Will and Grace s06e09 Episode Script

Strangers with Candice

Thank you for making me go out tonight.
It was either this, or try to finish Joy Luck Club.
That damn book's been staring at me from the bed-side table for ten and a half years.
Well, you need to get out.
I know Leo's gone, but that doesn't mean you have to stop living, or stop-- Can I just do something? Brushing your hair.
Oh, that subway was disgusting! It smelled like urine.
Karen, we took your limo.
Oh.
I gotta stop drinking those Big Gulps.
Hey, thanks for taking me out to celebrate my first month in nursing school.
Well, poodle, it's a big deal.
A gay man breaking into the ranks of nursing.
It's like a butch girl playing softball.
You just don't see it every day.
Okay, Chris, my new guy, should be here any minute.
I want you guys to check him out.
I really like him, but I'm afraid he might be a little bit flaky.
Why is flaky such a bad quality in a date, but such a good quality in a crust? Because you're a pig.
Hey, out-of-work actor! Walker, party of five.
Walker.
Yes, I have it here.
But I only see four of you.
And I only see two of you.
What's your point? My point is I can't seat you until your entire party is here.
Uh, here, Karen, let me.
I got this.
This is a five dollar bill.
Yeah.
I'll just take two or three back.
Ma'am, I cannot seat your party until all five of you have arrived.
Chris will be here any minute.
Let's just check our coats.
Good morning, vest! Uh, mine's the tan Camry with the scratch on the side.
What? This is totally now.
It's very Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World.
It like it.
It's a choice.
Yes, but did you have to choose to be a lesbian comedienne, circa 1986? Ladies, am I right? It's okay, I can take it.
The fashion forward have always been ostracized.
I'm sure when Gandhi first put on the diaper, there were some sideways glances.
Who got the last laugh? That's right, Gandhi.
Ha ha! It's funny when it walks, too.
Can I get an apple martini, please? - Hi.
- Hi.
Aren't you--? Sorry.
- Aren't I what? - Oh, nothing, it's just that I was watching this movie last night.
And I thought you were the guy from it.
- You're not, are you? - Actually, I'm not an actor.
But I get that a lot.
Oh, come on, what difference does it make if you seat us now or when our fifth person gets here? Because we never have four people sitting at a table for five.
"Never"? Well, what if five guests are sitting at a table, and one gets up to use the restroom? - Then, you'd be left with four.
- Ah-ha! Four people! All right.
I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this.
But I see that I do.
I am a student nurse.
Honey, you're such a big shot.
You're giving me lady wood.
Well, Chris isn't coming.
He said he was too tired to put on shoes, and he was just gonna stay home and watch TV.
Thank God it wasn't something flaky.
All right, this is ridiculous.
We just need one more person.
Excuse me, are you alone? Yes.
But I do have a lot of friends.
If you want to check my cell phone, there's a ton of numbers.
Okay, don't talk, just hold my hand.
My date's here.
We're ready to be seated.
Leo looks good tonight.
So just, um, sit with us for a few minutes until the maitre d' gets off my ass.
Then, you can return to your night.
Heh-heh - My night? Please, I was just sitting at the bar trying to get through Angela's Ashes.
- Oh, my God, I know what you mean.
I just finished Joy Luck Club.
What'd you think of the ending? I'll tell ya later, stood-up.
Um, Karen, we just learned the Heimlich Maneuver in class, and I'm dying to use it.
Could you choke tonight? - Well, honey You know that I like to support your education, let's try.
- Okay.
No, no.
I'm okay.
No.
Not choking.
- No, no, no.
Still alive.
Nothing.
- Jack, Jack, stop it.
Wh-what're you doing? Trying to choke someone with olives? You need fatty pieces of beef, or marbles-- Waiter? Ah, look at poor vesty trying to join in the fun.
Gimme a break.
I got stood up tonight.
Did you, Mae Vest? I hope you didn't in-vest too much in him.
Vest.
Karen, that's genius.
It's not even clever.
You're just saying "vest" over and over again.
Can I get another apple martini please? Hi, handsome.
Sorry, it's the Pinot Grigio talking.
Italian wines are so chatty.
But be careful when they walk past you, they'll pinch your ass.
Ugh, I'm at this awful birthday party for my boss.
She yelled at me for an hour for putting regular milk in her coffee.
And now, she's licking whip cream off a male stripper.
Hello? Are you allergic to dairy or not? - That is quite a dichotomy.
- Ooh, dichotomy.
Hi, smart.
Stephanie.
We're about to cut the cake.
Don't make me wish that bitch a happy birthday alone.
Hey, would it be cool if I came out to talk with you in a little bit? - Sure, why not? - Great, I'll be back in ten minutes.
Make sure you're still cute.
Like people can control that.
That maitre d' is still watching us.
I think he's obsessed with me.
Can you blame him? Oh! Look, there I go saying that thing I'm thinking.
