Will and Grace s04e23 Episode Script

Hocus Focus

Ok, huge news! Gather round! Where's everybody? Are you the only one here? Where's Will? Not here? Ok, that's fine.
You'll do.
Come on Hey, I was just watching a special "The Ten Greatest Bathrooms in the World.
" They were just about to do number two That sounded bad Go ahead Ok.
As you know, this weekend my new show opens at the Duplex and this year I'm giving my fans something I know they're dying for Their money back? Wait.
I don't-- Was it-- I-- Was that a joke? 'Cause--that's fine Ok Ok This year my show will feature Wait for it Here it comes Are you sittin'? It's on its way Are you sittin'? - Just say it! - Magic Jack, I did not know that you know magic But of course When I was a kid I used to lock myself in my room with handcuffs WaitThat's not my magic story Anyway, I can do it and the reason I'm here is because I need a lovely assistant - I'm flattered - So I was thinking of asking Karen and that's why I'm here I need your opinion Is she a good assistant? How do I put this? She's as good an assistant as you are an entertainer You're the best, Grace I'm thanking you in the program under the pseudonym "Citizens of New York.
" Jack, where were you? You were supposed to go to the HRC dinner with me I know.
I wanted to but I just didn't have a cute little tank top and shorts to wear Uh, let me explain this again It's HRC the Human Rights Campaign not HRC the Health and Racket Club It's a gay and lesbian advocacy group Ok, uh, I'm gonna tell you guys again, ok? I didn't have a cute little tank top and shorts to wear Ok.
Hey, G Tell W about the magic Get him up to speed Thank you Do I care about any of that? Absolutely not How was the dinner? Amazing It's, uh everything my life is lacking Ooh! Guess what I got at the silent auction?! I won a photo session with Fannie Lieber - No! Oh, my God! - I know! I love her! She is so edgy She's genius She once took a picture of Martha Stewart when she wasn't selling anything She looked so vulnerable I just--I just wanted to hug her, but but you couldn't 'cause she's Martha Stewart, you know Well, anyway here's the cool part The picture is gonna appear in her next coffee table book All family portraits and I'm thinkin' since my parents are splitting up and I haven't been able to sit on a couch with my brothers since the invention of the noogie that You and me - What? - Hell.
Tch You're my family Ooh, Will that's so sweet You win this huge thing at an auction and you think of me? - Do I have to kick in? - No/ Oh! Àª & ±×·¹À̽º ÀÚ¸·Á¦ÀÛ-³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Will & Grace ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ I--I won the family portrait at the HRC auction last week I beat out two lesbians with a Chihuahua Oh, grea Yeah People who've never been in front of a camera before.
Joy Um, excuse me Excuse me I've been professionally photographed Wait, uh, are you talking about that picture your dermatologist took of that freaky skin rash? Will Yes, I am - Don't embarrass me! - Ow! Sorry! Ok, look Just so you know this is a drug free environment, all right? Fannie's about to get her 90-day chip and we're all doin' our best to support her Me, I got 10 years under my belt and nothin' to show for it but a clean carpet and an empty bed Well, uh, we're pretty much drug free I mean, I've got a Claritin and he's got a Propecia That's for the rash comment Do me a favor, babe Get me a Red Bull and one of those candy necklaces You guys won the, uh gay auction, huh? Good for you I love fags I married three of 'em Wow Lucky We--we are huge-- huge fans of your work I mean, I've gotta tell you that picture of Bette Midler in the tub of baked beans It brought two of my favorite things together Hold on I got to, uh reload What is the deal with her? I thought she'd be so dynamic Instead, she's like sad clerk at Blockbuster "I'm sorry We're outta Shrek.
" Grace, I--I'm a model so let me explain this to you Photographers are observers they're-- they're low-key They tend to fade into the background I am in the mood for F-ing life! What-- What happened to her? I don't know, but we need to get a curtain like that for our house - Do you believe in magic? - I do! In a young girl's heart? Music can free her whenever it starts Magic Yeah! And it's starting right now Good, 'cause I don't think I can wait any longer for some of that old Jack Daniels! Jack magic Honey, you say "potato," I say, "vodka.
