Will and Grace s11e02 Episode Script

Pappa Mia

1 "Will & Grace" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
[JAZZY PIANO MUSIC.]
If you see the waitress, can you tell her I never got my toast? Here, have one of mine.
I know that tongue has been nowhere, so I'm fine with it.
McCoy and I have been talking about baby names.
He likes Alice.
Wow, lucky kid, having two dads, just like Jesus.
Mm.
And she'll have a Mary right across the hall.
- But this one ain't a virgin.
- Ha-ha.
Of course, Phallus could be a boy.
You are carrying low and wide.
A son.
My son.
Oh, I'll teach him everything a boy should know: the difference between good and bad fats How to fold a pocket square into a perfect peak, poof, or point.
"Peak, Poof, or Point" was the name of my one-man show.
I left during Poof.
Oh, then you missed the whole Point.
- Coffee? - Sure.
Oh, I'll teach him the importance of the Dollys, both "Hello" and Parton.
Yeah.
Yeah, I can definitely see myself raising a son.
Say when.
Hey, here's a crazy think-a-doo.
What if he's a straight boy? When.
When.
Ow! Will, stop! [UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC.]
[LAUGHING.]
It's not funny, Karen.
Grace, you're pregnant.
It's hilarious.
So, have you broken the news to Will yet? Yep, and he's having a baby too.
That's kind of how it works.
When a gay man loves his hag very, very much No, no, this isn't Will's baby.
Oh, well, I just figured since you share towels that Basketball? Oh, you poor old man.
You need me to teach you how to Google porn again? Last time you did that, I ended up on a list I'll never get off.
You know what? You got off.
That's all I'm hearing.
I'm watching it because this is what fathers do with their straight sons.
They watch sports, so I need to educate myself.
If my son wants to talk sports, then I will be fluent in all things sports.
All right, well, I love baskets.
- I love balls.
- And snap, the job's a game.
I used to love watching the fellas shoot hoops in high school, especially when it was skirts and skins.
You mean, shirts and skins.
No wonder I got beat up so much.
So, who's the "lucky" guy? And I mean lucky ironically, like when you call a huge guy tiny.
[LAUGHS.]
His name's Marcus.
He's the guy I followed on the plane, and then we spent an incredible week together in Rome.
Ah, Rome.
You know, Stanley and I honeymooned there.
Everywhere he sat, he created a new ruin.
Okay, well, he's gonna be here any minute.
- So I need you to - Help you trap him.
I'm not trying to trap him.
Not in that outfit, you're not.
Although it might play on his sympathies.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Quick, look desperate.
Oh, perfect.
Go.
Take your vodkaccino.
- Grace.
- Marcus.
Wow.
Did you get prettier since the last time I saw you? - I mean, is that even possible? - I did, it is, - and thank you for noticing.
- Yeah, yeah.
Ugh, gym class was awful.
Remember being terrified of getting a boner in the shower? I used to pull my daisy-covered shower cap over my eyes so I wouldn't see anything.
Constantly.
And when I did, I was like, "I'm just thinking of my girlfriend.
" "Like you have a girlfriend, McFarland.
What's her name?" "Uh, Judith.
" "That's your mom's name.
" "Yeah, and I bought them both the same bracelet.
" I was the worst with fake girlfriend names.
My go-to was "The Facts of Life.
" I dated Tootie in junior high, freshman year was Blair, and I lost my virginity to my sexy neighbor Mrs.
Garrett.
Edna was insatiable.
She took the good and she took the bad.
We had some fun, didn't we? It was perfect.
Grace, let's do it again, right now.
You and me, tomorrow morning, Corner Café in Paris, the streets still wet from a morning rain.
Oh, can it be sunny? I've got this hair.
Whatever you want.
What do you say? Marcus, I'm pregnant.
Oh, um wow.
Mm.
That's amazing.
That's such wonderful news.
I'm so happy.
- You are? - Yeah, totally.
So who's the father? Well, you are.
Me? Oh, no, no, not me.
No, can't be me.
No, I had a vasectomy.
A vasectomy? What was that? Nothing! Squeaky, old pipes.
I should fire them! [HIGH-PITCHED BEEP.]
- Hot tea.
- That sounds lovely.
Did you do any sports with your dad? Once.
We were in the park, and he threw me a basketball.
I caught it, kissed it, then thanked the Academy, and dropped it on the ground.
I just remember the look of embarrassment on his face.
I never wanna see that look from my son.
That's why I gotta learn this stuff.
Say when.
Hey, here's a crazy think-a-doo.
What if he doesn't just wanna watch sports, he wants to play sports with you? When.
When, when! [JAZZ PIANO MUSIC.]
I knew kids would limit my freedom.
Plus, my family has this long history of serial killers and left-handedness.
Such a bad combo.
I mean, try to find a pair of scissors to kill with.
We also have a history of making jokes at the wrong time.
Look, I don't know much about vasectomies, but isn't possible that one sperm survived? You know, like that Japanese soldier who didn't know that the war was over.
I don't know.
I mean, the brochure said, "All sperm dead or your money back.
