Will and Grace s11e09 Episode Script


1 "Will & Grace" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
I cannot wait to see Fiona.
I just love that she shares her life with me.
- I'm the cool aunt.
- Same thing with my nephews.
What is it about us? I'm not saying we're better than other people - No, of course not.
- Safe space? - Safe space.
- I think we're better than other people.
We are gonna be the coolest parents.
Hey, hos.
We're on our way to the airport.
Estefan's flying me first class to Miami for our one-year anniversary.
Sorry, our "one-queer-maniversary.
" Did you just think of that? Oh, that mind.
If they were all like you, I'd stop throwing marbles at the Pride Parade.
What is the traditional one-queer-maniversary gift by the way? - A mesh bodysuit? - Buttless chaps? A pump-top jug of lube? It's paper.
Uh, Karen, you're And forgive me for using the "C word" Flying commercial? Well, I'm in the baseball business now.
I'm one of the people.
I'm scouting a new third baseman.
He's coming in from Cuba, and he's due to walk out of the ocean first thing tomorrow morning.
We're not in the first row? That's okay, I'll just yell louder when I need Pilot to go left or right.
Oh, no, we're further back.
Row three? Where Melania puts Tiffany? Well, I survived missionary with Stanley.
I can survive this.
- Just follow me.
- What are you doing? Where are you going? There's nothing behind that curtain! It's just sky! We're in coach.
With the paychecks-to-paychecks? Auntie Grace! Oh, Fiona! Oh, you're so pretty.
My mom sends her love, by the way.
She did? No, but if she was able to love, I know she would.
Hey, Will.
Hey, sweetie.
I'm so excited for you guys to meet Trevor.
Trev? I'm gonna say hello, and we're gonna have hugs and love and talk, but first, I have to share some devastating news.
- What's what's wrong? - Brace yourself.
Previews for the "Devil Wears Prada" musical are totally sold out in Chicago and Atlanta.
You don't think I've already bought the tickets, T-shirts, and the shot glass? You, madam, have just won a Tony for best revival of my spirit.
- Mini Will and Grace.
- I don't see it.
Oh, really glad to finally meet you, and please call me Aunt Grace.
- Love this blue.
- Oh.
It's not just blue.
It's not turquoise.
It's not lapis.
It's actually cerulean! There's some overlap, yeah.
Shall I ring you if the contents of my compartment shift during flight? Oh, of course, my handsome first class passenger.
It would be my pleasure to help you adjust your bag.
Oh That's my husband.
It's our one-year anniversary.
Oh, congratulations! - So far, so good? - Oh, so good.
I always thought being married would make me feel like a badger in a trap that wants to bite his own foot off, you know? I been married 20 years.
Never once strayed.
Of course, if Sofia Vergara walked on the plane I don't follow.
Mm, number one on my hall pass list.
You know, celebrities you're allowed to cheat with.
The gay brethren have that too.
You'll never guess who's number one on my list.
It's Ryan Phillipe.
Oh, my God, that's right.
How in the world did you guess that on the first try? Excuse me, I'm in the window seat.
Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
Ryan can do it all.
I mean, blockbusters, Oscar-winners.
Iconic gay cult favorite.
Oh, his tush in "Cruel Intentions" was my '90s crack addiction.
This guy knows what I'm talking about, right? - You seeing anyone? - I am.
Well, now I'm intrigued.
Who, pray tell, might this "stealer of hearts" be? Why, Trevor Banks, don't you know? It's you, good sir! No, really, we're dating.
Oh! That's why we're in New York: we're looking for a place together.
Now they seem like us.
I just assumed from what Fiona told me You thought I was gay.
Everyone does.
I'm not I mean, I sleep with men, but I also sleep with women.
He's bi.
Oh! That's so cool! Isn't that cool, Will? Trevor's bi! Yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
I'm sorry if I bumped your arm.
Sometimes when I'm reading a script, I lose track of my physical body.
I can keep track of it for you.
Don't you think it's distractingly hot in here? I don't, but Glenn Close taught me how to regulate my surface body temperature through controlled breathing.
I'm always a perfect 72 degrees.
Like a human San Diego.
Funny, I've been told I'm a human San Francisco.
They're dating? Oh, bisexuality isn't even a thing.
It's like saying, "I'm a cat person and a dog person.
" Come on.
Gun to your head, you know what you want licking your face.
- Do we say something? - I can't.
I'm the cool aunt.
Well, that explains the outfit.
What? It's cool.
Yeah, you're super cool, Mrs.
I guess we just let them figure it out on their own? I think we have to.
You guys know of any one-bedrooms in the neighborhood? We're gonna start looking after we get married.
