Will and Grace s06e07 Episode Script

Nice in White Satin

Well that was delicious.
And now for the clean-up, enter the crumber.
Someone got a new toy.
I was wondering why we had Saltines and corn muffins for dinner.
Well, I wore out the old one.
This one's Italian.
The American ones are sturdier, but I was feeling sporty.
Italian? Good luck gettin' parts for that.
- Hello? - Hi, it's me.
- Hey, Gracie! Jack, it's Grace calling from Cambodia.
- I'm not here.
Hey, how are you? What's going on? Are you calling from the middle of the jungle? Pretty near the jungle.
Ooh, no.
No, no, no.
Nine piece.
This one.
Hey, and don't skimp on the biscuits.
Last time you only gave me one.
I-- What's-- I can barely hear you.
Oh, I'm at the clinic.
It's crazy.
You would not believe the work that we're doing here.
No, original recipe.
- Original what? - Oh, that's just what we call O-negative blood here.
I help with transfusions.
Well, I miss you so much.
But I'm so proud of the work you're doing.
Have you met Angelina Jolie yet? Oh, please.
She doesn't have the stomach to go where I go.
Oh, I gotta go.
My order's ready.
Your-- Hello? Our little Gracie.
Saving the world.
- Yeah.
Where was she this time? Burger King? - Sounded more like KFC.
Hi, cuties.
Sorry I'm late.
I have to leave early.
In fact, I just left.
So if you see me come in, tell me I went home.
Karen, did you go to your physical today? Yeah, I did, uh-huh.
Don't lie to me.
You are on the board of Walker, Inc.
You have to prove you're in good health, or at least the black market organs that make you up are in good health.
I went to the doctor.
Here, my x-ray.
Happy? This is the x-ray of a cat.
She said the same thing to me when I caught her with a bird in her mouth.
I'm scared of the doctor.
That's why I always skip the middleman and go straight to pharmacist.
Karen, you have to go.
Life is hard sometimes.
You can't just crumb your way through it.
So tomorrow, Jack and I are going to take you to the doctor, and that's final.
Come on, Kare.
Waiting rooms can be lots of fun.
I'd like to introduce you to a fascinating new magazine I've discovered.
- What is it, Jackie? - It is Highlights.
And it is filled with challenging games and puzzles.
I sent a riddle to them once.
Never heard back.
Excuse me, do you know how long we have to wait? I'm with Karen Walker.
There's no way of telling, sir.
Karen Walker! Is there a Karen Walker here? You know how much longer now? All right, Alice, take care.
See you tomorrow.
Excuse me, doctor.
Maybe you could help me.
It hurts when I do this.
I'm sorry, I'm not a doctor.
Just a student nurse.
Did you say student nurse? Would you excuse me just for a minute? Think, Jack, think.
No outlandish claims or crazy invented personas.
Just be yourself.
What a coincidence.
I'm a student nurse too.
Nothin' to be afraid of.
Just take a deep breath and hallucinate pleasant thoughts.
- You're doin' fine, Karen.
- Yeah.
- Nothin' to be afraid of.
Just take a deep breath and hallucinate pleasant thoughts.
Oh, my word.
Honey, look.
This is the strangest looking condom I've ever seen.
Why, what an oddly-shaped penis the doctor must have.
That's a latex glove.
It goes on his hand.
His hand? You bet it does.
I'm not ready to be a mother.
Hey, how's it going? I'm Dr.
Uh, before I begin the exam, could you give me a minute? 'Cause I just had to give some bad news to somebody next door.
- Oh, of course, of course.
- Okay.
Oh, God.
Of course, if you'd be more comfortable doing it in the room next door, that's okay too.
Damn you, God! Why? Damn you! Any hoozlebees.
Walker, how you feelin' today? Well, scared, but a little better knowing that someone in the next room has just gotten awful news.
Well, listen, Mrs.
Walker, this is a routine physical.
You got nothing to worry about.
You are in good hands.
And, dude, I know it's fun, but you are not allowed to watch.
Oh, no, Mrs.
Walker asked that I be here.
I'm her attorney, which makes me a lawyer.
Which is just as good as a doctor, no matter what my parents say.
That's cool.
Hey, whose warm lemonade? It's not mi-ine.
It must be ur-ine.
Get it? It's a cup of piss.
Doctor, since I have you here, true or false? Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner fudge is made.
Yes, that would be true.
Should I be nervous that I don't see any diplomas on the wall? You guys, relax, I know what I'm doing.