" So you're not the father.
I'm not.
Okay.
Hey, you are gonna be a fantastic mom.
- Oh, I hope so.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, you'll be great at feeding it and cleaning up after it and taking it for walks.
I only ever had dogs.
Take care.
You too.
So it is Will's.
It is not Will's, but I was so sure that it was Marcus'.
I mean, the frequency, the timing.
I mean, we did sink stuff.
Well, then who is the father? Who's the dude who hit snooze on your biological clock? I don't I don't know.
Grace, how many candidates are there? - Two.
- How many donuts did you eat? - Two.
- So it's three? Yeah.
Three guys, one is the father.
[GASPS.]
Mamma mia.
It's just like "Mamma Mia!" Here I go again I don't even know how to find these guys.
- How can I resist you - Stop.
Mamma mia, does it show - Karen.
- My, my Just how much I missed you ["MAMMA MIA" MELODY PLAYS.]
BOTH: Yes, I've been brokenhearted Blue since the day we parted Why, why, did I ever let you go [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Hey, honey.
You like my lab coat? Do you need my pee again? No way.
Last time, it tested positive for Oreos.
Anyway, you know how much we adored "Mamma Mia!"? And you know how I'm rich and bored and have no moral compass? What did you do? Come on in, fellas! Those are the men I slept with in Europe.
Shh.
They think they won a boat.
[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC.]
Oh, hey.
You ready to play some b-ball? B-ball? More like C-ball.
What is going on with those shorts? Oh, cute, right? I got 'em at a vintage store.
Oh, to have been alive in 1976.
- You were alive in 19 - Oh, to have been alive.
Should we play? How does basketball start? Oh, we know this.
Two, three, four.
BOTH: Brrr, it's cold in here.
There must be some homos in the atmosphere.
Hey, Jack.
Hey, Theodore.
Just shooting some hoops with my buddy Will here.
He's gonna be a dad soon, so he's freaking out that his son might be straight.
- That whole thing.
- I'm not freaking out.
I just don't want my son to be embarrassed of me.
So I gotta get good at sports in case he's born theatrically-challenged.
So you brought this guy to teach you how to play basketball? Gee, maybe I can teach you how to play ice hockey a little later.
Ooh, I didn't even think of hockey.
That'd be great.
That was a joke, because I'm black.
I really appreciate you not getting this, but I'm just saying there's no way Jack's any good at Oh, did I just put the ball in the thing? Okay, that was one lucky shot, but there's still no way that Jack is any good at this.
I bet you're both wondering why I'm so good at this.
- No, I already know, it's - It all started in 2011.
I auditioned for the role of Troy in a local production of "High School Musical.
" My audition song, "Get'cha Head in the Game.
" Final moment, a perfect basket.
I worked for weeks and weeks, and at the end of my audition, this swish made the perfect swish.
So you got the part? No, I did not.
I believe their feedback was, "You are not a student at this high school.
" The point is I made myself good at basketball, and Will can too.
Well, all right, I'll leave you all to it, and I'm digging the '70s outfit.
Fabulous decade, kills me to have missed it.
- But aren't you - I missed it.
Let's meet our contestants, shall we? First, we have Mario, a transportation executive, or in Italian, a taxi driver.
Next, we have Paolo, a hotel pool boy.
[LAUGHS.]
He could fish dead frogs out of my trap any ol' day.
And finally, we have Steve Buscemi on his best day ever Who was travelling in Europe with his family.
- You're married? - No.
I was with my mom and dad.
- You said you were 30.
- You said you were 30.
We're talking about you, young man.
How old are you? I'm a senior in college.
Oh, God, thank God.
I thought we were getting a boat.
I see no boat.
Where's the boat? Okay, this is good.
Let's play a little one-on-one.
Okay, so, I'll be me and you be my straight son.
Okay, great.
Let's start by passing the ball back and forth, but first, allow me to build my character, okay? I'm a straight teen who's embarrassed by his queer dad.
And found him.
[IN DEEP VOICE.]
Hurry up, gay dad.
I wanna go home and watch an Adam Sandler movie on Netflix with my girlfriend who I cheat on.
Perfect, perfect.
Okay, ready? Throw harder.
Why don't you pretend it's something you can't stand, like a boob? How would I pass you a boob, a-and why? Pass it! Lame.
Ugh, why did I have to have a gay dad? Gordo's dad likes sports and has a drinking problem, and I'm stuck with you.
I don't like this anymore.
- Just pass me the ball.
- Jack.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
Come on, Will.
Is that the best you can do? You are embarrassing! Ow! I'm so sorry.
Are you okay? Ow.
My finger feels a little funny.
Huh, that's not right.
- Jack! - [BODY THUDS.]
- Come on, buddy.
- [EXHALES.]
What happened? Oh, right.
[BODY THUDS.]
Here we go.
Oh, thank God.
For a minute there, I thought [BRIGHT PIANO MUSIC.]
I have some good news and some bad news.
The bad news is, there is no boat.
The good news is, two of you aren't the father of Grace's fossil baby.
