Will and Grace s07e15 Episode Script

Bully Woolley

Yes, mom, the "Italian" and I broke up No, not because he stole from me! Why would you say something like that? Oh.
Well, that wasn't because Miguel was Puerto Rican That was because he was addicted to drugs I-I gotta go I got another call I do too! Guess what this is Grace used your shower again? One of Bernadette Peters' curls She was standing in front of me at Duane Reade Luckily, I was buying a pair of toenail clippers Now I have hair from Bernadette Peters Betty Buckley, and Idina Menzel All I need is Patti LuPone and my Broadway diva wig will be complete! Yeah, I don't know why the red states are so afraid of gays What's wrong with you? Your spirits are sagging lower than your breasteses Just tired of moping around this apartment thinking about my break-up with Vince Well, I know exactly what you need I'm gonna take you out No, Jack.
I don't think I'm up for it Come on.
What good is sitting alone in your room? Come hear the music play Life is a Jack-aret, Old Chum Come see how Jack is gay Really? You and me? Guy's night out? Yeah, someone to be there for you Let me do it Okay, sure Maybe it'd cheer me up You know, I mean, first me and Vince, then Brad and Jen America's in mourning Àª Àª & Àª & ±× Àª & ±×·¹ Àª & ±×·¹ÀÌ Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º ½ÌÅ© Á¦ÀÛ ÇÑ±Û ¹ø¿ª ÃÖÁ¾ Å×½ºÆ® Honey, sorry, I'm late Wait a minute.
No, I'm not Why do I say things I don't mean? It demeans us both Honey, you look so pretty in that dre-- Okay, there I go again I can't stop Karen No more coming in late This restaurant could be huge for us We both need to be at the top of our game Now I want you to open up that pill box and throw out anything yellow, green or orange No orange? Honey, that's my hormone pill There's no telling what could grow back It's our new client Hello? Yes, I'm very excited about the job The whole staff is Uh, Charles, you can go ahead and distribute those memos Uh, Dana, tell your department I'll be postponing the presentation in Conference Room B Don't gimme that look! Sure, I'm coming right over Looking forward to meeting you.
Okay Good Lord, honey You have lost it "Charles" and "Dana"? They haven't worked here in months! Sheesh Karen, I need you to hold down the fort Well, I did it at the Alamo, I can do it here Jesus loves me, this, I know, for the-- Hello, Karen Scott Woolley Yes, oh, you're so wise to remember the name of your sworn enemy Actually, you've got a dry cleaning tag hanging off your shirt Well I never thought I would see you again after I foiled your plan to take over Walker, Inc What the hell are you doing here? Hmm.
I just dropped by to see how my campaign to destroy your life is progressing.
Mm-hmm What? What are you talking about? Now unless you've come here to deliver a baby, get outta here, you big stork! Uh, maybe you've been wondering who's been calling your voice mail and hanging up Voice mail? I don't even know what that is How can you mail a voice? You're even crazier than you are tall and birdlike Yeah, but that's nothing compared to the final phase of my second plan to ruin your life Yeah, well, I hope it's better than your first plan because that one sucked! Other than "Let's beat Bush by running another mopey stiff with a horse face," that was the worst plan I've ever heard! Except this one's gonna work And when it does, I finally get to break out my bottle of 1954 Salon le Menuille The world's most expensive champagne, which I've been saving for the moment when I finally bring you down.
Ciao And, uh, when next you see me, you're gonna be crying bitter tears Do I need a key for the men's room? Are you sure this is a gay club? Middle-aged women keep bumping into me, and this song is, like, 28 years old It's a straight club right now It doesn't turn gay until 9:00 I had a roommate in college who was the same way Yeah, well, we just have to hold out a bit It should be changing in exactly five seconds I find it hard to believe that a club could just instantly turn gay Yeah, we have to leave in exactly two hours unless you want to be tossed around by a bunch of bikers Thanks, Jack This is just what I needed You know, spend a little time with my friend take my mind off of everything I know.
