Will and Grace s08e11 Episode Script
Bathroom Humor
Tonight, from stage seventeen in studio city california! And five, four, three, two, one we are live! Phil, Marlo welcome to my home Wouldn't be my birthday without you Marlo, look at you Vintage 60's with a plunging neck Oh, and I like your dress, too It's cute - How's your birthday party going? - Oh, I'm having a ball How's selling Chiclets in my bathroom going? I can't complain.
Yoko Ono gave me two dollars for orange Tic-Tacs I think she likes me Oh, honey, she definitely likes you Yeah, I just passed her in the hallway and she asked me if she could buy the big wooden statue of sitting bull that's in my bathroom - Hi! - Karen! You are here When they said you were in the little girls' room I just assumed they meant the room where you keep the maids' children This is the most amazing party I have ever been to! Celebrities everywhere! You know the best thing to do at a party full of famous people? Treat them normally and let them enjoy their evening? No Play ass tag The person who touches the most celebrity ass without them knowing wins I just got Liza Minelli I think I broke her hip again Now, I know you said not to bring anything but I went ahead and made my award-winning Charleston Harbor pickled shrimp You didn't win an award You said look what I made for Karen and I said, "what do you want, a medal?" Great.
Pickled shrimp Happy Rockefeller is gonna be farting all night long Hey, trust me People are gonna love it It's a sophisticated, elegant dish for a sophisticated, elegant evening I gotta piss Are you sitting down? Ah, there you are You are not going to believe who's here Antoine! Remember him? Thank you, dear We had that horrible break up when he cheated on me Literally on me I woke up and he was having sex with another man on top of me They had no idea I was asleep under the covers Since the whole thing played out in a display window at bed, bath & beyond, I was the laughing stock of that weird part of 6th avenue So now we meet again and I am a huge success while he's serving goat cheese tartlets to something called Gore Vidal Anyway, I'm gonna go rub it in his face Literally in his face Happy birthday, too Oh, Karen, I am so happy that you decided to throw yourself a big birthday party this year Yeah, it beats the three of us dragging you down to Chinatown every year for our little dinner I love Chinatown You can buy a bag of zippers this big for a dollar I hand them out to poor kids Aw, the look on their little faces as they zip and unzip their new toy Yeah, well, um, we should get back out there I don't want to miss a minute of the party I'm gonna try and get Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins in a double When are those two gonna get married already? I mean, we get it You're liberal Well, thanks for coming, kids Really I'm just so glad that you're all here What the hell are they doing here?! I specifically told you not to invite them! I'm sorry lady, I sent them invitations by mistake Oh yeah? I think the real mistake was when your father spotted your mother across a crowded swamp dragged her back to his hut and made you I never should have shown you our home movies Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Steams Like Old Times How many of these am I supposed to take again? A yes, eight All right, that's it I am no longer watching the "today" show And not just because Katie Couric has so many highlights it's like looking directly into the sun Matt Lauer has insulted me What happened, honey? Did he make fun of your forehead? Or your beady eyes? Your gay mouth? What was it? I saw him take a bite of one of my Charleston Harbor pickled shrimp make a big, stupid face, and then throw it behind the fireplace stools That's what you were doing on your hands and knees in front of the mantle I thought you met someone and were doing the gay presenting of the butt ritual Karen, that only happens in your disgusting imagination And Tuesday nights at baboon bar No, I was retrieving the shrimp so I could shame Lauer in front of his cronies and then I stood up and ripped my pants Please tell me you have a sewing kit here I didn't know anyone was in here I`m sorry - Hey, Mattie - Hey, Kare.
How you doing? Do you mind if I grab a mint or something? I have this, bleh nasty taste in my mouth - Nasty? - Yeah What you have sir, is a lazy palate And by the way, where in the world are Matt Lauer's manners? - Oh, oh, hi - How are you? Oh, oops You already got me Ah, damn it Wow.
Sounds like you kids are having kind of a bad night Maybe you should go home - Oh, no! - I'm having a great time! Fine.
Well.
