Will and Grace s07e05 Episode Script

Vince, hurry up! Your boyfriend's in the shower for 20 minutes Of all the cops you could have dated you hook up with "Dirty Mary.
" Grace, he's a gay catholic He may never feel clean Whoo-Ha? Frosting for breakfast? Any chance of slathering this on some cold pizza? I'm just practicing my piping for my birthday cake And breaking in the new pastry bag-- Will, no! You've got to stop buying pastry bags No matter how many of these you buy you cannot frost the pain of your childhood away Grace, I'm not trying to frost the pain of my childhood away I'm trying to frost away the pain of every sad, crappy birthday I ever had I mean, What kind of monsters give a 10-year-old boy a baseball mitt when what he asked for was an autographed 8x10 of Chita Rivera? You have had some lousy birthdays Remember the year we went to James Taylor and that drunk roadie peed on you? Hmm, yeah.
Ironically during "Shower the People.
" You know that I'm actually looking forward to my birthday this year? I mean look at me.
I got a great job good friends, clean boyfriend I think if I ever had a shot at breaking this streak of bad birthdays, this is it Yeah, well, the bar's pretty low If you get a couple of decent presents and don't get peed on it's the best one ever I hope Vince gets me something good His taste is a little suspect Ya know, like when he got me those cufflinks off a suspect I'm not even allowed to wear them outside until the trial's over Look how nice my hair looks.
And now I gotta put a hat on? I swear if this blue didn't make my eyes pop I'd be in sales Finally You're tellin' me! I've been waitin' all morning Àª & ±×·¹À̽º ÀÚ¸·Á¦ÀÛ - ³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Will & Grace ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Á °ÇºÎ ¹èÆ÷ / ¼öÁ¤±ÝÁö ¹èÆ÷½Ã ÀÚ¸· Ãâó¸¦ ²À ¹àÇôÁÖ¼¼¿ä Jackie, where have you been? - You know that I need to arrive last - I know.
I'm sorry Honestly! Oh, God, honey, I'm sorry I'm late Now, come on Will's birthday's Friday, and we have to figure out what present to get him Oh, honey.
This Friday? What's the matter, Karen? Oh, Jackie.
This Friday would have been Stan's birthday too Stan had the same birthday as Will? It's amazing how many fatties are Libras - So you gonna be okay? - Yeah, come on I barely paid attention to Stan's birthday while he was alive I'm certainly not gonna start worrying about it now So what are we gonna get for lady gay? Well, I am Will's best friend, and he is one of my closest casual acquaintances So I'm gonna go all out for him Okay, I'm gonna have you spend $40,000 on a gift and put my name on the card Okay - Hi-ya - Hey! I said "hi-ya" How could that have scared you? Whoa, I'm a New York cop I don't get scared Unless it's dark and I'm in car 82 which they say is haunted So what are you up to? Doin' a little shopping? Shopping for Will? What are you gettin' him? I'm not telling you You'll just poo-poo it Pardon my French You have to tell me, 'cause I have to tell you whether or not it blows Grace, I think I know what my boyfriend likes We've been going out for six months I've known him for, like, 20 years We've had phone calls that lasted six months Well, I'm in a commited relationship with him / So am I - I shave his ears - I shaved his legs - I've the man naked, Grace - I've seen him naked and crying Ya know what? I've slept with him Okay, look, if I didn't turn him gay we wouldn't be having this conversation So I win All right, fine - I'm giving him the key to my apartment - Blows You blows! He'll love it! Look, I'm just to help you out here, okay? I happen to know that Will has really high expectations for this birthday So, whatever you're gonna get him it has to be really good Not some cheap key I'm gonna put it on a nice key chain Oh, that's great.
Everyone loves a $1 thing hanging off of a $10 thing Look, I'm telling you do not give him that key It's a mistake How about that wallet you looked at sniffed, and put back? You been following me? Of course! You know, I remember thinking "That's weird.
That mannequin's eating a french fry.
" Okay, look, this wallet is the perfect gift Ya know what, Grace? I'm sorry you wasted your afternoon stalking me but I'm going with the key And by the way, you might have made him gay but I made him good at it Oh, my God.
This cake is beautiful Where did you buy it? Actually, I made it You did not make those rosettes Will, you have outdone yourself if you really made it I did.
I swear Do we have to do that every year? Hey, guys Oh, Grace, you look fantastic - Did you get a facial? - I did not I don't believe it You are positively glowing and your skin is fresher than our little Hannah's I guess I have good genes God, they're so much work Ah, what do we have here? One Jack, three queens, and an old maid I don't know what game we're playing, but deal me in Well, the clown's here It's officially a party Will, happy birthday, buddy.
