Wonderland (2013) s01e01 Episode Script

The Wedding

Kristin! Kristin! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Wait! Kristin! Sorry! Kristin! Wait! The morning sun set alight The future and all that it holds And I walk with intent Left no room for regret You don't miss something you never had Come on, come inside Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh We all see what's right before our eyes.
Good morning, my baby.
Hey, I'm going down to do the girls.
But first, I've got a present for you.
Oh, you got me a present.
And Wow! They're really something else.
Now you don't have to wear your dad's boring ones.
Yay! Yay.
Oh, you shouldn't spoil me.
Yes, I should.
It's a country party, OK? Alright, alright.
Oh! Don't crush it! No, no, no, no! Hook it up.
Hang on.
Hang on.
It's OK.
Is Steve there? Don't let him see me.
No, you're alright, Dani.
Just me.
Oh, shit! Ooh.
You got it? Yeah, I've got it.
Hey, Gracewhere's your 'I'm With the Bride' T-shirt? Where it belongs.
Do you want to maybe give us a hand or something? Oh, yeah.
Looking good, ladies.
Looking good.
Rob.
Robbo.
Mate, get your arse up here now.
And pleasetell me you've got the rings.
Of course I've got the bloody rings.
Do you have to stand right there? Yeah, alright.
I've got to go.
See you in a sec.
Cheers.
To wedding joy.
Rob, that's for the girls.
Hello! That's them.
Shoo! Shoo.
Ah, word of the day is 'joy'.
Go! Joy! Hi! Yo! Hey! You wore the shirt! Of course I did.
Joy, joy, joy, joy.
(singing "'Bridal Chorus" by Wagner) Huh? Welcome to the Club of Disappearing Balls, mate.
Listen, the girls are on the sauce already.
We need to catch up.
Yo.
You go for it.
I'm staying straight till the reception.
"Oh, no, we'll have the bucks party a month in advance "in case I get puffy eyes.
" You blokes need to harden up.
Let's face it Sorry.
There's no legal reason to get married these days.
It's just an industry.
Todayyou want to bring this up today? Marriage may be passe, but there are still practical reasons to being a bridesmaid.
Correct.
Our job is to bang the groomsmen.
Not at my wedding.
Well, one of them is a woman, and the other one's Tom.
And Tom's taken.
Anyway, I thought the pay-off was meeting your future husband.
Ohhow good is this? Seriously, does it look like rain to you? What are you - the groom or the bride? Tsunami! You look gorgeous.
So hot.
Kristin, I love it.
It's beautiful.
Thank you so much! I really appreciate you doing this.
Oh, as if I wouldn't.
It's my wedding prezzie to you, with love.
Oh! And I'm giving you 10% discount on the other girls, as well.
Ohthank you so Thanks.
Who's next? how you can stomach that.
Oh, it's refreshing to see you embrace your inner romantic, Rob.
Oi, dropping that much coin on one party isn't romantic, it's insane.
I have officially become a human ATM.
Is your new husband going to want to have sex with you in those granny pants? He can have sex with me anytime he likes, I need to live with these photos for the rest of my life.
Gifts for the bridesmaids?! Yeah, well, you haven't had to fork out for car hire.
I'm just saying.
You see, the thing is, the cake's probably only worth, like, what - 50 bucks? But you slap the word 'wedding' in front of it, and all of a sudden it's worth, like What?! Yep.
Oh, that'sthat's disgusting.
Oh, I can't wait.
My first home I get to design all myself.
All mine.
Wellours.
Histechnically.
Yes, but mine, really.
Has your dad stopped crying yet? Oh, no.
Oh, my God, I'm so excited! We're all excited.
No, I mean .
.
I've got a big surprise for Tom today.
What sort of surprise? It's a secret.
And it's huge.
OK, you're done.
Time for me to frock up.
It's going to rain.
You wait, the minute we start the ceremony, it'll piss down.
Oh, no, look - it's raining! Is she pregnant? No way.
To Tom - is she crazy? We all know the answer to that.
Has she got a bump? Uh-uh - abs of steel - it's too hard to tell.
Is this her drink? Yeah, that's pure orange juice.
She's pregnant! Shh.
How do I look? You look beautiful.
In just over an hour, you're walking through the one-way door, my friend.
