Will and Grace s09e14 Episode Script

1 "Will & Grace" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
- [SCREAMS.]
- [SCREAMS.]
Oh, my God, you scared me! I thought someone was robbing the place! I'm not robbing the place.
I'm just rifling through drawers, looking for money! [SCOFFS.]
Where is William and his wallet, anyway? With Michael.
They either went to brunch or antiquing.
I was still half-asleep, but I know it was something super-gay.
Grace, balls on the table, how do we feel about Will and Michael? Hey, Will's happy, I'm happy.
You know, I know that Michael can be a little annoying.
A little? A little? Did Midge and Moose have a little problem with jingle-jangle on "Riverdale"? Anyway, don't you remember what we hated about Michael the first time? Yeah, lots.
He enabled Will's George Michael phase.
Ugh, wake me up before I gag-gag.
He overused the expression "vis-à-vis.
" And now, Will says it all the time.
I only borrow his AmEx for fear that if I ask for his Visa, he'll say "vis-à-vis.
" Wait, what does "vis-à-vis" mean again? "As it pertains to" [CONDESCENDINGLY.]
This conversation.
You have to focus, Grace.
My god.
I worry Michael uses Will.
I think he's after something.
Well, then, speak up! You know the saying.
"See something, say something.
" Your hair's looking a little over-processed.
Oh, you mean as it pertains to Will.
[LAUGHS.]
Why isn't there a shorter way of saying that? [SIGHS.]
Hey! More great news vis-à-vis Michael.
I am taking him on a cruise to the Caribbean! We're gonna visit Rihanna's middle school! Isn't that exciting? [UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC.]
Coming through.
Hey, pick a number! Oh, okay.
One.
Hi, I'm Amy.
How can I make your day sweet? I need a cake.
Well, you're in luck.
I'm a cake maker.
For now, if they don't raise my rent.
- This whole neighborhood is - Okay, honey, honey.
People like me don't care about the problems of the white working class.
That was just to win the election.
Speaking of which, I need a big cake for a very important person's birthday.
Ooh, important! - Mm-hm.
I want it chocolate - Uh-huh.
With white frosting and a lot of stars.
- Uh-huh.
- Red lettering.
Uh-huh.
And I need it to say, "M-A-G-A.
Make America Great Again!" You're making a cake for your president! Oh.
He's coming to my house for a thing.
We're serving white Russians.
But you don't need to know the guest list.
Well, that sounds nice, but no.
[SPUTTERS INCOHERENTLY.]
I'm sorry.
I hate to disappoint people, and I'm very bad at standing up for myself, which is why Jocelyn said I should never work in the front, but she's dead now, and I won't make a cake for that person.
Let me get this straight, Smiley Cyrus: You're refusing to make me a cake because you don't like what it says? That's correct.
Am I crying now? I'm probably crying.
[JAZZ MUSIC.]
[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC.]
And I know I already have one, but how can you take a trip without buying a new dopp kit and call yourself a man? See, look.
With a kicky polka dot pattern inside? That's nice.
If Katy Perry were a kangaroo, I'm sure that's what it would look like inside her pouch.
Well, I got a, uh, matching one for Michael.
Um, about Michael can we talk about that? Why, what is there to say about Michael? Nothing.
I didn't say anything about Michael.
Who said anything about Michael? - You did.
- Oh, that's right.
Somebody's got a good memory.
Is there something wrong? You seem more meerkat-y than usual.
I'm actually a little dry, so I'm just gonna Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack.
It just if you have a problem with me and Michael, just say it.
Okay, okay.
Um I worry you and Michael are rushing into things and I think you should take a look at that.
No, no, not the face! I'm not gonna hit you! I was reaching for a thread.
I'm not mad.
Oh.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
I get it.
It has been fast.
I'll I'll think about it.
Thanks.
That's good.
I'm glad we had this talk.
- Tap, tap.
- [LAUGHS.]
[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC.]
[PHONE RINGS.]
Grace Adler Design.
Oh.
Hey, Mrs.
Walker.
Really? Wow, okay.
Yeah, I'll let Grace know.
Come on, you know I don't like doing this.
Black and white dress.
It's the muumuu with the GPS on the top.
What was that about? Oh, it was Mrs.
Walker.
She said she's going to be late.
She got into a thing at the bakery on West 4th.
They wouldn't make her a cake because it went against their beliefs.
Seriously? It's just like that thing in Colorado with that baker who wouldn't make the gay wedding cake.
- Well, yes and no - That is unacceptable! I mean, we live in New York City! - The thing is - Oh, my gosh! No, no, no! No! You know what? They got Grace Adler on the wrong day.
First, I am going down there and I am going to rip someone a new donut hole, and then, I am coming back with a gay wedding cake.
She wanted them to put "Make America Great Again" on the cake.
She's on her own.
What? Uh, I don't know.