I'm going to go open my presents from Stan Every year he hides my big gift in the overhang above his bikini area Check it out I just touched Philip Seymour Hoffman's ass and he grabbed my boob That man just got nominated for a golden globe and then he grabbed one of mine What do you think of that? I think "globe" is a little generous And he got some chicken pesto on your dress oh, no! I kept the tags on it so I could return it tomorrow! Oh, my gosh, I have got to get cold water on this right away Oh, my god, this is the biggest most obvious stain ever Wow, I guess you can actually be too gay Some of yours is leaking out Yeah.
Antoine and I decided to talk So I sit down on this beautiful three-tiered chair when all of the sudden after a few seconds the whole thing gives out You know what it turns out it was? Karen's birthday cake? Oh.
I was going to say antique cake chair but yours makes more sense Anyway, Rosie's coming in with a quick change of clothes while I take a shower Why don't you get undressed out here? And leave myself exposed for Will to jump me? No thanks Oh, wait, did Philip Seymour Hoffman have some of my pickled shrimp on his plate? I ask because it was right next to the chicken pesto, so it only makes sense No, no, no! No one likes your pickled shrimp You know why? Pickled Shrimp Yeah, say whatever you want They're gonna catch on Pretty soon, everywhere you look you're see gonna pickled shrimp Well, well, well I walk in on a naked man a man in his underpants and a woman who needs to leave Beverley this isn't a good time And I'm saying it could be Get out! Oh, settle down, woman Look at y'all I've never witnessed such inappropriate behavior No wonder Karen's never invited you to her birthday party What? This is the first time she's ever thrown herself a party Oh, my Have I been indiscreet? 'Cause I'd hate to be the one to tell you Karen's been having this party for ten years Really hate it Really Ten years Hate it I can't believe it This is impossible All these years and she's been lying to us It's worse than that Karen uses Costco shampoo! This is unbelievable All these years we've been talking Karen out on her birthday because we felt bad she didn't have a party And all along she was having this huge thing behind our backs I know I hate when people have huge things behind my back Usually Rosie, why has Karen had this party for ten years and never invited us until now? You weren't invited to this one either I screwed up and put you on the list It's outrageous! Why wouldn't she want the three of us here? You weren't invited because of one person and one person only Rosie? This is Rosie Come back Get out here I want to introduce you to Diane Sawyer I'm thrilled She's my idol We're thinking of doing a trade and she wants to check your hair for lice At least I have hair, lady One person What does that mean? Well, obviously she's embarrassed by one of us And she can't invite the other two so none of us get to come Well, who's she embarrassed by? Gee, I wonder who Mrs.
Roper Yeah, well I don't get that reference to "Three's Company.
" While you two geniuses figure this out I'm going to go tell Karen that it's okay if I'm the only one she invites next year Because it's obviously not me she's embarrassed by In case anyone was wondering Beverley Leslie comes up exactly to my penis You still sure you're not the one she's embarrassed by? You basically just showed a leprechaun your pot of gold You told John McCain you loved him in "cheaper by the dozen.
" I fooled around with Antoine on top of all the coats If she's embarrassed by anybody, it's me Wait Anyway, it's obviously you, Grace Because, you know, you're a woman That's always a little embarrassing You know what I hear when you talk? "Blah blah blah blah blah.
" You know what I see when you talk? William hurt in a wig You are both embarrassing! If I had a party, I wouldn't invite either of you I wouldn't want to go because everything would be pickled! Do people not know how long it takes to pickle something? I had to buy a barrel for God's sake Those aren't easy to find You'd think they'd sell them at Crate & Barrel But, guess what? They don't They don't sell crates, either Hey, next time, save me the trip and name your store Ottomans & Wicker Crap! You're a pompous bore, Will What did you say to me? I said you are a pompous bore You are so dead! Stop! Stop it! Hey! Stop it! We are behaving like children! You're right This is not a good weapon Grace! You got Visine in my eye! What? Great Now I'm gonna have to climb back onto the roof and load them all back into the hatch Rosie! Get in here and clean this up Okay.
Everybody clear out This Will only take a second Shouldn't somebody help her? Nobody helps her She makes 350 thousand dollars a year What kind of prescription plan are you on, by the way? I think it's the, uh, sneak a truck across the Canadian border plan Man, this is even harder than cleaning up that stinky, slimy pile of shrimp someone dumped in the ficas tree Okay.