New York Magazine named me one of the top doctors in Manhattan.
And guess who they didn't name.
My lame-ass partner Dr.
Joel Frankel.
Hey, Frankel! Guess who's in here with a patient.
Me, because I'm awesome, and you suck! No, really, where are the diplomas? Well, you know, I don't like to put them up because then it's like, "Hey, look at me.
I'm the shiz!" Oh, Harvard.
I went to Columbia, which is just as good, no matter what my parents say.
Well, let's get this party started, shall we? Okay.
"Are you currently taking medication? See attached.
" This is the catalogue from Merck Pharmaceuticals.
Yeah, and a map of Mexico.
- Okay, I think I've seen enough.
Why don't you sit it right here? - Okay.
- And are you ready for the Dr.
Isaac Hershberg experience? - I am.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm okay now.
Got it out of my system.
I'm fine.
- Okay, you're sure? - Yeah.
- Okay.
I got an idea.
I got an idea that I'm already regretting.
Uh, Karen-- Doctor, why don't you examine me first? You watch, and then you'll see there's nothing to be afraid of.
Okay, whatever floats your goat.
Eyes, good.
Ears, yes.
Oh, brambly.
Not good.
Nurse, can you get me the nasal flashlight and also the tiny thingy.
Unbutton your shirt, please.
See, Karen, I remain calm.
Just allow the doctor to do whatever he needs to d-- Here you go, doctor.
Your instruments have been lubed and sterilized.
And so have I.
Hey, um, Nurse Sheila.
You-- You were once my nurse at the sperm clinic.
Hmm, I'm not so good with faces.
Drop your pants.
I'll see if it rings a bell.
Thanks for bringing these over so fast.
- I can do it slower next time.
- No, I like it fast.
- I'll bet you do.
- I like a guy with a little meat on his bones.
- More cushion for the pushin'? - Hey, you said it.
So, uh is Dr.
Frankel free? You should go.
If she weren't my sister, I'd be tapping that ass big time.
Your professionalism has won me over.
I will consent to a physical examination.
- Fantastic.
You mind if I get stoned first? - No.
Hello, my large-breasted friend.
Hello, Karen.
What happened to you? When we left the waiting room, you were busy with your Highlights magazine, still trying to find the toaster in the tree.
Doh! The tree! It's the one place I didn't look.
And yet it was circled by the five-year-old before you.
Where did you go? Well, while I was waiting, I met student nurse Clark.
We started talking.
Then there was some flirting.
Little over the smock fondling.
And then you can probably guess what happened next.
- A lawsuit? - Under-the-smock fondling? Yes, and nursing.
I enrolled in nursing school.
And you know the best part? - You need money? - I need money! Tuition for the first semester is $2,700, so I'm gonna need a check by the end of the day.
So how 'bout you give me the money, and in return, I make one of my trademark adorable expressions.
Oh, Jackie, I love that expression.
Hey, you know what other expression I love? When I say no, and you start to cry.
- What? - I love it, I love it! - Will, are you hearing this? - I am, and I'm not giving you any money either.
How dare you?! Nursing is my passion! All my life I've searched for my true calling.
And this is it.
Nursing! And if you can't support me, you are dead to me! [CALMLY] No, not dead, because a nurse takes an oath to prevent death.
You have cramps that won't go away.
And you have a smattering of adult acne.
Good-bye! We're gonna give him the money, aren't we? Oh, honey, we have to.
It's what we do.
We're Will and Grace.
Now, come on.
Sit next to me on the couch, and we'll dry hump.
I got the results of my physical back, and I'm a-scared to open 'em.
Will you look for me? What, you're afraid they're gonna find some blood in your alcohol? Dear Lord, if I'm okay, I promise I will dedicate the rest of my life to serving you.
It says here you're fine.
Ha-ha, fall for it again, God.
Yup, you punked the Almighty.
They just want you to start taking some calcium.
- How come? - Well, you know, when you reach a certain a-- A woman of your-- You know, when you're in your f-- Rich people need calcium.
I don't like it.
Well, tough.
You have to take it.
Karen! Come on! Just pretend it's one of your Mexican tic tacs.
What are you, some kind of calcium pusher? Trying to get me hooked on calcium so you and your calcium-crazed friends can make me dance like a calcium monkey? Fine, I'll just take my stash back to the schoolyard and prey on kids with bad posture.
- Hello, you gorgeous gay man.
Hello, Will.
I got big news.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Us first.
Honey, we called the nursing school.
