Will and Grace s08e13 Episode Script

Cop to It

Good morning, Elizabeth.
Is that today's mail? Yeah Can you start calling me Dave? My girlfriend found out about this whole "Elizabeth" thing and now she calls me that, and you know, I try to be cool with it, but it's kind of weird when we're making out.
Well, of course it's weird.
You're making out with a woman.
That'll be all, Elizabeth.
Ah! Yeah, yeah! You like that, don't ya, straighty? Hey, honey.
Hey, Kare.
You know what this is? A letter saying gays shouldn't be allowed on television? Because that would be horrible.
And early.
That thing shouldn't have gotten here until tomorrow.
No, no, it's a piece of fan mail, from Tommy Shields of Lorain County, Ohio.
He and his parents just visited New York and he saw an episode of "Jack Talk.
" "It was neat to see how comfortable you are being gay.
It made me want to come out, but I am too scared.
" Aww, this is so sad.
Okay, alright, but then it gets funny.
Oh, but then it gets sad again.
Ah! He ended funny.
Good for him.
All right.
Karen, this is what I've been waiting for.
The opportunity to make it seem like you can read? No! Can't you see? I have to go to Ohio and help little Tommy come out.
That way he can come on my show and tell his story.
This could be my Oprah moment! And then we goes to greet me, we'll do the Oprah hug.
What's that? - Here.
Try to hug me.
- Okay.
Good for you, good for you! WILL AND GRACE Cop To It - S08 E013 Syncro: ovidurex You know what? I bet Ellen's having another baby.
How many kids is this for Rob and Ellen? Five? Six? And which one am I godmother to? The cross-eyed one, or the one with the weird ear? It's so annoying.
Another kid, another gift.
I'm tired of rewarding straight, married couples for not wearing a condom.
I know, right.
How many kids do you need? It's like they're trying for a good one, and that's not gonna happen.
And the thought of them going at it, just rutting like pigs-- Thank you guys for meeting us at our favorite restaurant.
You know, on two separate occasions, Ellen's water broke right over there.
Yeah, we were here one of those nights.
I remember because I was wearing sandals.
So Someone looks like they've pudged out a little.
Is there something you'd like to tell us? Sure.
First of all, I'm not pregnant, so you just called me fat for no reason.
- And secondly - Let me tell them.
- No, let me.
- Let's do it together.
- Fine.
Ready? - One, two, three.
We're separated! Yep, we did it.
Splitsville, Sayonara-town, Separation Station.
No! No, no! You guys can't get separated.
You've been together since college.
You have five beautiful children or so I gotta say, you guys seem really okay about this.
Actually, we have never been better.
We used to fight all the time when we were together.
And now that we're apart, it's like we're best friends again.
Yeah.
Well, I'm really happy for you guys.
I'm not.
You guys are the reason I believe marriage can still work.
I mean, someone's gotta stay together besides Ben Stiller's parents.
Grace, you know, for some couples, breaking up is the right thing to do.
Will, you know that cop you used to date? Vince? Perfect example of breaking up being the right thing.
I mean, I know that I've definitely grown and matured.
No, I mean he's over there.
Vince is here? Oh, God, please don't let him see me.
Criss-cross-applesauce.
Will, whatever happened between you and Vince? They broke up after he got fired from the force.
Vince was kind of a mess and they agreed that he should take some time and get his act together.
Buona sera.
Anybody want something to drink? - Will? - Vince? You work here? Yeah.
I think Will's water just broke.
So, Tommy e-mailed me and said to meet him here.
His job is spraying the shoes before renting them out to bowlers.
Oh.
When I was a boy, I worked in a supermarket.
Oh! Did I say I was a boy.
'Cause I wasn't.
I was a girl.
Excuse me, do you bowl? Sure.
I love to "bowl.
" You wanna do it here, or out by the garbage cans? I'm pretty sure these middle-aged women are asking you if you want to bowl.
I'm 29.
Welcome to Ohio.
We're in a league and we're one short.
Is there any way you can fill in? Oh, I don't think so.
Our friend Peg couldn't make it because her hatchback wouldn't start.
Your story has moved me.
I'm in.
Great.
I'm Jean and this is Rhonda.
Anastasia Beaverhousen.
Nice to meet you.
Now.
I'll need a 12-pound ball and a big plate of fried food.
From the looks of this place, my ass has got a lot of catching up to do.
So, Vince You're a-- You're a waiter.
That's great.
Yeah.
This is my gun now.
You have the right to remain bland! Heh-heh Vince, anything you say can and will be used to make me laugh.
It's so great to see you, Vince.
Hey, you, too, Grace.
How you doin'? Okay.
