Will and Grace s09e01 Episode Script

11 Years Later

1 [JAZZY PIANO TUNE] Okay, he's a man, but he's aged into a lesbian.
Steven Tyler! Jon Voight! - Newt Gingrich! - Yes.
- Okay.
- [PHONE CHIMES] She's don't get me started.
- Jada Pinkett Smith.
- Yes.
[PHONE CHIMES] Oh, oh! We want to love her, but she makes it impossible.
- Caitlyn Jenner.
- Of course.
- [PHONE CHIMES] - Um Oh! Uh, uh rich, hostage.
- Melania.
- Beret.
- Patty Hearst! - Yes! [PHONE CHIMES] BOTH: Whoo! You guys are up.
Grindr has gotten so skanky.
I feel like I could get finger herpes just from scrolling.
Ooh, there's a gay guy within ten feet from oh.
- Can we play? - Okay.
Patience, darling, patience.
Grace, you need to take my new profile pic, okay? But wait until I do something adorbs.
Come on, Kare, it's our turn.
Kare? - Is she asleep? - Wait, it could be a trap.
A smaller Karen might shoot out of her mouth and bite your face off.
I got this.
- [PILLS SHAKING] - What's going on? What's happening? Who won the election? BOTH: Your guy.
Oh, I had the craziest dream.
You were there, and you were there You weren't.
Hello, Grace, I was just giving you full adorable, and you missed it! In the dream, Will was living with a swarthy man in uniform, and Grace was married to a Jew doctor.
Yeah, well, we were.
But we're single now.
That tracks.
[CHUCKLES] What happened to the children you had who grew up and got married to each other? - That never happened.
- Oh, what a relief! Nobody wants to see you two raise kids.
[LAUGHS] Yeah, I mean, what would be funny about that? But you're not still living together.
- [CHUCKLING] - Oh, no.
I mean, I mean - she's living here right now.
- S-staying here.
- Staying - For just a couple of weeks until the dust settles.
On your genitals? On my divorce.
Because of your genitals.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What about Stan? Is he still alive? Am I still rich? Answer the last one first.
You're rich, Stan's alive, both single, no kids.
Got it? Got it.
[UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC] Are you writing another angry letter to that congressman? Wow, you are so good.
Eh, people throw around the word "hero" too much.
I didn't say "hero.
" There's that word again.
- Is that him? - Mm.
"Congressman Steve Sandoval.
" [SIGHS] I hate it when bad guys are handsome.
It's like Scar in "Lion King.
" - What? - [EXHALES] Who cares what he looks like? He's trying to gut the EPA.
I am so impressed.
You are so woke.
I used to be woke.
Now I use my pussy hat to sneak candy into the movies.
Get back into it.
Write your representative.
- I should write.
- Why don't you? I don't wanna write.
I'm so busy! What can I do that's low-effort, high-impact? - Fart in an elevator? - That was not me! That is fake news.
[PHONE CHIMES] Hi, it's your assistant, Anastasia Beaverhausen.
I have to tell you about my conversation with Melania you know, the wife of your president? By the way, I signed your name to his birthday card.
Bye! She never stops rubbing it in my face.
Yeah, but does she ever bring up the election? No, she tortures me, constantly.
I know what I can do.
I can put my foot down with her in the office.
No more gloating.
No more screaming "Lock her up!" when I wear something she doesn't like.
Well, there you go.
It's just what you wanted, you know? Effort is low, and you're impacting a person who's high.
Not hungry, couldn't eat a thing.
What are you in the mood for, Jack? [RHYTHMIC SLAPPING] French toast.
I am off, boys.
Thank you for inspiring me.
[DOOR RATTLES CLOSED] Who talks like that? Okay, who's the guy? Your lips are pursed, your neck is flushed, and you're presenting.
I am writing a protest letter to a congressman about issues that matter - in my pants.
- I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! How hot is he on the Ryan scale? He's a Reynolds-point-Gosling.