" Now for my first trick I will turn everyone in the audience gay Ala-kazam, ala-kum-hot ala-kum-dum Poofter! You're all gay! Didn't need any magic for that one.
Ok Now for my next trick I will ask my lovely assistant to step inside the magic box Uh-oh, I might be a little rusty I haven't done that since my junior year at Sarah Lawrence Here she goes Hocus Uh Um, line? - Pocus! - Pocus! Oh! It's a little jack-- rabbit Ok Hocus Are you ready? No.
Oh! / Karen? Yeah? Are you ready? Oh! Ok, ok, yeah Pocus! Ta-tas! Whoo! Thank you Thank you Now for my next trick I'll need a volunteer which would be a nice change of pace seeing as they usually charge me.
Ok! Honey, honey! I just had an idea for a trick! Oh, heh An unscripted moment Almost as pleasant to behold as Liza's new bride Uh, ok.
Ok Watch as I double the number of people in the audience Ta-da! Whoo! Come on, strap one on me! I'm ready to shoot Wait, wait, wait Before--before we start I mean, is what I'm wearing ok? Ok, the shirt's off Oh, hey.
Ok, Will she's takin' my pants off Oh, you're Jewish - How could you tell that? - Cheap underwear It's ok.
I love the Jews I married three of 'em Ok, let's go! You are so hot Oh, boy, you know I bet boys and girls like you Ok, let's go! - Uh, what about me? - What about you? - Boom, boom, boom! - Oh! Oh! Where's my Bull?! Yeah.
Uh I--I meant more, like I'm not crazy about my forehead Is there any angle you could shoot me from to kinda minimize that? You know, I'm not in the business of minimizing foreheads I'm in the business of maximizing truth You have a big forehead and that's the truth Ok, now ok, this is how we do it here I'm gonna give you some simple directions You do exactly what I say No questions Ok, let's have some music - My bonnie lies over the ocean - my bonnie lies over the sea-- Not you! Crank it come on! Ok, gimme some shoulder Let the arms go.
Let the arms go All right.
Ok.
Shake it.
Shake it Shake it.
Ok.
All right Ok.
Ok, roll the head.
Roll it Roll it.
Ok.
Jaw.
Jaw Lips.
Chest.
Chest.
Chest Chest! Chest! - You're not givin' it to me! - I don't have it to give! Ok, now, push your heads together Push your heads together Lock knees.
Lock knees I'm gonna get a little lower A little lower.
A little lower A little lower - Uh, Fannie? - Ms.
Lieber? Is she ok? We should check - Aah! - That's it We're done Wake me when David Geffen's dalmation gets here Ok.
What the hell were you doin' goin' off book tonight? What are you talking about? Honey, we killed! I'm talkin' about that cruise ship comedy you did with your drink My show is planned down to the smallest detail From the arch in my eye to the limp in my wrist and you pulled some cheap comedy bit we've seen 1,000 times? God! Oh, honey, who cares? I was a big hit, and you know-- Oh, I had another idea for our next show You don't get to have ideas This show is called "That Old Jack Magic," not "That Old Assistant's Magic.
" Oh! Old?! Well, how do you know that? There are parts of me that were just a twinkle in a scientist's eye three weeks ago Besides, I was just trying to help You wanna help? Then remember your place You're the assistant And let's not forget where that word comes from-- Latin, meaning "ass of an ant.
" So keep your ideas to yourself and assist It shouldn't be that hard It's what you do.
Get it? I'm gonna be so mad when my mood elevators wear off Guess what I got? A cold sore? me too No.
I got An photograph from Fannie Lieber Oh.
I was-- I was just-- I was totally just makin' Fannie Lieber! Oh, my God! Yay! / Yeah That was so sweet of you to wait for me! Well, you would have waited for me - Sure.
