Work in Progress (2019) s02e03 Episode Script
Two Queens on Two Queens
1
[ABBY.]
Previously on Work in Progress Life kept getting in the way of me killing myself.
My best friend Campbell, she moved in with me 'cause her dog died.
Things at home have been you know, tense.
[SIGHS.]
We're fine.
[ABBY.]
Dad's wife-to-be is actually really cool and her sons are awesome.
You know I'm not gonna call your dad my stepfather.
[ABBY.]
There's no way I'm calling your mom my stepmom.
Good story, Jags.
[CAMPBELL.]
I'm overprotective of Abby.
We take care of each other.
That's just our thing.
[CAMPBELL.]
Okay.
Now.
I do not have a card for Big Lou, but Big Lou does not care because Big Lou is turning 90.
Hey, hey, hey.
Does this tissue paper look used? Used as what? Fuck it.
Fuck it.
Fuck it.
Fuck it! Oh, shit! I forgot that I hate these shoes.
Sorry, one second! Well, that's an interesting choice, Campbell.
Very, very interesting.
Is it new? Okay.
Voila! - I'm ready to go.
- Awesome.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
All right.
Come on.
Let's go.
[GRUNTS.]
I'm gonna pee.
Sorry.
Okay, one second.
Ugh! I swear.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
They substitute the telegram with the fax machine [DOOR OPENS.]
What did you substitute me with? - Lets go.
- Okay.
All I want is you to have I mean, who gets a master's in poetry? - [CHUCKLES.]
- How about that? Well, actually, I talked to Mark, and I found out it's not a master's in poetry.
It's a degree in like creative writing or something like that.
- Okay.
Well, phew! - Yeah.
Because Jamal is way too cool to be a poet.
I mean, poetry is annoying.
I should know, I can say that because I dated one.
Do you remember Lisa? - Oh, yeah, she was so nice! - Yeah.
You know what? My mom really liked Lisa.
Ugh.
Well, I mean, think about it, I could be living in a house with a poet laureate.
In Indiana.
But I would have a lawn.
Like you would ever do yard work.
Maybe that version of me would.
Korean pizza fusion, power-lifting with some hard-ass dykes at Cheetah, and Midsommarfest.
That is who you are, Campbell.
[SIGHS.]
God damn it.
Sorry.
Uh, she's seeing her mom today.
Oh, no, I hear that.
And I'm seeing my dad.
[SIGHS.]
- Tell me about it.
- Yeah.
[CAMPBELL.]
You know, I was hoping we could actually talk for a hot sec about strategizing.
[ABBY.]
Oh, sure.
We have an action-packed day of fraught family bullshit that we're gonna have to navigate our way through - until you and I are - Yeah.
Yeah.
[BOTH.]
Two Queens on Two Queens! Yeah.
Boom.
When.
Are.
We.
Drinking? I don't know.
I'm gonna try to keep a clear head for a while.
Hey, do you think that we could set up a code word in case - I need rescuing? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- If you remember it this time.
Look, I did remember it.
But it was just way too common.
Like "Do you need more ice"? Okay.
When you asked me that, Campbell, I did need more ice.
And I just didn't know if you were like using the signal or like being polite.
- Polite? - [LAUGHS.]
Okay.
- [LAUGHS.]
You fucking idiot.
- I know, that's fair.
- Oh - Fuck.
How about, um you know, "I think I'm gonna switch to water!" From you? [CHUCKLES.]
Hurtful.
But accurate.
But you hurt me.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, are you sure that we're dressed okay for this? Yeah.
I mean, he he said he was keeping it small and casual.
Okay, cool.
And are you sure that you want to stay sober for this? Absolutely! [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[SIGHS.]
Well, that didn't last long.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, this is small and casual? Abby! Campbell! You made it.
- Hey, Carol Lynn.
- Hey.
Oh.
Edward didn't say you were staying over.
- Oh, no.
We're not.
- Yeah.
- We have a thing tonight.
- Yeah.
This is so nice! Well, I wanted to keep it simple, but Edward had big plans for this celebration.
Who knew he was such a party planner? - [LAUGHS.]
- Literally nobody.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm so glad you're both here.
Do you mind rescuing Mark? He doesn't fish.
Fish? But it's not just rainbow trout.
There's all kinds of trout: brown trout, lake trout, smallmouth trout.
[ABBY.]
Hold on! Are we just listing trout? Okay.
Um, above average mouth trout.
We got potty mouth trout.
We got a Bell's palsy mouth trout, we got a expressive mouth trout We are plotting our summer fishing excursion.
That sounds fun, Edward.
It will be.
Okay, but Dad, it's February.
And, um, since when do you fish? We are going to charter a boat.
Well, we're talking about it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Actually, your mom asked me to get you to help her with some wine or something.
Shouldn't she tell the bartender? Yeah, but she told me that you'd be the only one who knew exactly where it was.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
Okay.
It's okay.
[SIGHS.]
So how are you doing, kid? I'm good, Dad, thanks.
The place looks amazing.
Yeah, yeah.
Uh, Carol Lynn, uh, got all my stuff in.
[WHISPERS.]
Yeah, thanks.
Okay.
All right.
So, how's the promotion? You know, Dad, it's actually going all right.
I'm not sure exactly what I'm supposed to be doing, my forte, uh, but I think I'm nailing it.
Well, it's good that you're, you know, kind of finding your way, your path.
Well, I should get Jamal's gift.
- Love you, sweetie.
- Okay.
[CAMPBELL.]
These are pork crostinis with a balsamic reduction! I've taught so many students, but Jamal paints inside your brain.
It's an extraordinary power.
Come on, Professor.
[ABBY.]