- Okay.
- Grace thinks it's all political, but we're totally flirting.
Okay, Shonda, now we got a scandal.
[LAUGHS] Hey, look.
There he is.
And he is the worst votes against every environmental regulation.
Okay, I get it.
You wanna hook up with a power gay.
It's called an "Anderson Cooper.
" It used to be called an "Elton John," and before that, an "Abraham Lincoln.
" Wait, wait, wait, is it Isn't it hypocritical to hook up with someone that I disagree with on virtually everything? Will, do you know how many men I've been with who I disagree with politically? I don't.
'Cause I don't ask! You just pop out your contacts and you get to work.
It's not like I'm ever gonna meet this guy anyway.
Okay, I know exactly what to do.
All right? Here we go.
And going to his Facebook page and going to his calendar and looking at his speaking schedule and I found one.
"Addressing the Energy Caucus in the Rose Garden.
" Are we tech avail on Friday? We are.
Okay, good.
Now let's book our train.
Are we comfortable in business, or should we be bad and splurge for first? Let's be bad! I mean, if we're gonna do it, let's do it.
Okay, and we're done.
Thank you for booking your travel through "One Fine Gay.
" Karen, I need to Karen? Hey, Grace.
She's not here yet.
Hey, Tony.
You're in early.
- Hi.
- Yeah, you know, I was just finishing up the drawings on the townhouse.
You are so good.
Mm.
Hey, Tony, can I ask, um, does Karen ever offend you? Mrs.
Walker, offend me? Um [STAMMERING] Well, I mean, she's like [CHUCKLING] You know, she's like I mean well, what do you mean by "offend"? Does her politics offend you? Politics? No, no.
Is there anything else that she does that offends you? [LAUGHING] Mrs.
Walker? Uh you know, she's she's it's kinda like [CHUCKLES] I mean [STAMMERS] nah, she doesn't offend me, no.
Well, you let me know if she does.
I will.
Thank you.
That stuff looks great.
Karen, you and I need to have a very serious talk.
Oh.
So, I shouldn't do this? Honk.
I'd prefer you didn't.
How about this? Honk-honk.
- No.
- No.
How about the Sugar Ray speed bag? - [IMITATES PUNCHING IMPACTS] - Karen! Sorry, honey, but you make me nervous when you do the serious face and your mouth goes into that little balloon knot.
I'm instating a new rule.
Your politics, your business, but you gotta keep it out of the office.
Honey, I knew I had some news.
You're redecorating the Oval Office! - What? - What? What? What? What? What? The Oval Office? Yeah, Melania called me last night after one of her night terrors.
She said the hubster's been pouting 'cause his office is a real dump.
[GIGGLING] So, I says to her I says, "Melani-o, have I got the decorator for you.
" And she says, "Is she pretty?" And I says "Not a threat.
" So, long story short, we're going to Washington.
Wait a minute, you got me a job redecorating the Oval Office? Yes, you.
I I [SIGHS] Well, obviously, I wouldn't even consider it.
But just out of curiosity, what is he looking for? Just a fluff.
You know, he wants it to look like he's there from time to time.
No, I can't.
It would be completely hypocritical.
I know that this is a huge opportunity, but it goes against everything that I believe in.
I would hate myself if I took that job.
- Train leaves at 10:30.
- I'll be there at 10:15.
I gotta say, when you're actually here, it's kind of hard to be cynical.
I mean, the Oval Office is right there.
And look, there's the vegetable garden where Michelle Obama introduced broccoli to the Midwest.
And that right there, that's where Joe Biden and Barack Obama used to hold hands - and talk about their dreams.
- Aww.
I still don't get how you got us in here.
My pals at the Secret Service.
You don't know anybody in the Secret Service.
Of course I do.
Everybody in the Secret Service is gay.
You know that.
Why do you say things like that? Because it's true.
Who better to read a room? You're ridiculous.
Sir, you are aware that we can hear everything you're saying.