"Married"? You're you're getting married? He proposed at a Beyoncé concert.
I liked it, so I had to put a ring on it.
Fiona! I am so happy for you! - I'll take her.
- I got him.
I checked, and there are no open seats in first class.
And apparently, your Amex Black Card cannot get you helicoptered off the plane.
I don't like this.
There are way too many people in this tin can to keep it in the air.
It's just simple physics.
Planes were only meant to carry four passengers Three if DJ Khaled brings his leopard.
I need more air! I need more room! Oh! What was that? Did we just hit Santa Claus? I think you're having a panic attack.
I get them all the time Like during a power outage or when my mom sends one of her dogs after me.
It's my fault.
You shouldn't just assume that you're invited to Thanksgiving.
Don't be ridiculous.
I don't get panic attacks! I cause panic attacks.
Would you like something to drink? Oh, yes, thank God.
- Vodka, please.
- There you go.
They shrunk the vodka.
They shrunk the vodka! Hi, I'm back.
Sorry, I forgot I was on a plane.
I start filming the most challenging role of my career tomorrow.
I'm really struggling.
You know I'm an actor too.
Thank you.
Uh, if it's an issue having too many lines, I've found if you mess up enough, eventually, the director will take most of them away.
Problem is, I'm filming my first gay sex scene, and I have no experience to draw on.
See my, process is to experience everything my character does firsthand.
For "Crash," I spent three weeks doing ride-alongs with the LAPD.
For "Flags of Our Fathers," I gave my father a flag.
But if I don't find some way to have sex with a man on this flight, my performance is gonna be completely false.
Know anybody? Will you excuse me for one more second? You know, there was a period of time I thought I was bisexual.
- Really? - Oh, sure.
You know, I was dating Grace, and I convinced myself that I could I could actually choose to be with women.
How tragic.
I mean, you're so gay.
I I don't know about "so gay.
" You have whole bookshelf of books about butts.
Lot of those were gifts.
To myself.
The point is, sometimes saying you're bi can feel like a safe half-step when when you're scared to jump all the way in, but deep down, you know.
I mean, you're either a cat person or a dog person.
I'm more of a bird person.
That's not a legitimate answer.
You know, Will and I dated way back.
I didn't know Will was bisexual.
Oh, no, he was just gay, and I was into guys who like to clean and pick out my outfits.
- But you had sex? - Oh, no, no.
He always made excuses.
"I ate too much and now I'm insecure about my thighs.
" Wow, you really couldn't pick up on clues, could you? Let's focus on you.
So how about you guys? Everything okay in the bedroom? - I wish.
- Uh-huh.
He can't get enough.
He's like the Cookie Monster if cookies were The only time we stop is so he can take a bubble bath and watch "Pose.
" Oh, Fiona, sweetie, I just Can I just say how much I love that we can do this? I feel like Grandma Bobbi is up there smiling, singing one of her songs, 'cause you're kind of keeping the Adler flame alive.
"The Adler flame"? She used to say "Dear, never let anyone tell you "who to be or how to live, "and if they do, tell them to get out of your business or get out of the way!" That's the Adler flame, and I totally see it in you.
May it burn forever.
You're giving me permission to have sex with Ryan Phillipe? Yes, mi amor.
What good are any of the contracts we have made if we do not honor the sanctity of the hallway passes? So my husband is okay with me touching Ryan's "Philli-penis"? Si.
Hey, guys.
Um, we love how much you love each other.
There's just there's a big piece missing, and that's Trevor, you're not bisexual.
You're gay.
And Fiona, you're kidding yourself if you think that's not a problem.
And we're only saying this because we've been where you are, and it caused us a lot of pain.
Is that what you think, Aunt Grace? I think What you two have is beautiful.
Will, get out of their business and get out of their way.
- Feeling better? - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm feeling wonderful.
We're all gonna die while watching reruns of "According to Jim.
" It's the one where Jim loses his truck in an arm wrestling match! Well, that's a classic.
Walker, there's no difference between coach and first class.
Underneath, aren't we all just people no matter where we sit? Good lord, there is no barf bag big enough to hold what you just hurled up.
Don't you understand? I grew up with nothing.
Me and my doctors built me from the ground up.
I can't die in coach.
They'll find my body with the poors.
All mixed in with the tater tots and the Crocs.
This can't be the way my story ends.
It's not going to.
You just need to relax.
How do you expect me to relax? I only brought uppers.
It's too bad you don't have a service animal.
You mean like a maid? No, i-it's a pet that's been trained to comfort you.
Sometimes, holding on to a faithful companion who loves you unconditionally and only wants to serve you can help.