I honestly cannot say I'm surprised.
Ooh, I buried the lede before.
Did you know that my friend Campbell here used to date the poet laureate of Indiana? You dated Matthew Graham? No.
No, I don't know Matthew.
- Adrian Matejka? - I adore Adrian.
We used to model together.
No.
Um, Lisa Sheehan.
She told you she was the poet laureate of Indiana? Yeah.
That's a very Lisa thing to do.
[SHOUTS.]
Damn! - Oh, shit.
- [ALL LAUGH.]
Okay.
You'd be doing yard work for a fraud! [LAUGHS.]
And live in Indiana.
Hard pass! [ALL LAUGH.]
- Cheers to Lisa.
- Oh, to the fraud.
I mean, I'm out of that cheer, all right? [ABBY.]
You know, I never liked, trusted, or respected that bitch.
I am a classy man and I deserve classy things.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Well, speaking of classy things, I was really unsure what to get a big-time poet.
You didn't have to get me anything.
I know I didn't, but then I was like, "Mm, don't be a bitch, get him a gift.
" And I was like, "Uh, what do I get him?" And then I remembered that huge confession that you told me at the wedding.
Remember? - Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes.
Your first true love - Markie Post! - Markie Post! - Oh, my always and forever.
- [ABBY.]
Yes.
This is Markie Post? Yes, that's Markie Post, and that's also mine.
I will take that back.
Thank you.
- Garçon.
- Better believe it.
- Yeah, right.
- I mean, seriously.
I've had it.
Hey, so what's up with Meg's friend? Hmm.
That's the million-dollar question.
No, it isn't.
They met on the soccer team in the fall, and then they just became friends.
Aly thinks she's her friend.
I think she's her girlfriend.
[ALY.]
Why do you have to label everything, Mike? I don't I don't understand.
I'm not labeling anything! Jesus.
You know what? I hope she turns out gay.
It would make everything so much easier.
How exactly? I don't know.
Um, she wouldn't need birth control.
Oh, no.
My God! Salient point, thank you.
- Umph.
- [SARCASTIC LAUGHS.]
Jesus, fuck it.
Write a pamphlet.
Don't.
I just don't like Meg hanging out with a junior.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
[BOTH.]
Neko has her driver's license.
- Oh.
- Aww.
Neko also boycotted her AP History exam.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, she ripped it up, stormed right out of the room.
Dag, that's cool.
Apparently earning college credit as a high school student is, uh, a repressive structure designed to reinforce classism and racism.
Wow.
- She's an ally.
- Okay, Mike, I'm not going to embarrass you in front of your whole family by asking you to define that term.
Okay? You're welcome, Mike.
Ally? It's an online bank.
- [ABBY LAUGHS.]
- See? [LAUGHS.]
I mean, yet again, Jags nailing it.
- It's what I do.
- Okay! Okay! Thank you so much for being here today.
Now, it is every mother's dream to have her child tell you he wants to be a poet.
[LAUGHS.]
But when that child is as talented as Jamal, you know he has to pursue his gift.
We are pleased that you all could be here to celebrate Jamal receiving his master's! [ALL.]
Woo! Which is not in poetry, but in creative writing and publishing.
With distinction! Whoa! [CHEERS AND WHOOPS.]
And I'm pleased to announce that my baby is published! [CHEERS AND WHOOPS.]
So, I encourage you all to pick up a copy of the latest edition of the Iowa Review, where you can read his award-winning poem, "Heartprints.
" - "Hoofprints.
" - "Hoofprints.
" I don't understand it, but it is very good.
To Jamal! [ALL.]
Jamal! [CHEERS AND WHOOPS.]
Hello, everyone.
Um, I'm Jamal's, um well, I'm Edward.
And I just wanted to echo my wife's sentiments about what an extraordinary accomplishment Jamal has accomplished.
A master's in poetry.
[BOTH.]
Creative writing and publishing.
Truly an amazing feat.
Just amazing.
[SIGHS.]
Anyway, Jamal, uh [EXHALES.]
as a token of how proud I am of you and all that you've done, I wanted to get you a little something.
It's, uh [ALARM CHIRPS.]
- You got me a Toyota RAV4? - Edward! I did.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- It's a hybrid.
I thought you'd need it driving to all of your readings.
Do you need more ice? Maybe I should switch to water.
- Help.
- I know.
Okay.
Hold on.
It's a great gift.
Thanks.
- [APPLAUSE.]
- Come on.
[LAUGHS.]
[WOMAN.]
Smile! [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
Now let me get one of just my girls.
It only took six years! [LAUGHTER.]
Who cares how long it took? The important thing is you did it.
Dad, you didn't have to get me anything.
[LAUGHS.]
Dad! - That's hilarious.
- There's a store that lets you print anything you want on a sweatshirt, so I came up with that myself.
Well, it's beautifully understated.
[LAUGHS.]
Thank you very much.
I'm very proud of you, sweetie.
[PHONE CHIMES.]
Ten minutes.
Hey.
I'm sorry, we have to go.
- I had a ball.
- That's okay.
- I'm so proud of you.
Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Oh.
- Excuse me.
Okay, we need to have an extended sidebar on what the fuck just happened.
- It's going to be - I know.
- A car? Are you kidding me? - I know.
I know.
We just got we can't do anything about it tonight.
- Okay, will you call me? - I will call you.
Call me, okay? I love you.
Ow.
I'm all right.
Oh, sorry.
- Oh, did she tell you? - What? Our next stop is a birthday party for a 90-year-old.
Oh, my God! You're dating again.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- I tried, she said no.
- What are you gonna do? - You gotta keep moving.
- What are you gonna do? - Bye, Jamal.
I mean, ah.