How are you feeling? Too much going on.
I haven't had time to think about it.
I'll be glad not to see your ugly face over breakfast anymore.
What are you talking about? I'm coming next door for breakfast every day.
No, you'll be sweet, mate.
If I can survive marriage, anyone can.
You're next, mate.
Me? Mm-hm.
Seriouslyit is the same woman every day for the rest of your life now.
If you really want to know .
.
I've never been more pumped about anything in my whole life.
Yep.
She's it for me.
I can't believe she's wearing full-length ivory.
I mean, what part of 'it's all about me' does she not understand? Is she trying to look hotter than I do? Impossible.
I mean, it's a wedding no-no number one.
No, that would be sleeping with the groom.
And who announces they're pregnant at somebody else's wedding? That's bizar Forgot the rings.
I'll get them.
Who's pregnant? Don't you dare tell Tom.
Kristin?! Say nothing.
Joy, OK? So, uhyou and Kristin - are you good? Good? Yeah, good.
Good.
That's good.
So, you .
.
like her a lot? What's up with you? Hey, is Pudding here yet? Don't think so, mate.
I reckon she's got about five minutes to get here before we have to get Steve an ambulance.
Tom.
Hey, Peter.
Here we are at last.
How are you? You know Dani's dad? Peter, Rob.
Congrats, mate.
Thank you.
Beautiful car.
Yeah.
XM Deluxe, 1964.
Yeah, I used to drive one.
Oh, did you? Yeah, well, she's got a top speed of about20 miles an hour, Peter.
Don't worry.
I'm driving both our precious babies to the wedding.
I won't be taking any risks.
Miranda! She's not even on the plane yet.
Hi, Peter.
Hey.
Miranda's plane was delayed.
She's only just boarding.
She just decided to tell you that now, did she? She's not going to make it.
No shit, Sherlock.
You're going to have to do the rings.
Are you cool with that? I don't have to do a speech? She'll be here for the reception.
It's just the vows.
Yep.
You're right, but have you got a white shirt? Hey? You've been upgraded, mate.
I need two on my side.
Dani will go mental if the photos are lopsided.
Yeah.
Go! Get out of here.
I knew this would be a disaster.
Disaster? No.
What are you talking about? Have a look.
The sun's shining.
You've never been more pumped for anything in your whole life.
She's the one.
Let's do it! Look at you.
Mum.
Oh! Hey, you look beautiful.
You look very handsome.
Oh, I made you.
I'm very clever.
Where's Dad? He'll be at the reception.
Oh, right.
She's not answering her phone.
I don't think she's going to be here.
Hey, what's up? Oh.
So, I asked if we could postpone till she gets here.
Mmm.
No go? Not an option.
You want to be the one to tell Dani we'll miss the sunset photos? Hi! OK.
Oh! I do.
Yay! Whoo! You really are next, mate.
Hey? Kristin's pregnant.
Act surprised.
Kristin's pregnant.
Act surprised.
Hey.
Hey, mate.
You look so handsome.
You look beautiful.
Are you pregnant? No.
Are you sure? Of course I'm sure.
Yeah? Why - do I look fat? No! No, no, no.
You look absolutely perfect.
You have never been more perfect.
What made you think I was pregnant? Would you like it if I was? I've got to go.
I'll talk to you later.
Good chat.
OK.
Oh! Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
Hey, where's Warwick? For those of you who don't know me He must be held up.
.
.
I'm Peter, Dani's very proud dad.
And, after today, Steve's proud dad-in-law.
I love him like a son already.
Ow! Sorry, sorry.
Now, I'm honoured today to be both the father of the bride and emcee.
It's just been Dani and me since she was 11.
Your mother's missing out.
It's her loss, princess.
And nowDani's moving out again into the arms of a good man.
So this is a very emotional occasion for us.
Don't cry.
Don't cry.
And now, it gives me great pride to introduce the bride and groom - Mr and Mrs Beaumont.
He just changed my last name.
Giddy-up, Mrs Beaumont.
She's not pregnant.
How do you know? If you didn't ask her, how do you know? Because Tom asked her, and she's definitely not pregnant.
So you told Tom? I told you not to say anything.
Yeah, butbut the point is .
.
she isn't knocked up.
Joy - what happened to joy? Yeah, I think so.