And we paid your tuition for the entire semester.
And we got you your uniform and a pack of blank prescription pads.
Well, half of a pack.
We felt bad that we were so negative about your interest in nursing.
It was a knee-jerk reaction, because almost everything you've ever taken an interest in is, you know, stupid.
Aw, well, thank you.
That's so nice.
But I'm through with nursing.
Okay? And my new calling, surfing.
- And I'm gonna need a check for $1,600, okay? - What are you talking about?! We just spent $27 million on your nursing career! Oh.
Then why am I yelling? Because we spent the afternoon looking for white Rockports and smocks with tumbling kitties on them.
You get nothing.
How dare you! Surfing is my passion! All my life I've searched for my true calling.
And this is it! Surfing! And if you can't support me, then you are dead to me.
No, not dead, because surfers believe in reincarnation.
Karen, you are a junior sales associate at Walgreen's in Manasquan, New Jersey.
Will, you're her wife.
Good-bye! So how are we going to work this? How are we going to get the money back? I was thinking maybe we'd work a little "good cop, bad cop.
" More like good cop, drunk cop.
More like good cop, bad breath.
We're wondering if there's a way to get a refund on this semester's tuition for our friend, Jack McFarland.
Jack is dropping out? Well, don't feel bad.
He was here almost a week.
That's three days longer than he lasted at acrylic nail school.
And five days longer than at jeweled acrylic nail school.
Oh, I can't believe it.
You know, I have worked here longer than I care to say.
I mean, if I'm here one more year, I'm gonna take out everybody in here and myself.
But, you know, Jack is amazing.
He's the most promising nursing student we've had since Pilar Palabunda.
Honey, did you hear that? He's better than Pilar.
Let's remind ourselves that we don't know Pilar.
So Jack is good? Well, you know, I know he was only here a few days, but he had such an enormous impact.
I mean, we all loved him.
Student nurse Derek, have you heard that student nurse Jack is dropping out? No.
They were lab partners.
Derek really hitched his wagon to Jack's star.
Somebody walked in and saw them.
But, you know, we let it slide because of his talent and his aptitude exams were the highest in his class.
Ah, look, beach blanket butt crack.
Well, if it isn't the dream killers.
Kill any dreams today? Honey, listen, we think you should go back to nursing school.
Oh, really? Well, that just proves that you don't get me.
My surfer friends get me.
They say, "Hey, Jack, we get you.
" Jackie, listen to me.
They loved you.
They put you right up there with Pilar Palabunda.
That's the name you remember? You don't remember my name, or your own! But Pilar Palabunda rolls right off your tongue? Honey, that's only because that's the name I used to beat up businessmen for cash in Chinatown.
- So anyway-- - Jack, Jack.
This is a great opportunity.
This is not like one of your pretend jobs: Actor, choreographer, pirate.
They think you might actually be good at this.
Don't you think I know that? Don't you think I know I'm good? Look, say I have found my "calling.
" Say I do become a "nurse," okay? Then what? I make a steady income.
I pay my bills? I become a reliable, upstanding member of society? All of a sudden I'm not me anymore.
I'm my worst nightmare.
I'mI'm you! Jack, sweetheart.
Please don't worry.
On your best day, you could never be me.
And I'm willing to bet that no matter what dizzying heights you reach in the go-go world of student nursing, you'll always be yourself.
I know it's scary.
Hey, when I started working in the corporate world of Grace Adler Designs, I was terrified.
Would she like me? Would I be good at my job? And now look at me, honey.
I'm one of the richest women in the world.
Yes, there's no connection.
But if you pause in the right places and emphasize the right words, it sounds very inspiring.
Oh, Kare, if only I could be sure.
- Oh, Karen, it's time for your calcium.
- I don't wanna.
- Oh, just take the damn pill.
- Leave me alone! Oh, for God sake, give it to me.
Come here.
- Good girl, good girl.
- Jack, do you see this? You're a natural.
- Well, all I did was give her calcium to make her bones stronger.
- More importantly, you just said "bone" without giggling.
Oh, my God.
I'm growing up.
I said bone without giggling.
Oh, thanks for helping me, Wilma.
You know, my bones feel stronger than ever.
I smacked a servant today, and instead of just flinching, she fell right to the floor.
Wait till you bite someone.
You're really in for a treat.
Come on, Jack! You ready or what? - Hubba-hubba! - Baby! - Oh, yeah! I think I'm gonna like student nursin'.
And finally, a legitimate reason to wear white hose.