Excuse me.
- Can you not wait? - [JAMAL.]
One at a time works.
Can you wait? - Really? Can I not wait? - Oh, my God.
[CAMPBELL.]
I'm just saying, put your shields up because these boozehounds have been going strong since 10:00 am.
Okay, but we've been drinking since noon, so.
Yeah, but that's different.
[LAUGHS.]
How is that different? Bye, Darnell.
- Thank you.
- Bye, thank you.
Okay, he gets five stars, I think.
Okay.
What do you need from me right now? - This moment? - [LAUGHS.]
I guess that would be for you to brace yourself.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Because it's a full cast of some bizarro Hee Haw, minus my cousin Tricia, who's like, "I'll stay in Des Moines if Maureen's going.
" I cannot fucking believe that's still a thing.
That's outrageous.
All right.
Well, just name the top three people I need to save you from.
- Top three.
- Okay.
Okay.
Stay frosty, all right, because honestly, when they all get together like this, it can come from anywhere, - anytime, any direction.
- That is dramatic.
[LAUGHS.]
And I guarantee you, my mother is going to be dialed up to an 11 tonight.
Look, I got it.
Nora duty! Full force! Do not worry about it.
What are we looking for again? Like a trolley.
It says "Hotsy Totsy Gangster Tours" on it.
Okay.
I've lived here over 25 years.
I can honestly tell you I've never been tempted to do this.
Now, look.
We're going to have a ball.
And just remember, we got to keep our eyes on the prize.
Oh, if my mom starts you know, just like ask her who has cancer.
Yep, or about random Catholic saints.
How the Hawkeyes are doing.
No worries, I got this.
Hey, where are you two jagoffs going? Whatever is in those bags better get me drunk.
They're fucking clothes! Maureen, hi.
- I'll drink it.
I don't care.
- She will.
I gotta say, you haven't changed very much.
You still got a lot of class, mainly lower, and that's a burn! I see it! I see it! Here's the birthday girl.
- [EXCLAIMS.]
- Oh, Grandma.
Hi.
This is my friend, Abby.
- Oh.
- Happy birthday.
- Finally, right? - Y'all need cups? - Well, I'll save one for later.
- You can have this much fun before we even get on the bus.
Okay, you look famil.
Don't start with me.
To Grandma! [CHANTS.]
Grandma Lou! Grandma Lou! Ohh.
Pretty good, right? I feel like you are my aunt.
I was an ice skater as a child.
- Whoa! - [LAUGHS.]
Campbell, my baby! Oh! Hey.
It's gonna be fine.
You've got this.
I'm here.
I'll be right over there.
- Look at you! - Oh, hey, Mom.
Aww.
Hi.
Well, this is interesting.
- Oh.
- And you changed your hair.
Uh-huh.
Yep.
Oh, now, Campbell, before I forget, my book club was asking about your Facebook posts.
Okay.
All those pictures of a dead dog? - Oh.
- It's so morbid.
Oh, God.
I bet that is so hard on you.
Well, yes.
It is.
Oh, my God, Nora! - Hey, Abby! - How are you? - Hi, how are you? - Good to see you.
Hey, Campbell, it looked like you needed more ice.
Oh, I didn't know we brought ice.
Is this new? Oh, my gosh, is that St.
Jermaine? No, no, no.
This is St.
Theresa.
I got this at the Vatican.
When we were in Rome one time - Whoo! Yeah! - [HORN BEEPS.]
Hi, everybody, I'm Spencer.
- Go, Spencer! - Spencer For Hire! [BARKS.]
On behalf of Dave behind the wheel - and myself - [CHEERING.]
welcome to the Hotsy Totsy 23 Skidoo Gangster Tour.
Celebrating Chicago's long history with the mob both in films and in real life.
[ALL.]
Ooh! Hey.
That was a hell of a save back there.
Thank you.
She's off the charts tonight.
Oh, I got you, okay? - Okay.
- All right.
This month actually marks the 91st anniversary of the St.
Valentine's Day Massacre.
Every Valentine's Day is a massacre for me! Underneath Chicago's beautiful architecture are miles and miles of tunnels, which the gangsters used to transport booze.
Spencer, I'm sorry to interrupt.
But that building right over there? - Marina Tower? - Is that the building where Diane Lockhart lives? Oh! From the Emmy award-winning The Good Wife? - Yeah.
- Yes, it is! Yeah! [LAUGHS.]
I knew it.
I knew it.
Ohh.
Christine Baranski.
Oh, she's good in everything.
But I don't like that they make you pay for her new show.
Oh, I'm gonna slip you my password, Grandma Lou.
You call me Big Lou now that we're family.
Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, here's a question.
You two are so great.
Why aren't you together? What is it, Abby? She too repulsive for you? - You know what? - Okay.
- No.
- I'm just saying.
Nobody's getting any younger.
So, Maureen, you know two queer ladies and so automatically you think they should be hooking up and fucking, right? - I dunno.
- Okay.
That would be like if I came to you and like, "Hey, Maureen, why you aren't you fucking, I don't know, the bus driver?" Oh, I'm also co-owner of the company.
Oh, of course you are.
Jesus, Maureen! What? Oh, oh, I forgot.
You recycle.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God.
You gotta recycle that attitude.
- [CAMPBELL.]
Holy shit.
- [MAUREEN.]
Okay.
Reduce, reuse, recycle, motherfucker! [CAMPBELL.]
Just like you do to your men.
- [ALL.]
Oh! - Okay.
[NORA.]
You have a lovely speaking voice.
Very clear.
Oh, thank you.
[CHUCKLES.]
I actually feel pretty off my game tonight.
- I ran into my ex before work - Ohh.