Like a gardener? Give me your hand.
Everything is going to be fine.
The plane is not going to crash, and even if it did, you know what your story would be? It would be about a rich, beautiful woman who was admired by all of Manhattan.
Keep talking.
It would also say that she had more enemies than friends, and that she was rumored to have been lovers with Jackie O.
I gave her that nickname, and Between you and me, the "O" didn't stand for "Onassis.
" Okay, um actually, before we get into this, um, I have an acting question.
Do you mind? Literally nothing is more important than an actor helping another actor get better at acting.
Yes, okay.
So, um, I was recently cast in the role of Estefan, a Spanish newlywed, whose spouse "Yack" is propositioned by a beautiful stranger.
Tennessee Williams? Sure, you can call the stranger whatever you want.
So when Yack tells Estefan that Tennessee Williams wants to have a down-and-dirty hook-up, uh, Estefan says go for it.
But this is my question: why doesn't Estefan have a huge problem with it? Shouldn't that bother him? Hmm.
Well, maybe Estefan's realized he's not cut out for marriage, and looking the other way is easier than admitting he's fallen out of love with I'm sorry, did you say "Yack"? Yeah.
I was afraid of that.
Are gays guys always this sad before sex? Honestly, more than you think.
Jack, stop.
Jack, look, I know I said am cool with this, but I am not cool with this, okay? I just handed out warm nuts to the guests without even giggling once.
I mean, I am falling apart, okay? Oh, me, too.
I should be absolutely ruining Ryan Phillipe right now, but I can't.
I don't care about some stupid hall pass anymore.
Marriage is more than just a piece of paper.
It's a promise that you're the only one I wanna be with.
Mi amor.
I'm sorry, Mr.
I'm sorry, my emotions are right on the surface.
That's why I'm such a good actor and so terrible at Texas hold 'em.
Are you as aroused as I am right now? Oh, beyond measure Because I did not bring the ruler.
You know what, I'll leave you two alone, because love means never having to say, "I'll wait on the toilet until you're done.
" Wait, um, if you want, you can stay and watch.
Really? You care that much about the accurate representation of the LGBTQ community onscreen? - That's why, yeah.
- Yes, sure.
How can you say he's not bisexual? He's dated more women than I have, and a lot of those women have dated a lot of the guys that he's dated.
What the hell is going on out there? I think what Will is saying And he brought this up.
I'm just clarifying.
If a man is attracted to men, he might be gay.
Again, his thoughts.
And Trevor, if you think you're just gonna "not be attracted to men" for the rest of your life, you're lying to yourself.
But that's any monogamous relationship.
You have to make a choice not to be with other people.
You're right, but the part of you that chooses to be with women is just responding to societal pressure.
It's the same reason we all watch "Big Little Lies.
" How can you say bisexuality's not real? It's right in the middle of LGBTQ.
Yes, I am familiar with the letters "LGBTQ.
" You rolled your eyes at the "B.
" You're prejudiced against bisexuals.
- I am not.
- Then acknowledge the "B"! I refuse to acknowledge the "B.
" The "B"s and the "Q's just haven't figured out if they're "L" or "G" yet.
Is that what you think, Aunt Grace? I think gender is between the ears.
How does that apply here? I don't know, I saw it on a T-shirt.
Fiona, sweetie, I'm so sorry, but in my experience, Will is right.
You guys, I just think you're a little confused.
If someone told you at 22 that you were "just confused" You weren't really gay What would you say? That I know who I am.
I'm 22, and I'm telling you, I know who I am.
Yeah, but that that Can't argue with that.
I love Fiona.
So get on board don't.
We're not really looking for your approval.
I know you guys are coming from a good place, but some of your ideas, they're just a little '90s.
Please don't say "the '90s" like it's the '50s.
Look, it's not your fault.
You're just a product of when you grew up.
You probably still use mousse.
- I have curly hair.
- Light pomade.
Ooh we gotta bounce.
Oh, you're leaving already? Where are you guys going? Stella McCartney's having an all-night pop-up in Chelsea.
And seeing this one in a Stella Mc Cartney Makes me pop up.
Babe that's like a "Will & Grace" joke.
I love you, tell your mom.
Ah, forget it.
Just intolerant of someone's sexuality.
I guess we are not as cool as we thought we were.
A-Although, when we were shamed into it, we were willing to learn.
That-that'll make us good parents.
And the good news is that by the time we need to talk about this with our kids, we'll be dead.
Or we'll be 114.
And popping all sorts of wonderful new pills.
Now that makes me pop up.
- See we are funny.
- I know!
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