Will and Grace s09e16 Episode Script

It's A Family Affair

1 "Will & Grace" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Where's NBC on your TV? In Schenectady, it's 13, where it should be.
Martin, in New York, NBC's channel 4.
That's stupid.
I'm going to kill you for asking him to stay with us.
- [SHUSHES] - Oh, he can't hear us.
I promise you, he's in a TV trance.
He's your father.
Think of it as an opportunity to connect.
Gosh I never thought of it that way.
It is an opportunity.
I really should be thanking you for inviting Master Sits and Farts into our home.
You're being sarcastic, but I think I did a good thing.
You did.
I just wish there was some way that I could do a good thing for you.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR] - Oh, wait, there is.
I forgot.
What is this? I believe it's opportunity knocking.
- [DOGS YIPPING] - Mom! Oh Oh, hello, darling.
Hi, Grace.
Oh, hello, Martin.
I didn't know you were here.
Oh, this is gonna be fun.
Okay, babies, say hello to your brother.
- Oh! - You're welcome.
[UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC] Well, I went for a jog through the park, took in a very disappointing matinee of "Kinky Boots.
" My point is, I've given you some time to think.
Is it Stan or me? I've made my decision.
I'm keeping things exactly the same.
Karen, I can't go on like this.
I'm tired of being your side-piece, your goomad, your down-low ho.
I'm not the blistered cherry tomatoes.
I'm the branzino, damn it! Okay, okay I say we stay out of it and let Lord Hung Donkey and Lady Snatcherly work it out.
Until you choose me, I'm withholding sex.
Huh Are you sure? Gah! I am.
[SIGHS] - Are you? - [GASPS] [UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC] "Just get over it"? That's your advice, Mother? Just get over it? I loved Drew! If you had any understanding of the human heart, or Bieber and Selena, you'd know that people don't just get over people, Judith! Why do you think I'm in Ibiza? I had to fly halfway across the wor You know, I can see that radish parked in your cheek.
Either chew it, swallow it, or spit it out.
My heart is shattered.
Do you understand, Mother? It's shatter "Jello.
" I'm never gonna find love.
I will be alone for the rest of my enti I gotta go, Mom.
Bye.
Is this chaise lounge taken? - Are you? - [CHUCKLES] [UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC] [UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC] His name is No, Mom, you can't say the name.
I'm not gonna say his name.
- Uh, he was "The Godfather" - Mm.
But not Marlon Brando.
The other one, Al Pacino.
- Al Pacino! - Yes! Oh, you're so good at this.
Next one.
Oh"Shey, Shweetheart.
It's me, Humphrey Bogart.
" - Humphrey Bogart! - Yes! - Oh, you're wonderful.
- I love this game.
Time to stick my head in the oven.
Kitchen.
- Mom, another? - Oh, no, I shouldn't.
- But you will? - Don't make me ask.
Anything, Dad? Uh, no, I don't wanna be "pishing" all night.
"Pishing"? That's a funny word.
[CHUCKLES] It's not so funny at 2:00 in the morning or 4:00 or 6:00 or 6:30.
Oh, Martin, I don't think I "pish" enough.
It is amazing how your mother doesn't listen to a word you say.
I'm surprised your father hasn't gone on "Shark Tank" to patent his signature burp-and-blow.
[BELCHES, EXHALES] He has esophageal hysteria, you monster.
And they're not even gonna give us grandchildren.
Did we do something wrong? - Ha! Possibly.
- Yeah.
You know, I miss having someone to complain about my children with.
- Oh, I miss it too.
- [CHUCKLES] I talk to the beagles, but they don't know.
They don't have children.
[LAUGHS] That's funny, Marilyn.
Really? Oh, thank you.
You know, George always said I was only funny by accident.
- Mom? - Oh, another? Oh, I shouldn't really, but you made it, so [MUMBLES] Uh, kids, we were wondering, what did we do wrong? Wait, what what do you mean? Ah, you two, you're so enmeshed.
You're not married, you're not dating anyone.
Yeah, I mean, it's practically incestuous.
Well, I'd agree with that, except that we're not related and we don't have sex.
Oh, you you know what she means.
You live together, you work together.
You work together? Did did you quit the firm? - Oh, you didn't tell me that.
- I did, the day before I left, the day I left, - the day after I left.
- William, you did not tell me! I did! You just don't listen.
- You've never listened to me.
- Will, it's your mother.
Show a little [BELCHES, EXHALES] Show a little respect! God, Dad! You do realize that you're doing that in front of people? - What can I do? I'm musical.
- Play something else! Grace, it's not feminine to talk that loud Or to use your arms to stand up.
You know, I don't remember you whispering at dinner, when you were going on about Roger's butthole.
You know what, I didn't take the train into the city with my hip and my wrist to be insulted.
Roger, Paprika, - Dr.