Listen About your gift I know, um, Karen and I have given you some doozies in the past but I think this year you're really gonna love it Doozies? Like when you said you were giving me scuba lessons then handed me a bucket of chum and pushed me off Karen's boat? - Jack! You up for some baby pictures? - I always am This is me at six months - You having fun? - Yes, so far so good Can't wait to see what Vince got me Yeah, but you know, that's just a thing I mean isn't the real gift the fact that you have a boyfriend? - What do you know? - Nothing Grace I can't tell you what the present is Then it would ruin it I'll just say that it's cheap and unimaginative - Well, then I don't wanna know - It's the key to his apartment - What? Oh, my God - I know, it blows A key? That is so romantic! - You like it? - I love it! It's a mature step in our relationship I can't wait to trace it in my journal tonight Hey, hey, keep it down in here! We got a noise complaint Vince, you do that every time you enter a room and it's always funny Great, now there's three of 'em Hey, guys, this my partner Ralph Ralph, this is my boyfriend Will and our friends Hi This is my first homosexual party So I'm not sure how to act Mind if I sit down, sir? Oh, happy birthday, fruit So, who we got here? Oh, Mo and Mary Great, I won't have to take a sleeping pill tonight Lord, all these gays in one room Grace, you must be in hag heaven Uh, I'm not gay Ooh, hurray for my side Everybody, this my friend Karen For those of you with guns free to take the safeties off Karen, where have you been? I've been waiting for you Oh, honey, I'm so glad you're here Because this day has been so rough My heart is beating a mile a minute-- Feel - I don't feel anything - Shh, wait There it is There it is again Oh, my God, Karen It's racing! What's wrong? Honey, today is Stan's birthday and I just wish I could be with him today I miss him so much I need to calm down-- Oh, thank God, I think it stopped Everybody, I think I'm ready to open my gifts now Ooh, ooh, ooh, start with ours Start with ours Will, prepare to be amazed Karen, where is it? Honey, I didn't get him anything I was feeling sad about Stan! This is humiliating! And now everybody's staring at me! Think, McFarland, think You're a hot-shot network executive who was recently reprimanded for thinking out loud I've got it! Will? Yes, Jack - Um, I've put a lot of thought behind this - Yes, I heard it And I've decided, in honor of your birthday, my gift to you is my eternal friendship Thank you Does anyone have anything for me that I can actually open? Oh, crap We gotta go.
91st and Amsterdam Looks like a 187 That's a homicide, I think Yeah, it's a homicide Well, uh, see ya.
Um, I wanna tell everybody here that I loved Moulin Rouge - I should probably get goin' too - Well, wait-- Wait, you didn't give me your gift yet Which I know I'm gonna love Sit down.
Come on and open it now I hate being the first one to these things anyway I'm so excited! It's a wallet I love it.
Thank you Look, it's Gucci The good kind with two Cs Yeah, I know Well, I'd better go Perps ain't gonna chase themselves Unless they're dogs Good one! Bye.
See ya A wallet? I thought you said he was giving me a key What could have happened to change his mind? Will, I've gotta be totally honest with you - I think I know what happened - You do? Ralph talked him out of it Don't be sad.
I mean, maybe he's gonna give you the key at Christmas Like in honor of Joseph and Mary who lost their room key and had to give birth in a barn Yes, that's my favorite Bible story, too When the blessed Virgin checked into the Bethlehem Ramad and left her purse at the pool Well, maybe this is a good thing Well, you said you're happy with the way things are Yeah, and the way things are is that I was supposed to get a key Another lousy birthday I don't know why I get my hopes up Who wants brie? Where did Vince say he was going? Well, he's Italian So my guess would be the Olive Garden I remember because I thought he said "Hamsterdam" which is a country I've always wanted to go to-- Oh Will, I can tell you're very upset So I got you this key This is the key to my apartment Whoa, slow down there, cowboy.
Okay? You're not getting the one to my place Oh, hey, car 74 just got here Those guys are crazy I'm gonna go say hi - Hi-ya - Aah! Jeez, Grace, you freaked me out.
I thought we had another haunted car.
Um, look, Will really hated the wallet.
You have to give him the key.