Carlos! You look beautiful tonight, Mrs Wilcox.
Oh! Who's that man talking to Tom's mum? Oh, that's Carlos.
Can you give my husband a message? Can you tell him that if he doesn't get his cute arse back here, there'll be a divorce before we cut the cake? Sure.
Thank you.
Miranda's phone is going straight to her voicemail.
Yeah.
Um, what's your plan B, 'cause Dani's getting a little bit antsy.
Don't you like them? They're unbearable.
Hey! No, I didn't say I don't like them.
It just keeps coming undone, that's all.
I liked you talking about babies my baby.
Babies? Sorry to interrupt.
No, please.
Uhyou're going to have to do the speech.
I don't have a speech.
OK, just say that, then.
And say something about the bridesmaids.
Clean, OK? Ladies and gentlemen Just talk from the heart and make me proud.
.
.
can I please ask you to give your attention to stand-in best man, Tom Wilcox.
Tomski! Uh, well .
.
I guess I should probably start by saying that if I wasn't such a terrible dinner date, none of us would even be at this occasionevent .
.
umwedding.
Because, you know, you probably don't remember, but I actually dated Dani when she first came to the city.
Dani probably doesn't even remember, because both the dates were so unmemorable.
And she clearly realised early on that Steve was the much better prospect.
There was no sex.
Not that Dani's not attractive.
I mean, just look at her.
She's beautiful, and she's an amazing person.
And she is going to make the most amazing wife to my very best friendSteve.
And she's going to make an amazing neighbour, which, I must admit, seems to be quite a pattern in my life these days - turning dates into friends' wives and neighbours.
But that's probably a conversation I should have with a psychologist.
Um .
.
you guys are all going to have to forgive me, because I am, in every way, a very poor substitute for the person who deserved to be delivering this speech - Steve's younger brother, Jeremy.
He would have made the very best best man.
Now, Steve's second choice, on the other hand, his sister, Miranda, she's proved to be a very bad best man.
And I am simply doing the gentlemanly thing and being the very worst best man so as not to show her up too much.
Jokes aside, I would have to say that I think it's a very important thing to have a very high-achieving friend beside you, someone who'll make you feel like a real loser.
But I'd have to say that Steve's highest achievement to date would be having the foresight and the intelligence and the courage to stand up in front of all of you guys here today and commit himself to the woman that he loves.
So I'd like to ask you all to join me in a toast to these very, very scrumptious bridesmaids.
To the bridesmaids.
To the bridesmaids.
Steve, Steve.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my phone died just as I got on the plane, and we sat on the tarmac for another 45 minutes.
I'm such an idiot.
I've missed everything.
I'm sorry.
It's OK.
It's OK.
You're here now.
Oh! Dani, you look so beautiful.
Oh! Oh! I'm so sorry.
Oh, no, don't be silly.
But what you are you guys doing out here without me? I'm the bride.
I'm the special one.
Actually, husband, you are required for the first dance.
("Stuck On You" by Meiko plays) Would the beautiful lady care to dance? Oh, for goodness sake, I haven't danced since the '80s.
Looking for the chunky bits? Miranda.
Seriously, what are you doing? I lost a cufflink.
Oh.
Well, what does it look like? It's hideous.
It's actually so hideous, I think it decided to drown itself in the punch.
And I was hoping that its friend was going to follow it, like a lemming.
Ooh, yeah, probably best that stays in the punch.
It's umunbearable.
Yeah.
What are you doing? Just hold on.
Nice speech for a stand-in, by the way.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Did you really mean all that stuff you said about commitment? Yeah, well, not everyone can do it.
OK, ladies, it's time for the bouquet.
Let's find out who's next.
Come on in.
Gather around.
OK, are you ready? Kill me now.
One, two I just can't believe how much you've changed.
Since I was 12? I hope so.
You haven't changed.
You're still the same old Tom that used to tease me and call me Pudding.
Pudding? Yeah.
No, I would never have called you that.
You wouldn't even let me use your Game Boy.
I was a tool.
Mmm.
Umwhere's your fiance? Is he here? Miranda? Hi.
I'm Colette.
Hi.
It's so nice to finally meet you.
Why do you and Steve call her Pudding? She's not Pudding, she's gorgeous.
Excuse me, everyone.