I pee a little bit when I dance too That's not what I said I said it's great spending time with you Oh, well, good 'Cause I'm yours for the night - I'm gonna get us a couple drinks - I'll come with ya No, no, no, no, you have to save our spot on the dance floor This is the premiere spot We're away from the smoke The lighting is perfect And we got a balls-eye-view of the go-go boys Okay, I'll save it No, not like that You gotta save it for both of us You gotta dance wide! Yeah, that's good That's good.
I'll be right back Mr.
Osment is running late If you need anything, I'm Filip Thank you, Philip Yeah, uh, No, it's "Fil-lip" with an "F.
" - What did I say? - "Philip" with a "P-H.
" Ah, he's ready for you Waithere Aah! S-sorry.
Hello Miss Adler? - Oh, you must be Mr.
Osment - Please call me Haley Joel "Haley Joel Osment"? Like the kid Uh, yes Uh, I was named after him My parents were big fans.
Big fans Anyway, let's look at those design plans Oh, oh, I don't have the plans We're really not at that stage yet But your office assured me that you'd be bringing 'em That woman, uh, told me-- Oh, boy, now I'm not gonna remember her name Um, Klaybin, Klaron, Karbin - Karen? - Yeah, oh, yes, Karen - She promised that I'd be bringing plans? - Yes, she absolutely did Oh, I apologize for the misunderstanding Well, it's just ridiculous How're you gonna do the job if you can't even handle your own assistant? I think you should fire her I-I can't fire her It would be like cutting off my arm My drunk, useless arm - Do you want this job? - Of course, I do Then fire Karen Walker Okay, get this That guy that I met last night, Craig, lives in the same building as Patti LuPone's dog walker After that, how could I not sleep with him? Oh, Patti I'm getting closer Sometimes, I imagine her singing while I'm cutting her hair No, Jack, one dream at a time! Stop it How was your night? How was my night? My night was horrible You dumped me! I sweated through my jeans dancing wide Then I had to do four body shots off of Betty Lynn before Squirrel would drive me home on his Harley! All right, you want an apology Come on, let's do it in the mirror, so we can see how cute I look doing it Save it, Jack.
I'm not in the mood The one time I needed you to be there for me-- I don't know why I'm surprised You don't give a crap about anyone but yourself Will! I'm sorry, really Now come on, let's go have lunch at Barney's so we can watch women with giant lips try to eat soup Forget it, Jack.
I'm done I don't know what you're talking about, honey Nobody named Osment called and I never promised nobody nothin', ya hear? Look, he gave me an ultimatum He said I either fire you or I lose the job And he was talking about opening these restaurants all over the country I mean, I could be the designer of Woolley's Revenges everywhere "Woolley's Revenge"? I know, bad name I go straight to "diarrhea.
" Wait a minute, wait a minute Honey, this guy that you're working for describe him to me Oh, I don't know Really tall, long-limbed, attractive Kinda like a big sexy whooping crane? Now that you say it, yeah I knew it.
It's the same guy! Oh, no.
Wait a minute, my guy's name is Scott Woolley, not Osment Okay, forget it Mmm Excuse me These candies are delicious - What do you call them? - Sugar cubes Yummy Oh Will! Thanks for coming I'm not here to see you I'm here to do an interview for the premiere issue of Briefs a magazine for cute gay lawyers Which I just realized does not exist You'd think I'd been tipped off when the message was left by managing editor Pat McGroin At your service, laddie - I don't have time for this - No, no, no, but wait, wait I wanna be here for you Now, come, come, sit I reserved a nice quiet table in the corner for us to talk for as long as you need Yeah, until a cute guy walks by or you notice your reflection in a spoon No.
Now I can be a good friend Now, I would like to hear everything that's going on with you - You would? - I would You must be serious The word "would" was just used three times, and you didn't giggle Okay It's, uh I don't know, it's--it's been hard Wow, still no giggle It just--it's, likeit's-- What Vince and I had just felt so right And you're wondering if you're ever gonna find that again Yeah, I am I mean, it's like, am I even capable of having a relationship? Of course You just haven't found anyone who's good enough for you yet Thanks Oh, you know, I should wash my hands The subway stopped short, and I accidentally put my finger in an old man's ear I'll be right back Okay, and I'll be waiting right here As far as I'm concerned, we're the only two people in the whole world I have a reservation for tea Patti LuPone Miss Adler I can only assume that this means that you've fired Karen Walker I did.