All done I'm sorry it took so long I had to change the bag I know.
Isn't she fantastic? Honey, when I free you, you're getting forty-two acres and a mule Nope, a pony No, a cat Nah, I'm keeping the land You'll get a trick cat that can ride a pony and make a fortune Get out Now, what the hell happened here? Karen, why have you never invited us to this party? Oh.
You found out about that Well This is only the second year I've had the party We know it's been ten Oh, you found out about that Well The reason that I did invite you this year-- We know Rosie invited us by mistake Oh, you found out about that Karen, come on Rosie told us you didn't invite us because of one person Who is it? It's Will, right? - It's not me, it's you! - No, It's you! It's you! And-- All right, all right, it's me! It's me, okay The one person is me You know how every year for my birthday you people take me out to some crappy dinner? Well, I guess I was afraid if you found out about this party you wouldn't do that anymore That crappy dinner is the thing I look forward to the most That's my real birthday Oh, Karen that's so sweet I've only ever been 90% sure you were human But, lady, you just bumped it up to 95 And to think that we-- we thought that you were embarrassed by us Now, come on How in the world could I ever be embarrassed by you? Honey, you got a tampon in your hair But if you were worried we'd cancel our dinner why didn't you just say something? Well, I'm a proud woman, Jackie Sometimes it's hard for me to talk about my feelings Plus I'm high most of the time so there's that If you want, we can still do dinner tomorrow night Oh, that'd be nice Happy birthday, Kare Okay.
I can't wait any longer I need to tinkle Are you sitting down? See? And now the cast on Will & Grace As Himself, Matt Lauer Beverley Leslie, Leslie Jordan As Rosario, Shelley Morrison As Jack McFarland, Sean Hayes As Karen Walker , Megan Mullally And As Will and Grace, Ladies and Gentleman Eric McCormack and Debra Messing Ladies and Gentleman, once again a words of applause for the casts of Will & Grace ÀÚ¸· Á¦ÀÛ - ³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Á °ÇºÎ ¹èÆ÷ / ¼öÁ¤ ±ÝÁö ¹èÆ÷½Ã ÀÚ¸· Ãâó¸¦ ²À ¹àÇô ÁÖ¼¼¿ä
Yoko Ono gave me two dollars for orange Tic-Tacs I think she likes me Oh, honey, she definitely likes you Yeah, I just passed her in the hallway and she asked me if she could buy the big wooden statue of sitting bull that's in my bathroom - Hi! - Karen! You are here When they said you were in the little girls' room I just assumed they meant the room where you keep the maids' children This is the most amazing party I have ever been to! Celebrities everywhere! You know the best thing to do at a party full of famous people? Treat them normally and let them enjoy their evening? No Play ass tag The person who touches the most celebrity ass without them knowing wins I just got Liza Minelli I think I broke her hip again Now, I know you said not to bring anything but I went ahead and made my award-winning Charleston Harbor pickled shrimp You didn't win an award You said look what I made for Karen and I said, "what do you want, a medal?" Great.