Silly, come.
- [DOG BARKING] If you'll excuse us You know what? That was not nice.
That was rude.
I'm gonna go check on your mother.
I'd like to thank you again for inviting my dad.
My pleasure.
And thank you for inviting my mom.
Yeah.
I thought when I did it, "Oh, that'll show him.
" - I forgot that I live here too.
- Mm.
A "K.
" You really know how to romance a dame.
Incredible.
You even remembered the silent "L.
" You're torturing me.
Oh, I want you.
- I want you too.
- [GASPS] Then touch me.
No, you know the deal: no touching until you choose me, Karen.
Well, if you're not gonna touch me, then I'm not going to touch you.
- Fine with me.
- Me too.
So, you're gonna be okay if I never do this again? Ah ho.
- [BLOWS RASPBERRIES] - Oh [GASPING, MOANING] [LAUGHING] Oh! Mmm! All right, and here is something I will not be doing to you.
[GASPS] [GASPING] - Ha-ha! - Oh, God! Here's something else I will no longer be doing to you.
Ha-kah! Ah-ha! Ah! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Oh So cold, and yet, so hot.
Ooh? Ha-lah, ooh.
Ooh, oh-oh-oh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
- Oh? - No, Karen Mm.
Karen, you know I don't like that.
I was wrong! I love it, oh, Karen! - Oh, Malcolm! - Oh, Karen! - Oh, Malcolm! - Oh, Karen! Oh, Mal [HIGH-PITCHED] Colm [UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC] I'm back.
Do I look different? You look like Batman's least threatening nemesis, Gay Face.
Aww, thanks, Catty Woman.
I'm in love! His name is Estefan, and he's a flight attendant.
He served me warm nuts, and then put me in the - upright-and-locked position.
- [DOOR OPENS] Did I give you enough time to prepare them for me? - He's here? - Yes.
Estefan, come in, come in, come in.
Estefan, Will and Grace.
Will, Grace, Estefan.
So, this is Will.
Look at him with his square jaw and his wild mane of red hair.
What? No, I'm not I'm not Will.
I'm obviously a woman.
Well, maybe you are not the one to say what is obvious.
He's got you there, Grace.
Sir, could I get, like, a soft drink? Maybe something like a ginger ale? And please leave the can.
- I'll give it a look.
- You lied to me.
No, no, no, I didn't lie.
Will's not attractive.
I have a diet ginger ale.
Oh, then I'll just have fresh coffee.
Will I understand now, you're in great pain, because "Yack" shares his bed with me and not with you.
Ah, I'd rather share my bed with an actual yak.
Please, let me finish.
I believe, in time, with my heart, we can find a connection, and we can build a great friendship.
You both hate the idea of Meryl Streep - on "Big Little Lies.
" - It's too stunty.
- It pulls you out.
- Exactly.
See? And connection made.
- [CHUCKLES] - [PHONE DINGS] Oh, our cookies are ready.
This guy has a sweet teeth, but we must wait to eating, as they will be hot to the touch.
Sorry, none for you.
First class only.
[MOUTH SPUTTERS] Well, that'll be entertaining.
He thought I was a man.
Can we talk about that? It's late.
Let's drive past it.
All right, I'll get the blankets and pillows.
I'll take the TV room, you take the couch? Yep.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Wh what did you - Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! Oh, my your father is having sex with my mother! You can't get on top if you're not on board.
Oh! And, Will, there was something else, something that looked wrong.
- There's a beagle on the bed.
- Oh, thank God.
That's what was wagging.
Pour me another one, Smitty.
I've got the toughest decision I've ever had to make.
Have you made your choice? Oh, darling you make me feel so wonderful, and I cherish every moment that we spend together.
- It's Stan, isn't it? - [SIGHS] It is.
I adore you, Malcolm.
You're the perfect vacation, but Stan is my home and the surrounding properties.
I can't say that I'm not hurt, but may I kiss you good-bye? I don't think that would be a good idea.
How about I kiss Smitty and then you kiss Smitty, and by the transitive property, you and I would've shared one last kiss? Why, what a fabulous idea.
You know, I hear that's how Mike Pence and his wife have sex through his trainer.
What do you say, Smitty? Well, um um I I guess.
I'm really going to miss those gorgeous lips of yours.
[MOANING SOFTLY] You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
- Oh.
- Thank you.
And you're the sexiest man I've ever known.
- [MUFFLED] - [MOANS] [LIGHT PAT] #MeToo.
Sorry, Smitty, but, uh, buns of steel.
Titanium.
I sat on a rusty nail, and I lost my buttocks to tetanus.
[BOTH LAUGH] Smitty, you're divine.
[GIGGLES, SIGHS] Karen I'm gonna miss you.
Me too.
I guess no more "same time, next year.
" How 'bout same time, next lifetime? I'd like that.
