Will and Grace s06e01 Episode Script

Dames at Sea

Get out of my bed! You get out of my bed! That's your bed! This is my bed! If this was your bed, it would already be made.
If this was your bed, it would be shaped like a race car, and you'd be clutching your woowie.
Now scram, I'm naked over here! Wait a minute I'm naked too! Guys! You would not believe what I just found in Leo's bag a love letter from that bitch, Dr.
Morty.
When I think of how I almost didn't read it because I was respecting his privacy, it makes me so glad I'm never honest! Come on, I need to talk it out.
Uh, ah, we'll-- We'll join you in a sex-- Suck--! Sex--! Two minutes! Yeah, and then you can tell us all the nudes-- Dudes--! Man-on-man action! Hello hurry up.
I'm freakin' out here.
Oh, my God! You two Have a little CD player? No fair! I hate this boat.
Well, this is just great.
When we get to St.
Barts, I am buying myself an E-P-T.
And so help me, if that stick is blue.
.
I am not going through this alone.
Not again.
Let's just figure this out, okay? Now what What did we do last night? We--we--we-- we drank a lot, we danced, we peed off the side of the boat.
But at some point, I came down here to crash.
That much I remember.
And--and I remember waking up and realizing we were in bed naked with each other.
Rightbecause that happened 30 seconds ago! Look, if something happened, you would've remembered, because it's so rare for you.
Right.
And if something had happened, you would've left and my wallet would be missing.
So nothing happened.
nothing happened.
Nothing happened.
It's funny I tell ya I guess we should get dressed.
Wait a minute, my wallet is missing.
Will & Grace episode 06x01 "Dames At Sea" synchro:Marksbeb Do you believe her? I mean, who does that? Who sends a love letter to a married man? I mean, it's one thing if it's your roommate's dad that looks like Mark Spitz and drives a Datsun 280ZX, and you're pretty sure he winked when he said he had an office in the city.
As random example.
"Leo, we're going to be spending a lot of time together.
" Blah, blah, blah, blah.
"Something I could never say to you.
I want you.
" Wow.
"You can have me wherever, whenever.
" That's hot.
Yeah.
Do you believe her? I just wish I knew some voodoo so I could cast a spell on her and turn her into a ferret.
Yeah, that's pretty much your only option.
Okay, then we've got to go down to Guatemala and stop her before she does something.
Grace, you are way over-reacting to this.
He's right.
Besides, you should've seen this coming, Grace.
What's that supposed to mean? Well, it's karma, dear.
Yeah.
It's what you get for marrying above your station.
See, by marrying Leo, who-- if I may compare both of you to cuts of meat-- is a Grade "A" slab of prime rib, while you-- you're just a plain-looking girl.
You have spat in God's eye and now must be punish-ed.
Ooh, stress wrinkle, right there in the-- Grace! Please, let me just beat him until he bleeds! Calm down, Grace! What are you going to do? You gonna fly to Guatemala, track him down, make some big scene like some crazy Guatemalan scene maker? -you're--you're-- you're keyed up over nothing.
It's just a letter.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's just a letter.
He's not gonna respond to that.
I, myself, have written him several letters all unspeakably filthy.
And I didn't get nothing but a wink and a smile.
-So he's not gonna? -No.
-And she's not gonna? -No.
-And they're not gonna? -No.
Thanks, Will, it's so good to talk it out.
Wait, what's that? It sounds like another boat.
Hold on, Rosie, we're almost there! Oh, my God, what happened to you guys? Lorraine tried to kill me! She threw me overboard.
Rosie jumped in after.
And then this Russian freighter came by, pulled us out.
We spent the night.
It was horrible.
This morning, we swiped their jet ski.
That's Russian for jet ski.
Aw, Karen, that's awful.
Could you point out the coordinates on this map? You know, out there in that icy water I stared death in the face.
And let me tell you, it wasn't pretty.
Ah! There it is again! Yuk yuk yuk.
I saved your miserable life out there.