Sorry.
This won't take long.
But I have a very important announcement.
Today, I want to share a special moment with a very special guy.
Maybe I hang around here A little more than I should We both know I've got somewhere else to go But I've got something to tell you That I never thought I would And I believe you really ought to know I love you.
Tom .
.
babe, I caught the bouquet.
Awesome.
And I take that as a sign that what I had planned to do here today has the blessing of the universe.
What is she doing? Should we stop her? No! I want to see.
Tom, in front of your best friends and your family, I want us to make the ultimate commitment.
Will you do me the honour of becoming my husband? Can we talk about this outside? It's a yes-or-no answer, Tom.
Yesor no? No? Catch it! Are you OK? You ruined my cake! You've ruined my life! I never want to see you again! It's over! Mate, what the fuck have you done? This thing with you and our flatmates was tired before, butnow it's out of control.
Yeah, well, it's not intentional.
It justhappens.
Oh, what - every time a girl moves in, you have to sleep with her? Then, the minute it gets serious, you have to dump her? I don't know.
Just happens, does it? Yeah.
Yeah.
You still don't get it.
Girls don't move into your apartment for you to use and abuse.
Ohsteady.
No, it's a game to you, Tom, but people get hurt.
No, I DO get it.
I've just had a really bad run of relationships with girls who also happen to be my flatmate.
It's a coincidence.
That's a load of rubbish.
You did it to me, you would have done it to Dani, if she hadn't been too smart to fall for you.
Thank God.
And, before that, there was Jasmine, there was Claudia, Maya Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't need all this.
I remember their names.
Shay.
Shay! Oh, my God, and look at how that turned out.
And now you've done it to Kristin, too.
Enough is enough, Tommy.
What is this - an intervention? Yes.
He was even nice to my mum, you know? Maybe he does love you, only he's just not ready for marriage.
I've heard all the stories.
But, oh, no, I was different.
Which makes me the biggest idiot of all.
Tom, you've got to stop this! You're ruining people's lives.
You've ruined your own life, and now you've ruined our wedding.
I'm sorry.
You'll be right, mate.
It'll be OK.
Don't be a bloody idiot, Rob.
It won't be OK.
Yeah, noshe's right.
It probably won't be.
Kristin must have thought that you really loved her to do what she did.
Oh, he's like that with all women.
He makes them all think he loves them.
No, I doI do love them.
Just not in that marrying kind of way.
No, it's not your problem.
You don't have to get involved.
We live in the same building - we're involved.
I think what we're trying to say is that you shouldn't shit in your own nest anymore.
No, you're right.
I'm going to stop having relationships with my flatmates.
Right.
Just like that? OK, I bet youanything.
Anything? Well You said anything.
Yeah, but I didn't mean anything.
See? You're not for real.
You can't do it.
OK, how long are we talking, then? A year? OK, a year's good.
If you sleep with a flatmate in the next 12 months, you sign the car rego over to me.
We're shaking on it.
No! That's my car.
Grace, you're the lawyer.
Write something on that and he can sign it.
Grace? This is gold.
This is ridiculous.
You know you're not the only one who's ever made a huge mistake with a guy.
This is epic.
What - like missing your brother's wedding because you broke up with your fiance you've been dating since high school? At least you're not sitting on a toilet, blubbing.
Time to sign the napkin treaty.
Is that really necessary? Sign it.
Well, I feel better.
But you need to figure out how you can make this up to Dani.
Isn't that right, Rob? I believe so, Steve.
I cannot believe this! It's already on YouTube! What sort of narcissistic psychopath proposes at someone else's wedding? Uh, Dani I thought it would be romantic! But my baby broke my heart! He's a bastard! Kristin .
.
he didn't ask you to propose.
That's right, take HIS side.
You, of all people, should be on my side.
Kristin, Colette's kind of right.
I mean, you put him in an impossible situation.
Oh, my God! I know you all LOVE Tom.
Everyone loves Tom.
But the only thing that Tom is ever going to love .
.
is that stupid car.
The car - she's got the keys.
The keys.
Kristin! Excuse me.
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's fine.
I'm really sorry.
Kristin! Kristin! Wait, wait, wait, wait! Wait! Kristin, wait! I didn't mean to say it! Wait, Kristin! Kristin.