It's the first time I've seen him since he dumped me.
- [ABBY.]
What? - Oh.
Spencer, who would dump you? Uh, this guy Elliot.
He's a tour guide for The Untouchables Bus Tour.
It's actually our biggest competitor, so.
Oh, man.
So there's an entire tour that's just about The Untouchables? Why didn't we do that one? [SPENCER.]
Yeah.
Anyway, I thought I was over him, - but I - Breakups are hard, dear.
Especially when you're in the same industry? [CAMPBELL.]
Oh.
"Breakups are hard, dear!" You know what? If that had been me, it would've been like, "You need to take a good look at yourself.
N.
O.
W.
" - Spelling-ass bullshit threats.
- I know.
You're doing great, actually.
I wanna tell you, you're really doing good.
Just breathe deeply, okay? All you have to do is get through the next two hours.
[SIGHS.]
And then it's Two Queens On Two Queens.
Yes, queen.
Okay? - Yes.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
- We're gonna do it.
You're doing good.
She lasted longer than I thought.
- [CAMPBELL.]
Get your camera.
- [ABBY.]
Oh, God, yeah.
[BELL DINGS.]
[SPENCER.]
Ooh, okay.
Over there is the hotel where Alicia and Will hooked up at the end of season one.
No, dear, they didn't get together until the end of season two.
Right.
Right.
Well, it's also the hotel where Elliot and I stayed for his sister's wedding.
And he told me we were gonna split the bill, and then he never Venmoed me.
What an asshole.
[GRANDMA LOU.]
When people show you who they are, believe them.
[HORN BEEPS.]
Look, Campbell, I got a guy who owes me big time.
I can get you a min pin, half off, no questions asked.
Jot down this number.
You got a pen and paper? Min pins.
They're inbred worse than the Habsburgs.
[CHUCKLES.]
But it would be nice if you moved on, Campbell.
I think all that wallowing is bringing out your wrinkles.
Celts don't have collagen.
Relax, everybody! Campbell doesn't need to do anything! She's entitled to feel how she feels.
If she wants to be sad about her dog, let her be sad.
I didn't say anything.
It was the ladies in my book club Ba-ba-ba! That's enough.
Now, who wants to get me some more Pinocchio grigio? Uh Thanks, Big Lou.
No, thank you, dear.
I really needed one of these.
Ol' Bessie's gonna go right up on my breakfront.
All of my friends will be so jealous.
- [LAUGHS.]
- That's a perfect place.
Okay.
And over there is the notorious bar where Alicia and Kalinda had a drink at the end of season Oh, my God.
That's Elliot's bus! Oh, that's Elliot's bus?! Open the window.
- Boo! - [TOY GUN RATTLING.]
Elliot! Shame! Pay Spencer his money! Your tour guide is a thief and a liar! I'm gonna destroy you on Yelp! You hear me, Elliot? I'm Yelp Elite, bitch! You're going down! Get their asses, all right? It's a beautiful day to die.
Celts at war.
Ya feckers! [CHEERS.]
Horatio! Really? - [CHEERS.]
- Twenty-three skidoo, motherfuckers! - [CHEERS.]
- Come on, ladies! And bam! Chicago, Chicago That toddlin' town Chicago, Chicago I'll show you around, I love it Bet your bottom dollar you'll lose the blues In Chicago, Chicago The town that Billy Sunday could not shut down On State street, the great street [BEEPING HORN.]
[ALL YELLING.]
[IMITATES MACHINE GUN FIRE.]
[LAUGHS.]
Yay.
That was amazing.
Holy cow.
Yeah, you fucking nailed it, dude.
Come here.
- You could use more sunscreen.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- I love you.
- Yeah.
Don't change the subject.
I love you, too.
Okay.
Bye, Mom.
Oh, Grandma! - [CHUCKLES.]
- You've always been my favorite.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, it's not like the competition is stiff.
Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
Happy birthday.
Thank you, sweetheart.
- Okay.
- Come on.
- I need you on every tour.
- I will come.
I have a lot of free time.
- You'll come on every tour? - Fuck yeah, dog.
[BOTH.]
Hey, bitch.
I cannot throw this out fast enough.
Oh, wait.
I'll take yours.
Okay.
Added to the landfill! Oh, yeah.
Whoo! - Ow! Fuck! - [LAUGHS.]
Yes.
["REBEL GIRL" BY BIKINI KILL PLAYING.]
That girl thinks she's the queen of the neighborhood She got the hottest trike in town That girl, she holds her head up so high I think I wanna be her best friend, yeah Rebel girl, rebel girl Rebel girl, you are the queen of my world Rebel girl, rebel girl I know I wanna take you home, I wanna try on your clothes This is how it's supposed to be.
Damn! We got wildlife, bitch! [LAUGHS.]
She is my best friend, yeah Rebel girl, rebel girl Rebel girl, you are the queen of my world Rebel girl, rebel girl I know I wanna take you home, I wanna try on your clothes Love you like a sister always Soul sister, rebel girl Come and be my best friend Really, rebel girl I really like you I really wanna be your best friend Be my rebel girl I'm telling you that I love you! And all you love is my dick! Do you know how that makes me feel? Do ya? I'm sorry.
Come on, let's go! I'm finished, Joe.
I can't do this anymore.
Let's go.
Uh, do you need more ice? [LAUGHS.]
No, that's good.
We're all right.
For once.
[LAUGHS.]
[BOTH SLURP.]
When I see your face Puts everything in place Everything in place And when I see you smile Well, it makes me smile It makes me smile I know But still I wonder I know Yes, I know Now I'm really talking Now I'm really walking Now I'm really living And then I see your face Puts everything in place Everything in place You make The world sit still The world sit still, the world sit still
Previously on Work in Progress Life kept getting in the way of me killing myself.
