Will and Grace s10e13 Episode Script

The Real Mccoy

1 "Will & Grace" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Hey, uh, I've got something I need to tell you guys about the wedding.
Oh, boy.
I think you should all be seated.
At my wedding! What! Whoo! Okay, I just finished the chart.
Karen and Grace, you'll be up front with your plus ones, Noah and Malcolm, and Will ooh.
This is a little Awkwafina.
You're way back at the, uh singles table.
[LAUGHS] I fully intend to bring someone to your wedding.
You do? Who? - I might find somebody.
- [CHUCKLES] I love that you think that.
Okay, girls and girls, I gotta get out of here.
I got an election to illegally ri whoops, almost said it out loud.
I'm gonna go call some designers and drum up votes.
Once again, I find myself begging gay men to love me.
So you came all the way down here just to rub it in my face that I'm at the singles table? Nobody's rubbing anything in your face, which is why you're at the singles table.
You're loving this, aren't you? You get married, me not having anybody.
Absolutely not.
I take no joy in letting you know you're sitting [LIGHTLY] at the singles table.
You can't even say it without smiling.
Of course I can.
You [SINGSONGY] uh Are at [LAUGHING] Singles table.
[UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC] Will, our building is on the news.
- [NEWS THEME PLAYS] - What? Wow, that is our building.
Bird lovers are talking about this nest on the Upper West Side where an extremely rare red-tailed hawk awaits the arrival of her chicks.
With temperatures dropping, it's imperative that those eggs are always kept warm.
That's why mama bird must sit on those eggs at all times.
Otherwise they may not hatch at all.
Thank you, Angela.
And finally it's time for "The Real McCoy.
" That's McCoy Whitman.
You went out with him.
Yeah, once, but he's just into meaningless hookups with hot, superficial dumb-dumbs.
So he's a guy.
And that's when I realized I've been wrong all these years.
This is actually my best side.
That's why I go, "It's time for 'The Real McCoy.
'" See what was the question again? If you have any brothers or sisters? Yeah, one brother.
Also a newscaster.
Smaller market.
Is he jealous? I'd rather not say.
- He is.
- Okay.
- I like you.
- I like you too.
So you don't have to do this.
- Do what? - Impress me.
Convince how successful and attractive you are.
Can't we get past the surface stuff? I wanna know the real Real McCoy.
Nobody ever wants to know what's on the inside.
Well, I do.
That stuff matters.
Well, it hasn't been easy for me.
Here, let me show you a picture of me in high school.
Maybe you'll see where I'm coming from.
Oh, I get it.
We all had those awkward teen years.
I had zits and braces and Holy scoliosis! You were gorgeous! Exactly.
I've always been this good looking.
You'd have called me the wrong name in high school, and I would have let you.
And this has been rough for you how? Because this is all people see me as.
They don't want to hear about who I am or what I feel.
But you do.
I knew there was something special about you.
That's why I couldn't stop thinking about you.
And then we're doing a story about that hawk, and it's on your building.
It was like fate.
I knew that I needed to see you again [CRYING] because you see me.
[SOBBING] You really see me.
[WEEPING] Thank you.
Okay, okay.
[BLOWS THROUGH NOSE LOUDLY] [SNIFFLES] Okay, is this what you're looking for? Sure, but [CLEARS THROAT] [SIGHS] I'm sorry.
I need a minute.
You've peeled back the first layer.
I can't wait to show you the others.
[ELEVATOR DINGS] - Hello, Grace.
- [HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM] Val, I didn't see you squeezed in the corner back there.
Why so jumpy? No reason.
Just things you've said, done, stolen from my garbage.
Oh, yeah.
[CHUCKLES] Well, it turns out my "erratic behavior" and "violent tendencies" were caused by a Vitamin B deficiency.
I'm way better now.
Were you given that diagnosis from a "real doctor"? Or from "your cat"? Cats can't be doctors, only nurses.
Besides, that's the old Val.
The new Val just wants to be friends.
Oh, by the way, good luck in the election.
How do you know about that? Well, years ago when I could only self-soothe by pretending to be you, I became a designer and joined the Guild.
Again, old Val.
- So you're a voting member.
- Mm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- Can I count on your vote? - No, I'm still undecided.
New Val really likes - to think things through.
- [ELEVATOR DING] [UPBEAT JAZZY MUSIC] [TAPPING RAPIDLY] Val is a voting member? This is a disaster.
Would it have killed you to be nice to her? Maybe.
I think she wanted to make me into a Slim Jim.
Damn it, Grace.
Don't you know what's at stake here? This is the Presidency of the people who tell people where to hang wallpaper! [TAPS CLIPBOARD] So what are we supposed to do? "We" aren't supposed to do anything.