But it's not me.
I never sleep with this woman.
- Yes, you did.
- But I don't remember.
You picked me up in your cab, and you took me back to your place.
The next morning, we ate cold pizza and watched the sunrise over the Trevi Fountain.
It was kind of wonderful.
If you say so.
I remember you, changed my life.
See? That's more like it.
Being with you, I realize I don't like the women.
I like the men.
Congratulations, Gracie.
You turned another one gay.
- You can't turn people gay.
- I can't, but you can.
All right, gentlemen, moment of truth.
Let's get some DNA samples.
Open up.
Thank you.
You're next.
Wait, let me take out my retainer.
Oh, my God.
There we go.
All right, and now you.
Oh, my God, my pinkie.
And this is my tea hand.
Jack, I'm so, so sorry.
Are they gonna cut it off? Should I take off my pants? I need a gown! Something mid-calf and low heel.
Okay, Jack, Jack, Jack.
Hey, hey, hey.
Listen to me.
It's gonna be all right, okay? Okay, I promise you.
Look, I stole this from a cart in the hall.
- Can you do the straw? - Of course I can.
I can't believe I got so upset and humiliated just pretending with you.
[SUCKING.]
I'm gonna be a disaster as a dad.
- Did you grab two? - Of course I did, buddy.
Where is that doctor? Look, I know you're worried that your son is gonna be embarrassed of you, but here's the thing, he absolutely will be.
Gay, straight, boy, or girl, every kid is embarrassed of their parents.
Huh.
At least you wanna bond with your kid.
You know how far ahead of the game that puts you? Has your dad ever shown an interest in anything you loved, like the theater or drying dishes? All you can do is show up, and you've already shown up before your kid is even born.
- Thanks, Jack.
- You're welcome.
[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC.]
I don't wanna be rude, but how do we know that we're the only three guys that she did? That's true.
It seemed like her "for hire" sign is light up all the time.
It could be ten, twenty, thirty guys.
What? How dare you? [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
You are the only three who could possibly be the father.
- I didn't have a vasectomy.
- And there was one more.
I panicked.
Grace, I'm so sorry, but I'm prepared to do the right thing.
I will give up all my hopes and dreams.
I will swallow the very essence of who I am, and I will marry you and I will help raise this baby.
Was that a proposal or a suicide note? Can it be both? Sorry, it's that jokes thing again.
Grace, I'm sorry, and I-I'm so sorry that I lied to you.
Did you also lie about the mass murderers and the left-handedness? Oh, it's the worst.
In Italy, we say [SPEAKS ITALIAN.]
- Who are these guys? - Oh, these are the other men that Grace slept with in Europe.
What? Oh, thanks.
[BRIGHT PIANO MUSIC.]
Sorry I was being so dramatic about my finger.
Probably didn't need to cry as much as I did.
Are you kidding? You cry as much as you want.
It was scary.
I was scared.
I'm gonna find that doctor.
- You're a good dad.
- Excuse me? I heard what you said in there.
So many fathers come in here with hurt little boys, yelling at them to act like men.
What does that even mean? I wish there were more dads like you.
Well, that's nice to hear.
Let's take a look at this little guy.
Does somebody want a lolli? Psych, already found 'em.
[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC.]
Yeah, no, that's right, Mother.
I was in the hospital.
Well, you'd know that if you ever read my texts.
[MOUTHING GIBBERISH.]
No.
I left my body, okay? I saw the light, Mother.
I met God.
Yes, I did, and he apologized for dropping me off with you when I was supposed to go to Barbra.
I could be Jason frickin' Gould right now.
I could be shopping in the underground mall, Judith! [ELEVATOR DINGS.]
Are you at the salon? No, I told you I wanted to do your hair this week.
No, don't be silly.
I'm never too busy for you.
Just leave now, I'll give you a quick blowout, and then we'll go to Souplantation, all right? Byeeee.
That's it.
In three weeks, you will find out which one of those guys is the father of your baby.
For what it's worth, I hope it's the young one, so that somebody's alive when the kid goes to college.
You going to the post office or What am I doing? This isn't gonna tell me who the father is.
I think that's exactly what it's gonna do.
No, no.
Will, biology doesn't matter.
If this baby has a father, it'll be someone I love, who wants to raise the baby with me.
And if that doesn't happen, I will give this child everything it needs.
You're right.
You don't need anyone else.
You got me.
You got McCoy.
And if Idris Elba wants to throw his hat in the ring, I will not kick him out of bed.
Perfect, so you got four of us.
We'll have to work out a shower schedule.
I guess you'll go first, then the three of us.
That was easy.
- I'm gonna throw it away.
- Uh allow me.
Who's embarrassed now, unborn child? That sounded weird, but it felt good.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Excuse me, ma'am.
Hi, D.
J.
My mom says that if I am the dad that I have to invite you to my fraternity formal.
Oh, come on.
It's at the Spaghetti Factory.
When is it? It's May 22nd.
The theme is the 2000s.
That's already a theme? Wait, did you sleep with him too? No, but trust me, I tried.