Wizards vs. Aliens (2012) s01e09 Episode Script

Mystah elblazion zar-hah! Barach coushar dry far-ga.
Mezloch mas tarn-a-vah! Now, don't muck this up, Ursula! Then these alerts start flashing and my laptop goes crazy! Turn it off and on again! It wouldn't turn off, that's the point! And then I discover the culprit.
You have got to see this.
It could be big.
With some work, we can use it against the Nekross.
- CRASHING - What was that? A ragon-ta! Gran! Come on! - What is that red light? - No idea.
Kaliz-ataban-al-nah! Gran? Wheesht ye, imps! Be shutting your bogholes! - What's going on? - The Mistress is casting a spell of mighty power.
Pharrikon-tah! - Mighty power? Is anyone getting worried? - Sssh! The spell will be crescending! Mefistor Ad-am-drach-Nekross-dah! Ah! Oh! I've done it! Done what? I have dispatched the Nekross, Tom! I've done it! I've really done it! They're gone.
Gone for ever! I first got the idea from the Hazelwitch Grimoire.
I remembered it contained a complete directory of Be-Gone spells.
- You blew them up? - Of course not, Thomas.
That would be quite against the principles of wizard law.
No, I knocked their spaceship far, far away! Hold on.
Magic doesn't work on the Nekross.
Or their ship.
But Magic will be working on the energies of the Earth! Such as the Falling Force! You mean gravity? You cast a spell at the moon that altered its gravitational field.
Then used that to propel the ship into space.
That's brilliant! Thank you, Benjamin.
By now the Nekross and all their nastiness will be on the far side of for ever.
- Moon, look in the mirror.
Search for their spaceship.
- A mere formality! Congratulations, Mistress! Your great power will have dispatched the Nekross! They have been departed .
.
one furlong.
WHISPERS: How far is a furlong? - About 200 metres.
- Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
CACKLING Is that what wizards consider an attack? Little more than an optical glitch.
A displacement of half a microspacial.
Half a microspacial! Pathetic! Speak! Your exquisite Excellencies, Technician Jathro 15 of subsection Alpha Grex Nine reporting.
Yes, Jathro? No, sister! He is Technician 15.
Don't honour technical classes with informalities.
Very well, Varg.
Speak, technician fool! Your Excellencies, I meant no disrespect.
Please, accept my humble apologies.
State your business! For your majestic pleasure, we have prepared a fresh wizard.
- Ready the extractor! - It would be my pleasure.
The Nekross shall feast! I've been preparing it for weeks.
Such powerful magic, it does drain you rather.
Brew of tangleweed to revitalise, Great Mistress.
- All milksome, as you will be liking it.
- Bless you, Moon.
Why didn't you tell me? I could've helped you.
Maybe we could have cracked it together.
Because if I told you, and then I mucked it up, you'd be so disappointed.
I didn't want to see that face.
I'm not disappointed in you.
I'm never disappointed in you.
Is this a disappointed face? I'm so silly! You know me, Tom.
I act like the Grand Pooh-Bah, but my spells are always going wrong.
Oh, dear! I can't even blame old age! I've always been a daft little thing.
- You're not daft, Mrs Crowe.
- Am I not? When I was seven years old, I cast my first spell.
All I wanted was a puppy.
But I ended up on top of the Eiffel Tower.
The gendarmerie had to coax me down with croissants.
Forget the past.
We'll find a way to stop them.
You remember my friend Cammy? Course.
Gran and Cammy, the original wizard groovy chicks.
I phoned her the other day.
Her son answered.
She disappeared a few days ago, and when she came back .
.
the life had been drained out of her.
- Gran, I'm really sorry.
- That's terrible.
She only lasted a few more days.
The Nekross destroyed her.
But at least we had all our fun, me and Cammy.
We really lived our young days.
That's why I tried that spell.
I want you to have all that fun, darling Tom.
Don't worry about me.
Tom, there's something nobody tells you about getting old.
You've got so many young people to worry about.
Can I just say, I might have something that could help with the Nekross.
It's science, not magic.
But hear me out.
Base and blasted Pythaggory! Well, magic didn't get us that far, did it? To be exact, 201.
168 metres.
Yeah, OK, Benny.
So, what is it, genius? He is a genius, after all.
That? That?! By the iron fist of Abron the Brave, that couldn't be hurting a fly! Ssh, Moon! What is it? - It's a flash stick.
- Flash it at me and I'll flash you back! This will be the language of the Technomages! Electronickery, the dry-dust talk of Pythagoras! Oh, Moon! Just because you don't understand science doesn't make it hocus-pocus.
Tell us what it does, there's a dear.
And we can learn something together.
Randal Moon will be all ears.
There's a computer virus on there.
It got onto my laptop but I cleaned it off.
And then I thought we could use it.
Oh! You mean it'll go fungal and infect the Nekross? You mean viral.
Maybe.
- With a bit of work.