Honey, I'm sorry.
You're right.
If you hadn't turned your support hose into a life vest and used your bra as a sail I might not still be here.
That's right.
So don't forget your promise.
Promise? I don't remember any promise.
You're not weaseling out of this, sister.
You promised me one Friday off a month.
Talk to the boob! Karen, the woman saved your lifeinexplicably.
She's asking for so little stupidly.
Oh, all right.
But I don't want the rest of the staff finding out about this.
So you tell them you're getting monthly hormone treatments to turn into a man.
Or a woman, whichever is more believable.
this whole thing has just been so exhausting I buried my husband, almost died, learned to dance the ksiazka.
Would you kids mind if we just headed back to New York? Of course not.
Guys, do you mind missing St.
Barts? I can't speak for Jack, but, you know, I don't mind kissing him-- Kissing it-- Missing it! Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting home to dry hump-- dry land-- hump Will! Wait a minute.
If Lorraine threw you overboard, doesn't that mean she's still here? My God, you're right.
That Brit's still on this boat.
Come on, let's put a little Colgate on a toothbrush and see if we can scare her out of her cabin.
What's that? It's Lorraine! She's taking your jet ski! Speak English.
It's Lorraine! She's taking your jet ski! Will, you're my lawyer, do something.
You!! I'm really more of a litigator.
Guess what? Leo's coming home! Why? What happened? His passport and all his papers were in the bag he left on the boat.
He spent four days in a tiny holding room at the Guatemala City airport with two missionaries and two people in the missionary position.
Dr.
Morty never got a chance to make her moves on.
Thank God.
I was a little worried.
You said I had nothing to worry about.
Leo's coming home! Yay! Okay, now what do I do with the letter? Throw it out.
I could.
But then he'll never know the truth about her.
So show it to him.
But then he'll know I snooped.
No, he's got to find this on his own.
And I've got to be there when he reads it so I can act all shocked about it.
Ooh, I know what I'll do.
I'll do this.
No, too big.
Maybe Maybe just one.
Grace, do you work? Or do you just spend the day practicing your reactions? Thought so.
- Oh, I was just putting out the garbage and I got so much to do so - Oh, you know, things are crazy right now with the holidays What was that weirdness just now? What weirdness? Didn't notice.
Must've happened after I left.
Give it up.
Okay.
Look.
Is this from the Betty Rubble collection? Will.
Remember when--on the boat when you came into the room, and--and--and Jack and I were in bed Right.
Without any clothes on after a night of drinking - Oh, my God!! - And we're gay don't freak out.
Nothing happened I think.
What do you mean, you think? - I don't remember.
- Oh! Oh, right! It's not funny.
You and Jack finding love.
Becoming lovers.
Were there kisses? - Were there butterfly kisses? - Oh, stop it.
This isn't funny.
Jack-- I-- I think Jack may have feelings for me.
Of course he does.
He's always had a thing for you.
And now you tossed him a bone.
Or he tossed you a bone.
I wasn't there, I don't know what happened.
But I do think you're gonna have to let him down easy.
How do you do that? You know, how do ya-- How do ya tell someone that you have kind of a history with that you're just not interested in them romantically? I guess I could start with a plate of soft cheeses Oh, my God! You and Will? God, why don't you tell the whole restaurant? Don't make a big deal about it.
Nothing even happened I think.
You think? Honey, either you know or you don't.
Unless you're lucky enough to be married to a man like my late husband who always let me sleep through it.
Hey there, big guy in the sky.
Here's a little somethin' for ya.
I can't believe I was in bed with Will.
When I woke up and saw that olive skin and that furry body, I thought, "Please, God, let it be a giant furry olive.
" But you know the worst part, Karen? you're both men? No.
I think Will has feelings for me.
Well, of course he has feelings for you, honey.
I mean, look at his love life.
The only man he's had in the last 16 years is Grace.
You're right.
That poor, unlucky, pear-shaped bastard.
What should I do, Kare, what should I do? Well, honey, you gotta end it.
