doing this? Hey, Rose hips I want you to meet someone This is my biological son, Elliot Elliot, this is my ex-wife, Rosario - Hello, little man - Hola Ok, time to go, kiddo I told your mom you'd be back by 2:00 You ok to get home? You need anything? You need any money? No, I'm fine How 'bout you? You need any money? Oh, Elliot He's crazy Actually, I might want to get a hot dog later on There you go - Ok, um No, I just need one - Take two just in case You're a good son Come on, mijo I'll take you to a bus stop You can ride on the back of my moped Karen, I'm not gonna lie to you I'm worried My hair's never looked better but am I a good dad? I mean, I want so badly for him to like me, but I can't tell if he does Well, honey you know if you want people to like you you have to buy them things Karen, that is so superficial - Honey, why do you like me? - What do you think I should get him? Well, school's starting soon How 'bout a nice flask or a pencil box with a false bottom? No Something he needs Like back-to-school clothes I wonder what the kids are wearing these days Probably not leg warmers and jazz pants, like when I was a kid Well, hey, I've got an idea I'm going to the Barney's sale with Rosario this weekend Why don't you just come along? Well I'll need a little money from the ATM Denied Denied Approved - Hey, where's my best girl? - Here I am! I meant Grace I'm supposed to take her to lunch Your girlfriend's gone She went to lunch with her husband That is ridiculous I mean, I wake up the other night and there's a third person in bed with us Can you imagine that? Ok, wrong question I mean, I'm her boyfriend and she keeps canceling on me How would you like it if the person you were seeing kept blowing you off? Again, wrong question Nathan, why are you so upset? Well, I'm sick of feeling like the third wheel I-I'm tired of this arrangement What--what arrangement? You two Your whole little thing with the "why" and the "huh" and the "no" but the "yeah" but the "I.
" It's enough already Ok, look, I-- I think I-- I think I know what you're talking about Nathan, I am so, so sorry Look, we're doing it again It's just like the time that-- I know, and if you recall, after Danny - you promised-- - Well, not so much as a promise-- Stop it! I know Will's your friend but I'm your boyfriend And I want a special restaurant with you Fine I want a secret language with you / Fine And I want to go to that Barney's sale with you Ooh What? Have you seen Grace around marked-down cashmere? It's like the-- the first 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan Oh, I like 'em, honey They really make your apron pop Happy anniversary Hey, you, underachiever, wrap 'em up Wait, wait, wait They're nice But I think I should go with the Bass Weejuns You know, preppy's back (preppy look : °í±Þ ¿ÊÀ» ¼ÒÅ»ÇÏ°í ÆíÇÏ°Ô ÀÔ´Â ÆмÇ) For God's sake, make a choice I've got drinks piling up on my desk and a stack of pills I have even opened yet! Grace, it's noon We've been here since eight A.
M When do we get to take a break? Sweetie, I told you this is a marathon not a sprint Are you staying hydrated? Here, eat a banana Excuse me.
Hi Did you get those jeans here? Oh, actually, I got 'em in France Really? They're great I would love to get a pair - Well, they're men's jeans - Heh heh.
Well, if you say so You and I, we have to stay focused You know how sharks are eating machines? We are shopping machines That means all we do is shop and poop, shop and poop, got it? So, what are we gonna do now? God, I hope it's shop Now, feel free to pick out whatever you need for school supplies Moisturizers, hair gels body glitter-- All your seventh grade essentials Uh, maybe I should just get some pants Great.
Who do you like? Gucci, Pucci, Fiorucci Stanley Tucci, hootchie cootchie? Nothing's too good for my boy - Uh, I kind of like baggy shorts - Ahh What else do you like? Do they have any hockey jerseys? / Ahh Lord, I knew I was brough t into this boy's life for a reason P.
S.
-- Give me a sign if you think I should get some highlights - I'll give you $100 for them - 120 These are men's pants! They were made for men You gotta have a Y-chromosome and an appetite for war to even put 'em on Ok, does this make me look fat? / A little What? What? Did you really just say that? Don't you want to look a little fatter? Try again Uh Well you're very skinny, Grace Well, Nathan, what are you saying? Am I fat or am I skinny? Um, I I'm afraid to go on - 150! - 155! Oh, all right Look come here Come over to the mirror.