My best friend Campbell, she moved in with me 'cause her dog died.
Things at home have been you know, tense.
[SIGHS.]
We're fine.
[ABBY.]
Dad's wife-to-be is actually really cool and her sons are awesome.
You know I'm not gonna call your dad my stepfather.
[ABBY.]
There's no way I'm calling your mom my stepmom.
Good story, Jags.
[CAMPBELL.]
I'm overprotective of Abby.
We take care of each other.
That's just our thing.
[CAMPBELL.]
Okay.
Now.
I do not have a card for Big Lou, but Big Lou does not care because Big Lou is turning 90.
Hey, hey, hey.
Does this tissue paper look used? Used as what? Fuck it.
Fuck it.
Fuck it.
Fuck it! Oh, shit! I forgot that I hate these shoes.
Sorry, one second! Well, that's an interesting choice, Campbell.
Very, very interesting.
Is it new? Okay.
Voila! - I'm ready to go.
- Awesome.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
All right.
Come on.
Let's go.
[GRUNTS.]
I'm gonna pee.
Sorry.
Okay, one second.
Ugh! I swear.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
They substitute the telegram with the fax machine [DOOR OPENS.]
What did you substitute me with? - Lets go.
- Okay.
All I want is you to have I mean, who gets a master's in poetry? - [CHUCKLES.]
- How about that? Well, actually, I talked to Mark, and I found out it's not a master's in poetry.
It's a degree in like creative writing or something like that.
- Okay.
Well, phew! - Yeah.
Because Jamal is way too cool to be a poet.
I mean, poetry is annoying.
I should know, I can say that because I dated one.
Do you remember Lisa? - Oh, yeah, she was so nice! - Yeah.
You know what? My mom really liked Lisa.
Ugh.
Well, I mean, think about it, I could be living in a house with a poet laureate.
In Indiana.
But I would have a lawn.
Like you would ever do yard work.
Maybe that version of me would.
Korean pizza fusion, power-lifting with some hard-ass dykes at Cheetah, and Midsommarfest.
That is who you are, Campbell.
[SIGHS.]
God damn it.
Sorry.
Uh, she's seeing her mom today.
Oh, no, I hear that.
And I'm seeing my dad.
[SIGHS.]
- Tell me about it.
- Yeah.
[CAMPBELL.]
You know, I was hoping we could actually talk for a hot sec about strategizing.
[ABBY.]
Oh, sure.
We have an action-packed day of fraught family bullshit that we're gonna have to navigate our way through - until you and I are - Yeah.
Yeah.
[BOTH.]
Two Queens on Two Queens! Yeah.
Boom.
When.
Are.
We.
Drinking? I don't know.
I'm gonna try to keep a clear head for a while.
Hey, do you think that we could set up a code word in case - I need rescuing? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- If you remember it this time.
Look, I did remember it.
But it was just way too common.
Like "Do you need more ice"? Okay.
When you asked me that, Campbell, I did need more ice.
And I just didn't know if you were like using the signal or like being polite.
- Polite? - [LAUGHS.]
Okay.
- [LAUGHS.]
You fucking idiot.
- I know, that's fair.
- Oh - Fuck.
How about, um you know, "I think I'm gonna switch to water!" From you? [CHUCKLES.]
Hurtful.
But accurate.
But you hurt me.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, are you sure that we're dressed okay for this? Yeah.
I mean, he he said he was keeping it small and casual.
Okay, cool.
And are you sure that you want to stay sober for this? Absolutely! [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[SIGHS.]
Well, that didn't last long.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, this is small and casual? Abby! Campbell! You made it.
- Hey, Carol Lynn.
- Hey.
Oh.
Edward didn't say you were staying over.
- Oh, no.
We're not.
- Yeah.
- We have a thing tonight.
- Yeah.
This is so nice! Well, I wanted to keep it simple, but Edward had big plans for this celebration.
Who knew he was such a party planner? - [LAUGHS.]
- Literally nobody.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm so glad you're both here.
Do you mind rescuing Mark? He doesn't fish.
Fish? But it's not just rainbow trout.
There's all kinds of trout: brown trout, lake trout, smallmouth trout.
[ABBY.]
Hold on! Are we just listing trout? Okay.
Um, above average mouth trout.
We got potty mouth trout.
We got a Bell's palsy mouth trout, we got a expressive mouth trout We are plotting our summer fishing excursion.
That sounds fun, Edward.
It will be.
Okay, but Dad, it's February.
And, um, since when do you fish? We are going to charter a boat.
Well, we're talking about it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Actually, your mom asked me to get you to help her with some wine or something.
Shouldn't she tell the bartender? Yeah, but she told me that you'd be the only one who knew exactly where it was.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
Okay.
It's okay.
[SIGHS.]
So how are you doing, kid? I'm good, Dad, thanks.
The place looks amazing.
Yeah, yeah.
Uh, Carol Lynn, uh, got all my stuff in.
[WHISPERS.]
Yeah, thanks.
Okay.
All right.
So, how's the promotion? You know, Dad, it's actually going all right.
I'm not sure exactly what I'm supposed to be doing, my forte, uh, but I think I'm nailing it.
Well, it's good that you're, you know, kind of finding your way, your path.
Well, I should get Jamal's gift.
- Love you, sweetie.
- Okay.
[CAMPBELL.]
These are pork crostinis with a balsamic reduction! I've taught so many students, but Jamal paints inside your brain.
It's an extraordinary power.
Come on, Professor.
[ABBY.]
I honestly cannot say I'm surprised.
Ooh, I buried the lede before.