You know, uh, let's see Work's great, still living with Will, but I'm gonna get out of there any day now.
What else? Yeah, we're still waiting on waters and it's been, like, 10 minutes.
The busboy gets that.
Oh, gosh! Of course, I'm sorry.
That was so obnoxious.
It's just that the pitcher's just right there.
I forgot you were like this.
God, how sad is that? He's working as a waiter at The Pasta Village.
Can you imagine anything more pathetic? I'd kill myself.
Hi.
I'll be your new waiter.
And while I'm still alive, I'll be serving you.
You-- You're our waiter? What happened to Vince? I think we're gonna need another minute.
I'm still trying to decide if I want the lobster spelled with two "B"s and a trademark symbol.
Grace, it is better than the real thing.
The shell is made out of bacon.
And then they inject it with cheese.
And it's spelled with five "E"s.
Can you believe that? I know.
I am totally getting it.
No! Not that.
Vince sent another waiter to cover our table.
God, this must be so awkward for him.
You know, he went from crime doesn't pay to soup of the day.
Go talk to him.
So he's a waiter.
There's no reason this has to be awkward.
You're right, Grace.
Oh, my God, I can't believe he's actually going over to see Vince.
And I totally thought tonight was gonna be boring! Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.
Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.
Confusion in his eyes, no product in his hair That's my boy.
Hi.
You need some help, don't you? Yeah, I do.
Jack's here.
Now.
I know it can be very difficult to admit that you're gay.
I'm not gay.
I'm just looking for someone over 21 to buy me beer.
All right, you might want to go talk to that lady over there.
She can get you real messed up.
If that's not Tommy Jack?! Jack McFarland? It's me, Tommy! Nope, not him either Hey.
Vince, look.
I don't want this to be weird between us.
So you went from "I'll read you your rights" to "I'll bring you your Sprites.
" Knock it off! You know, that's a little condescending, Will.
Waiting tables is an important job.
Without waiters, people couldn't, like, eat.
They could cook themselves.
Yeah, but they couldn't eat in a restaurant.
Well, they could go to places that have self-serve.
Will, what are you doing? I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to-- Just drop it, okay? I'm in the weeds, man.
Two busboys called in sick, so I'm picking up all my dirties.
My hands are covered in sauce and influenza, and I'm freaking out because I just touched my eye.
MAN: You know that guy? Yeah, he's my ex.
MAN: That isn't going to be a problem, is it, detective? No.
I'm sorry.
I couldn't get rid of him.
I just-- I'll just tell him I'm undercover on a drug bust.
That's called blowing your cover.
Just keep it together until the hand-off happens.
Then we move in.
Got it? Sir? I am totally focused on catching these sons of bitches.
A birthday.
I'm head clapper.
One, two, three, four.
Happy, happy Getting separated was a really hard decision, but once we made it-- - How'd it go with Vince? - we felt really good about it.
I think we should leave.
Really? 'Cause the first basked of unlimited bread sticks just got here.
I mean, if we want, they can just keep coming forever.
Vince can't even talk to me.
For some reason, he thinks I'm going to judge him.
Oh.
Okay.
So we're doing that again.
Doing what? You're gonna leave him because he's a mess.
Looks like that's turning into a pattern with you.
No, no, he broke up with me because he wanted to get his act together.
Oh, come on.
You left him when he needed you most.
You know, Ellen and I did the same thing-- Okay, shush.
I'm talking.
Maybe this is my fault.
I feel stuck with him.
What is it with me that I leave people when they need me most.
You know, we need you guys-- Not now, Rob.
You know, Grace We invited you guys here to talk about me and Rob And, well I feel that you're not really listening to us.
That was hard.
You did great, honey.
You really did.
No, I'm listening.
The two of you are both making the biggest mistake of your lives.
Got it.
Wh--? No, Grace.
We want to be single again.
I want to experiment.
I wanna go out and buy a Corvette and use a condom.
Me, too! I feel all hot and sexy again.
I wanna wear a belly shirt, Grace.
You know I wanna go to clubs and eat angel dust.
Wait a minute.
That's what this is about? You want to date? Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Okay, well, you know, good luck.
'Cause I've been out there for the past two decades and it takes work to find someone who can stand you.
And Ellen, God love you, but a belly shirt? I mean, you've been pregnant, like, thirty times.
Every shirt you own is a belly shirt.
Hey, what are you laughing at dough boy? You think some sexy co-ed is gonna wanna hang out at the Pasta Village with a forty-year-old accountant whose idea of sexy is making honking sounds while squeezing them? Honk honk You said you liked that.
Well, it's better than Look.
You're getting old.
You're not very interesting.
And you're both losing your hair.
You belong together.
If not for love, then for the mere fact that no one else is gonna take you.