Eh, it's cool for a bakery to refuse to make a MAGA cake, but not a gay cake? It's a totally different situation.
People on "Jezebel" have explained why at length, which is why I didn't read it.
It was too long.
I don't know.
Look, how can you complain about your free speech if you're not gonna defend someone else's? Tony, what if someone wanted to make a cake that said "I hate Puerto Ricans"? Well, if it says "Make America Great Again," the "I hate Puerto Ricans" is implied.
But if Mrs.
Walker could get turned away, anyone can get turned away.
Tony, don't paint this like I'm a hypocrite if I don't go down there and It's the bakery that gives out cookie pizza samples.
Then again, it is very important to follow your moral compass.
[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC.]
This is crazy.
When we broke up, you were a trainer, and now you've got your own gym.
You always wanted this.
I remember my dad built me a treehouse and I turned it into a Curves.
Well, that's just for women.
How did you get in? Yeah, he didn't like that either.
Uh, one question.
Is it about how crazy it is that we're back together after 20 years? That, and I can't believe we're liking green these days.
I know.
My 30s were all about forgiving my parents and becoming more tolerant of spring tones.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Will, these last two weeks I know.
It's like we never broke up.
I mean, maybe it's crazy, but I feel like we're ready to talk about something vis-à-vis us.
Sounds like a big vis-à-vis.
It is.
You know what? This is this is totally the wrong place to bring it up.
We can talk about it later.
Hey, you okay? Yeah.
Oh, it's something Jack said about us moving too fast.
Ah.
[LAUGHS.]
I feel for Jack.
I really do.
How do you mean? He doesn't want us together for the same reason he didn't want us together the first time.
He was jealous I had a hot boyfriend and he was living with a parrot? No, Will, because he's in love with you.
Don't you know that? Jack has always been in love with you.
[JAZZ MUSIC.]
There she is.
That's the woman who violated my civil rights.
This is exciting.
I feel just like Rosie Parker.
You mean Rosa Parks.
No, Rosie Parker, my squash partner.
She's always raising a stink.
Oh, God, it's you.
We're closed.
Have a sweet day! Um, hi.
Um, So you refused to serve my friend because you don't believe with her beliefs, and it's understandable, because her beliefs are horrible, but even people with hateful beliefs have rights.
First they came for the filthy rich and I said nothing.
Then they came for the moderately wealthy, and I said nothing.
No.
Okay, please just make her awful cake.
Be strong, Amy.
Think of what Jocelyn would say if she'd made it out of that ravine alive.
I still refuse.
Okay, look, I I totally understand, but refusing her is the same as refusing marginalized people, like an interracial couple or a gay couple.
Or a man married to a dog, or a lamp.
Or a lamp married to a dog.
Karen? - Karen? - Hm? You are much more persuasive when you don't talk.
I would never turn away a marginalized person.
She's asking me to make a cake for my second-least favorite powerful man on Earth.
Least favorite.
I keep forgetting my dad is dead.
[LAUGHS.]
Excuse me.
What's the holdup? They want me to make a MAGA cake for the president, and I said no.
Good for you.
And shame on you both.
That man has insulted and degraded Latinos.
Okay, honey, we're gonna need a little less Cesar Chavez and a little more Ted Cruz.
No, no, no, no, no.
Not "we.
" I'm on your side.
I'm you.
How can you celebrate that man? He mocks the disabled.
Okay, thanks for the wide bathrooms, but that's enough out of you.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE.]
You're terrible people.
And we terrible people have been shamed for too long.
But Grace is taking a stand, and I'm with her.
No.
Nope, she's not with me.
I am not with her.
I'm with the other her.
I-I mean, I even wore a pantsuit to vote.
I cried when he won.
Me too.
My dealer moved to D.
C.
Actions speak louder than words, and your actions say that you're on his side.
Okay, I I get it from these two, but I am not taking it from a white guy.
I'm transgender.
Did not know that.
But anyway, you're still white, so stop coasting.
Okay, can you please just do the right thing [WHISPERS.]
which so feels like the wrong thing [REGULAR VOLUME.]
and make the cake [WHISPERS.]
that we both hate? No.
Okay, come on! And excuse my language, but get the heck out of here! Okay, you know that I can call the ACLU on you, right? I mean, they'll represent anyone.
Westborough Baptists, Illinois Nazis Fine people on both sides.
You'd actually do that? I really don't want to but yeah.
Fine, but you're even more of a monster than she is.
I'm not, I swear! Honey, honey, I've told you a hundred times, learn how to take a compliment! [ENERGETIC JAZZ MUSIC.]
So I-I talked to Michael today.
Mm-hm.
He thinks we're we're ready to make a major commitment to each other.
What about what I said about not rushing into things? I know.
Well, but Michael thinks that maybe the reason you said that is because because you're in love with me.
I'm in love with you? Will, I I have a boyfriend.
Drew and I are in a loving, mature, adult relationship.