Did you know that my friend Campbell here used to date the poet laureate of Indiana? You dated Matthew Graham? No.
No, I don't know Matthew.
- Adrian Matejka? - I adore Adrian.
We used to model together.
No.
Um, Lisa Sheehan.
She told you she was the poet laureate of Indiana? Yeah.
That's a very Lisa thing to do.
[SHOUTS.]
Damn! - Oh, shit.
- [ALL LAUGH.]
Okay.
You'd be doing yard work for a fraud! [LAUGHS.]
And live in Indiana.
Hard pass! [ALL LAUGH.]
- Cheers to Lisa.
- Oh, to the fraud.
I mean, I'm out of that cheer, all right? [ABBY.]
You know, I never liked, trusted, or respected that bitch.
I am a classy man and I deserve classy things.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Well, speaking of classy things, I was really unsure what to get a big-time poet.
You didn't have to get me anything.
I know I didn't, but then I was like, "Mm, don't be a bitch, get him a gift.
" And I was like, "Uh, what do I get him?" And then I remembered that huge confession that you told me at the wedding.
Remember? - Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes.
Your first true love - Markie Post! - Markie Post! - Oh, my always and forever.
- [ABBY.]
Yes.
This is Markie Post? Yes, that's Markie Post, and that's also mine.
I will take that back.
Thank you.
- Garçon.
- Better believe it.
- Yeah, right.
- I mean, seriously.
I've had it.
Hey, so what's up with Meg's friend? Hmm.
That's the million-dollar question.
No, it isn't.
They met on the soccer team in the fall, and then they just became friends.
Aly thinks she's her friend.
I think she's her girlfriend.
[ALY.]
Why do you have to label everything, Mike? I don't I don't understand.
I'm not labeling anything! Jesus.
You know what? I hope she turns out gay.
It would make everything so much easier.
How exactly? I don't know.
Um, she wouldn't need birth control.
Oh, no.
My God! Salient point, thank you.
- Umph.
- [SARCASTIC LAUGHS.]
Jesus, fuck it.
Write a pamphlet.
Don't.
I just don't like Meg hanging out with a junior.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
[BOTH.]
Neko has her driver's license.
- Oh.
- Aww.
Neko also boycotted her AP History exam.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, she ripped it up, stormed right out of the room.
Dag, that's cool.
Apparently earning college credit as a high school student is, uh, a repressive structure designed to reinforce classism and racism.
Wow.
- She's an ally.
- Okay, Mike, I'm not going to embarrass you in front of your whole family by asking you to define that term.
Okay? You're welcome, Mike.
Ally? It's an online bank.
- [ABBY LAUGHS.]
- See? [LAUGHS.]
I mean, yet again, Jags nailing it.
- It's what I do.
- Okay! Okay! Thank you so much for being here today.
Now, it is every mother's dream to have her child tell you he wants to be a poet.
[LAUGHS.]
But when that child is as talented as Jamal, you know he has to pursue his gift.
We are pleased that you all could be here to celebrate Jamal receiving his master's! [ALL.]
Woo! Which is not in poetry, but in creative writing and publishing.
With distinction! Whoa! [CHEERS AND WHOOPS.]
And I'm pleased to announce that my baby is published! [CHEERS AND WHOOPS.]
So, I encourage you all to pick up a copy of the latest edition of the Iowa Review, where you can read his award-winning poem, "Heartprints.
" - "Hoofprints.
" - "Hoofprints.
" I don't understand it, but it is very good.
To Jamal! [ALL.]
Jamal! [CHEERS AND WHOOPS.]
Hello, everyone.
Um, I'm Jamal's, um well, I'm Edward.
And I just wanted to echo my wife's sentiments about what an extraordinary accomplishment Jamal has accomplished.
A master's in poetry.
[BOTH.]
Creative writing and publishing.
Truly an amazing feat.
Just amazing.
[SIGHS.]
Anyway, Jamal, uh [EXHALES.]
as a token of how proud I am of you and all that you've done, I wanted to get you a little something.
It's, uh [ALARM CHIRPS.]
- You got me a Toyota RAV4? - Edward! I did.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- It's a hybrid.
I thought you'd need it driving to all of your readings.
Do you need more ice? Maybe I should switch to water.
- Help.
- I know.
Okay.
Hold on.
It's a great gift.
Thanks.
- [APPLAUSE.]
- Come on.
[LAUGHS.]
[WOMAN.]
Smile! [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
Now let me get one of just my girls.
It only took six years! [LAUGHTER.]
Who cares how long it took? The important thing is you did it.
Dad, you didn't have to get me anything.
[LAUGHS.]
Dad! - That's hilarious.
- There's a store that lets you print anything you want on a sweatshirt, so I came up with that myself.
Well, it's beautifully understated.
[LAUGHS.]
Thank you very much.
I'm very proud of you, sweetie.
[PHONE CHIMES.]
Ten minutes.
Hey.
I'm sorry, we have to go.
- I had a ball.
- That's okay.
- I'm so proud of you.
Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Oh.
- Excuse me.
Okay, we need to have an extended sidebar on what the fuck just happened.
- It's going to be - I know.
- A car? Are you kidding me? - I know.
I know.
We just got we can't do anything about it tonight.
- Okay, will you call me? - I will call you.
Call me, okay? I love you.
Ow.
I'm all right.
Oh, sorry.
- Oh, did she tell you? - What? Our next stop is a birthday party for a 90-year-old.
Oh, my God! You're dating again.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- I tried, she said no.
- What are you gonna do? - You gotta keep moving.
- What are you gonna do? - Bye, Jamal.
I mean, ah.
Excuse me.
- Can you not wait? - [JAMAL.]