Pickled shrimp Happy Rockefeller is gonna be farting all night long Hey, trust me People are gonna love it It's a sophisticated, elegant dish for a sophisticated, elegant evening I gotta piss Are you sitting down? Ah, there you are You are not going to believe who's here Antoine! Remember him? Thank you, dear We had that horrible break up when he cheated on me Literally on me I woke up and he was having sex with another man on top of me They had no idea I was asleep under the covers Since the whole thing played out in a display window at bed, bath & beyond, I was the laughing stock of that weird part of 6th avenue So now we meet again and I am a huge success while he's serving goat cheese tartlets to something called Gore Vidal Anyway, I'm gonna go rub it in his face Literally in his face Happy birthday, too Oh, Karen, I am so happy that you decided to throw yourself a big birthday party this year Yeah, it beats the three of us dragging you down to Chinatown every year for our little dinner I love Chinatown You can buy a bag of zippers this big for a dollar I hand them out to poor kids Aw, the look on their little faces as they zip and unzip their new toy Yeah, well, um, we should get back out there I don't want to miss a minute of the party I'm gonna try and get Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins in a double When are those two gonna get married already? I mean, we get it You're liberal Well, thanks for coming, kids Really I'm just so glad that you're all here What the hell are they doing here?! I specifically told you not to invite them! I'm sorry lady, I sent them invitations by mistake Oh yeah? I think the real mistake was when your father spotted your mother across a crowded swamp dragged her back to his hut and made you I never should have shown you our home movies Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Steams Like Old Times How many of these am I supposed to take again? A yes, eight All right, that's it I am no longer watching the "today" show And not just because Katie Couric has so many highlights it's like looking directly into the sun Matt Lauer has insulted me What happened, honey? Did he make fun of your forehead? Or your beady eyes? Your gay mouth? What was it? I saw him take a bite of one of my Charleston Harbor pickled shrimp make a big, stupid face, and then throw it behind the fireplace stools That's what you were doing on your hands and knees in front of the mantle I thought you met someone and were doing the gay presenting of the butt ritual Karen, that only happens in your disgusting imagination And Tuesday nights at baboon bar No, I was retrieving the shrimp so I could shame Lauer in front of his cronies and then I stood up and ripped my pants Please tell me you have a sewing kit here I didn't know anyone was in here I`m sorry - Hey, Mattie - Hey, Kare.
How you doing? Do you mind if I grab a mint or something? I have this, bleh nasty taste in my mouth - Nasty? - Yeah What you have sir, is a lazy palate And by the way, where in the world are Matt Lauer's manners? - Oh, oh, hi - How are you? Oh, oops You already got me Ah, damn it Wow.
Sounds like you kids are having kind of a bad night Maybe you should go home - Oh, no! - I'm having a great time! Fine.
Well.
I'm going to go open my presents from Stan Every year he hides my big gift in the overhang above his bikini area Check it out I just touched Philip Seymour Hoffman's ass and he grabbed my boob That man just got nominated for a golden globe and then he grabbed one of mine What do you think of that? I think "globe" is a little generous And he got some chicken pesto on your dress oh, no! I kept the tags on it so I could return it tomorrow! Oh, my gosh, I have got to get cold water on this right away Oh, my god, this is the biggest most obvious stain ever Wow, I guess you can actually be too gay Some of yours is leaking out Yeah.
Antoine and I decided to talk So I sit down on this beautiful three-tiered chair when all of the sudden after a few seconds the whole thing gives out You know what it turns out it was? Karen's birthday cake? Oh.
I was going to say antique cake chair but yours makes more sense Anyway, Rosie's coming in with a quick change of clothes while I take a shower Why don't you get undressed out here? And leave myself exposed for Will to jump me? No thanks Oh, wait, did Philip Seymour Hoffman have some of my pickled shrimp on his plate? I ask because it was right next to the chicken pesto, so it only makes sense No, no, no! No one likes your pickled shrimp You know why? Pickled Shrimp Yeah, say whatever you want They're gonna catch on Pretty soon, everywhere you look you're see gonna pickled shrimp Well, well, well I walk in on a naked man a man in his underpants and a woman who needs to leave Beverley this isn't a good time And I'm saying it could be Get out! Oh, settle down, woman Look at y'all I've never witnessed such inappropriate behavior No wonder Karen's never invited you to her birthday party What? This is the first time she's ever thrown herself a party Oh, my Have I been indiscreet? 'Cause I'd hate to be the one to tell you Karen's been having this party for ten years Really hate it Really Ten years Hate it I can't believe it This is impossible All these years and she's been lying to us It's worse than that Karen uses Costco shampoo! This is unbelievable All these years we've been talking Karen out on her birthday because we felt bad she didn't have a party And all along she was having this huge thing behind our backs I know I hate when people have huge things behind my back Usually Rosie, why has Karen had this party for ten years and never invited us until now? You weren't invited to this one either I screwed up and put you on the list It's outrageous! Why wouldn't she want the three of us here? You weren't invited because of one person and one person only Rosie? This is Rosie Come back Get out here I want to introduce you to Diane Sawyer I'm thrilled She's my idol We're thinking of doing a trade and she wants to check your hair for lice At least I have hair, lady One person What does that mean? Well, obviously she's embarrassed by one of us And she can't invite the other two so none of us get to come Well, who's she embarrassed by? Gee, I wonder who Mrs.