That's okay.
I love it when people compliment me.
Ooh, see, I did it too! - You have the most incredible smile.
- I don't.
- I feel like I've seen it before.
- In Flemish paintings? No.
In a basement of a bar on Amsterdam.
Have you been to Grapes? Uh Yeah, a couple of times.
Every Saturday night of my early 20s.
Uh-huh.
I think we made out.
A-ha-ha-ha-ha! I-I think I'd remember that.
It's not like I made out with every-- Wait, did you have a ponytail? - No.
- Then I probably did make out with you.
Oh, my God, Karen, isn't that Candice Bergen, your arch-enemy-slash-best-friend? Oh, my god.
This is a nightmare-slash-delightful.
Hello, Ms.
Bergen.
Hello, Walter.
I know I booked a table for five, but the other four crapped out on me.
They had to go see Blue Man Group.
Apparently, it's only playing another four more years.
No problem, Ms.
Bergen.
We'll seat you right away.
Oh, she always gets what she wants.
Damn that Candy-ass Bergen! Say, Walter, how's your boyfriend? Did he get that diamond broach I sent him? I remember you telling me he likes pins.
He loved it.
And I loved the diamond tiara you sent me.
Well, I remember you telling me how much you like prancing around like a queen.
- Your table will be ready in a few moments.
- Thank you.
Oh, I hope she didn't see me.
We're in a little bit of a war.
See, I crank called her and pretended to be The Kennedy Center.
Told her she was getting a lifetime achievement award.
And then, I said "psych!" But she got me back.
Really? What'd she do? I'll tell ya.
She waited ten minutes.
And then, she crank called me pretending to be -- Get this -- The Kennedy Center.
Told me I was getting a lifetime achievement award.
Then, when I got excited, she said, "gotcha!" Can you imagine? "Gotcha!" Never saw it coming! Sitcom legends are so smart.
Come on, let's prank her back.
I'll knock her out, and you put her hand in warm water.
Come on.
No, Karen, I can't.
As a student nurse, I have now seen the darker side of practical jokes.
Just last week we had two cases of extreme chafing from victims of surprise wedgies.
- Hey, Walker.
- Hiya, Murphy.
- What's shaking? - Not a thing.
I'm in fantastic shape.
Yeah, I saw you in Sweet Home Miss Congeniality.
Those were two different movies.
Were they? Not from my airplane seat You know, Karen, I hate to hit you up for a donation right now, but I'm working with an organization that restores the decaying facades of New York's oldest monuments.
Wow.
That sounds important.
Well, here you go, honey.
Thanks.
Now buy your decaying facade a turtleneck and a big hat.
Ha! I walked right to her trap! My advice, Karen.
Let it go before someone gets hurt.
Just the other day, we heard this story.
Kid comes in.
Kid's uncle's got his nose.
Put it in his pocket.
Misplaced it.
Never saw the nose again.
Heh, good luck breathin'.
Huh? All right, forget it, Dr.
Queer Medicine Woman.
I'll prank her on my own.
There he is! There's the man.
What's the good word? Ew.
Who are you? What're you doing? You're oddly confident and overly familiar.
You met someone! Who was it? Was it someone in just a pair of sleeves and a collar? Did he complete you? I gave you my number.
And you never called me.
Yeah, you were too into me.
Back then, I was only into guys who were into guys.
- And what about now? - Now? Now, I'm, uh Don't tell me.
You're dating someone? No, no.
No, I'm not exactly dating anybody.
No Great, great.
Um, can I stay for dinner? Yeah, I'd like that.
Hey, Can-Can.
Listen.
Honey, I've been thinking about us.
Look, Karen, that was a one time thing.
I'd never had sake before.
No, honey, I'm just saying all these silly pranks, I think they're getting in the way of our friendship.
What do you say we call a truce? Truce, huh? Okay.
I just don't know if I can get a refund on all those bees.
Oh, good.
'Cause I really hate to fight.
Especially on your birthday.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy 75th birthday dear Karen Walker! Happy 75th birthday to you! Gotcha! Excuse me, it's kind of a special night for us.
We're celebrating our anniversary and how do I put this delicately? How much free crap can we get? I'll see what I can do.
Okay, wait, we're married now? Well, the way I figure it, if you'd ever called me that's where we would have ended up.
Really? And how many years have we been married? - I don't know, uh, four years, five? - Nice, don't even remember.
I'm sorry.
I just don't want to think of a time in my life when I wasn't married to you.
'Scuse me.
Question.
What am I watching? What show is this? What? We're just doing it to get free appetizers.
You've done a lot worse for a lot less.
True.
Carry on.
- Uh, Stephanie.
- Oh, hi, sexy.
Hi, oblivious.
- Oh, my God! I was supposed to join you.
- Yeah, like half an hour ago! I'm sorry, I guess I lost track of time.
Are-- Are you mad at me? Ah, yeah.