But I'd really rather not talk about it It's just too upsetting Oh, yes.
No, I understand Um, so how did she take it? Um, maybe not well? She was devastated She said that that job was the most important thing to her in the world Go on, go on Keep going, don't mind me I may close my eyes a little bit, go ahead After that, she became violent I had to have her arrested Then when the police where shoving her into the squad car they accidentally ripped her ear off They were gonna try and put it back on, but a dog ran up and ate it Wow, that sounds like, uh, her life is ruined - Does it sound like that to you? - It does But to Karen it only sounds half as bad because she only has one ear I feel just awful Oh.
You know what a sad occasion like this calls for? A glass of 1954 Salon le Menuille The world's most expensive champagne I've waited so long for this moment No champagne will ever taste as sweet It tastes like cat pee! That's because it is Miss LuPone, I just wanna say I saw you in Evita when I was 16 I came out by intermission I hear that a lot Sometimes I think I'm personally responsible for the West Village By the way, you look fabulous Thanks.
My hair's a little long I need to get it cut Sorry This is really, really sweet of you to do, Jack.
Thank you Well, I'm happy to There's nothing more important to me than you Patti-- Fatty-- Will! Are you--are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm perfect So heartbreak and sorrow, go Oh, no, my earring Oh, my God.
Is that Patti LuPone? No, I don't think so.
Heh heh - I really think it is - Really? Oh, what do you know, it is I'm sorry My head was practically in your lap So Do I get the part? Jack.
What are you doing? You've been trying to track down Patti LuPone ever since you came home with that clump of hair from Bea Arthur and finished your Golden Girls wig William Now for the last time, nothing can distract me from you Now, please continue Um, I hate to ask this and I feel really awkward Ohh, it's okay.
I know You want me to sing "Don't Cry For Me, Argentina.
" Well, it's my birthday I would love to But I don't wanna be rude I'll just ask these gentlemen if they don't mind Excuse me Hello? Jack, Patti LuPone is trying to get your attention Would you mind if I sang? Shut up, Patti LuPone! Shut your brassy, magnificent trap! I don't wanna hear you sing I don't wanna cut your hair And I certainly don't wanna hear you singing while I'm cutting your hair! Got it?! Now I'm talking to my best friend so stand back, Buenos Aires! People either love me, or they hate me I don't believe you just did that You spurned a Broadway legend for me Well, I wanted to prove to you that I really care about you, Will - And you did - Really? Yes.
And thank you Now come on We've got a diva to scalp Thank you, Will I just hope she's not a screamer like that prissy Rue McClanahan Excuse me I don't mean to bother you during your man cry But I forgot my portfolio Um, hold me Hold you? No, I'm not going to hold you You tried to destroy my best friend And you wasted my time on some bogus design job Oh, no, sweetie, I was always gonna pay you.
Here's your check Come to mamala I'm--I'm pathetic What if I can never defeat Karen Walker then what's the point of my whole life? Oh, don't talk like that You are smart, good-looking, rich Don't waste all your energy on Karen Just let it go I can't! She's all I think about I imagine what she's doing every moment of every day I look for her in crowds I listen for her voice When I'm pulling a pineapple cake out of the oven I'm thinking, "Is she doing the same thing?" If I didn't know any better I'd say that you had a little crush on her No, I just told you.
I hate her She's evil and monstrous and cold - And sexy? - So hunkin' sexy Oh my God in heaven You may be right I think I-- I do have a little-- a little crush on her See, now you don't have to devote your entire life to ruining her Oh, you're so right.
Thank you Thank you, Grace Gee, you freed me Now I can devote my entire life to making her my girlfriend Don't cry for me, Argentina The truth is I never left you All through my wild days my mad existance I kept my promise Don't keep your distance ÀÚ¸·Á¦ÀÛ - ³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Á °ÇºÎ ¹èÆ÷ / ¼öÁ¤ ±ÝÁö ¹èÆ÷½Ã ÀÚ¸· Ãâó¸¦ ²À ¹àÇô ÁÖ¼¼¿ä