Slandering the Secret Service Oh, oh please, please forgive him.
He he was born with his brain on the outside of his skull.
Was I speaking to you? Oh no, no.
I beg your pardon.
- It's my first time.
- I was speaking to him this adorable marzipan confection with a tushy that belongs in the Smithsonian.
Hey, Lenny.
Long time.
Good to see you, angel face.
Glad you guys got in.
Your skin is amazing.
You obviously take good care of it.
Find me later.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER] There he is.
There's the congressman.
Is that Will Truman? [BREATHLESSLY] Hi.
Kellyanne Conway, he's hot! [QUIETLY] Mm-hmm.
Okay, he's a ten, you're a six.
Be confident, okay? - And don't giggle.
- I'm a grown man.
I don't giggle.
Congressman Sandoval, it's an honor.
The honor is mine.
I serve at the pleasure of my constituents hopefully one in particular.
- [GIGGLING] - [THWACK] Wow.
I've gotta say, I am awed by the majesty of this office.
I mean, just think of the great minds that sat at this desk and shaped the course of history.
A Russian-English dictionary and a fidget spinner.
The first time I was in this office, Nancy and I were chasing Ronnie around that desk Trying to get some protein into the ol' Gipper.
We used to put a scoop of tuna fish in an ice cream cone and tell him it was mint chip.
All right, let's start.
Karen, hand me that curtain swatch.
I need to make sure it works with his coloring.
- Yup, that's the one.
- Ah.
Paige, please give Mr.
Truman here a tour of the West Wing.
Oh, Congressman, before I give anyone a tour of the West Wing, there is a security protocol that I have to what the hell? Rules don't mean anything in this place anymore.
- I'll go get your credentials.
- Thank you.
Hup-up-up-ah! What's with the Laura Bush pour? Give me the full Pat Nixon! Uh, excuse me.
- What's going on out there? - That's the Energy Caucus, ma'am.
Congressman Sandoval is about to address them in the Rose Garden.
That's that awful guy that Will's been writing.
He's rolling back environmental regulations.
Ha! Take that, trees and water.
You know they make gin out of trees and water.
Eh, rich people won't be affected.
Oh, now I just feel gross.
I'm here doing this, and Will's off somewhere, resisting.
[SPITS] We'll meet back here afterwards.
Sure.
We'll start in the Oval Office, But you should know, the owner's got someone in there redecorating.
"The owner"? There's a lot of new words they want us to use.
Follow me.
Hmm redecorating for this president? [SNORTS] What desperate fool would take that job? It's just gonna be redone in a year.
[THUD] Actually, you could say my job's gotten a lot easier.
The nutjobs that we protected the last president from are this guy's biggest supporters.
Oh, yeah.
Enough about me.
What about you? - What's going on? - Oh, God.
[STAMMERS] The, um, last time I saw you, I was living in the apartment across the hall from Will, you know, kind of doing a journey inward.
Yeah, I was still doing that ridiculous one-man show.
No, I remember that.
Right, it was called "Just" Don't even! That is dead to me! What kind of an ego must I have had to put my own name in the title of my show? Anyway, since then, I've started a bunch of different businesses.
Oh, yeah? Like what? Well, I had an energy drink called "Jack It Up!" Then I was gonna trademark my own stretch and kick workout, called "Jack be Nimble.
" But I strained my groin doing an overly enthusiastic demonstration on top of one of the investors.
After that, then I started a Halloween pumpkin carving business.
Ah, let me guess.
"Jack-O'-Lanterns.
" That's what I should've called it.
Not "Scary Orange Balls"! Welcome to the Oval Office.
The owner would like you to know it's the best Oval Office you'll ever see.
- It's tremendous, and - Grace.
- Will.
- You and I need to talk.
I disagree.
I think you and I need to talk.
What are you doing here, Grace? What are you doing here, Will? Are you just gonna repeat everything I say with an emphasis on a different word? Are you just gonna repeat everything I say with an emphasis on a different word? I can't watch another husband and wife fight - in this office.
