Will and Grace s08e15 Episode Script

The Definition of Marriage

Okay.
Everything's all set for the wedding.
Coffee, please.
We're meeting the justice of the peace at the court house at 4:15, so I've arranged for a car to pick us up at 3:45, okay? And I laid a dress out for you on your bed.
Oh, and I also changed your sheets, because I didn't want to lay the dress down on what appeared to be the better part of a Denver omelette.
Will, calm down.
It's a green card wedding.
I don't need to brush my teeth, fix my hair, or put on lipstick.
Hell, I don't even need a head.
Grace.
If you're having second thoughts about this, it is not too late to call it off.
You know I'll understand.
Me too.
Even though if you do back out, I'll be deported back to Canada and my life will be destroyed.
Have you ever been to Canada? It's like Michigan without any culture.
I'm not backing out! I'm really looking forward to this.
If for no other reason than to send a holiday photo of James and me to my mom.
- Well, look I just want to say - I know-- - Yeah, but I need-- - I think it's sweet of you-- - So you know? - I do.
I'm glad I got a chance to say it to you.
Oh, there they are.
The Jewish woman and the black man who are about to get married.
I get such a kick that that's legal.
So, James.
You didn't show up at your bachelor party last night.
Wait.
What bachelor party? Jack offered to throw me a bachelor party for the two of us.
Me and him.
I don't know how you missed it.
My invitation was very clear.
"What: Bachelor Party.
Where: My Place.
When: After Will Falls Asleep.
" Honey, I made some arrangements for your wedding today.
I've reserved St.
Patrick's Cathedral.
I know you're Jewish, but I couldn't find a bank or deli on such short notice.
WILL AND GRACE The Definition of Marriage - S08 E015 Syncro: ovidurex What the Surprise! Smile! Whoa.
You're not gonna like that one.
What's going on? A surprise wedding! Since we couldn't do St.
Patrick's because of the funaway bride here-- Okay.
I just came up with that just now.
See, it's clever because there's a movie called Runaway Bride and she took the fun away from planning the wedding.
So I called it "funaway bride"! Instead of runaway bride! Runaway Bride's the real title! This is the first time I thought I could actually kill her.
Well, look at this.
All my friends together in one room.
And Rosario.
Hey.
Karen, I told you that I didn't want to make a big deal about this.
Oh, my God.
Why do I smell Polident and cabbage? BOBBI: Hello, dear! I hear you're marrying a gay, black man.
Wouldn't have it been easier to just run me over? Hi, mom.
Your wigs on backwards.
BOBBI: Oh! I really need to draw an arrow inside it.
Excuse us.
Did you know about this? Of course not! I would never let them invite your mother.
Hell, if I'd been planning this, I wouldn't have invited a single person in there.
We can hear you! You didn't let me finish.
Except for Larry.
I think I patched that up.
So, look.
I don't want to do this either.
So why don't we just go inside and tell them that we want a simple thing at the Justice of the Peace? Hey, guys.
Or we march my very hot boyfriend into that apartment and show him off to all of my friends? Sorry I'm so dressed up, Grace.
But Karen can be very persuasive when you're in the tub and she's there with a toaster and a garment bag.
Hey, kids.
Everything okay? No, it's not okay.
What did you do? I didn't do anything.
I'm against this whole charade.
Did I pronounce that correctly? A-gainst.
Yep.
Honey, you've gotta make the wedding look real for the INS.
Now, come on.
I got you a dress and a ring.
And Rosario's gonna take some pictures.
Believe me, she's better behind the camera than in front of it.
Ugh.
All this for a pretend wedding.
I'm not even getting laid at the end? Am I? - No.
- Let him answer! JOE: I have to say Will, when I heard James was Canadian, I though "yechh.
" But I didn't know they made them like that.
Yeah.
I'm glad you guys like him.
Like him? I'd sell my mother to a cult just to see him take off his shirt.
And Grace gets to marry him.
Heh.
I hate her.
Well, you know, James isn't just good looking.
He's also charming and smart-- And could pound me like a piece of veal.
What? You guys where thinking it.
- I was.
- I am now.
You know, you didn't hear it from me, but, uh, Will is going bald.
It's not going to be pretty.
Look at my head.
- May I kiss it? - No.
Well, what's going on here? Yeah, um, I don't see this working.
Okay? There.
I said it.
I didn't want to say it.
But now I've said it.
I don't see this working.
If he comes too close again, blow this whistle.
I know we wanted to do a simple thing at the courthouse, but this is kind of fun.
This is exactly the way I'd do my wedding, you know? Only Stevie Wonder would be here to sing my favorite song.