I mean, if you let it go -- Wait, are refills free? - Not on cappuccinos.
I could put coffee in it.
- Thanks.
-Great - If you let it go on any longer, he'll just get more and more obsessed.
I mean, next thing you know, he's moving in next door, and-- - He already has! - You're right, Kare.
I gotta end it.
And I gotta end it now.
- No, no, honey.
Not now.
-Why? -Coffee.
what's the emergency? It's Friday-- my day off, remember? I'm on my way to a taping of "Whoopi.
" I know, Rosie, but I really do need you.
I've decided to start collecting those wooden nesting dolls.
Go around town and see what you can pick up.
Yeah, I like the way they start out big and then get little teeny-tiny.
Go.
Forget it.
I saved your miserable gin-soaked life.
Maybe you didn't hear me.
I said I like the way they get little teeny-tiny.
Go.
Oh, hey, Rosie.
Table for one? I'm not staying.
But I will have a biscotti.
I hear those tapings can go on for hours.
Oh, my god, she's choking! Well, well, well.
The hunter has become the Mexican.
aren, save her.
This restaurant cannot weather another tragedy! Oh, I'll save her Just as long as she goes back to working every Friday.
I-N-S! There.
We're even.
I'll start looking for those dolls.
You--you know, I'm going to have to charge you for that biscotti.
Sweetie, you're home.
Come on.
Unpack your bag.
Make sure your passport's there, along with your other stuff-- underwear, letters, whatever.
Later, later.
I--I had a bumpy landing.
It kinda, you know, got me in the mood.
Oh.
Oh, oh, okay.
- Well, you know what gets me in the mood? - What's that? Knowing that my man has proper international travel documentation.
Okay, okay, I'll--I'll--I'll-- I'll look.
- What's this? - Hmm, looks like a letter.
- It's a letter.
- That's what I thought too.
- It's from Dr.
Morty.
- Dr.
Morty? Why is, uh, why is she writing me? Hello.
Oh, man.
Man--whew, man.
Yeah, it's my itinerary.
It is not! Is it?! I don't know! Grace, you, uh, you--you obviously read it.
And thank God! She wants you, Leo.
But I don't-- I don't want her.
Please.
You're two hot people down in the sunny tropics with nothing else to do but have sex.
I know.
I've been to Daytona twice.
Grace, Doctors Without Borders is there to prevent an entire population from being annihilated by infectious diseases.
Yeah, for, like, 20 minutes a day.
Then it's "doctors without bottoms.
" Sweetie, she's nothing to me.
And by the way, in-in-in the future, if you're gonna go through my things, just try to be a little bit more thorough.
- These are all pictures of me.
- Yeah.
My eyes are closed in all of them.
That's because you're asleep I-I-I took them before I left, because I can't sleep unless you're asleep next to me.
That is so sweet.
And so creepy.
- So are you okay? - Yeah.
I'm fine.
You know, all I could think about since I left was one of your home cooked meals.
So let's go upstairs and have sex.
- Then we'll spend all day tomorrow in bed.
- Oh, oh, baby, baby, I can't.
I have an early flight.
- You're leaving? No, you just got here.
- I know, but they're expecting me back.
Look, I-- I'm gonna go jump in the shower.
You put on the panties I got you for Passover, and I'll meet you in the bedroom.
Hi.
I need to talk to you just for a second.
Good, 'cause I-I-I need to talk to you too.
- So-- - Yeah.
I, um, I discovered a new cheese over the weekend.
Cowgirl Creamery.
You want to try some? I would.
- This Cowgirl Creamery is a very good cheese.
- Thank you.
That's a nice top.
Thanks.
Just got it.
- I'm not interested in you.
- I'm not interested in you.
- No, I'm not interested in you.
- No, I'm not interested in you.
- No, I'm not interested in you! - No, I'm not interested in you! What are you doing?! I'm letting you down easy! Nuh-uh! If anyone's letting anyone down easy, I'm letting down you.
