Witless (2016) s03e02 Episode Script

Series 3, Episode 2

This him is it? This is your new lodger He'll have to work mind Dear Patrick, my name is Rosemary I am the editor of Vintage Bear Enthusiast Don't you show your face around here without a fucking Grand Get back into witness pro And this time you will be co-operating fully I'd like to request that Rhona and I Live separately from now on If we go our separate ways that will be it Here you are lads, he's come home! Hello If you are watching this video You've just received the powerful news That you will be living in witness protection Long term Look I'm not going to patronize you That's tough, but there is a siver lining Or should I say, Platinum lining Because you've just qualified For Witpro platinum level So, what are the benefits Well, for a start, 10,000 metro points loaded on to your card - today These Cafe Nero cards are all stamped up, and there must be 12-15 of them in here A reconditioned iphone5S, with no more than one previous owner Orange Wednesday, didn't they stop doing them? Not for you Subs; peterfromspain Get your thumb out your ass, it's time to work Da, why's he wearin a top? Why are you wearin yer top? Yer a man aintya? Now, I'm really excited for you folks to see this one As you can see, there's lots of light, lots of space Now, erm, who's the cook? So, Casa mama's Jerk Burger Pizza deluxe calzone So if I can just get your autograph there and there sticky finger ribs Congrats guys Come on! And three bottomless pepsies I wanna feck you I wanna feck you in the night I wanna feck you under the covers There she is, the superstar Have you seen it? And that is every branch in the southwest, not just ours My god! My chin looks so fat Ama, does my chin look fat? You look gorgeous right, come on, lunch, we're celebrating Put Archie in his cage and give him a dental stick I want to try that new place next to Tiles, Tiles, Tiles Come on in 1960's I believe 40's I'd say The full pageant suede in the late fities Collecter? No, no I'm not And of course, it's not plumbed in is it? It's only a blummin show house So I called Gary Now don't laugh, Gary Hi guys, I just want to tell you about our, erm About our, erm, specials We've got erm, Bread And erm, Screaming hot fingers? Just reading off the board Not trying to do your job or anything Whatever yor name is Imogen Imogen? you choose that yourself? Er, no My parents did I'll just , give you a minute and come back for your order ooh, I could eat another one of them, honestly If we weren't going back to work! I'm disgusting! Hi, sorry, I've just got your bill, whenever you're ready Flying ants, the fucking bastards are everywhere upstairs Have a listen to this one Right, say you open a brewery, that one partner so happens to own You pay for beer that he never gives you Make a couple of grand disappear every week, easy Not bad, not bad, see I told yer, fucking smart this one That college's loss is our fucking gain Well, fuck me Look who it is Long time no see Hope you aren't coming here fuckin empty handed son Not on flying ants day I'm in a bad enough mood as it is Where the fuck do you think you're going? 940, 960, 980 Nah, I counted it a few times and there was a thousand pound there Give me ten minutes And I'll be back here with 20 pounds Fucking sick of that twat See if there's any fucking decent bread in the place A bit of toast wouldn't go amiss The fucking bastard Frank! Come on Paddy, let's get him moved Put him on there, come on then Wait!, wait a moment Ready? Get his arse in there I've got my arms stuck Stop, stop! Lean forwards so I can get my fucking arms out Now let's get his legs in, ready? Er, thanks Hey! Hi! Thanks For coming back My shift finishes and I Do you want to? Yeah Well, I'll just I'm really sorry again You know, about It's forgotten I think I probably over-reacted a little bit I've missed you I've missed you too Stop it! You're going to start me off! I've been such a bitch I've been a bitch Can we be friends again? It's just, it's so hard you know! So hard Here, blow your nose on this We'll be closing here in a minute Do you want to come back to mine? I've got a juicer Yeah Mr.
Slick what's your real name? Adrian Adrian Like a film star What's it like in the city? I expect you're always brawling in the night clubs Have you ever met Kanye West? I've like a dream It's nothing One day, I want to get a bus And go to Claire's accessories Go to Claires accessories and try everything on Heard you killed a man You're an outlaw too Wow! Is this your flat? Yeah They gave you this flat? Good god no! Shoes You're not still living in the flat they gave you are you? Yeah I'm really lucky you see cos I work in Lettings So I get to see the good stuff as it comes in I could help you out actually What's your budget? Oh my god!, there's this office dog Archie, it's a french bulldog It belongs to the office so Some times I take him home, sometimes Trish does We got him different jumpers every day Look at his little face! Yeah, that is so great I'm really happy for you Thanks, and you You've got lovely hair I can't take any more I'm sorry I didn't want to get all We are never going home, are we? Well, you know The police are trying to catch Whealan aren't they Yeah, and have been for about 15 years And even if they do catch him, what then? He'll just be running the show from the inside Well there's not much we can do There's no point crying about it is there? There is something we can do, there is I've been thinking about it We have to get rid of Whealan For good We need to kill him I'm sorry I'm no lawyer but I'm pretty sure that's way illegal Well, what choice do we have? Rhona If you'd asked me a year ago did I want to live in witness protection Seven times out of ten I would have said No, of course not But, I'm making the best of it Bad stuff happens It's how you react to it that counts I'll give you a lift home Dear Patrick, you are a goodhearted young man Dear Rosemary Sorry for the slow reply Many thanks for your kind words You might get a kick out of this I was passing an antique shop When I saw a 1940's Merrythought in near mint condition Dear Patrick Lovely to hear from you Such a knowledgeable young man Come' ere There's something I want to show you Come on, I won't bite yer Close the door This is me bra It was mammy's before she left Nice And when you've finished in that top field I want Jesus, Mary and the holy St.
Joseph! You dirty little bastard! Thomas get in here and get a hold of this prick Keep him away from her You'll be married on Sunday You'll be married on Sunday Fuck me That one of the fuckin? Stupid fuckers Shall we vacate to my office and plot An appropriate course of fuckin action? I'm out boys You win again Trish, come and have a look at this Just watch that video Keep watching And look at the kittens face Ama, have you seen this? Do you fancy a coff Trish, I'm doing one for myself No ta, I've already had as many as I can manage today Oh Archie Hello sir, how can I help? Was it sales or lettings you wanted? Trish! Oh my God, thank god you're ok! Come in It was on TV, I thought it was you, a woman's been shot Oh my God!, that's Trish, that's Trish It's ok, she's ok, they said that she's awake And talking in hospital It was horrible, it was so close It's ok, you're safe now They were trying to kill me Rhona I know, it's ok, you're safe now Yeah All right? I did manage to get the bastard in the head With a coffee machine though Ok, have a seat, I'll make you a Ribena Make it hot I just hope Trish is ok I cant even go see her can I? I can't go back to the office The flat I love that flat! That's it innit Lianne This is what I meant We can never build lives in here The only alternative is if Whealan is Gone Rhona, no! We can't We're not Killers Oh, look this is it Oh God! that's my office Turn it up, turn it up! Oh, yeah, sorry, I forgot about that A dog got shot Right I want Whealan's shitty bloody head On a fucking spike! We get guns I don't know where The NLL? And go into that pub, open fire And I'll be like; this is for Archie Alright Clive Owen sit down Look, I've been thinking about this A lot Even if we could kill Whealan We would almost certainly face retaliation From one of his lackeys afterwards Not to mention the whole matter of life imprisonment Then, what? What if somebody else killed him? What if we could maybe Make that happen But who? There's another gang Think about it Lianne The guy in the ice-cream van The one we saw get shot There's another gang