"Superstitious"? Why? Is it bad luck to have a blind guy sing at your wedding? No, the song.
No, no.
He'd sing "As".
You know, I won a lip sync contest at my high school doing a Stevie Wonder medley that ended with "Ebony and Ivory.
" My performance really brought everybody together.
Kids of all races beat me up.
Excuse me? Is this the Adler and Hanson wedding? Yes.
Are you Hall and Oates? Actually, it's Oates and Hall now.
Yeah.
Every 25 years we flip it.
Uh, when I agreed to that, I didn't think we'd last that long.
God, it is so weird seeing myself in a wedding dress again.
It's freaking me out a little bit.
I'm actually sweating.
Honey, you're finally wearing a quality fabric.
Your body's not sweating, it's crying with relief.
It is an incredible dress.
Thank you so much for doing this.
It probably is better that it look real for the INS.
That's not the only reason that I'm doing all this, honey.
I think what you're doing for Will is the most generous thing I've seen one friend do for another.
And it made me want to be generous to you.
I'm just really proud of you, Gracie.
I just got sick to my stomach.
Yeah, well, screw you! I was just making conversation, you ungrateful bitch! No! No, Karen, come back.
Come back.
It's not what you said.
I think it's just, uh, because I'm squeezed into a size two.
- It's an eight.
- Four.
- Six.
- I'll take it.
Hey, the justice of the peace is here.
My God, you look incredible.
Well, thank you, Will.
You're not looking too bad yourself.
I was talking to Grace.
Yeah, well, screw you, you ungrateful bitch! Okay.
Sweetie, if you're ready? Let's go marry my boyfriend.
Yeah, just give me-- Just give me one second.
Ever since I put this dress on, I've been feeling a little sick.
Wait a minute.
You really not feel well? Or is it just having a wedding dress on again is bringing up all sorts of Leo stuff? I don't know.
Maybe a little bit.
But, I still want to do this.
So, get out there.
I'll be there in a sec.
Oh, quick question, Karen.
Did you hire Hall and Oates for this wedding? Yes, I did.
And I was lucky to get them.
Honey, that's one of the most successful acts in the history of pop music.
Oh, and after the service, Oates will do your caricature for a dollar.
Look.
Anything you need-- Jack! All right.
[TO HALL AND OATES] All right.
The second she walks down that aisle, I want to hear music.
And I don't want to hear a track from your last album.
This is a wedding, not the Ellen show.
Okay, I understand, I understand.
[QUIETLY] Listen.
Let me ask you something.
Did we sleep together in Dayton, Ohio in 1981? Maybe.
Were you in the pile with Chrissie Hynde and Joan Jett? Okay, I'm ready.
Let's do it.
Grace, may I walk you down the aisle? That's so sweet.
Here she comes.
Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up.
Here she comes.
She's a maneater.
Funny.
Who knew Hall and Oates were such a riot.
Okay.
Let's do it again.
This time, put down those guitars and just hum "The Wedding March".
That way you can still walk around and refill drinks.
Hit it.
I can't believe she gets to wear that beautiful dress.
I kind of want to trip her.
What? You were both thinking it.
- I was.
- I am now.
Now it's time for your vows, which I was told you prepared yourselves? Oh.
No.
We're not doing that.
Right.
And you can just skip the whole "kiss your bride" thing, too.
No, that we're doing.
I wanna hear vows.
I payed 500 large for this shindig.
Brown sugar goes first.
Karen, I have asked you not to call him that.
It's offensive.
And it makes a little less special when I do it.
Okay, uh, Grace I love your hair.
It's a kind of red that you really don't see that often, outside the Raggedy family.
Well, he's quick on his feet.
I don't know what I would have said.
James.
I vow to stand by you, or whatever.
And I, uh, vow to, um Wow, I just got dizzy.
Okay, just got a little barfy.
So beautiful.
Oh, my God, I'm crying Are you okay? Can we get some water here? Thanks, Oates.
Here.
No, I'm-- I'm okay.
I don't even know what happen-- - Grace-- - I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
It's just a little hot in here, or something.
Okay, let's just keep going.
No, no, no.
We're not doing this.
I'm sorry, James.
We need to talk.
Come here.
Oof.
Not her day.
How dare you drag me out of my wedding! I wanted everything to be perfect! I'm totally kidding.
What's up? "What's up"? You just fainted.
I didn't faint.
I barely Lindsay Lohan'd.
I don't think you want to marry James.
What? Of course I do.
I know you say you're okay with it, but look at you.
You're falling apart.
I mean, maybe your body's trying to tell you that you're really not okay with this.