[CELL PHONE RINGS.]
Drew, why are you calling me? I said I'd call you when I get there! Bananas, Q-tips, Go-Gurt! The list doesn't change! Kiss, kiss, bye! Well, I hope you told him that was crazy.
Well Wait a minute, you agree with You think I'm in love with you? It would explain a lot.
Wow.
I'm speechless.
There are no words.
- Jack - Of course you believe it.
Of course you do! Because the entire basis of our friendship is that you think I'm just your silly, ridiculous, loser friend who you'll always feel superior to, and me being in love with you makes me just the perfect combination of sad and pathetic to keep you above me forever.
So there are some words.
You know what you know what's actually pathetic? That you are feeling so old and alone and desperate that you would ignore the advice from your good friend, which, by the way, I've always been and only want to be, to make it work with some guy who you just started dating again, who I guarantee you is using you for your money.
My my what? My money? What? Michael doesn't want my money.
He's got his own business.
He's a user, Will! He's always been a user.
What are you talking about? Has he ever picked up the check at dinner? Have you? We are not talking about me.
Has he ever once offered to pay for a cab, a movie, anything? - Have you? - Again, not talking about me.
Mark my words, he is gonna ask you for money, and when he does, I am going to be there, and I will laugh in your face, like this: [LAUGHS AFFECTEDLY.]
No, that's not right.
[LAUGHS.]
No, that was terrible.
[LAUGHS.]
I will find it.
[ELEVATOR DINGS.]
Hey.
- Hi.
- You okay? Uh, yeah.
What do you I wanted to ask you this at the gym, but I lost my nerve.
Okay.
I know this is fast, but we're not getting any younger, and and sometimes life just hands you a gift, and and you just know that it's right.
Do you know what I mean? I do.
I really do.
You are everything I could want in a partner, and it would make me so happy if you would throw caution to the wind and invest in my gym.
What do you think? Wow.
Uh, Michael, it's that's, uh It wouldn't have to be much at first.
Just enough to finish construction, buy the equipment, hire a staff, you know.
Practically nothing.
Uh Can I think about it? Of course.
Of course.
- Just not too long.
- [LAUGHS.]
All right, I gotta go.
I'm meeting the contractor.
So exciting! Love you.
I know you heard all of that.
So come on out.
Laugh in my face.
[SEDATE JAZZ MUSIC WITH MARACAS.]
[JAZZ MUSIC.]
Okay, here you go.
Hope this makes your day sweet.
Ha-ha! We won.
When they go low, we get high! Honey, I want to see my MAGA cake! Open the box! Uh, maybe do that at home.
Can you lift up your hand, please? Okay.
Uh, your hand is still there.
How could it be? I cut it off for making this horrible cake.
Here it is.
One MAGA cake.
That says "I'm a gay.
" How dare you come out on my cake? Okay, so you added an I and a Y.
Very clever.
But this isn't for the vice president.
So can you please take the extra letters off? I can't.
I really can't.
I understand, so I'll do it myself.
Okay, put it down.
This bag squirts frosting, not hate.
Look, if you are not gonna do it, then I have to.
- Do not touch my art.
- It's a cake.
- No, you won't! - Yes, I will! No, you won't! Although it may not look like it, I have won.
[JAZZ MUSIC.]
I'm sorry I said that that you're in love with me.
I know that's not true.
Thank you.
I mean, if anything, you've always been in love with me.
Definitely not true.
You know why? Let me get out my umbrella.
Sounds like the forecast calls for hurtful comments.
Because I knew that you could either be a guy I dated for a while, or a friend for life, but not both.
Although, there was a moment when I thought about it.
Shut up! You remember when we were out on the terrace and you were about to come out to your mom? [EXCITEDLY.]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You were so vulnerable, and and I felt so close to you, and the look on your face I thought, "That's a face I could love.
" Wow.
I'm glad you chose friendship.
'Cause that would've been a disaster.
Right? What about you? There must've been - a moment when - Nope.
- Not even - Never occurred to me.
- But in college, you - Because I felt sorry for you.
But, let's make a pact.
If we're not with anybody when we're old, let's agree to meet in the middle of the Brooklyn Bridge, you and me, and have somebody push us off.
- I do, Will Truman.
- [LAUGHS.]
Don't ask.
She acts like this is the first time we've seen her covered in cake.
[LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC.]
Thank you so much for making a new cake.
I truly, truly hate it.
Thank you.
So do I.
But you were right.
It's about the principle.
On the bright side, once word got out, business really picked up.
Hi.
Hi.
I am so sorry.
I hate to be that guy, but, uh, can you take a look at this cake again? The, uh, swastika's a little off-center.
Sure.
I'm sorry.
It's just, sometimes, when I'm crying, my arm isn't as steady.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, is this for the birthday party? I'll see you there.
Why are the hot ones always gay or Nazis? [JAZZ PIANO MUSIC.]
[LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC.]