Ok - Aah! Oh, my god, I love it! Look at me! I'm gorgeous! The hair, the cheekbones, the lips It's all workin' for me - And you look good - I look awful! Why am I so mad? I look like an angry foreigner "Could you tell me, please where is Times Square?!" I--I don't want this in any book What? No! I mean what are you gonna do? You can't go back to Fannie Lieber and tell her that you want a re-shoot Since when are you afraid to tell people what you think? You walked right up to Kevin Spacey and told him he owed you I think it went something like this "Hey, Spacey! Pay it forward!" Ok, fine We'll go I just don't understand why I should be punished for being so photogenic Now for my next trick I'm gonna ask my lovely assistant to get inside the box - Get in the box - No! Get in the box! All right! Blah, blah, blah Sarah Lawrence Cheap lesbian joke I'm in the box Magic HocusFocus Ta-da! Thank you Thank you It's a jack rabbit Ok, a jack rabbit Hocus Pocus! Hocus pocus! Karen, come through the false back in the box! Hocus pocus! Karen? You stink Oh, look who's here Oh, my god I had such fun with you guys Oh, God.
The attitude you get from people who matter And you you were so boom, boom, boom! So tell me How'd you like the picture? I loved it/ You loved it I loved it/ You loved it I loved it/ Did you love it? I didn't love it - You didn't love it - Didn't love it You just lost a dry hump, buddy It's just, you know we were thinking because we're gonna be in the book maybe we can get a better picture You know, one where I where I look like a happy American You know, like "Times Square? Why, yes, it's this way.
" Whoa.
You know, I have been doing this for a long time I mean, I have shot rock stars politicians, movie stars, my own vagina and this is the first time anyone has ever ever asked me for a re-shoot Yeah, but the difference is, you know it's not a big deal to those people or--or to your vagina but, you know, to us this is--this is a once-in a-lifetime opportunity Please? All right.
Damn it! Why am I such a sucker for a gay guy who begs? The story of my life, sister Hey, you.
Heh What's up, doc? You know I never really noticed before how bloodshot your eyes are Karen?! No.
No, that's crazy You're a rabbit Right? Well, just in case I'm so sorry You have to understand that fame like Toby new lover is a rude, ugly, gay guy I let it go to my head I should have been-- I should have been grateful to have any of your ideas This is nice Is this mink? Wait a minute.
This is weird This is totally weird I mean, you're you're a rabbit You're not Karen Are you? Oh, you goof, turn around Oh, my god, Karen, I'm so sorry about all those things I said.
I-- Hey, honey, it's ok It's ok.
I heard everything and anything I missed I'll--I'll get from that cat - Forgiven? - And forgotten Hey, look at that An upper Honey, that's really good How'd you do that? Do what? That's just in your ear Hey, now that's a photograph Look at that handsome fella I don't think I've ever looked better and--and you look good We're goin' back aren't we? Come on, darling.
Look at me like I'm a bucket of chicken I wanna see that mixture of desire and fear Fannie Uh hi! / Hello! Oh, balls You two? Anyway, about-- About our picture Look at me I look all-- all puffy and mannish I'm like Puff the magic drag queen I love mine Heh Ready for my dry hump We need a re-shoot, and you might as well say yes now before I-- I make my gay guy beg for it Ok, Cindy Go get some dinner There's water and cigarettes in the back - Yes! Ok, here we go - All right.
Ass.
Teeth.
Ass.
Teeth.
Stop There's not gonna be any picture What? What do you mean? When he looked grotesque you redid his! Wh-wh-wh-wh-whoa "Grotesque?" You said I didn't look that bad Sweetie, we have no time to pretend Don't you guys have anything better to do than obsess about looking perfect in some photo? I mean, don't you have lives? Yes, we have lives I just got TiVo And I am this close to learning how to use it Well, how about getting something real to focus on like a dog or a plant or an addiction? I mean, something Look, I know Grace and having some plant is not gonna make her care any less about looking like H.
R.
Puffy-Face And a dog is not gonna make him care any less about looking repulsive - Why do you have to dig? - I'm not digging - You just called me repulsive - I didn't call you "grotesque.
" Oh, please! You're just splitting hairs now.
Repulsive-- Just do something Have a baby I don't know I don't care Just get out of my life Hey, that's a good idea Let's have a baby Sure.
That would make one hell of a family portrait Hey, Grace wanna have a baby right now? Yeah! I think I'm ready! Let's do it! That's the one