Wait! Wait! Well, no-one's seen her and she's not answering her phone.
Oh, God, I hope she's OK, the poor thing.
("Zorba's Dance" plays) 'Zorba'! What? I said no 'Zorba'.
Dad! What sort of Greek wedding has no 'Zorba'? I'm in.
Come on.
Come on, darling.
Oh, no.
No.
Whoo-hoo! Yeah! She's not here, she's not at her mum's.
She's not at the Tratt.
Oh, just a second.
It's her.
Oh, good.
It's Kristin.
Uh-huh, yes.
"I'm at our special spot.
" What's the matter? You don't know where your special spot is, do you? I don't.
Mmm.
You really are a bastard.
I must get it from Dad.
Darling, whatever sins you've committed, I'm sure you'll be punished for them.
If you had said 'yes' to her proposal, I would have disowned you.
I love you, Mum.
Aw.
And I love you.
Ugh.
Thank you.
Go on, go get her.
Special spot.
You've called Warwick Wilcox.
Leave a message.
Switching off your phone is not going to save you, Warwick.
Why am I surprised that I have to spend four hours at a wedding beside an empty chair? Don't worry, I wasn't planning on drink-driving and smashing your precious car.
I'm really sorry that I hurt you.
It wasn't just hurt .
.
I was totally humiliated.
I just wish that you had've talked to me about it first.
It wouldn't have been a surprise then.
Yeah, it would've.
Why is it so surprising to you that a woman that you're living with and sleeping with wants to marry you? Because marriage just isn't my thing.
And I guess I .
.
I thought that you knew that.
What, so you're never gonna want to marry me, then? I can't imagine what it would feel like to want to .
.
make that kind of commitment.
What happened to your cufflink? Oh, I I don't know.
I guess that says it all, doesn't it? It doesn't have to be over.
Oh, it's over! It's definitely over.
Mm-hm.
Let's justlet's just get you home, then.
I don't want to go home.
I want to go to my mum's.
I'll callI'll call you a cab.
Yeah, I'll call you a cab.
Tom? Yeah.
I feel sick.
It's on the seat.
Oh, yeah.
That's OK.
Bye! You're the best.
OK, just enjoy it, please.
Just don't miss your plane.
Yes.
No, let's not miss the plane.
Love you! Bye! Bye! Bye-bye! Be gentle, Steve! Bon voyage.
Safe driving.
Alright, night! Night.
See you.
Bye.
Righto, man.
OK, now, so you're staying at Tom's? Yeah, Steve's new place is Good wedding.
I mean, obviously, aside from the .
.
from the disaster, and everything.
My wedding .
.
is going to be one big party, lots of fun.
Uh, goodright.
So no stupid traditions? Like what? Well, you know, the father giving the bride away like she's some sort of possession? Why not? First she belongs to her father and then he gives her to her husband.
It's a beautiful thing.
It's ridiculous.
I bet you think it's ridiculous to change your last name to your husband's, too.
What do you think? Of course should change.
For the children, for the family.
For Godsakes.
Why, what's your last name? Um Barnes.
Barnes.
Like where you keep animals.
I can understand why you'd want to hold onto that.
Yeah, fine.
OK.
What's your last name, then? Dos Santos.
And what does that mean? It means 'sex god from South America'.
OK, Mr Sex God from South America .
.
um, I, um .
.
I wish you and your future Mrs Dos Santos a lot of luck.
Nice to meet you.
Why do you have to go? They seemed pretty happy.
Yeah.
The bride was shining.
Glowing.
Yeah, that, too.
But no chick there was as beautiful as you.
Ah! I nevI never do this.
Do you want to stop? Oh, God, no.
Oh, don't stop.
I heard the car.
Hmm.
You and everyone else all the way home.
I hope you don't mind, Steve said I can stay in his room, but I don't think he got the chance to ask you or Kristin.
If I'm in your way, I can make myself scarce.
No, no.
Stay around.
Stay as long as you like.
Seriously? Yeah, of course.
Oh, that'd be so good.
The room's vacant.
It's yours.
Did you find her? Yeah, I found her.
Oh.
I rescued this for you.
Thought it might keep you out of trouble.
I think it's pretty much gone beyond that.
But thanks.
Well, I'm gonna jump in the shower, then.