And yet you're wooing me with soft cheeses and compliments to the top.
Jack, come on.
This clearly meant more to you than it did to me because, well, look at me.
I am, and I'm looking at a forehead with teeth.
ack, you have feelings for me.
How else do you explain constantly offering to spot me at the gym? - That's what you do at the gym.
- In the sauna? Look, if anyone has feelings for anyone, it's you for me.
Signing us up for a tango class.
Signing us up for a cooking class.
Everyone knows you express your love through the dance and the bake.
- Let's just forget about who has more of a thing for whom.
- You for me.
- I said forget it! Whatever happened on that boat wouldn't have happened unless there was something lurking in our relationship for a long time.
Something we--we need to start dealing with honestly.
So is that what we're doing now? We're just being honest? I think we have to if there's any hope of getting past this.
Well, if we're being honest, I guess I'd be lying if I said I never And I'd by lying if I said I never Wilma, take off your homo hat and put on your lawyer hat.
That damn Rosario saved my life again! You know how I'm in a gang, right? Well, I flashed my colors in the wrong neighborhood and suddenly I'm surrounded.
I'm about to take a cap to TYE dome when Rosie screeches up in the limo, pulls me in and guns it.
Now she wants her day off and a pizza party with the maids.
So, get me out of it.
Oh, by the way, every room in the boat is under video surveillance.
I took a look at the tape and nothing happened between you guys, just the occasional gas and some soft weeping.
Whew, there's a lot of caffeine in a Red Bull! See ya! - So Nothing happened.
- Nothing happened.
- Nothing happened.
- Nothing happened! R-O-L-A-I-D-S.
Us.
I know, you're gross.
And you're a pasty-faced, middle-aged woman.
- I'm glad we're back to this.
- Uh, me too.
Hey, want to go see a movie later? Maybe a documentary that raises more questions than it does answers.
Okay, I like that.
- Oh, thank god that weirdness is over.
- Oh, thank god.
Leo, come on.
You're gonna miss your plane.
I can't find my bucky pillow.
- That's so cute.
You named your pillow? - No, it's a bucky pillow.
It's for the plane.
It goes around your neck like this.
Oh, is that what that's for? 'Cause, you know, it also goes around the toilet seat like that.
Want me to get it? Let's just hope that that's the last thing my neck and your ass have to share.
- I'm gonna miss you.
- I'm gonna miss you too.
Oh, I almost forgot.
I wrote you a letter.
- But don't read it.
You have to wait until you go to bed tonight.
- Of course.
No, no, no.
I'm--I'm serious.
This is really important to me.
I want this to be the last thing you see before you fall asleep.
Okay, the first time I agreed, I was lying.
But now that I know it's really important, I'm really gonna do it.
Okay.
Now come here.
Put some of that stank on me.
- Call me the second you get there.
- I will.
- Bye.
- Be safe.
Okay.
Who am I kidding? "Dear Grace, I can't believe I'm saying good-bye to you again.
Last night, I was watching you sleep.
And, well, it just made me realize it's so much better than sleeping next to a picture.
If you're reading this, you're probably in your nightgown ready to crawl into bed or it's been 30 seconds and you're in the same outfit because you can't follow a simple instruction.
Either way, I'm not leaving.
I'm giving up Doctors Without Borders.
I'm on the other side of the door.
" What? I'm on the other side of the door.
Oh, my God.
Are you sure? I don't want you to do this for me.
I'm--i'm doing it for us.
Why did you do the whole letter thing? Why didn't you just tell me in person? Well, 'cause-- 'cause you tend to, uh, to hit when you get excited.
No, I don't.
I can't believe you're staying! So what are you sayin', counselor? There's nothin' I can do? I'm sorry.
You and Rosario have a verbal agreement, and you have to live up to it.
But I just saved her life.
Holding a toaster over the bathtub and not dropping it is not saving her life.
Oh, all right.
She can have her damn day off and her pizza party.
But no sleepovers.
And no correspondence with her family!