- What are we waiting for? Not in the Chamber! There'll be no scientrickery in the Chamber of Mysteries! Electronics won't work in here.
It's going to take a lot of work, but I know a place.
I didn't mean break into the school now.
We could have done this tomorrow.
Why wait? And we didn't break in.
The doors were open.
Drama club's still on.
For half an hour.
I don't want to get locked in by the caretaker.
Then you'd better get a move on, hadn't you? And by the way, just why are we here? That.
The Spaceview Project connects millions of school computers around Earth in one giant project.
Using all that power to chart the galaxies.
That's not just gigabytes of RAM, that's exabytes, Tom! Talking of bytes, I haven't had my tea.
So if we can get a move on?! We'll hijack that power to calculate the algorithms of the virus and send it to the Nekross ship.
You're hacking into 20 million computers? I just have.
SHE SCREAMS She was captured performing a magical ritual in the Shakotan Peninsula of the Earth sector known as Japan.
Extract the magic! Oh, as my Excellency commands, so it's done.
The magic in this one is strong! Yes! Young and tender.
Just like your friend - Tom Clarke.
Tom Clarke is no friend of mine! I'll cut him down like any other wizard! - Silence! - Apologies, O Father.
Apologies, O Father.
They are more revolting after the extraction.
Is it really such a kindness to let them live on? They disgust me.
Guards! Dispose of this dried-out bag of bones! CHOMPING Your Majesty, the Might of Nekron, for your sustenance.
The Magic is good! We extracted 95 centilliums.
Your Excellencies, I have laboured to improve the refining process, and you will find an increased yield of 11.
2%.
I hope your Majesty is pleased.
HE BURPS LOUDLY You have done well, technician.
I enjoy my work.
It is an honour to be in service to the Royal Court of Nekron.
Excellent, Technician Jathro 15! A reward for my children! Two centilliums.
To share.
Thank you, O beneficent Father! The Might of Nekron is indeed generous.
Be about your work, technician! Technician Jathro 15 departs your Excellencies.
Now, my children.
Report on the masterplan! All goes well, Father.
Indeed.
Nothing can stop us now! Here we go.
Thank you, nerds of the world! That's it? That's the virus? Brilliant, isn't it? Yeah.
Amazing.
Now what? We transmit it to the ship.
That's Nekross tech.
Where did you get that? I pinched it off Varg when he brain-scraped me.
I can transmit it as an attachment using their own base command frequency.
It'll target their magic extractor system.
If they can't feed they'll have to leave, or starve! But Nekross computers are alien.
- Will it work? - The more advanced an interface is, the simpler it is.
Basic computer studies.
And this Nekross tech works as an interface.
But you said, last time you hooked up to Nekross tech, your laptop blew up.
This interface is better defended.
I've ramped up the firewall.
This Spaceview computer power will boost the signal and Bingo! It's uploading.
That's amazing! I have to admit, yes, I am pretty impressive today! Well, that's what I thought! ALARM BELLS RING By the time the master plan reaches stage four, Earth's defences shall be useless.
The Nekross shall feast! - ELECTRONIC BEEPING - What is that? A message.
- Transmitting from Earth! - On our command frequency? Impossible! A Nekross signal! There are no other Nekross in this sector, we are alone here.
It seems not! It says, "Join me, brothers of Nekross, I have magic to spare.
" It could be a trap! The humans call it ham or spam - don't open it! Open it! Open it! No, Father! - Come on, Benny! - I've just blown up the school computers! You might have saved the world! Good day's work! It happens, I know what I'm doing but things get out of control, and then BOOF! Obey me! - I know the ways of humans, Father! - Silence! Open it! What is this? That symbol is human! What does it mean? LOUD CRASHING I believe it means we are in trouble.
Can I just say, my life is so much better now with you.
I've just used a massive international network to send a virus to an alien spaceship! How cool is that?! I thought your geeky stuff was boring but you are rocking it now, Benny.
Thanks to me of course! And my rocking virus should hit the Zarantulus any time now! ALARM BELLS CONTINUE SHIP ALARM BLARES - Come on! - Going as fast as I can! What ever is going on? - Benny sent the virus to the Nekross! - I thought it needed work? Yeah, but Benny's a genius, isn't he? They've opened it! I'm in! Engage emergency protocols! The emergency protocols are offline! All I'm seeing is a little face, what does the face mean? The virus is in the ship systems.
Hey, everybody! Dad's got Chinese! The polymorphic code will activate the infection propagator.
He's so excited, he can't talk properly! Benny's going for the win, Gran.
Will someone tell me what's going on? We're going to bring down the Nekross! The extractor has been disabled! This is a human attack! It's reached stage two! Exciting! What is stage two? Some of us are still catching up on stage one.
Is this right - Benny's launched a malware attack on the Nekross? He's knocked out the extractor so they can't feed.
They'll have to go home! A computer virus! It has attacked the extractor and is now infecting all systems! It's a brilliant idea.
