Will and Grace s07e17 Episode Script

The Birds & The Bees

I thought you were taking a nap? Well, I heard you cleaning You know I can't sleep when other people are having fun What's going on? Remember that guy from Valentine's Day, Nick? He's on his way over to pick up the phone that he left at my office Oh, not that cool camera phone with the games we've been using all week? I think you're gonna like him He's really intelligent How do you know? You met him for, like, five minutes - His ring is classical music - Okay, tell you what-- If I don't like him, I'll tap my ear and then my nose If I do like him, I'll tap my foot, twice No, that's ridiculous I'll work the word "volcano" into a sentence Can't stay for lunch I'm just gonna grab some money out of your wallet so I can grab a sandwich and a new sweater later - What's the big rush? - Karen's got a Peeping Tom So she wants me over there right away I assume to adjust the lighting or-- smear Vaseline on the windows to make her look lovelier Never had a Peeping Tom All I've ever had is some guy in college yelling "Pull down the blinds, boy!" Hi Look, I'm sorry I didn't bring you anything but I just figured maybe it's best to keep the bar low Oh, what a coincidence I was gonna stuff my shirt, and then I realized I should probably keep the bra low Like I stuff my bra.
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Anymore - This is my friend, Will - Nice to meet you - Yes - Ooh, that's quite a handshake It's like a volcano Uh, this is Jack Hey, Jack Hi How does he know my name? Did I used to date him? Yes, just for those few months between "never" and "you're-an-idiot" Right, right Well, it's good to see you again and, uh, I'm sorry things didn't work out between us So I guess this is good-bye So you wanna-- It's-- Okay, I'll just-- Okay Here's your phone And I love the classical music ring Actually, that's the theme from "Jeopardy!" Which, I believe, is Beethoven - I'm gonna get back to work - Okay - We're still on for Saturday night? - Definitely Thank you That was some kiss I emptied the dishwasher during it Oh, my God What is wrong with me? - Why do I always do that? - What, act like a giant whore? We haven't even gone on a date and already I'm kissing him like he just got back from Iraq Oh, I always do this I move too fast Sexually, emotionally-- everything Well, if you really like this guy, why don't you try slowing down? Get to know him For once, don't think with your penis You know what? You're right And you're gonna help me You're coming on my date - No, I'm not - You're gonna show up at the restaurant I'll ask you to join us That way it'll stay casual and I'll go home with you instead of him Uh, I also have a date on Saturday night Okay, why do you lie? - I do have a date! - Will, please I really like Nick, and I don't wanna screw this up If I have sex with him, it'll be on your head Fine, I'll go God, that image was so disturbing I have to go wash my hair Àª Àª & Àª & ±× Àª & ±×·¹ Àª & ±×·¹ÀÌ Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º ½ÌÅ© Á¦ÀÛ ÇÑ±Û ¹ø¿ª ½ÌÅ© ÆíÁý ÃÖÁ¾ Å×½ºÆ® La bee dah, bee ba dah Where is my Mint Milano? I don't know, lady Maybe you ate it No! I would remember You know that I allow myself one Mint Milano per day And now, I cannot have another Mint Milano until tomorrow And yes, I'm sure that my doctor would be very happy if I could go a day without a Mint Milano But I say a person's got to enjoy life! I want my Mint Milano! What are those crumbs on your jacket? Mint Milano Maybe I did eat it Whenever I get together with my friends and we talk about who works for the craziest bitch I always win Karen, I am so sorry about your Peeping Tom The thought that someone would degrade you by viewing you simply as a piece of meat disgusts me You hear that? It disgusts me! Agh! I know, Jackie I'm at my wits' end Oh, look at him! He's still out there, that sick bastard! Is this what you want? Huh? Huh?! Is this what you like? Oh, he's relentless! Jackie, help me out of this skirt Jackie, there he is Get him! Hey, ya sick perv bastard! You get off looking at my friend in her apartment up there? Huh? It disgusts me! - No - You hear that? It disgusts me! I-I wasn't spying I'm trying to get a look at that Golden-cheeked Warbler I don't know what he just said to me but I think he wants to hear my butt sing Dendroica chrysoparia Extremely rare to find this bird in the northeast So you have no interest whatsoever in the Boobicus Giganticus of my dear friend here? I was just looking at the beautiful specimen right outside your window The male He's so beautiful He has a black cap, golden cheeks, and a distinctive stripe through the eye - What does the female look like? - Who cares? Oh, my God! Do you know what we have here? The rarest of all gay subspecies: The Hot Gay Nerd! Fascinating I thought that the Hot Gay Nerd could be found only in the halls of academia or the bathrooms of the Pentagon - Honey, you should ask him out - No, no, no Can't just ask out a Hot Gay Nerd The HGN is notoriously skittish They must be approached slowly and from the rear Will a table by the fire be too warm for you? Oh, no, no.