Yeah, I am a little mad.
I mean, do you think it's okay to say you're gonna meet someone and then not show up? Is that what you do? Is it your thing? Steph? I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was such a big deal.
Well, then, I guess it wasn't.
You know, you said you like my vest.
You said I look like a movie star.
If that's not a meaningful connection, I don't know what is.
Have a nice life, Stephanie.
Excuse me, I'm student nurse McFarland.
If any men here need breast exams, I'm at table five.
Okay? Men.
Jackie, you gotta help me.
Bergen just hit me with a double-double, and we gotta prank her back.
Come on.
No, Karen, I'm sorry.
I am a student nurse now.
I am not going to be your circus monkey anymore.
Listen, monkey! You'll be my monkey until I tell you you're not my monkey anymore! So go grab your banana peel and throw it on the floor! No! Now, you listen to me, McFarland.
You better watch your back.
I can't.
- Listen, guys, I think I'm gonna take off.
- Oh, Will, you look upset.
Don't forget to leave your credit card.
Will, don't leave.
Let me make it up to you.
Let me buy you a drink.
You think a drink is gonna make up for how you hurt my feelings? - You look cute when you pout.
- I guess I could.
Oh, I'm so embararrassed I just told you that.
Oh, don't be.
I think it's cute that you used to steal change from your nana's purse.
- It's a little wierd it was yesterday.
- Shut up! - Will, you didn't leave.
- No, I decided to stay.
Good.
This is Alex.
I'm Grace.
- This is Stephanie.
- Hi, everybody.
Have you guys eaten yet? - No, we've been so busy talking we haven't even ordered yet.
- Ok, then.
What's good, what's good? Oh, you know, if you get a pasta, I'll get a chicken.
Then we can share.
That sounds good.
If I get a fish and you get a pasta, I'll have half of your pasta.
Ooh, you know who I heard has the best pasta in the city? Babbo.
I've never been there, but I hear it's delish.
And romantic.
We should go.
Should we go together? - That'd be nice.
- Yeah, this weekend.
- It's a date.
- Okay.
Grace.
What're you doing? - What are you doing? - What are you doing? Is this the person you met? - Leave her out of this.
- I'd like to, but she's fingering your hair.
And he's holding your hand.
Are you guys together? - No, of course not, he's gay.
- And she's married.
- You're married? - You're gay? Uh, hello, how many straight guys do you know who wear vests? And how many single girls do you know who wear a-- Who don't wear a wedding ring? - It's being resized.
- Yeah, in your pocket, whore.
I can't believe you.
We're on a date! You thought this was a date? You offered to buy me a drink, then you made me feel guilty and horrible about myself.
That's a date! Married? I can't believe this.
All I wanted was to meet a nice girl Get to know her slowly And let it blossom into a meaningful relationship.
And I just wanted get laid.
Your thing sounds better.
Let's go.
Men.
KAREN: Honey, help! You were right.
Practical jokes are dangerous.
I put a balloon in her soup and now she's choking.
I think Candice Bergen is going to die! I told you this was going to happen! Honey, come on.
Oh, my God! There she is! Jackie, do something! She's the last good thing to happen to the tiffany network.
Uh, step 1: "Identify the victim.
" Oh, my God, it's Candice Bergen, I'm a big fan! - Step 2-- - Hurry, hurry! Loved you in Carnal Knowledge.
Brilliant in Starting Over.
Anything? Gotcha! Oh, that's the best prank we've played since we set up Martha Stewart.
How dare you?! I thought her liver exploded! I was about to give her a tracheotomy.
Honey.
Okay, that's kinda funny.
Confetti, Candice Bergen.
Wow.
Can you believe those two? They totally took advantage of us.
He never once said he was single.
And she never said a word about not having a penis.
This is all your fault, you know.
You're the one that said I should get out and live a little.
Yeah, I meant change your underwear and brush your teeth, not pick up a stranger.
Why did I do that? You're just going through a hard time.
I am.
I miss Leo so much.
It was really nice to get some male attention, you know.
Ew, am I that girl? We're all that girl.
That was fun.
Thanks for keeping me real, Kare.
Nursing can be so stressful sometimes.
It's important to remember what really matters.
A cheap laugh at someone else's expense.
You're welcome, Jackie.
But you got ol' C.
B.
here to thank for that.
If she had anything better to do on a Saturday night, none of this could've happened.
You know, Jack.
There's two things I've learned in my long career in show business.
The first is, don't take yourself too seriously.
And the second is, always wear a double layer of underpants when you're doing a bed scene with Jack Nicholson.
But really, Candi, maybe we should slow down on the pranks.
Hey, I'm willing if you are.
Shake on it? Ha ha ha ha ha! Psych! Super Glue on the silverware.
Classic Walker.
Ha ha ha ha! Congratulations, Walker.
You got me.
Again.
See ya around, slugger.