One at a time works.
Can you wait? - Really? Can I not wait? - Oh, my God.
[CAMPBELL.]
I'm just saying, put your shields up because these boozehounds have been going strong since 10:00 am.
Okay, but we've been drinking since noon, so.
Yeah, but that's different.
[LAUGHS.]
How is that different? Bye, Darnell.
- Thank you.
- Bye, thank you.
Okay, he gets five stars, I think.
Okay.
What do you need from me right now? - This moment? - [LAUGHS.]
I guess that would be for you to brace yourself.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Because it's a full cast of some bizarro Hee Haw, minus my cousin Tricia, who's like, "I'll stay in Des Moines if Maureen's going.
" I cannot fucking believe that's still a thing.
That's outrageous.
All right.
Well, just name the top three people I need to save you from.
- Top three.
- Okay.
Okay.
Stay frosty, all right, because honestly, when they all get together like this, it can come from anywhere, - anytime, any direction.
- That is dramatic.
[LAUGHS.]
And I guarantee you, my mother is going to be dialed up to an 11 tonight.
Look, I got it.
Nora duty! Full force! Do not worry about it.
What are we looking for again? Like a trolley.
It says "Hotsy Totsy Gangster Tours" on it.
Okay.
I've lived here over 25 years.
I can honestly tell you I've never been tempted to do this.
Now, look.
We're going to have a ball.
And just remember, we got to keep our eyes on the prize.
Oh, if my mom starts you know, just like ask her who has cancer.
Yep, or about random Catholic saints.
How the Hawkeyes are doing.
No worries, I got this.
Hey, where are you two jagoffs going? Whatever is in those bags better get me drunk.
They're fucking clothes! Maureen, hi.
- I'll drink it.
I don't care.
- She will.
I gotta say, you haven't changed very much.
You still got a lot of class, mainly lower, and that's a burn! I see it! I see it! Here's the birthday girl.
- [EXCLAIMS.]
- Oh, Grandma.
Hi.
This is my friend, Abby.
- Oh.
- Happy birthday.
- Finally, right? - Y'all need cups? - Well, I'll save one for later.
- You can have this much fun before we even get on the bus.
Okay, you look famil.
Don't start with me.
To Grandma! [CHANTS.]
Grandma Lou! Grandma Lou! Ohh.
Pretty good, right? I feel like you are my aunt.
I was an ice skater as a child.
- Whoa! - [LAUGHS.]
Campbell, my baby! Oh! Hey.
It's gonna be fine.
You've got this.
I'm here.
I'll be right over there.
- Look at you! - Oh, hey, Mom.
Aww.
Hi.
Well, this is interesting.
- Oh.
- And you changed your hair.
Uh-huh.
Yep.
Oh, now, Campbell, before I forget, my book club was asking about your Facebook posts.
Okay.
All those pictures of a dead dog? - Oh.
- It's so morbid.
Oh, God.
I bet that is so hard on you.
Well, yes.
It is.
Oh, my God, Nora! - Hey, Abby! - How are you? - Hi, how are you? - Good to see you.
Hey, Campbell, it looked like you needed more ice.
Oh, I didn't know we brought ice.
Is this new? Oh, my gosh, is that St.
Jermaine? No, no, no.
This is St.
Theresa.
I got this at the Vatican.
When we were in Rome one time - Whoo! Yeah! - [HORN BEEPS.]
Hi, everybody, I'm Spencer.
- Go, Spencer! - Spencer For Hire! [BARKS.]
On behalf of Dave behind the wheel - and myself - [CHEERING.]
welcome to the Hotsy Totsy 23 Skidoo Gangster Tour.
Celebrating Chicago's long history with the mob both in films and in real life.
[ALL.]
Ooh! Hey.
That was a hell of a save back there.
Thank you.
She's off the charts tonight.
Oh, I got you, okay? - Okay.
- All right.
This month actually marks the 91st anniversary of the St.
Valentine's Day Massacre.
Every Valentine's Day is a massacre for me! Underneath Chicago's beautiful architecture are miles and miles of tunnels, which the gangsters used to transport booze.
Spencer, I'm sorry to interrupt.
But that building right over there? - Marina Tower? - Is that the building where Diane Lockhart lives? Oh! From the Emmy award-winning The Good Wife? - Yeah.
- Yes, it is! Yeah! [LAUGHS.]
I knew it.
I knew it.
Ohh.
Christine Baranski.
Oh, she's good in everything.
But I don't like that they make you pay for her new show.
Oh, I'm gonna slip you my password, Grandma Lou.
You call me Big Lou now that we're family.
Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, here's a question.
You two are so great.
Why aren't you together? What is it, Abby? She too repulsive for you? - You know what? - Okay.
- No.
- I'm just saying.
Nobody's getting any younger.
So, Maureen, you know two queer ladies and so automatically you think they should be hooking up and fucking, right? - I dunno.
- Okay.
That would be like if I came to you and like, "Hey, Maureen, why you aren't you fucking, I don't know, the bus driver?" Oh, I'm also co-owner of the company.
Oh, of course you are.
Jesus, Maureen! What? Oh, oh, I forgot.
You recycle.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God.
You gotta recycle that attitude.
- [CAMPBELL.]
Holy shit.
- [MAUREEN.]
Okay.
Reduce, reuse, recycle, motherfucker! [CAMPBELL.]
Just like you do to your men.
- [ALL.]
Oh! - Okay.
[NORA.]
You have a lovely speaking voice.
Very clear.
Oh, thank you.
[CHUCKLES.]
I actually feel pretty off my game tonight.
- I ran into my ex before work - Ohh.
It's the first time I've seen him since he dumped me.