- [MURMURS INDISTINCTLY] I saw Barb Sr.
give 41 the full pile driver in this office over that "read my lips" BS.
Come on.
- How could you? - [SCOFFS] What? I'm an interior designer, just designing an interior.
It's a room.
What you are doing is so much worse.
Me? I'm just here voicing my grievances in person.
Before or after giggling like a schoolgirl with Congressman Sandoval in the Rose Garden? Who are you, Mrs.
Peacock in "Clue"? Don't try to distract me with a movie you know I love.
You had me convinced that you were actually doing something selfless, when all you were doing was just trying to pull an Anderson Cooper! How do you know what an Anderson Cooper is? [SCOFFS] You're not the only one in the house who reads Queerty.
Don't you understand that working here is a tacit endorsement of everything that happens here? I can't believe you'd even consider taking this job.
Honestly, I'm more disappointed than anything.
Oh, unbelievable.
Even though you are totally busted, you are still acting superior to me! - Can't do this again.
- Do what? This us being all up in each other's stuff.
Well, then why did you beg me to stay with you? I begged? [STAMMERS LAUGHINGLY] You stood at my doorstep with a suitcase! [IMITATING GRACE'S SOBS] "I.
Don't.
Know.
Where.
To.
Go, Will!" [SNORTS] [GASPS] Whoa! If you're so unhappy, then move out, because I can't live with your crazy again.
Do not call me crazy.
That's real mature.
What are what, what are we, gonna have a pillow fight in the Oval Office? Classic Grace: act and then think.
You're right.
Let me think first.
Hmm.
Do that again I dare you.
That's it! It's on! [THWACK] I mean, now, I'm actually living in the apartment across the hall from Will.
Um, you know, kind of doing a journey inward.
So a lot has changed.
- Oh-ba-da, bi-ba-da - Kare? Poodle? What are you doing here? I'm on a date.
With Lenny? Wait a minute, you two know each other? Well, hello, Mrs.
Walker.
- Pleasure as always.
- Yes.
- What have you been up to? - Recently, I've been focusing my attention Excuse me.
All available agents, we have a situation in the Oval.
Cupcake Daddy's gotta work.
Little kiss? I'm in the middle of a crisis.
[STAMMERS, SIGHS] Oh, those eyes are just too damn blue.
So did you get serviced? Shh.
It's a secret.
[KEYS JINGLING] [DOOR THUDS CLOSED] - Hey.
- Hey.
You're really leaving, huh? Yup.
I was gonna go to a hotel, but - You're too cheap? - Yup.
Then I was gonna go to my sister's, but - She was eating on the phone? - Yup.
[SIGHS] So I guess I will go.
Grace, Grace [STAMMERS] You know why I didn't tell you what I was doing? I didn't want you to think less of me.
I didn't want you to think less of me, either.
I like you thinking that I'm a better person than I really am, 'cause it makes me wanna be a better person.
And your judgey-ness keeps me from doing some of the crazy things I wanna do.
So stay.
And not not just temporary.
I mean, as long as it makes sense.
- It'll be different this time.
- Will it? Yes.
'Cause all the other times we've done this, we thought it would be different, but this time, we know it's gonna be exactly the same.
And that's what makes it different.
And I'm the crazy one? Mm-hmm.
- Oh, yeah.
- Mm.
Come on, let's get you back to your room.
There's nothing in here, is there? I kinda figured we'd end up here.
Because of you guys, I had to spend the night at the White House.
The things I had to do to Lenny to keep you two out of trouble! Thanks, you guys.
When you two talk about politics, you get so preachy.
We should just be what we've always been.
- Mm-hmm.
- A sad, middle-aged lady And Grace.
Oh, Grace.
I can't believe you had a chance to redecorate the Oval Office - and you blew it.
- I don't know.
I did manage to make one little change.
[JAZZY PATRIOTIC MUSIC]