Mama will take care of this.
So what, you'll talk to her? [LAUGHS] Oh, I'll talk to her.
Nothing shady or underhanded.
Nothing shady.
[CLICKS TONGUE TWICE] Or underhanded.
Oh, God, this is so hard.
I want to win so much, but at what cost? Oh, get it together, Grace! We're so close I can smell victory! Fine.
Do what you have to do.
But I don't want to know about it.
Hey, um, I felt really bad about how I acted yesterday, so I wanted to bring you your wedding invitation in person.
[MUMBLES] Thank you.
"Will Truman plus zero.
" You had this printed? [UNEVENLY] It does not make me happy, Will.
And, hey, there's nothing wrong with the singles table.
And you'll be the oldest one.
You can be their leader.
Yay! You know what? I'm not gonna be at that table.
I will be inviting the hottest guy in New York to be my plus one.
Of course you are.
Oh, I've seen this movie.
On the day of the wedding, he'll suddenly be called back to Canada.
[GUFFAWING] [COUGHING] It's McCoy Whitman! - Hi, Jack.
- Yeah, yeah, we're on a date.
But before you go, uh, McCoy, short notice, but Jack's getting married soon, and I wondered if you wanted to go with me.
Yeah, I would love to.
But you don't know when it is! It could be very inconvenient for you.
- I can make it work.
- Put me down for a plus one.
How nice.
I guess I'll just put you at the celebrity table with J.
Lo, Cher, and "Teen Wolf" 's Tyler Posey.
Jack, it's your wedding.
It's not like everybody's gonna be looking at my hot plus one and not the sweaty groom with anxiety farts.
You're loving this, aren't you? No.
Not at all.
[LAUGHS] - You don't really have to go - [SOBBING] Okay, McCoy, broadcast face.
[BREATHES DEEPLY] First you open my heart, and then you invite me to your best friend's wedding.
This is a huge step for us.
For us? You know, McCoy, I think - we should just - Let's go to bed, Will.
[SCOFFS] Okay.
Sorry I missed you.
I just wanted to say thanks for the flowers and the champagne and the fun socks.
I, uh I assume the little stick figure men holding hands are us.
It's all it's a little much for me.
- And - [KNOCKING AT DOOR] Uh, just call me.
Okay? We need to talk.
I was just leaving you a message.
I know.
I didn't pick up because I knew I was gonna see you in a second, and then I get to hear your voice again later.
Aw, that's scary.
[LAUGHING] You're so funny.
And smart and handsome and kind.
- How did I get so lucky? - Not always so nice.
Look, the message I was leaving No, stop.
Look, I'm new to this.
And maybe this is wrong, but I am feeling so much right now.
I just need to say these words out loud before I burst.
I think I need to say my thing first.
No, Will, I have never said these three words - to any man before in my life.
- Then don't.
- I love you - Please.
Please don't.
There it is, there it is.
I love you, Will Truman.
Again, new to this.
Does the other person always take this long to respond? [JAZZY MUSIC] [KNOCKING AT DOOR] Hello, Grace.
It's me, Val.
I wasn't sure you'd recognize me in my fancy clothes.
No, I'm just kidding.
I knew you'd recognize me.
Val, you look amazing.
So, um, did Karen talk to you, by any chance? Yes, she did, and thank you for telling her to buy me these things so that I would vote for you.
Oh, I didn't tell her to do that.
Oh, when you're lying, you have to go like this [CLICKS TONGUE TWICE] at the end.
- Yeah, but I'm not lying.
- No, like this "I'm not lying.
" [CLICKS TONGUE TWICE] You'll get it.
Okay, well, um, so do I have your vote? Sorry, I can't vote for a dirty politician.
Yes, Judith, Will's bringing him to the wedding.
Ugh! Yes, he's cute! No, you cannot sit at his table! I'm in a lot of pain, moth hey, buddy.
Sorry, Jack.
It looks like I won't be coming to your wedding after all.
Will dumped me.
It's opposite day.
[CHUCKLES] It's my fault.
I came on too strong.
I've known him two days, and I already know his mother's name, where she lives, and what her house looks like on Google Earth.
At least you don't know what Kevin Bacon's garbage smells like.
[LAUGHS] I'm such an idiot.
And I really liked him.
You poor dear boy.
You know, you remind me of a slightly older version of myself.
You think I'm older than you? 'Cause I was born in Let's not get caught up in math, kay? Look, I know what it's like to fall in love for the first time.
It's like when you first try cotton candy, and you think, "This is all I want to eat and I want to eat it all right now!" And your mom's like, "You're gonna get sick.