This is great So cold outside, I think I froze off my third nipple I'm kidding I don't have a third nipple I just have-- I just have two nipples I don't even usually say "nipple" Or testicle.
Like, never You'll be happy to see neither of those items are on the menu I can't believe you laughed when I fell on the ice I did not laugh at you falling I laughed at the 30 foot slide down the sidewalk that came after Oh, so you think it's funny to see a grown woman sliding on her ass down Lexington Avenue with a cocktail dress over her head? Not as funny as if it was a nun but still pretty funny And, look, I'm sorry I could not find your other shoe I just appreciate you prying this one out of the sewer grate Hi.
The fire's toasty It is perfect for a winter day in New York Yeah, are you ready to order? 'Cause I'm not really up for chit-chat I just found out I'm pregnant, and I have a lot of phone calls to make A baby? Ooh Wow, you're so young It's-- That's a tough road ahead Do you have baby back ribs? Mmm, the appetizers look great I think I'm gonna order three of 'em - Oh yeah? Instead of an entree? - What? - What are you doing? - Nothing - You just stole that menu - No, no, no, it's just that-- In case things work out with us one day I could give it to you as a memento from our first date Aww, that is so sweet Grace? Is that-- My God, it is you! What-- And hey! Hi, Will Um, Nick, you remember Will Sure, sure, the guy I was jealous of before I knew you were gay - How's it going? - Good - Yeah, things are good - Things are good Um It's so weird, 'cause you know I'm here by myself, right over there Alone Oh, well, we won't keep ya The Golden-cheeked Warbler puffs out his chest and prepares to bid farewell to the setting sun The Hot Gay Nerd is unaware of his natural beauty He hides what appears to be a narrow waist and broad shoulders under ill-fitting khaki And a belt that clearly came with the pants Jackie! You've been out here for so long You must be freezing - Here, I brought ya some soup - Oh Karen, this is gin There's noodles in it Thanks, Kare, but keep it down, all right? The HGN startles very easily Just admiring him from a distance Quit stalling.
You've been observing him long enough - Go ask him out - Okay, okay I just have to approach him delicately and pick up on any subtle cues he may give me Oh, joy! The male warbler is about to start his mating ritual This sublime creature entices his potential mate first by puffing out his chest Then he ruffles his feathers It's his way of flirting Yes, and then, finally he produces a high-pitched warble the beauty of which is unparalleled - What are you doing? - Warbling.
You like? Oh, I'm sorry, I haven't properly introduced myself.
I'm Jack - Aaron - Yes.
So you're a bird watcher I bet you've seen a cockatoo Heh-heh So would you like to have dinner with me sometime? - Oh--oh, uh - Like maybe this Friday? Friday? That's just right after Thursday I-I--gotta sorta-- Oh, Jiminy Cricket! Karen, he flitted away! Well, Jackie, he's gay It's not like you people ever walk away Excuse me, can you bring me another mineral water? I think this one evaporated Oh, I'm sorry, Sir.
Jackets are required in the dining room Yeah.
Do you have an asbestos one I could borrow? 'Cause I'm about to catch on fire Don't worry about it.
This is an Yves Saint Laurent cashmere turtleneck so I think my attire will be appropriate You have six brothers and three sisters? Well, you know, I am Irish Catholic And my parents never had a TV in the bedroom, so Oh! Your poor mother I cannot imagine that No TV in the bedroom? Hi, me again Can I borrow her for a second? Yeah, sure.
Uh, do they have a treadmill over there? What do you want? You're interrupting my date Yeah.
That was the plan! - Grace, I cancelled a date for this - Why do you have to lie? - I'm leaving - No, no, you can't.
I still need you - Okay, then let me join you - No.