Will, my body's not that smart.
If it were, it would have stopped my feet from growing at age twelve and would have focused all of its energy right up here.
It's the dress.
It's-- It's too tight.
I swear I wanna do this.
I just wanna make sure you've thought this through.
Because after today, that's it.
You're married.
Um, maybe you haven't noticed, but there hasn't been a lot going on with me lately.
No, no, I've noticed.
And what if you meet someone? I don't want my relationship with James to be the thing that stops you.
It's two years.
And I get a gorgeous husband who doesn't care if I cheat on him? A girl could do worse.
So, you're sure? I'm sure.
'Cause you're the most important person in the world to me and if there is anything that I can do to help ensure your happiness, I'm gonna do it.
What did I do to deserve you? A million things.
And you're gonna do a million more to keep deserving me.
This is going to be a really expensive two years for me, isn't it? Oh, yeah.
Hey.
Tall and Oates.
I'm not paying you two to stand around.
I guess I should have hired Men at Work.
Maybe you should get in there and pick up some dirty plates.
HALL: I can't go for that.
No can do.
OATES: Whoops.
Now you got to put a dollar in the "Old Lyric Jar.
" HALL: You and that jar.
Sometimes I think we're never gonna have that pizza party.
Excuse me.
You guys know Will pretty well, don't you? Should I be worried? Oh, no.
No, Will and Grace do this all the time.
They're always crawling off into rooms to whisper, or fight, or God knows what.
That's a relief.
Sorry for freaking out on you guys like that.
JOE: That was freaking out? I don't know.
Karen gave me what she swore was a mint, but she shook it out of an envelope and now I can't feel my tongue.
Anyway, thanks.
It's nice to not be the only black guy in the room.
I figured you out.
You hate Canada.
You do.
You hate Canada so much that you're willing to marry Grace and pretend to be in love with fat, bald Will so you don't have to go back to that awful frozen prison where Superman lives.
You know, I used to think that you were jealous of Will, but now I'm beginning to think that you're jealous of me for getting to be with Will.
Well played, Canada.
Well played.
But you're wrong! This has all been a test to see if your feelings for my best friends are really true.
And you passed.
This time.
But know this! I will always be coming on to you.
Always.
When you turn a corner, I'll be there.
Nude.
To test you.
Did I mention you're allowed to fail one test.
Will, he has earned you.
Take good care of him.
And remember nude.
Did Jack just threaten to be nude around the corner.
It's hard to be threatened by a guy who still writes "L" and "R" on the bottom of his shoes.
He took my whistle, Will.
Oh, sweetie, come here.
It's so crazy today.
I just wish we could get a little time alone.
Yeah.
HALL AND OATES: Private eyes.
They're watching you.
They see your every move Oh, grow up, Hall and Oates! Okay.
I'm ready.
BOBBI: Oh, dear, are you alright? Oh, your make-up is so thick, I can't get a read.
At least mine doesn't come off in one piece.
Whoo! The wedding zinger! Okay.
See what I did? The movie is called The Wedding Singer, but Grace made a joke and I changed it from The Wedding Singer to The Wedding Zinger! So darned clever.
All I did was literally change one letter.
Let's go, James.
The quicker we do this, the quicker I get out of my dress.
- It's a size two.
- I heard it was an eight.
- You want me to do this? - Okay.
Grace, you look so radiant.
Turn around.
Wow.
It looks like I'm going to be in Photoshop all night.
Well, all right then.
Do you, Grace-- I sure do.
Do you, James Allen-- Can you just hold off for a second.
I mean, I do, but let me just do this quick thing.
I know this is supposed to be our day, but I just want to do something for our best man, since I didn't have time to buy him any cufflinks.
As around the sun the earth knows she's revolving Stevie Wonder.
And the rosebuds know to bloom in early May As hate knows loves the cure, You can rest your mind assure, that I'll be loving you always.
Oh, yeah.
I'm-a test you.
As rocky as that wedding started out, it turned out to be pretty great.
My favorite part? When you sang Stevie Wonder to me.
I sang Stevie Wonder? Yeah.
You sang "As".
Wow.
Karen's pills were amazing.
You don't remember singing it? I don't even know that song.
Hey, Will.
Hey, Grace.
I love your hair like that.
Karen, silly, that's not Grace.
That's James, Grace's other gay husband.
- Tempted? - No.
What if I hadn't just eaten herring? There you are.
Where did you get off to so early? Oh, I, uh, I still wasn't feeling well this morning, so I went to the doctor.
Oh, sweetie, you are sick.
No, I'm not sick.
I'm pregnant.
To be continued