" And you'll all, [YELLS] "I know my own body, Judith!" And you end up with blue vomit all over your clothes.
But you got to ease into it, you know? If you really want to make it work with Will, let him know you're willing to take it slow.
Why are you helping me? Kind of got the sense that you're rooting against us being together.
Whaaat? Weird.
Will's my best friend, and you seem like a decent guy, As much as it kills me to say this because I'm rooting against you, he deserves to be happy.
Thanks, Jack.
I have to tell you I'm very disappointed in you, Grace.
I need some air.
This is just a big misunderstanding, Val.
I mean, we have history.
You hit me in the head with a snow globe, and that's friendship.
Is that a drone delivering a pizza? They do that now? - What are you doing? - I can't let you win, Grace.
The Guild deserves a leader with a moral compass like me.
You can't just show up and run at the last minute.
Article 172 of the bylaws says that I can.
We have bylaws? Yes, we do, as established in Article 1.
- Good-bye, Grace.
- Wait, Val! No! [BANGING, RATTLES HANDLE] Val, come on! Oh.
Oh, no.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
[GRUNTS] Okay, I can do this.
[LENGTHY GASP] [WAILS] I can do this.
Just have to get to the window.
And then I'll be on the staircase that smells like diapers, and I can handle that.
The hawk.
[GASPS] You're so beautiful.
[HAWK CAWS] Oh! Oh, no! Come back! Your babies will freeze if they're left uncovered! Freezing your eggs should not be an impulse decision! Who's gonna keep them warm now? Aw, crap.
Grace, I know you always tell me not to leave long, rambling messages, but you gotta listen to this one.
I don't know what to do about McCoy.
The guy's way too into me after one date.
You think sleeping with him when he was vulnerable and in tears was sending a mixed message? Oh, here he is on the TV.
God, he's pretty.
You know, this isn't a problem.
Don't call me back.
So we're left with the question: With the mother hawk nowhere in sight, how much longer can the woman squatting over the eggs continue to keep them warm? What are you looking at? This is what a good New Yorker does.
Well, this was bound to happen sooner or later.
Oh, God.
Oh! I forgot about you.
[HAWK CAWING] Mama bird, you're back! Hi! Look! Look! I kept them warm for you.
[HAWK CAWING] What's that look in your eye? [HAWK CAWING] No! [SCREAMING] [JAZZY MUSIC] - Hello, Karen.
- [LAUGHS] Do you like my new outfit that I bought with my own money? [CLICKS TONGUE] I do, and I don't expect anything in return.
[CLICKS TONGUE] [BOTH LAUGH] It's so nice to finally play with someone - who gets the rules.
- Yeah! Okay.
Now, now, everyone, can I please have your attention? I have no idea where Grace is, probably in a bar.
Uh but I don't know for sure, but since she's not here, I feel compelled to throw my hat into the ring.
Damn you, Article 172! [SIGHS] And speaking of Grace, what kind of a person throws a victory party for herself in her own office for an election and doesn't even show up? What's that? [RASPY VOICE] "A crazy person!" Sir, sir, that's not fair.
I don't like that one bit.
But I must say that I do agree with you.
It is a little crazy.
Who are you calling crazy? This wackadoo locked me out on a ledge, and then I had to sit on hawk eggs and keep them warm, and I sang to them, and I loved them in my own way.
[BREATHING SHAKILY] And then the mommy hawk came back, and did she thank me? No Honey, cheer up.
You had to know this was gonna happen.
No, I didn't know I was gonna win.
They knew I was corrupt, and they voted for me anyway.
Honey, they voted for you because you're corrupt.
Where have you been? You know what? I'm gonna redeem myself.
It'll take a lot of work, but I'm up for the challenge.
Stop moping.
You're President of the Helena Bonham Carter something something.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR] McCoy? Look, I know I've been going too fast.
And I know saying "I love you" to someone you've gone on two dates with is crazy.
I went too far, and I freaked you out.
Jack helped me realize that.
- Jack? - Yeah.
He said that relationships are like cotton candy and that I shouldn't give up on us.
Jack McFarland? Yeah.
He's a pretty deep guy.
Jack McFarland, the jumpy ferret-man who lives across the hall? Yeah.
Look, the truth is, I've never been in a real relationship before.
I don't really know how to be.
Well, you're doing pretty good right now.
So what do you say? Can we give it another shot? [CLEARS THROAT] Yeah.
I'd like that.
But let's just take it slow.
Okay? Fewer gifts and on-air declarations.
Got it.
So I'll call you.
Where are you going? I thought you wanted to take it slow? Let's talk about it tomorrow.
I'm in the mood for cotton candy.