I don't need you now It's going well But it's not going so well that I'm in danger of throwing myself at him But it's going well enough that I still want to be alone with him When I'm just at the point where it might be going too well when I really want to throw myself at him which is exactly when I don't want to throw myself at him that's when I'm gonna need you I hate that I completely understood what you just said Can't you just wait a few more minutes? You have the best table in the restaurant Yes, if you enjoy dining on the sun Look at me, Grace! My back is sweating so much my underwear is like a bucket! Please, Will I think I might really like him Okay Here's a dry spot Thank you I'm timing you.
Five minutes Oh, great, my watch slipped off! Lady, there are cookie crumbs all over in here What did I tell you? One a day I didn't, Rosie, I swear I used 'em to catch a bird Well, don't expect me to cook it I'm on my break Uh, okay I don't know what you people do in Costa-Guata-Mexi-Rico But here in America, we don't eat birds Yeah, but you drink a lot of Wild Turkey Karen, I got your message Your curd's from an uptight cow? Honey, your nerd's on his way up right now Oh, my God How did you get him to come up here? - Ta-da! - Oh, my God! - You caught the bird! - Honey, it was easy I just gave him some Mint Milanos-- And some brandy to wash 'em down So what do you think is wrong with your friend over there? You know what? I think I'm gonna ask him to join us You know, before you do I just wanna do this And this What? / And I thought my hot flashes were bad Excuse me, Sir Is everything okay here? Actually, no Would it be possible to move to another table and away from this one which is apparently the portal to Satan's lair? Sir, you're either going to have to put your clothes back on, or leave Okay, fine.
I'll get dressed I'm just about to join my friends over there any-- Way Oh, you gotta be kidding me! Karen! I can't believe you killed it How could you give a bird alcohol? Well, it was a lot harder than you think At first, I tried to pin it down with an ashtray and pry open its beak with a pair of ice tongs, but ultimately, I just dunked it head-first into my glass All right, well Clearly nobody's at fault here There is a Hot Gay Nerd here to see you I've never seen one up close before They're quite spectacular Oh, my God, it's him! What do we do? I have an idea! Vamp! Whore! No, vamp Stall him for a little while I'll be right back Jack! Karen told me that you found the warbler I am so excited! Which, for me, is dangerous 'cause I was born with my heart on the outside of my chest But you know what? You have made me the happiest man alive who was never supposed to live past 17 Aaron, I'm supposed to vamp, but-- One, I don't feel comfortable lying to you and two, I don't have my lipstick or my boa - You have bad news? - Oh, no, it's not what you think - Is it that my bird is dead? - Oh, it's exactly what you thought Oh! God! Why? This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me since I saw Big Bird smoking a cigarette with his head off Honey, great news Your bird isn't dead He's alive And more beautiful than ever - Oh, my God.
Let me see - You won't be disappointed.
Ta-da! What is this? It's your bird Don't you recognize it? It's got 78,000 feathers And $100 in iTunes Karen! Shame on you! The Hot Gay Nerd cannot be bought He is a man of science Good news I gave the little fella a couple of sips of coffee a few slaps across the face, and he came to - He's alive in the kitchen! - Back off, that's not my bird This is my bird You are not the rare Hot Gay Nerd Why you are the very common Hot Gay Opportunist Are you saying you don't want to go out with me? Well, you've just shown some very unattractive qualities But fortunately, you still retain the one that I hold nearest to my heart Hot Come on Let's go spend that bird - How could you leave me like that? - Will, listen-- No.
You listen I was doing you a favor And how was I rewarded? By being ditched, then burning off my eyelashes On the roaring fire next to my table? Ironically, no On the small votive candle in the men's room while I was wringing out my pants in the sink! Look, Will, I know that you're mad but you really, really did help me tonight Oh, please! Don't even try that with m-- How? You made me realize that I shouldn't need someone else to help me control myself After dinner, he dropped me off, asked me for another date we had a kiss of appropriate length, and I came home - You didn't sleep with him? - I did not - Or let him feel you up in the cab? - Only because he said I was pretty I'm only kidding Nothing happened Well.
I'm proud of you And it's all because of you - I'm going to bed - Me too - Good night - Good night Oh, just one more thing Hey It's tough to get a cab out there / Hm - Say good night to Nick, Grace - Good night.
Call me - I had a really good time - She did too Don't worry, she'll put out next time ÀÚ¸· Á¦ÀÛ - ³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Á °ÇºÎ ¹èÆ÷ / ¼öÁ¤ ±ÝÁö ¹èÆ÷½Ã ÀÚ¸· Ãâó¸¦ ²À ¹àÇô ÁÖ¼¼¿ä