All of you You see? Everything about them indicates "men's jeans.
" The way they ride low on the hip the thoughtful flare athe shoe the handmade copper ingots and look, there's a little secret compartment in here for your thumb or a a tube of lipstick Do I hear 160? No, no.
they're a little Sex and the City Maybe I should look at the boots What are you talk-- They're fine They almost make your calves and your ankles look like two separate entities Maybe I should get a coat instead Or a blouse - You want to get lunch and come back? - Oh, for God's sake, just pick something I have been standing around here all day with these low-end discount-shopping freaks Oh, not you, honey You're perfection But I'd rethink the yellow It's making you look a little "hepi b.
" Now, listen to me I'm not standing around here for one more minute while you-- Oh, lady, put a cork in that whine I'm trying to make a decision What is going on with you? You've never had a hard time spending my money before - You want the truth? - Not if it's long What if I said I didn't want any of these things? I'd say you were crazy What if I said I've just been stalling so I could spend more time with you? I'd say you were a lesbian What if I said that's all I wanted for our anniversary? I'd say you were a crazy lesbian Well, it's the truth That's all I wanted Wh-- You-- You wanted to be with me because you like me? OK.
This is getting a little bit too real Here, buy anything you want I gotta get out of here I can't breathe Karen? Can't talk-- feeling something - Elliot, what do you think? - I don't know, Jack Well, I do It's the perfect outfit for the first day at school So get out here and let me see what it looks like / Ok Haley Joel Osment you look fantastic! Do you really think so? Well, yeah, the kids at your school would kill for this look That's what I'm afraid of-- I will be killed What's the matter? Don't you like it? I look like Ricky Martin So you do like it Oh, that's a bad thing I'm sorry Well, that's all right If you don't like it we can get something else Go change / Ok I just think wearing leather pants to P.
E.
would be a mistake Then, why did you say you liked it when I picked it out for you? Well, you seemed so excited about them and.
What? I just wanted you to like me Well, you don't have to get these clothes for me to like you, Elliot I do like you We're--we're good - We are? - Yeah You know, besides, I'm your father I may need a kidney one day I guess this is where I give you a little hit on the shoulder Remind me to teach you how to hit like a girl Come on, let's go get some clothes somewhere else Where do you want to go? - Uh, there's a Target near my house - Great, let's go there Yeah, it's right next to the place where my mom gets her highlights Ok, is this a powerful madam executive having cocktails at the Mercer Hotel or is it a P.
T.
A.
mom trying to cover up an affair with the superintendent? Oh, the other one? - What other one? - You know, the whore at the hotel - What?! - I--I don't--I--I'm-- - Ok, how 'bout this one? - Uh, oh, that's the nice P.
T.
A.
one No.
if anything this is the whore in the hotel I mean, I've actually seen whores in hotels wearing this And if that's the case why do I want this? Why do I want this? Well I-- I don't know what to do Would you please help me? Tell me what to do.
Help me help me, help me, help me! I miss Will! What?! I want Will back This is-- This is bad for us There's no way that we're gonna have sex together after I've helped you pick out dresses for five hours Go.
Find your friend Finish each other's sentences I love you, Gracie, but I gotta go find a sports bar Oh, hey, I'm not intruding I'm not intruding-- Where's Nathan? Gone.
He cracked under the pressure Poor guy Making him choose designer clothing when the only labels he owns say "Nathan" in red marker Will, what do you think of this dress? It's fine, Mrs.
Fleischman if you're gonna continue that affair with the superintendent of the school district I am so glad that you're here Oh, I hope it's a Curly Oh, Shemp Well, it's still good You know what I thought I could wear with this? Yeah, and I wouldn't Why not? wouldn't it make me look like-- Yeah, but in Planet of the Apes not in Room With a View I'm telling you I love that Moe Love you, too, Nate He's watching Three Stooges / Oh Ok.
Nathan, I want-- I want to go to bed / Oh.
Ok Nathan.
Hi.
Look at me Hi.
I want to go to bed Oh, oh, oh.
It's my turn Ok.
good night, Will I'll try to get her back to you in time for "Where in the World is Matt Lauer.
" Thanks, buddy