Roper Yeah, well I don't get that reference to "Three's Company.
" While you two geniuses figure this out I'm going to go tell Karen that it's okay if I'm the only one she invites next year Because it's obviously not me she's embarrassed by In case anyone was wondering Beverley Leslie comes up exactly to my penis You still sure you're not the one she's embarrassed by? You basically just showed a leprechaun your pot of gold You told John McCain you loved him in "cheaper by the dozen.
" I fooled around with Antoine on top of all the coats If she's embarrassed by anybody, it's me Wait Anyway, it's obviously you, Grace Because, you know, you're a woman That's always a little embarrassing You know what I hear when you talk? "Blah blah blah blah blah.
" You know what I see when you talk? William hurt in a wig You are both embarrassing! If I had a party, I wouldn't invite either of you I wouldn't want to go because everything would be pickled! Do people not know how long it takes to pickle something? I had to buy a barrel for God's sake Those aren't easy to find You'd think they'd sell them at Crate & Barrel But, guess what? They don't They don't sell crates, either Hey, next time, save me the trip and name your store Ottomans & Wicker Crap! You're a pompous bore, Will What did you say to me? I said you are a pompous bore You are so dead! Stop! Stop it! Hey! Stop it! We are behaving like children! You're right This is not a good weapon Grace! You got Visine in my eye! What? Great Now I'm gonna have to climb back onto the roof and load them all back into the hatch Rosie! Get in here and clean this up Okay.
Everybody clear out This Will only take a second Shouldn't somebody help her? Nobody helps her She makes 350 thousand dollars a year What kind of prescription plan are you on, by the way? I think it's the, uh, sneak a truck across the Canadian border plan Man, this is even harder than cleaning up that stinky, slimy pile of shrimp someone dumped in the ficas tree Okay.
All done I'm sorry it took so long I had to change the bag I know.
Isn't she fantastic? Honey, when I free you, you're getting forty-two acres and a mule Nope, a pony No, a cat Nah, I'm keeping the land You'll get a trick cat that can ride a pony and make a fortune Get out Now, what the hell happened here? Karen, why have you never invited us to this party? Oh.
You found out about that Well This is only the second year I've had the party We know it's been ten Oh, you found out about that Well The reason that I did invite you this year-- We know Rosie invited us by mistake Oh, you found out about that Karen, come on Rosie told us you didn't invite us because of one person Who is it? It's Will, right? - It's not me, it's you! - No, It's you! It's you! And-- All right, all right, it's me! It's me, okay The one person is me You know how every year for my birthday you people take me out to some crappy dinner? Well, I guess I was afraid if you found out about this party you wouldn't do that anymore That crappy dinner is the thing I look forward to the most That's my real birthday Oh, Karen that's so sweet I've only ever been 90% sure you were human But, lady, you just bumped it up to 95 And to think that we-- we thought that you were embarrassed by us Now, come on How in the world could I ever be embarrassed by you? Honey, you got a tampon in your hair But if you were worried we'd cancel our dinner why didn't you just say something? Well, I'm a proud woman, Jackie Sometimes it's hard for me to talk about my feelings Plus I'm high most of the time so there's that If you want, we can still do dinner tomorrow night Oh, that'd be nice Happy birthday, Kare Okay.
I can't wait any longer I need to tinkle Are you sitting down? See? And now the cast on Will & Grace As Himself, Matt Lauer Beverley Leslie, Leslie Jordan As Rosario, Shelley Morrison As Jack McFarland, Sean Hayes As Karen Walker , Megan Mullally And As Will and Grace, Ladies and Gentleman Eric McCormack and Debra Messing Ladies and Gentleman, once again a words of applause for the casts of Will & Grace ÀÚ¸· Á¦ÀÛ - ³×ÀÌÆ® µå ó¸ 24 ÀÚ¸·ÆÀ Á °ÇºÎ ¹èÆ÷ / ¼öÁ¤ ±ÝÁö ¹èÆ÷½Ã ÀÚ¸· Ãâó¸¦ ²À ¹àÇô ÁÖ¼¼¿ä