I am not losing my hair! I starting plucking the grey ones and I couldn't stop.
You proud of yourself? Go get it.
Honey, I just got a strike! And a fungal infection under my nail.
Isn't that exciting? All I need is a factory job and a grey tooth and I'll fit right in.
Karen.
You see that old man over there? He's Tommy.
Man, the Midwest takes a lot out of a teenager.
I was looking for an Oprah moment, not a Willard Scott moment.
There's no way I'm putting him on "Jack Talk.
" Jack, I can not believe that you won't help that man! Why should I? He mislead me.
By using the name Tommy, he implied he was young, innocent, muscular and curious.
Honey, if that man only had one day left and you could help him to live it honestly, then that's what you should be doing.
What is more important than living life as your most authentic self? You're up, Anastasia.
Stop following me around.
You're not supposed to be in the kitchen.
I just want you to know how sorry I am.
It's fine.
Just forget it, okay? Now go sit down.
I still got ten more lobsters to pump full of cheese and paint little eyes on.
Waiter, can I talk to you? I'll be right with you, sir Well, we're back together.
We figured it's best for the kids.
Yeah.
We might as well make it all the way to the finish line.
You know death.
That's a cheerful way to put it.
It's better than your way.
"Best for the kids"? - The kids hate you.
- The kids hate you! See, this feels right.
Sorry your entrees are late.
We're gonna comp your appetizer.
What? No, we're not.
Get lost, Will.
Vince, this isn't you.
Yes, it is.
Now leave me alone.
Look.
Why won't you let me help you.
You are not being true to yourself.
- You are not a waiter.
- Yes, I am.
I think we both know you're a cop.
- Will, be quiet.
- I will not be quiet.
You are a cop, Vince.
You are a cop! Cops! Let's go! Man! They're going to the parking lot.
Move! Would you look at that? He is a cop! By the way, I would avoid the ricotta cheesecake.
There was a cat sitting on the box.
Okay, Tommy, listen up.
I have decided to help you come out.
All right? I'm not gonna lie.
Initially, I had some reservations.
Because it's such a huge responsibility helping another person through this journey? No, it's because you're not what I call eye candy.
You're more eye patch candy.
Are you being bitchy? I heard of that.
They do it all the time on "Designing Women"! All right, the first step in coming out is updating your references, okay? The second step, is telling your parents.
I am so nervous, Jack.
No, no, no.
Look.
I know this is hard, but it's so much better on the other side.
I promise.
Hey, why don't we start with someone here? All right? You know, for practice.
Like, um, this guy over here.
Excuse me, sir? Could you come over here? Yeah, great.
This gentleman has something he'd like to tell you.
Jack, I don't think-- No, no, no.
Don't think about it.
Blurt it out.
Trust me.
It'll make you feel better.
Go.
Yeah, what is it? I'm gay! Oh, my God.
Dad, you're gay? Yes, Josh.
And where did you get that beer? Wow.
Two after school specials in one.
Hey, I'm sorry.
I had no idea you were undercover.
It's okay.
We caught 'em in, like, two seconds.
They were exhausted from the lobster.
It's got turkey in it.
Mmm.
So, you're back on the force, obviously.
That-- That's great.
Yeah.
And I made detective.
Wow! I gotta tell you.
You know, I thought when we broke up, things sort of fell apart for you.
Yeah, well actually, things got better.
Yeah, I mean, you know, I got a promotion, and I'm dating a great guy.
And I just found out I got one foot bigger than the other, so I got that going on.
It seems like things are really going well for you.
A guy, huh? Yeah.
Hey, this is what you wanted, right? For me to get more independent, and get my act together Yeah, yeah.
No, yeah.
I'm happy for you.
Thanks.
Well I should go.
I gotta go interrogate that piece of crap drug dealer.
I probably don't have to worry about bagging up his dinner, right? I already did.
Well, it was really good seeing you.
Yeah.
You too.
You okay? What happened with Vince? He's not a waiter, he's dating someone and he's happy.
Sweetie, I'm sorry.
It's hard to find out your ex is happy.
He's got one foot bigger than the other, so it's not all wine and roses.
Did I make a mistake, letting him go? I don't know if it's possible to ever really know.
Come on! 11% is a generous tip! I don't know what's grosser about you.
Your cheapness, or the tiramisu you spit on the back of my neck.
You make me sick! You make me sick! Well I did that.
Pulaski's Bail Bonds is going to the semi-finals! You suck me, Barry Animal Hospital.
Karen.
I'm such a good person.
I helped that buxom old man.
I can't wait to tell his story on "Jack Talk.
" I really do feel like Oprah.
Thank you, Jack.
I feel alive for the first time.
Good for you, good for you!