[DOOR CLOSES] [UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC] - I haven't slept at all.
- Me neither.
That's the worst thing I've ever seen, and I've watched you eat lobster.
Have have you ever walked in on that before? Oh, yeah.
My dad is so cheap that every vacation, we would all stay in one room, and he would say, "Are the kids asleep, Bobbi?" We weren't asleep, Will.
- We were never asleep.
- Oh [SOBBING] Okay, okay, here's what we have going for us: my mother is the most repressed woman in the world; your your father is almost clinically deaf.
So they may not even know that we saw them? Yeah, and even if they did, they'll they'll never bring it up.
- [BEDROOM DOOR OPENS] - Okay.
- Good morning, everybody.
- Hi.
I have a big announcement to make.
My sister called, and Aunt Honey will not lose her foot.
- Great news.
- And we made love last night.
- Oh, God.
- [GROANS] First time with a Jewish man.
He was surprisingly Gentile.
- But that was his joke.
- That was my joke.
Can we please not talk about this? What? It's about time someone had heterosexual sex in this apartment.
I've had sex with a man in this apartment.
Uh, Grace, please, I don't wanna hear that.
- [DOOR OPENS] - So Jack, you know, we're going through something kinda personal at the moment.
Who are these old people? That's Will and Grace.
You met them yesterday.
No, the older ones, who look like they just had sex.
Oh good for you.
No! Not good for them.
Why? It's about time somebody besides me had sex in this apartment.
I've had sex in this apartment.
No one wants to hear that.
But let's talk about something more pleasant.
I have decided to move into the city to be closer to Martin.
What? No, no, no, no, you love Connecticut.
It's it's where 90% of the 1% live.
We wanna see where this goes.
And and we feel we wanna be more involved in your lives, be because, you know, clearly, pfft, they've gone off the rails.
You know what, Marilyn, they have, they really have.
Oh, by the way, this is my boyfriend, Estefan.
- Oh! - The pleasure is mine.
It's so nice to meet a woman in this apartment who actually looks like a woman.
- Ah, tell me about it.
- Daddy! Well, it was a compliment for my wonderful girlfriend.
- Girlfriend? This is crazy.
- Love is crazy! Love? You think you're in love after spending one night in bed together? We fell in love after one afternoon of standing up together, but it's not a contest.
- But did we win? - Yes, dear.
Oh, you see, honey? You're using them as an example? That just proves how crazy this is.
You're rushing into things, like teenagers.
Okay, I get it.
It's scary to be alone.
I mean, I lost my relationship with Leo; he lost his relationship with Vince.
You didn't lose them.
They ran away.
The point is that if we've learned anything from moving back in together, it's that the fear of never finding "the one" - can lead to bad decisions.
- Yeah, ex exactly.
Look, I I know you think we're a little incestuous, with the living together and the working together, but it works for us.
And whether or not we ever find true love, whatever the hell that is, I I know I will always have my best friend, and and and and if that's all I ever have, I'd still be a happy man.
Me too but I'll be a happy woman.
I am a woman.
- [MOUTHS WORDS] - [MUFFLED MUMBLING] - Does that make sense? - It does.
Marilyn, I don't wanna end up like Will and Grace.
What? Will, I wanna ask permission to marry your mother.
[LAUGHS] You are not getting it.
Eh! I don't need it! Marilyn, life is short, love is precious - Mm.
- So what are we waiting for? - Sweetheart, will you marry me? - She absolutely won't.
- Yes, I will! - This is a nightmare.
No, no, you wake up from nightmares.
I don't wanna be like Will and Grace, either.
I just met them and I don't want to be like them.
Martin's right.
Love is precious, and life is short.
Jack, what are you saying? Estefan, I love you.
I knew it the moment I met you - Oh [GIGGLES] - Yesterday.
Oh, will you make me the happiest man in the world and propose to me? Oh, no, no, no.
Of course, mi amor.
"Yack"will you marry me? What? Really? [CHUCKLES] Oh, my God, sí, sí, A thousand times sí! - [LAUGHS] - Oh, my Oh, God, it's a contagion.
Congratulations to the two of you.
Oh, and congratulations to the two of you.
Should we do a double wedding? No.
This calls for a celebration.
Where's your champagne? Um, Will and I will go get some.
- Where? - France.
Do you realize what's going on in there right now? All the people who know us the best are making life choices based on the fact that they do not want to be like us.
- [ELEVATOR DINGS] - Well, not all of them.
[GROANS] You two.
Oh, the day I've had.
Had to make a decision between my lover and my husband, and I chose my husband because I didn't wanna end up like the two of you.
See? Grace, there is nothing wrong with us.
We are good.
We're not enmeshed, and we're not too close, and our relationship is is is certainly not incestuous.
You know what I just realized? When your parents get married, the two of you will be brother and sister.
[CHUCKLES] We gotta make some changes.