- [ABBY.]
What? - Oh.
Spencer, who would dump you? Uh, this guy Elliot.
He's a tour guide for The Untouchables Bus Tour.
It's actually our biggest competitor, so.
Oh, man.
So there's an entire tour that's just about The Untouchables? Why didn't we do that one? [SPENCER.]
Yeah.
Anyway, I thought I was over him, - but I - Breakups are hard, dear.
Especially when you're in the same industry? [CAMPBELL.]
Oh.
"Breakups are hard, dear!" You know what? If that had been me, it would've been like, "You need to take a good look at yourself.
N.
O.
W.
" - Spelling-ass bullshit threats.
- I know.
You're doing great, actually.
I wanna tell you, you're really doing good.
Just breathe deeply, okay? All you have to do is get through the next two hours.
[SIGHS.]
And then it's Two Queens On Two Queens.
Yes, queen.
Okay? - Yes.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
- We're gonna do it.
You're doing good.
She lasted longer than I thought.
- [CAMPBELL.]
Get your camera.
- [ABBY.]
Oh, God, yeah.
[BELL DINGS.]
[SPENCER.]
Ooh, okay.
Over there is the hotel where Alicia and Will hooked up at the end of season one.
No, dear, they didn't get together until the end of season two.
Right.
Right.
Well, it's also the hotel where Elliot and I stayed for his sister's wedding.
And he told me we were gonna split the bill, and then he never Venmoed me.
What an asshole.
[GRANDMA LOU.]
When people show you who they are, believe them.
[HORN BEEPS.]
Look, Campbell, I got a guy who owes me big time.
I can get you a min pin, half off, no questions asked.
Jot down this number.
You got a pen and paper? Min pins.
They're inbred worse than the Habsburgs.
[CHUCKLES.]
But it would be nice if you moved on, Campbell.
I think all that wallowing is bringing out your wrinkles.
Celts don't have collagen.
Relax, everybody! Campbell doesn't need to do anything! She's entitled to feel how she feels.
If she wants to be sad about her dog, let her be sad.
I didn't say anything.
It was the ladies in my book club Ba-ba-ba! That's enough.
Now, who wants to get me some more Pinocchio grigio? Uh Thanks, Big Lou.
No, thank you, dear.
I really needed one of these.
Ol' Bessie's gonna go right up on my breakfront.
All of my friends will be so jealous.
- [LAUGHS.]
- That's a perfect place.
Okay.
And over there is the notorious bar where Alicia and Kalinda had a drink at the end of season Oh, my God.
That's Elliot's bus! Oh, that's Elliot's bus?! Open the window.
- Boo! - [TOY GUN RATTLING.]
Elliot! Shame! Pay Spencer his money! Your tour guide is a thief and a liar! I'm gonna destroy you on Yelp! You hear me, Elliot? I'm Yelp Elite, bitch! You're going down! Get their asses, all right? It's a beautiful day to die.
Celts at war.
Ya feckers! [CHEERS.]
Horatio! Really? - [CHEERS.]
- Twenty-three skidoo, motherfuckers! - [CHEERS.]
- Come on, ladies! And bam! Chicago, Chicago That toddlin' town Chicago, Chicago I'll show you around, I love it Bet your bottom dollar you'll lose the blues In Chicago, Chicago The town that Billy Sunday could not shut down On State street, the great street [BEEPING HORN.]
[ALL YELLING.]
[IMITATES MACHINE GUN FIRE.]
[LAUGHS.]
Yay.
That was amazing.
Holy cow.
Yeah, you fucking nailed it, dude.
Come here.
- You could use more sunscreen.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- I love you.
- Yeah.
Don't change the subject.
I love you, too.
Okay.
Bye, Mom.
Oh, Grandma! - [CHUCKLES.]
- You've always been my favorite.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, it's not like the competition is stiff.
Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
Happy birthday.
Thank you, sweetheart.
- Okay.
- Come on.
- I need you on every tour.
- I will come.
I have a lot of free time.
- You'll come on every tour? - Fuck yeah, dog.
[BOTH.]
Hey, bitch.
I cannot throw this out fast enough.
Oh, wait.
I'll take yours.
Okay.
Added to the landfill! Oh, yeah.
Whoo! - Ow! Fuck! - [LAUGHS.]
Yes.
["REBEL GIRL" BY BIKINI KILL PLAYING.]
That girl thinks she's the queen of the neighborhood She got the hottest trike in town That girl, she holds her head up so high I think I wanna be her best friend, yeah Rebel girl, rebel girl Rebel girl, you are the queen of my world Rebel girl, rebel girl I know I wanna take you home, I wanna try on your clothes This is how it's supposed to be.
Damn! We got wildlife, bitch! [LAUGHS.]
She is my best friend, yeah Rebel girl, rebel girl Rebel girl, you are the queen of my world Rebel girl, rebel girl I know I wanna take you home, I wanna try on your clothes Love you like a sister always Soul sister, rebel girl Come and be my best friend Really, rebel girl I really like you I really wanna be your best friend Be my rebel girl I'm telling you that I love you! And all you love is my dick! Do you know how that makes me feel? Do ya? I'm sorry.
Come on, let's go! I'm finished, Joe.
I can't do this anymore.
Let's go.
Uh, do you need more ice? [LAUGHS.]
No, that's good.
We're all right.
For once.
[LAUGHS.]
[BOTH SLURP.]
When I see your face Puts everything in place Everything in place And when I see you smile Well, it makes me smile It makes me smile I know But still I wonder I know Yes, I know Now I'm really talking Now I'm really walking Now I'm really living And then I see your face Puts everything in place Everything in place You make The world sit still The world sit still, the world sit still