Are you sure about this? No offence, but do you know what you're doing? Of course he knows - he's Benny! Great Mistress Crowe! Be hearkening to my call! Great Mistress Crowe! Be hearkening to my call! - It's for me! - Great Mistress Crowe, something will be a-happening.
Dogs' tails and banshees' wails, a very big something! Come now, you must be a-seeing of this! A mobile mirror? Why not? If you get a scrying signal.
Believe it when I see it.
Chamber of Crowe, open to me, reveal yourself on the knock of three.
- What is it, Moon? - There'll be a shiver running through the ether! The cold machine-ship of the Unworld Ones, some great power will be shaking it like a sapling in a tempest! Your Exquisite Excellencies, the Zarantulus' plasma drive is destabilising.
- We're venting oxygen! - Tanks one and two are empty.
Tank three at 40%.
Father, we must withdraw! - No! Never! - If we do not withdraw immediately, there'll be insufficient fuel to escape the moon's orbit! Silence! GLASS SMASHES As your majesty bids.
There's a plasma fuel dump in six days' flight time, an asteroid on the Aigoula Belt! Nekross never run! Father, your sebum replenishers are offline! We must leave! No! No, I forbid it! My Nekross King, your oily juices will dry, your precious royal warts will flake! Withdraw! Now! Now! Now! Set course for the Aigoula Belt! Maximum power! The evil Sky-Boat will be a-slipping of its moorings! Yes! Benjamin, you've actually gone and done it! - I suppose I must have.
- Yes! And the crowd go wild! Well done, Benny.
I reckon that's one up to the Unenchanted! Yes! That little matter of science versus magic - the lines are closed, the votes have been counted, andscience has won! You're a genius.
I mean, you actually ARE a genius.
This is a bit weird, I'm not used to being popular.
Technockery-mockery, the imp will be knowing nothing.
Don't knock the technockery.
In time the Great Mistress would have cast a spell to see them off twice as fast! Shush, Moon! Benjamin released us from a terrible, terrible nightmare.
Beautiful, beautiful child.
Thanks, Mrs Crowe.
And you did it according to the beneficent spirit of the Wizard Way, with not one drop of blood spilt.
Well, they've gone, and that Chinese is going cold.
- I'd say it's time to celebrate! - Oooh! Main drive is gone! My children! Switching to emergency lighting.
It's reached life support! HE WAILS I'm in a party mood! Shin-digger-dah! Well done, Gran! It's perfect.
A perfect dayfor Chinese! Boys! Get the plates! - Right, so you did it.
- I did it.
How did you do it? I want to know everything! It was an accident.
I got that virus on my computer, and it's one of those really bad ones.
Wiped everything.
That's how I got the idea.
I'll never get tired of saying this - Benny, you're a genius! What this boy's done for us today is beyond words.
And him an Unenchanted! It's really over? Are you sure? I want to believe it, but it seems too easy.
It's over.
Smile! - HIGH-PITCHED NOISE - Ow! What is that? I dunno, hold on.
That doesn't look right.
Look! It's still connected! - Turn it off! - I can't! What's it doing? Wizardkind! Hear us! Oh, my goodness! Clear off back to your own planet! How have you done this? All the work of my friend Benny.
Computer virus.
Might want to try switching it off and back on again? This was your doing? I should have disintegrated you when I had the chance! Sorry I busted your extractor.
Still, it could've been worse.
Worse than this? The main drive is offline.
Life support has shut down.
We hang in space, powerless.
All systems failing.
Everyone on this ship will perish in little more than one hour.
Nono way.
The virus was only supposed to knock out the magic extractor.
You want us to believe this was an accident? All systems infected? Yes, you were thorough, Benny Sherwood.
I underestimated you.
You lot should be up for an Oscar.
We're not buying any of it! Look at me, Tom Clarke! Look in my eyes and tell me that I am lying! Lexi.
This wasn't meant to happen.
This is happening, Tom Clarke.
You told me once it was wrong to make anyone suffer.
Will you not show us mercy? No.
You would have destroyed us.
You'd have hunted us down like animals to sate your sick appetites.
I have lost friends, I will not lose my family! - It's all right, Ursula.
- What have I done? Nothing more than they deserved.
You attack like cowards! I am Ursula of the Magical Line of Crowe, we are not cowards.
You attacked wizardkind, took our people, fed on them, destroyed them.
You brought this on yourselves.
You deserve it.
So be it.
Revel in your conquest, and we, the conquered, will not go easily.
Now, wizards, can you face the consequences of your actions in all their brutality? Can you watch the Nekross die? We've got to help them! We've got to find a way.
No! We leave them to their fate! No! No! No! No! 20 minutes until total failure of life support systems.
- Maybe there's a way to stop this.
- What, with magic?! - That's Burnt Hill.
What's he doing? - He's communing with stones.
- Please, Tom.
- We can't reach him! Soon, it will be the end.
I was wrong to think you were different.