Did he look inside the wallet? Oh, is the key inside the wallet? No, I put a coupon for a kiss inside the wallet That is so queer Okay, now, look, you've got to give him the key He's not gonna have a birthday until he gets it First admit that I know Will better Oh, this is ridiculous This isn't a competition Isn't it? Look, Will's happiness is the only thing that matters right now and that is dependent on him getting the key Right, which is dependent on me giving it to him Which is dependent on you admitting that I know Will better Your move I'm out You know him better - All right, I'll give him the key - Thanks Oh, one more thing Can you read this out loud please? - "Grace knows Will better.
" - That's very big of you to admit I'm a fool, Jack I never celebrated Stan's birthday while he was alive And now he's gone I guess I just always figured there'd be next year I guess you just don't expect to lose something that big I mean, how could a house boat just not be there anymore? Hey, guys, come on I had to light my own candles pour the champagne and start singing "Happy Birthday" to myself Could someone at least, cut the cake? Of course, Will Not like that! Give me Yes, enjoy your champagne God forbid anyone should make a toast You know, Will's angry muttering has given me an idea I'd like to make a toast Well, thank you On this day, a very, very great man was born Stanley Walker! Jackie, you don't have to do this It's too late.
He's gone Karen, just because somebody's dead doesn't mean you can't celebrate their birthday It's never too late Look at George Washington I never paid attention to him when he was alive but now I get a day off of work Gosh, I guess that's true I mean nobody's ever really forgotten After all, I still roll into the ditch on Stan's side of the bed every night Karen, let's make a vow Every year on this day on we'll do something to celebrate Stanley Walker Okay, from now on this day is about Stanley Walker! And nobody else! I'd like to say something, if I may This is the worst birthday I have ever had I had to throw myself a party I didn't get the key I wanted And now, instead of toasting me everyone is toasting my fat dead client Whoop-dee-freakin'-doo! Where have you been? It's not fair you get to leave this party and I don't I'm so glad Hannah spent two weeks making an ashtray for this jackass Great news.
You're getting your key - You're kidding - I know, isn't it great? It took a lot of convincing but he came around Happy birthday! Yay! Wa--wa--wait.
What do you mean? You had to convince my boyfriend to give me a key? Oh, just for a second, I mean-- Don't worry about it He's totally okay with it Okay with it? No, he's excited He's gonna swing by and drop it off Drop it off? This is supposed to be a representation of our commitment to one another, not a pizza - Hi - Vince, change of plans Wait, I memorized this and I gotta get it out My shift's over Here's the key to my apartment - I'm sorry.
I don't think I can take it - Excuse me? You didn't think enough of me to give it to me in the first place so I don't want it Hey.
Anybody wanna take my chopper to Atlantic City to celebrate Stanley day? I'd love to, but we've only got the sitter until 11 It's your mother She can stay till morning Why are you so afraid of her? Will, happy birthday, friend And believe me when I say this from the bottom of my heart I'm gonna take this wallet.
Heh heh Ooh, a free kiss Hey, what's your problem? - I know you want the key - I did want the key Until Grace told me that she had to talk you into giving it to me She only had to talk me into it because she first talked me out of it Grace talked you out of it? She told me that Ralph talked you out of it - Why would she do that? - I don't know Why the hell does she do anything? She's crazy - See ya tomorrow! - Wait, wait.
Hold the phone Why would you do something like that? - Yeah, you almost ruined everything - What the hell is wrong with you? I am so sorry Please Don't be mad at me I was just trying to help I hate that you're mad at me Don't try fake crying with us Yeah, that only works on straight guys Fine But this isn't my fault If anything, I should be mad at you! Oh, please, the angry flip? Yeah, that's not gonna fly either Okay Look, I'm-- I'm sorry I thought Will didn't want the key Obviously, I was wrong But by then I had already told you and then you didn't give him the key And then he was really sad And all I wanted was for him to be happy And now I'm crying real tears No, you're not Okay, look The thing is, is that I did all of this because all I wanted was for you to have the best birthday ever Well, that's all I wanted And somehow the whole thing went horribly, horribly wrong Will it help if I gave you the key? Yes, it would Aw All 'cause of me I've arranged for a little gift for you Come on The kind of gift only Karen Walker can give We're ready for you When you get caught between the moon and New York City I know it's crazy, but it's true - Arthur, he does as he pleases-- - That's enough, thank you Oh, good, a 20 I'll put it in my "Kill Miss Karen" fund ÀÚ¸·Á¦ÀÛ - ³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Will & Grace ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Á °ÇºÎ¹èÆ÷ / ¼öÁ¤±ÝÁö ¹èÆ÷½Ã ÀÚ¸· Ãâó¸¦ ²À ¹àÇôÁÖ¼¼¿ä